Hawke, who became a survival expert when serving in an unnamed branch of the Special Forces rumored to be the Park Rangers, now pairs up with Ruth, a former TV journalist, to star on the show, which premiered on July 16.

In each episode, the couple is dropped off at an absurdly remote location with only knives and their clothing. The two must then “fend for themselves” for four days and nights, simulating a plausible real-life event that might leave someone unexpectedly stranded in places like the Amazon, Botswana, Tasmania or Pittsburgh.

Typical stunts pulled by the Hawkes during their four-day trials include urine and blood drinking (of themselves and hapless critters they encounter, respectively), rubbing sticks to start fires, boiling and drinking swamp water, feasting on carrion and the ritualistic killing and butchering of animals (Hawke speaks to his prey as he slaughters them) – all within easy camera shot of a sophisticated production crew that presumably is dining on MRE’s and Snickers bars.

Although the show claims the couple strive to form a team that is able to “stand up to nature as husband and wife in the wildest places on Earth where someone could get choppered in, pretend to be abandoned and manage a crisis entirely of their own creation,” tensions frequently rise between the pair during their travails.

Myke Hawke explains to his spouse and future protein source what a leaf is.

Mykel relentlessly patronizes his tenderfoot sidekick, frequently losing his temper as he lectures her in childishly simple words and inflections on survival truisms such as rattlesnakes will continue to twitch long after their heads are severed and salmonella can be encountered when devouring raw flesh.

“This show imparts vitally relevant information to the modern viewer,” says Burnt Calking, president and general manager of Discovery Channel. “In today’s world, one never knows when the grid might fail. Whether the end comes from solar flares, an EMP, or a Godzilla attack, you always want to be prepared in case you fall out of a helicopter somewhere over Tasmania.”

“In addition to the educational value, there’s clearly universal entertainment appeal in watching a special forces veteran drink bodily fluids and slaughter animals with a survival knife while being accompanied by a chick with an Australian accent,” he added.

With the introduction of cannibalism, the show is ready to “corner the market in reality survival programming,” he said.

“Being armed merely with a knife, our hero is only able to subdue those creatures dumb and defenseless enough to yield to his limited advances,” noted Calking. “We got to thinking – Ruth sure is dumb, and she’s quite defenseless, even armed with a knife of her own.

“She’d yield lots of high-quality calories and proteins to a hungry survivor. What could be more realistic in a survival situation than resorting to cannibalism?”

Calking said the attack on Ruth will be the climax of one of the typical arguments that arise during the show. “Maybe she’ll refuse to drink his urine again, or maybe it will be something entirely new.”

Whatever sparks the argument, Calking insisted it would be “mostly unscripted.”

“We know it will happen on the season finale, which hasn’t been filmed yet. Myke has been reading up on how to field dress a human, which we don’t believe has ever been done on television.”

The network said Ruth Hawke has not yet been notified of the planned plot development but that negotiations are underway with her agent regarding a bonus payment to be paid posthumously to Mykel Hawke to compensate for her being written off of the show.

Peter Cordingley, a spokesman for the World Health Organization, said, “we cannot begin to describe the level of excitement here at the WHO over the swine flu. The excitement has reached level 3, and could be all the way to level 6 soon!” Cordingley did not elaborate as to what those levels mean in real world terms.

Behind this delightfully tacky exterior lies the very heart of the evil swine flu.

So what exactly is swine flu? And how did it come to America? Per Cordingley, the disease is an offshoot of the avian bird flu. When our American heroes triumphed over the evil bird flu in 2006, they apparently failed to eradicate it completely. The Americans won a triumphant battle, but chose not to invade the bird flu’s lair and topple its leadership. The weakened bird flu instead sought solace at a remote Hooters restaurant in Buffalo, NY, where it regrouped, strengthening every moment. The bird flu mysteriously transmuted itself from chicken wings into various pork products. It ultimately emerged as swine flu – a new, more dangerous hybrid-offshoot. Cordingley also described it as “pissed off and determined to extract its vengeance.”

“I also need to clarify,” Cordingley concluded, “that while swine flu is carried by pigs, we have no evidence to suggest that Kim Kardashian is yet a carrier. However, we do wish she would put a mask over her face anyway, in the name of all that’s holy.”

