BOSTON  – The Ancient Order of Hibernians today announced the renaming of the annual feast of St. Patrick.  The event, held every March 17th, will no longer be known as St. Patrick’s Day.  Rather, in light of the annual co-opting of all things Irish, the holiday will henceforth be known as St. Poseurs Day.

The Hibernians are an ancient Irish-Catholic fraternal order whose members must show Irish-Catholic ancestry.  Gerry Doherty, the head of The Order and Grand Master of today’s parade, made the announcement from atop the reviewing stand.

“Today used to be a day for the Irish to celebrate.  It was a Holy Day spent feasting in tribute of Saint Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland,” Doherty began, “but now it’s an excuse for all you bastards who aren’t even Irish to pretend you are, by wearing green and getting drunk.  There’s more people who aren’t Irish here today then are.  And ya don’t have a clue why you’re here.  There’ll be a real St. Patrick’s feast for true Irishmen, but we’re claiming it back!  From this moment forward, today will belong to all you corporate toads, wannabee’s, and hangers on.  Today shall now be known as Saint Poseurs Day!  …And no true bloody Irishman would ever drink a green beer, you bastards!”

What's more Irish then a lowrider?

According to Doherty, manufacturers produce over 10 million gallons of green dye just for beer, with another 100 million gallons used to create green clothing, which non-Irish sheep annually hoard, then discard without caring a lick about the actual holiday they’re defiling.

Much like other traditionally Christian holidays such as Christmas, Valentine’s Day and Easter, it’s the corporate co-opting of the holiday that bothers the Hibernians every bit as much as  the ignorance of the celebrants.

The King doesn't care if you're Irish or not.

Out in the crowd, Bryan Downey, a half-Irish college student who has never been to Ireland and thinks Sinn Féin is a person, seemed most offended.   “Look at all these idiots,” he said adopting an obviously faked Irish brogue, “Most of ‘em don’t have a drop o’ Irish in ‘em.  They couldn’t tell the difference between the Ulster Unionists and the IRA if they sat down and drank a pint o’ Guinness with ‘em.” He omitted the fact that he, himself, couldn’t really tell either.

Despite their green garb, most parade-goers actually appeared even less Irish then Downey.  However, while they lacked any Gaelic or Celtic heritage, they still dyed their hair, drank alcohol, ate lots of food, celebrated all things green, and worst of all, they genuinely appeared to enjoy themselves regardless of their origins.  Many seemed unaware that the name of the party had changed.

When asked about the name change, Juana van Park, a visibly intoxicated parade-goer proudly wearing a t-shirt reading “Kiss me, I’m Irish.  Or drunk.  Or whatever,” told reporters, “I’m not Irish or even Jewish – they’re Jewish in Ireland, right? – But that’s OK.  I really love U2.  They’re so cute.  I just love them.  Sunday, Bloody Sunday!  Sunday, Bloody Sunday!”

They know nothing - and they like bad music.

The fact that U2 are an overrated bunch of Clash-wannabe’s (and The Clash are bloody English!), and that Thin Lizzy is a far superior band went over her empty head.  When informed that she was singing a protest song, she answered, “It is?  Oh, well,” and then staggered away mumbling something about drinking another car bomb and then buying a fez hat.