http://wineandexcrement.com Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:51:31 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en NNEW YORK- On the eve of the opening ceremonies, Dick Ebersol, Chairman of NBC Universal Sports, was stunned today during a press conference when a German reporter asked him if the network would be covering the Men’s Giant Slalom in the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. “The what?”, Ebersol asked, ... http://wineandexcrement.com/nbc-executives-unaware-of-non-skating-olympic-events/1979/ WASHINGTON – Reeling from back-to-back blizzards that dumped more than three feet of snow on the Washington, D.C. area, the Federal Government and U.S. Capitol remained shuttered for a record fourth consecutive day today.  Nevertheless, life continued as normal throughout the 50 states, unnerving democrats everywhere. Speaker of the House Nancy ... http://wineandexcrement.com/country-functions-normally-during-four-day-shutdown-of-federal-government-and-capitol-dems-in-panic/1965/ PORT-AU-PRINCE – Hoping to follow New Orleans’ lead and magically undo the massive effects of natural disasters and government incompetence merely by winning a football game, city and federal officials in Port-au-Prince confirmed in a news conference today that they are in active talks to secure an NFL football franchise ... http://wineandexcrement.com/port-au-prince-to-receive-nfl-franchise/1958/ NEW ORLEANS  – The people of Louisiana dream of more than just a possible win in the Super Bowl™ this Sunday.  In addition to delivering the satisfaction of victory, they expect the win to somehow “save” the city of New Orleans, and with it, the entire Bayou Region. The Saints originated ... http://wineandexcrement.com/super-bowl-win-expected-to-magically-cure-new-orleans/1948/ NEW YORK – Orphan futures, under relentless pressure since the earthquake that devastated Haiti on Jan.23, enjoyed a dramatic turnaround today during heavy trading on the New York Mercantile Exchange. [caption id="attachment_1940" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="Haitian orphans have been victimized by proselytizing adoptive agencies. "][/caption] The surge, which saw spot unit prices for ... http://wineandexcrement.com/orphan-futures-surge-on-madonna-jolie-sightings-in-haiti/1939/ YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. - An earthquake struck Yellowstone National Park today, rendering uncounted numbers of animals homeless.  Seven people told investigators that they felt the quake, which measured 3.3 on the Richter Scale.  Preliminary reports estimate that it caused a staggering $11 in damages. W&E promptly dispatched its intern to ... http://wineandexcrement.com/earthquake-strikes-yellowstone-frightens-woodland-critters/1927/ LAS VEGAS - [caption id="attachment_1925" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="In Tiger Woods' latest video game, these won't be the only trophies you can land."][/caption] Pornographic Arts (PA), which recently acquired the rights to the popular line of Tiger Woods computer and console games, announced new details about its plans for its relaunch of the ... http://wineandexcrement.com/new-tiger-woods-computer-game-to-feature-unlockable-trophy-women/1924/ A temporary shortage of Mountain Dew™ spiraled out of control, culminating today in a riot at the Intellivation Corporation in which fourteen people were maimed.  The week-long saga exploded into a violent outburst this morning, sparked by an otherwise innocuous comment. The ordeal began innocently enough when a a seemingly innocuous ... http://wineandexcrement.com/weeklong-mountain-dew%e2%84%a2-shortage-culminates-in-office-riot-fourteen-maimed/1900/ OCOEE, Fla. – Animal control officers responded to reports of a wounded but dangerous cougar on the loose at the sprawling compound of Tiger Woods in a predawn incident today that marked the latest bizarre episode to befall the star-crossed golfing lothario. The officers were dispatched over fears that the ... http://wineandexcrement.com/wounded-cougar-removed-from-tiger%e2%80%99s-mansion/1895/ Black Friday, the largest shopping day of the year, draws annual squeals of excitement from women nationwide.  However, a recent study commissioned by the Center for Retail Advertisement and Propagation shows that men also look forward to the day, but for very different reasons. The study confirmed the well known belief ... http://wineandexcrement.com/everyone-loves-black-friday/1880/