Here in the United States, Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano described the action. “Millions sick! Hospitals overwhelmed! Churches closed! The Surgical Mask will be this year’s ‘it’ fashion statement! If we could only somehow include a gleeful montage of exploding national landmarks, we’ll have every cliché covered.”

Cheech Wojciechowicz, a janitor at Dulles International Airport, was not looking forward to the release. “Somehow,” he said, “this must all be George Bush’s fault.”

Cheech Wojciechowicz, a janitor at Dulles International Airport, shows off this year's new look.

Already, the swine flu has generated controversy. Congressional leaders are whipping their parties into action over an emergency spending bill. Democrats wish to authorize TARP funding for swine flu, but Republican expect to fiercely resist, calling the bill “just more pork.”

Elsewhere, in advance of its inevitable encroachment upon the Asian markets, Muslim leaders in Indonesia have successfully lobbied for a ban of all pork products, including policemen, Miss Piggy, and Kevin Bacon.

Movie Critic Martin Hunter derided the swine flu, saying “it’s rather derivative … not nearly as good as SARS.”

Originally posted 2009-04-28 15:18:02. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Exclusive! Obama fliming a screen test of potential Travel Channel show

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, announced at a press briefing this morning that President Obama is mulling resigning the presidency in favor of hosting his own show on The Travel Channel.

“The presidency has offered the President unparalleled opportunity to explore his true passion: travel – or more specifically, vacationing,” said Gibbs. “The Travel Channel contacted him just after, what was it, vacation number four? and pitched a new show with the President as host. Obviously, the President will weigh this offer very carefully.”

Since entering office, President Obama has taken six vacations in less than 20 months, including his latest last week at Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts.  He has also logged 47 [update] 48 rounds of golf.

Later in the morning, press pool reporters following the President during his jaunt to the famous New England island asked if he was seriously considering resigning.

“Let me be clear,” said the President. “My backswing is still not where it should be, and I haven’t been to Yellowstone yet. So I have not made up my mind. Plus, I’m not sure even a travel show could match the vacation opportunities I enjoy as president.”

Details of the proposed show have slowly leaked out to the press. As host of the show (the working title of which is currently “Left-Wing Leisure Log with Barack”), the President will demonstrate the secrets of vacationing on someone else’s dime, such as avoiding hotel mini-bar fees by blaming missing booze on the previous room occupant.

“I think over the past couple of years I’ve really honed my craft,” Obama told reporters while setting up his tee for the 8th hole at the Vineyard Golf Club at Martha’s Vineyard. “Every month I get a little better. I pick better hotels, I find better restaurants,” said the President as he lined up his shot. “I’ve developed an eye for spotting the best aspects of a particular travel destination,” he said, as he awkwardly swung into a vicious slice to the left.

“Sure, there are those who will say I don’t have the experience, or that I’m too new to the industry. But they are merely obstructionists attempting to thwart my travel itinerary. I fully believe that I’ve packed more exciting and fulfilling trips into my short time in office than the average American will experience in his lifetime. And I haven’t even appointed my new Vacation Czar yet!”

Gibbs agreed. “There has never been a savvier president then this one when it comes to vacation planning. As a matter of fact, he arranged a splendid retreat for my family in the Catskills that was absolutely superb. Very relaxing. The man really knows his way around Expedia.”

When asked if President Obama should be more focused on the duties of being president – even if he intends to resign, or only serve a single term – Gibbs merely chuckled, then sat down cross-legged behind the podium and played his Game Boy.

Mr. and Mrs. Obama find themselves trapped at a gate in Martha's Vineyard. Secret Service members freed the First Couple 90 minutes later

Other world leaders agree that Obama’s travel acumen is high enough to qualify him as a travel host.

“He revealed my own country to me in a manner that was both informative and entertaining,” said former British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. “He took me to a lovely Armenian restaurant in Chelsea which I’d never noticed before. The food was delicious, reasonably priced, and Mr. Obama’s post-dinner review was, of course, articulate and enticing. Plus, he managed to get the diners at the next table to pay for it.”

