WASHINGTON – In a watershed moment that is already sending shockwaves through the general insurance industry, health insurance companies announced today that they will abandon their longstanding practice of charging higher premiums to insure the sick. The announcement comes as the industry remains besieged by militant socialist members of the House and Senate and under continued pressure by the Obama administration, which views compulsory free health care as an economic stimulus.

While the development is certainly big news for the health insurance industry and its customers, the surprise announcement is quickly being copied throughout the risk-management industry.

“We’re not about to let the health insurance companies get ahead of us on this issue,” said Licked Duke, a spokesman for State Farm Insurance. “Not only are we dropping risk premiums for our customers who insist on building and rebuilding in established hurricane zones of the Gulf, we’re offering a hurricane discount. The higher your risk of hurricane damage, the lower your premium will be.

“Insure burning houses? Heck, we now offer a discount on burning houses,” he added.

In the auto insurance sector, reactions were similar. “Effective immediately, GEICO will be offering a special ‘drunk drivers’ policy. So long as you promise to have at least four drinks within one hour prior to driving, we will lower your premium,” said Ratty Rhinos, a spokeswoman with the company.

Redefining rewarding risk

“This is a fantastic development, and right in line with the financial philosophies that our fine country has adopted of late,” said Federal Reserve Bank chairperson Ben Bernanke. “This is a very clever adoption of the AIG policy, for example, of offering AAA insurance rates on bundles of worthless, subprime filth.”

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) was also quick to follow the trend. “Effective immediately, the FDIC will suspend insurance premiums collected from banks whose ability to remain a going concern is in question,” said FDIC Chairlady Sheila Blair, who also starred in the popular 1970s horror film “The Exorcist.”

Industry analysts say turning the insurance industry’s risk model on its head by offering its best rates to its most reckless customers would be a recipe for financial ruin.

Not so fast, say the very same insurance companies who are enacting the new policy, boasting that a creative way to solve that problem has been found – also, it says, in a manner consistent with the hottest political trends.

“We’re going to go ahead and get into the spirit of ‘spreading the wealth around,’ said Kilohertz Crabber, a spokesperson with America’s Health Insurance Plans (AHIP), an industry trade group. “It’s simple really, and a zero-sum equation. There’s no net loss of revenue involved here. We’re just adopting the theme of the socialists who now run the country.”

Crabber explained that as premiums for high-risk customers are lowered, those paid by low-risk customers will be proportionally raised. “Let’s say you’ve got a guy whose been driving for thirty years, no tickets, no accidents, doesn’t even pick his nose while he’s driving. Well, he’s probably been getting a break on his premiums, and it’s time for him to start pulling his weight.”

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs praised the industry’s efforts, which he called “self regulating.”

“The really neat thing about this is that it’s progressive and that they did it before we had to compel them to do it. That’s what we call proactive change. Instead of waiting for the government to change them, they changed themselves.”

Crabber, the industry spokesman, said eventually the policy would even be expanded to holders of life insurance. “A chain-smoking alcoholic who is 120 shouldn’t have to pay more just because he’s going to die any minute, at least not during the current political zeitgeist. But we’ll naturally have to offset the actuarial ramifications of that by charging an 18-year-old in perfect health say, $1,000 per month in premiums. It all works out in the end.”