ALEXANDER CITY, Ala. – Recently fired wide receiver Terrell Owens announced his retirement from the National Football League at a press conference today.  Owens, 35, probably has the ability to continue his football career, but as of yet, no NFL team has expressed interest in signing him – primarily because he is a douchbag.

Within 24 hours of his release, 16 teams had gone on record stating they had no plans to hire Owens.  Instead, he now plans to open an academy where he will teach young players how to act.  The school, tentatively called The Ego Academy for the Attention Deprived (EgAAD), expects to open full time next winter, but a limited curriculum will be available this summer.

“Get your popcorn ready,” said Owens. “If you loved me – and I know I loves me some me – then you’ll love this.  I’m giving something back.  This will allow an entire generation of future players to put themselves in front of their teams.”

Classes will include:

·         Destroying team chemistry from the inside

·         Teammate alienation (with a special focus on quarterbacks)

·         Delusions of grandeur

·         Stars, jackets, cell phones and sit-ups – taunting with props

·         Finding your inner selfishness

·         Cultivating your overall diva persona

·         How to get fired 3 times in 6 years

Owens will be just one of many famous faculty at EgAAD.  He has already appointed Dennis Rodman as Dean of Students and will teach a class called Substituting Spectacle for Talent – How to Age Disgracefully.  Joe Horn has contracted to teach several classes.  Tentatively, Sean Avery, Drew Rosenhaus and Chad Johnson are expected to receive professor emeritus status in exchange for guest lecture appearances.  Lastly, Owens indicated that none other than the Queen of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin, has been hired as a wardrobe consultant specializing in gaudy hats.

Another former Wide Receiver, Hall Of Famer Michael Irvin, seemed eager to help.  “I could teach a lot of things,” said Irvin, “Stabbing your teammates with scissors…  where to buy blow within a block of a courtroom…  the list goes on.”

“I’m tremendously excited about this next phase of Terrells life,” said agent Drew Rosenhaus.  “This is the biggest thing to ever happen to football, and I’m proud to be a part of it.  We’ve tried to line up the very best faculty possible.  Not everyone makes the cut.  Just as one example, we reached out to Paris Hilton to teach a class on inner selfishness, but ultimately didn’t make an offer, as she’s not capable of actually communicating.  Not even by accident.  I did get to score with her, though – not that it took much effort.”

Rosenhaus also indicated that Owens considered reaching out to Madonna to teach the diva class, but ultimately decided to hire someone relevant to current pop culture.  Allegedly, an offer has instead been made to comedian Carrot Top.  When asked to confirm this, Rosenhaus answered, “next question.”

When asked for comment, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “The NFL very fortunate that Mr. Owens has never succeeded at anything in life.  If he were to pull this off, our TV ratings would be as bad as regular season college basketball.”