A spokesman from The Travel Channel confirmed that the network has indeed offered the President the gig, and is awaiting his decision. He also said, however, that the original concept would have partnered Barack with another host. “Early on, we thought about pairing him with a co-host. However, Sarah Palin balked at the pay cut. Plus, I think Obama was a little put off that she had more travel experience than he did.”

The President says that regardless of whether or not he accepts the offer, he expects the future holds many more vacations for the First Family. “You don’t have to wait until you’re 65 to live like you’re retired, know what I mean?”

Asked what was up next on his travel radar, Obama said, “I know I should probably be heading to South Korea to discuss the deteriorating diplomatic conditions of the Korean peninsula, or to Russia to discuss the Iranian nuclear build-up, but I’m just not interested in those destinations. Instead, I’m heading to Provence to tour of some really exquisite wineries, and perhaps scout some upscale bed and breakfasts. Who knows,” the President said with a wink, “maybe the trip will make it on TV.”

Even more surprising was Rodman’s harsh criticism for the parents who had reared the lusty tarts.
The columnist, who relies on the nom de plume “C.J.,” bashfully wrote, “I can’t even clean up the questions he wanted me to ask their parents.”

Reached for comment today, Rodman clarified his position. “I mean, it was too easy,” he explained, noting that “at least” 1,500 of the women were willing, or at least conscious, during his sexual ministrations.

The other 500? “They were gold diggers,” he said. “Hard to believe, but they weren’t interested in my STD-riddled physique or even my sexy tattoos, just  in my paper.”

Still, Rodman allowed, “1,500 willing ho’s is a lot. I mean, it ain’t Wilt, but it’s a lot.”

Rodman was referring to Wilt “The Stilt”Chamberlain, another basketball legend and owner of every major NBA single-season and career copulation record. He retired (i.e. died) having rutted with 20,000 women.

Rodman urged parents everywhere to consider the ramifications of the fact that several thousand apparently sane women were willing to “do me on a whim.”

Rodman displays this teachable moment's textook.

“Look at me. If I was behind them at the mall, they’d call security,” he said. “But backstage at an NBA arena or team hotel, I couldn’t beat them off.

“They for sure could beat me off, though,” he quickly added.

“But the point is, where do all these ho’s come from? That’s why I did this, that’s why I got with all those girls, to teach them what their parents should have: they’re acting like buyers when they should be the sellers.”

“The lesson hurt me more than it hurt them,” he added.

Camilla Pug Fantasicle, Chairperson of non-applied Women’s Liberation Studies at the University of King of Prussia in Pennsylvania, condemned Rodman’s analysis.

“This is like a miner who has enriched himself all his life with coal turning around and cursing the fertile hills that yielded it,” she said angrily, gesturing at the Pennsylvania hills visible through the eye-level window of the men’s room where she makes her academic office.

“It is absolutely healthy and normal for a young woman to pursue sexual partners among star athletes. It’s time we desensitize and de-stigmatize forever terms like slut, ho, whore, indiscretion, humiliation, accountability, self esteem and STDs.

“Without the absent fathers, without the domestic violence, without the broken homes and multiple divorces, without the heavy drinking, our society would struggle to fill key positions in the adult entertainment and groupy industries, traditionally among the highest-paying sectors for female workers.

“I worry that parents out there will take Rodman’s lessons to heart and deny their little girls these future opportunities at self advancement.”

With a speed and ease that Hollywood insiders are calling “astonishing” and “record-setting,” Lindsay Lohan has been dutifully checking off items on her own celebrity bad-girl to-do list, or “bucket list.”

A bucket list is a list of goals a person hopes to accomplish before he dies, or “kicks the bucket.” The phrase was popularized by a trite and predictable movie starring Fred Sandford Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholas.

Lindsay Lohan, seen after crossing off number 23 of her bucket list: "Fall into drug-induced coma from injecting Tidy Bowl cleaner."

According to Lohan’s latest love interest, Ginnie “Big Hands” Mahoney, a prison guard Lohan met during her brief stint at the Los Angeles County Jail, the overexposed under-talented media phenom created her list of depravity-based “before I die” goals soon after filming the 2003 surprise hit remake of Freaky Friday.

