WASHINGTON – The House Financial Services Committee today summoned to Washington the CEOs of eight U.S. banks that have received funds under the federal bailout. The eight were to appear for the customary sanctimonious tongue lashing that members of Congress enjoy giving to subjects who have fallen out of favor with their over-indulged constituents.
However, at the start of the hearing, which took place in front of the House Financial Services Committee, it quickly became apparent that Rep. Barney Frank, the Democratic chairman of the Committee, intended to extend the scope of the hearing well beyond its traditional purview of testy, self-indulgent questions and rambling, unilateral discourses on piety.
Frank ordered House of Representatives Sergeant at Arms Bill Livingood to seize Wells Fargo President and CEO John Strumpf as soon as he and his colleagues were seated within the chamber. Strumpf was then quickly basted and tied to a makeshift spit – an aluminum flagpole – and roasted
“But we’re frugal!” screamed the rapidly cooking banker. “We’re Americans first, bankers second!”
“Let this be a lesson to you other seven,” said Frank, before digging into the semi-cooked flesh of the fallen banker. “Usually, I just spit on my subjects. Today, I’m eating one.”
Rep. Frank chows down on the honey-basted remains of former Wells Fargo CEO John Strumpf
As Frank continued his meal, which also featured vast quantities of pork, he went on to caution the surviving representatives of the banking industry that everyday Americans must be convinced that “you understand their anger … and that you’re willing to make some sacrifices to get this working.”
“The days of granting $500,000 loans to people on public assistance, then turning around and blaming them for the resulting mess … those days are over,” Frank added. “And the days of kneejerk reactions – like foreclosing on someone just because they have zero percent equity in a house, are behind on multiple mortgages and have no job – those days are over, too.”
Frank then yielded the floor to the panel’s top Republican, Spencer Bachus of Alabama, who reluctantly partook of some roasted Strumpf. “I’m only going to eat the white meat, though,” he was overheard telling Frank off-mike shortly before taking the floor.
Retching slightly, Bachus told the surviving bankers that they had a responsibility of “winning back their trust and their confidence,” adding that the sacrifice they had made through the cannibalization of their colleague was a “good first step.”
Reaction in the Capitol ranged from shocked horror to charges that the Committee had not gone far enough.
“They should have roasted and eaten all of ‘em,” shrieked Rep. Dennis Kucinich, who is not a member of the Committee but nonetheless donned a large bib and appeared outside the hearing room with cutlery and a bottle of Chianti after learning of the proceedings.
“There shouldn’t even be banks, or, if there must be, they shouldn’t charge interest,” he continued. “For far too long, this government has ignored the people’s right to free credit. Well, today, the people are getting a free meal, and it was long overdue.”
After the bloody meal, Frank dismissed Strumpf’s colleagues with a final word of caution. “We’ll run out of bankers before we ever run out of pork. Think about it. Think about it long and hard.”
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Originally posted 2009-02-12 09:27:53. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
