WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security (DHS), which hinted last week that it was thinking of doing away with its much-derided color-coded threat scale, confirmed today that it was moving ahead with that plan and announced its replacement.

Effective May 1, a new graded system will be rolled out that will depict chili peppers of varying intensity that will correspond with the threat facing the United States.

Homeland Security Chief and former governor of Arizona Janet Napolitano said the new system builds on the efforts of one of DHS’ underlings, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

DHS' new terror-threat scale

The TSA, which has been relentlessly dumbing down the airport security process for years, recently began asking passengers to self-segregate themselves into three groups according to their ability to comprehend and comply with simple instructions such as “remove shoes” or “remove all metal from pockets.” The groups, which include “expert,” “casual,” and “hopelessly stupid,” each enjoy dedicated, color-coded security lanes.

“This is a natural extension of the TSA’s award-winning self-select program,” said Napolitano. “Americans expect easy-to-understand, illustrated instructions, from mortage applications to terror warnings. This program will provide all of that with family-friendly zest and panache.”

According to Napolitano, the old color-coded system, which featured five levels, will be replaced with even more levels – 20 in all. “Simplifying things doesn’t mean you can’t add layers of bureaucracy,” she explained.

The scale will range from “Sweet Bells” – which signifies a near-nil chance of a terror strike on the U.S. – to the “Bhut Jolokia” pepper, which “basically indicates missiles are flying, foreign frogmen are clambering ashore, or Al Roker has unstapled his stomach and begun to eat Manhattan – something cataclysmic like that,” said Napolitano.

In between, in ascending threat order, are the following varieties: Red Chile, Yellow Genetics, Chile Verde, Anaheim, Poblano, Pasilla, Chilaca, Guajillo, Jalapeño, Yellow Hot, Serrano, Manzano, Arbol, Cayenne, Chiltepin, Habanero, and Red Savina.

“We’re especially pleased through this new system to offer a nod to our friendly neighbors to the south, native land of the entire genus of pepper plants,” added Napolitano. “Who said they aren’t a partner to our border security efforts?”

The general public will be able to check the current threat level DHS’ Web site, airports and other public areas prone to mass hysteria.

Originally posted 2009-03-31 21:38:51. Republished by Blog Post Promoter