“She was at one of them cast parties  just after they finished making the picture. Her mom and dad were there hoggin’ all the attention, and she vowed that she would never let that happen again,” said Mahoney, her gel-spiked hairdo glistening in the fluorescent lighting of the prison cafeteria. “And that’s when her Bucket List was born. Still, I think she’ll tell ya her parents have put up quite a competition. I doubt she’d call herself the winner yet.”

“She really has gone full throttle,” said TMZ contributor Ralph Harrison. “She takes it all very seriously. When it comes to celebrity neurosis and fame-induced stupidity, this trollop is the consummate professional. Plus, she has an ‘ew’ factor that I think no other celebrity can touch.”

When asked if he could recall a swifter transition from fame to infamy, Harrison said “Courtney Love I guess comes to mind. But she was a skank to start with so the trip was short. I think the key for LiLo is that she got started early, set goals for herself, and she wouldn’t let anything distract her – not friends, not counseling, not common sense.

“You see, Courtney and Brit seem to haphazardly fall into turmoil; like they were just too dumb to avoid it. Lindsay has clearly been more calculating, always encountering celebrity misadventure at exactly the right moment, and in exactly the right context. With her, you can tell it’s no accident. She is a master of her craft.”

Lohan admits, however, that her list is far from fulfilled. “Well, like, I really feel like I’ve made some progress, and I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished,” said the former child star moments after sprawling face-first to the curb as she exited the passenger seat of her attorney’s Mercedes, “but I still have a long way to go. For instance, a sex tape still eludes me. No one feels comfortable producing video evidence of their sexual encounters with me. Guys, girls, doesn’t seem to matter. Not sure why, although one said I look ‘splotchy’ on video. Plus, I’m usually too wasted to remember to set up the camera.”

Lohan did state, however, that number 18 on her list was her recent demand for an apology from the court that sentenced her for violating her probation. “No one, not even a degenerate celebrity, has ever been so smug, so obnoxious, so unspeakably dense. Until me! Whoohoo! Run and tell that, Montana Fishburn! B**** thinks she can go toe to toe with me? Bring it on!”

A W&E Exclusive! A page from Lohan's bucket list

Asked if she would reveal any yet-to-be-crossed-off milestones on her Bucket List, Lohan played coy. “Well, let’s just say one of my most favorites involves RuPaul, live television, and ultimately a complaint from PETA.” Asked to clarify if there was something on her list that would come as a surprise, Lohan tried to respond, but instead orally disgorged a fetid cocktail of gin and Reese’s peanut butter cups on this reporter’s Nikes, effectively ending the interview.

Harrison says he respects what LiLo has pulled off so far, but it is left to be seen how she matches up with other dysfunctional celebrities, many of whom have set the gold standard for Hollywood misbehavior.

“Well, you’ve got the Sheens and the Robert Downeys to factor in; there’s the Whitneys and the Gibsons. We’re talking about celebrity twits who not only crashed at a high level, but who have also had amazing staying power … they won’t leave the stage – or die – no matter what they did or what they put their bodies through. So while you have to admire Lohan’s accomplishments so far – the broad does have game – whether she earns the title of most miserable and pathetic celebrity nitwit of all time is still an open question. Only time will tell.”

[Editors note: Despite the woman’s multiple, multiple requests, harassing phone messages and death threats, W&E has declined to interview Lindsay’s mom, Dina, for this story.]

“The President’s approval numbers are tanking, and last I checked, I think mine are in the one’s,” said Pelosi. “That alone is enough to raise suspicion.”

House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, describes the breadth of the conspiracy she claims has led to low polling numbers

According to a Pelosi aide, the House Speaker is deeply troubled by the fact that polled Americans, by an ever increasing majority, find both President Obama’s policies and her insufferable personality off-putting.

Said the aide, “[Obama] is the first black president, and Nancy is the first female Speaker of the House. That automatically should equate to approval. Everybody knows that protected status is the number one factor for determining competence and likability. For polls to reveal something contrary? I mean, c’mon. No one can be universally despised, can they? So, yes we think that something is rotten in the state of Nebraska. And Arkansas. And Wisconsin. And all the other fly-over hillbilly enclaves that have turned on us.”

Pelosi told MSNBC’s sapphic sycophant, Rachel Maddow, that criticism of her policies demands immediate action. “We need to investigate all Americans. I want to know who is funding the American people. Where are they getting the money to exercise such rude objections? Who is sponsoring them?” she said. “I know they aren’t making money in this economy, so there has to be another explanation. Frankly, I’m fairly certain it’s the NRA and perhaps Rush Limbaugh.”

Maddow added, “And probably the Ku Klux Klan,” which led to a passionate girl-on-girl embrace (and the first ratings bump MSNBC has enjoyed since the late 90s).

When asked what sort of investigation she is proposing, the Speaker replied, “Anything and everything. Nothing is off the table. Bank records, tax records, even surveillance. Bottom line: We are too important to this country to be sidetracked by the insidious forces of grass roots activism that seek to supplant us from our rightful thrones– er, seats in the American government.”

Presidential Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, was asked at a White House press briefing whether the administration agreed that Obama’s falling job approval rating is dubious, and merits the intrusive investigation into each American that Ms. Pelosi is advocating.

“I think it’s pretty clear that something is amiss. I mean, it would take a presidential performance of such epic and catastrophic ineptitude to so quickly produce such shoddy numbers that … wait, strike that, next question please.” Gibbs, however, refused to respond to any more questions and instead spent the rest of the briefing shooting spit wads at the assembled press.

Later in the day, Ms. Pelosi spoke to a handful of reporters as she enjoyed the “Industrial Grade Scrape, Suck and Stretch” package at a Carmel, California spa.

Reclined in a leather chair, face covered in an avocado and green tea mask while a likely illegal immigrant massaged her toes, Pelosi spoke about why she thinks there is a conspiracy against her. “Jealously. I’ve had to work so hard to earn what I ha– OUCH! you slant-eyed c***! I told you to watch my corns!”

“Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes. I have worked hard for everything I have. Finding the right tycoon. Getting him to ignore my grating personality, my eternally surprised brow, my softball-kneed chicken legs, my refusal to engage in any sexual activity that requires more than a square inch of my body come in contact with his … that didn’t just happen on its own. I had to put in the effort. It took quite a bit of bargaining and blackmail. But look at me now!” she said, as a spa technician plugged in a belt sander. “Basically, I think that if America knew the real me, they’d appreciate how much they owe me, and investigations would no longer be necessary.”

A week ago, Phillips hurt the Cardinals feelings when he observantly noted that the team, from its players up to its sulky manager Tony La Russa, whined a lot. Predictably, the Cardinals complained loudly about Phillips’ comments, with La Russa warning ominously that Phillips would “have his problems with his boss and his teammates” and even scurrying after St. Louis reporters to offer additional, unsolicited on-the-record complaints about his verbal antagonist.

Words swiftly turned into action in the game following the publication of Phillips’ comments, with shrill-voiced Cardinal catcher Yadier Molina springing up from his award-winning wide stance behind home plate to chirp in Phillips’ face during his first plate appearance. Both benches cleared and the Cardinals went on to sweep the Reds in the three-game series.

Baseball pundits across the land effectively crowned them as division champions, as the sweep reversed a two-game deficit to a one-game lead for the Cardinals in the standings.

The Cardinals were quick to credit Phillips, effectively admitting that their team of highly paid, world-class athletes needed motivation other than their large salaries and a pennant race to elicit productivity on the field. “It seemed like we were playing with a little more intensity than normal,” noted one Cardinal player.

Or, as fat-faced St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist and lapdog Cardinal apologist Bernie Miklasz put it, “Phillips couldn’t have done this any better if the Cardinals were paying him under the table to sabotage the Reds.”

Unfortunately, the motivational effects of Phillips’ insensitive but truthful remarks apparently had a limited shelf life, as the Cardinals fell flat on their faces in the final two games of the Cubs series after winning the opening game.

Eager to wrest first place again from the Reds, the Cardinals are turning once again to Phillips.

Tony La Russa delivers a motivational speech of his own to an uncooperative umpire.

“Clearly, Brandon was responsible for the string of victories we pulled off after his hateful remarks,” said Cardinals Manger Tony La Russa when reached for comment at the wine bar he had installed in the home dugout at Busch Stadium 2.0.

When asked if his team shouldn’t have already had ample motivation to compete and might have won regardless of Phillips’ comments, he raised a stern finger in interruption and said, “Our victories occurred after Brandon’s hateful and hurtful remarks, and therefore because of them.

“I’ve just employed classical first-order logic in making that argument, and while I know you can’t hope to understand it, trust me, it’s infallible.”

La Russa said negotiations were still underway with the Reds and Brandon Phillips, but he didn’t think the trade deadline would be a problem, since Phillips “won’t be playing, only motivationally speaking” for the team.

“Think of him as another coach – we have pitching coach Dave Duncan, pharmacological coach Mark McGuire, and now we’ll have motivational speaking coach Brandon Phillips.”

When Phillips was asked how negotiations were going, he said, “I’d tell you they are a bunch of whiny bitches, but I can’t say that until they start paying me.”

“Normally, in the continental United States, there are about three accidents per month involving general aviation aircraft. In Alaska, there are even more – they average 10 per month up there,” said NTSB spokeswoman Harsher Abdomen.

In both cases, “No one really cares,” she noted. “These are small, private planes, usually with propeller engines. The traveling masses don’t use them and therefore, accidents involving them just don’t hold their attention.”

“When a GA plane goes down in Alaska – in remote, rugged terrain, often with limited visibility, not only do they care even less, they would almost expect it, assuming they were even made aware of it,” she added.

“If they don’t get worked up about a private jet crash at Teterboro (outside of New York City) they sure aren’t going to give a hoot when a prop plane goes down in flyover country or in an even less relevant place like Alaska,” she explained.

So when Monday’s crash of the DeHavilland DHC-3 Otter spawned hysterical, nationwide news coverage and drew hordes of attention-seeking aviation pundits out of the woodwork in the manner one would expect only after a major airline crash, the NTSB made it a point of its investigation to understand why.

After just three days of analysis, the agency thinks it already knows: the presence of former U.S. Senator Ted Stevens. Stevens, one of the most successful pork-barrel politicians in U.S. history, served in the U.S. senate for more than four decades.

With members of Congress installed, the NTSB thinks even crashes of antiquated single-engine aircraft in dismal Alaskan flying conditions could continue to land needed media attention.

“We usually hate to rush to judgment, but after a careful and impartial analysis of the data we’ve recovered from this accident, we’re confident in our early conclusion that the presence of Ted Stevens – and only the presence of Ted Stevens – is what garnered this GA accident the attention it has captured in the national media,” said Abdomen in a statement released by the NTSB.

Seeking to move swiftly on its findings, the NTSB has recommended to the FAA that a member of Congress be required on every G.A. flight within the United States.

“The loss of every aircraft is a tragedy,” read the NTSB statement. “Therefore, each is deserving of full media and regulatory scrutiny.”

Considering the vast number of GA flights per day, the NTSB says that the proposed regulations could be satisfied by using former senators, as Stevens was, as well as “active and former U.S. Representatives, whose lives are also routinely perceived to be of more value than the average citizen’s and therefore more deserving of a full-bore accident investigation when involved in a crash. This recommendation will save lives by diverting rightful attention to every crash, because every crash will have a current or active member of U.S. Congress on board.”

The NTSB noted in an aside that an additional benefit of the proposal would be to “organically induce a de facto term limit among at least a portion of Congress, determined on an impartial and indeed random basis. There are several GA crashes per month. Although not all produce fatalities, the Congressional herd will nonetheless be thinned.”

The NTSB has asked the FAA to respond within 30 days to its recommendation, but it cannot compel the FAA to take action. In the past, the FAA has complained that the NTSB has made suggestions that are not feasible or even possible.

Although the FAA declined to say whether it would ultimately implement the proposal, it did issue a statement agreeing to test the policy using disgraced windbag and current U.S. Congressman Charles Rangel.

According to court documents, Mr. Carter has leveled several legal challenges to President Obama, including violation of intellectual property rights.

Jimmy Carter casts an evil eye towards President Obama during a prayer breakfast in D.C. last month

Said Carter’s attorney, Vincent Nortel, “Former President Carter is protected as a fictional character by common law trademark. President Obama’s striking likeness is clearly actionable. The very things that are most identifiable to Mr. Carter, [Obama] is stealing with impunity.”

When asked how trademark of a “character” could apply to Mr. Carter, a real person, Nortel replied, “Please. No one thinks Mr. Carter is for real.”

The suit also accuses President Obama of infringing upon Mr. Carter’s right of publicity – a privacy law tort that prohibits use of a celebrity’s name, image, or likeness for personal gain. “We haven’t exactly figured out how being like Jimmy Carter should ever lead to personal gain,” said Nortel, “but it worked for him, so we presume it will work for Obama. I’m sure there is a banana republic that will set him up in his later years to monitor supposedly democratic elections, which will lead to endless television appearances, not to mention the unwarranted overvaluation of an opinion that would normally merit the same amount of respect as the opinion of a cockroach.”

Robert Gibbs stated in a press conference today that the President flatly denies any wrongdoing. “I’m not sure how Mr. Carter can conclude that the President is encroaching on any right attached to his identity,” Gibbs said with typical smug incredulousness.

“I mean – besides overseeing administrations connected with exploding job losses, skyrocketing oil prices, weakening American influence and power in foreign affairs, capitulation to nut job Iranian leaders, mass dissatisfaction of administration policies among Americans including notable discontent from his own party, tanking job approval numbers, a laughing-stock vice-president who possesses the gravitas of a rodeo clown, and a deeply entrenched sense of malaise suffered by a population weary of perpetual economic bad news and an increasingly flaccid foreign policy, combined with zero faith in the administration’s ability to enact even a single measure that will contribute to reversing the country’s course from a pitiful but inexorable decline – the two have absolutely nothing in common.”

Gibbs then stormed from the room, but not before dashing through the press pool rows and stealing the pens of each of the attending reporters.

UPDATE:

Today, the Obama camp has filed a reply in the case and specifically has asked that George Bush be a named party to the case. Stated in the memorandum in support of its motion, Obama claims that “ [i]f anyone is to blame, it most surely is George Bush.” In a strange twist, Carter joined in the motion.

Slater’s dramatic exit resulted in his later arrest and many are wondering how someone charged with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and trespassing could so quickly and emphatically be crowned as a folk hero.

The answer, say experts, is simple: hypocrisy and an amazing lack of self awareness.

Madyson Frenchkiss, a 25-year-old escort specializing in foreign diplomats who enjoys non-executive plutonium status on Lufthansa due to her frequent travels, was reached for comment while standing in a 12-items-or-less line at Waldbaum’s with a grocery cart packed with 79 items.

Steven Slater, between passenger assaults

“OMG [sic] that flight attendant is so like my hero,” she gushed between laborious chomps of the massive bulge of bubble gum lodged in her mouth. “It’s about time somebody put rude people in their place!”

Anthony DeLucca, 31, paused from his shouted cellphone conversation on a crowded city bus to offer his own praise. “That guy, man, even though he’s gay, he’s my hero!” he cried, even louder than his phone conversation had been.

“Somebody’s got to stand up to inconsiderate people!” he added, lifting a leg to facilitate a foul burst of flatulence.

“If you take even the most obnoxious people, the ones who from day one have gotten what they want by being the squeakiest wheel and survey them, you’ll realize most of them don’t realize what assholes they are,” explains Dr. Steward Seawall, a non-managing director of psychiatry at the Tony La Russa Institute of Arrogance in Tampa, Florida.

“That’s why we see people praising Slater and friending [sic] him even though most of them, as airline passengers and customers, act just like the self-entitled, over-privileged wench that started the altercation.

“Clearly, her need to get to her bags immediately was more important than anything else on that plane, including other passengers and Steven Slater’s injuries. Since catering to that mindset is what is defined as ‘customer service’ in America, these incidents shouldn’t be that surprising.”

As an example, Seawall cited one of his case studies who defecated on an airline galley cart when he was denied a beverage during a flight from Los Angeles to Newark. “This guy is one of Slater’s biggest fans. He can’t stop talking and tweeting about him. It’s amazing.

“The fact is that he – like most other whining, hyper-demanding customers – can’t see the irony, the hypocrisy in idolizing Slater when it could as easily have been them that instigated it. Heck, maybe even Kate Hanni likes him.”