According to court documents, Mr. Carter has leveled several legal challenges to President Obama, including violation of intellectual property rights.

Jimmy Carter casts an evil eye towards President Obama during a prayer breakfast in D.C. last month

Said Carter’s attorney, Vincent Nortel, “Former President Carter is protected as a fictional character by common law trademark. President Obama’s striking likeness is clearly actionable. The very things that are most identifiable to Mr. Carter, [Obama] is stealing with impunity.”

When asked how trademark of a “character” could apply to Mr. Carter, a real person, Nortel replied, “Please. No one thinks Mr. Carter is for real.”

The suit also accuses President Obama of infringing upon Mr. Carter’s right of publicity – a privacy law tort that prohibits use of a celebrity’s name, image, or likeness for personal gain. “We haven’t exactly figured out how being like Jimmy Carter should ever lead to personal gain,” said Nortel, “but it worked for him, so we presume it will work for Obama. I’m sure there is a banana republic that will set him up in his later years to monitor supposedly democratic elections, which will lead to endless television appearances, not to mention the unwarranted overvaluation of an opinion that would normally merit the same amount of respect as the opinion of a cockroach.”

Robert Gibbs stated in a press conference today that the President flatly denies any wrongdoing. “I’m not sure how Mr. Carter can conclude that the President is encroaching on any right attached to his identity,” Gibbs said with typical smug incredulousness.

“I mean – besides overseeing administrations connected with exploding job losses, skyrocketing oil prices, weakening American influence and power in foreign affairs, capitulation to nut job Iranian leaders, mass dissatisfaction of administration policies among Americans including notable discontent from his own party, tanking job approval numbers, a laughing-stock vice-president who possesses the gravitas of a rodeo clown, and a deeply entrenched sense of malaise suffered by a population weary of perpetual economic bad news and an increasingly flaccid foreign policy, combined with zero faith in the administration’s ability to enact even a single measure that will contribute to reversing the country’s course from a pitiful but inexorable decline – the two have absolutely nothing in common.”

Gibbs then stormed from the room, but not before dashing through the press pool rows and stealing the pens of each of the attending reporters.

UPDATE:

Today, the Obama camp has filed a reply in the case and specifically has asked that George Bush be a named party to the case. Stated in the memorandum in support of its motion, Obama claims that “ [i]f anyone is to blame, it most surely is George Bush.” In a strange twist, Carter joined in the motion.

Originally posted 2010-08-12 15:40:01. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The effects of a lobotomy apparent, Julian Assange makes shadow puppets at New Media Days 2009

Thousands of classified documents, including those detailing military strategy in the Afghan war, were released today by WikiLeaks.org, a self-propagandizing and unscrupulous website dedicated, ostensibly, to transparency in government.

However, in a fit of what can only be called incredible stupidity, within the trove of posted documents, WikiLeaks apparently also inadvertently released the medical records of the group’s frosty-headed editor-in-chief, Julian Assange. And doubtless, those records are every bit as titillating and provocative as the aforementioned military documents.

For instance, though always widely speculated, the public now has irrefutable proof that Assange was indeed lobotomized when he was sixteen.

“No one but a blithering idiot could believe that it is in anyone’s interest to reveal top secret military strategy in an ongoing war, ultimately putting innocent men and women at significant and unnecessary risk,” said Peter McGraw, a policy consultant for the Pentagon. “So no, I’m not surprised.”

As shocking as Assange’s lobotomy, it is not nearly as strange as the reason behind the surgery.

“Well,” said his Australian mum, “he was always a strange boy. Craved attention and all that. But as he got older, he became more aggressive … and a bit more deviant. This is hard to recount, but … well, one day he dressed himself in a rain slicker, and nothing else, and began flashing passing motorists from a highway overpass,” she said grimly. “But one of the vehicles was a very large semi-trailer and the driver blasted his horn. Julian’s always been a nervous boy and, well, after wetting his pants he fell off the overpass and conked his head very hard.” After wiping her eyes, she continued, “but that was nothing compared to this. I could live with the fact that I had a perverted half-brained son. But one that would perpetrate this heinous act? Publishing secret information that might put soldiers in jeopardy? I just wish I knew what I did wrong.”

Other information detailed in the medical records was equally astounding. For instance, much of Assange’s pathology – from his narcissism to his relentless pursuit of the spotlight – likely stems from (pardon the pun) a tragic mistake during his circumcision which was conducted when Assange was 10, and at his request. According to the leaked records, Assange arranged for the procedure to be performed by an Aborigine witch doctor (his mum says he distrusted regular doctors for being “in on the conspiracy”). However, the operation went horribly wrong when the witch doctor, who was evidently allergic to Assange’s Benetton cologne, sneezed.

“Oh, don’t worry, he didn’t lose it,” said his mum. “But he’ll never achieve … well, let’s say ‘anything more than half mast.’”

Opponents of Assange’s document dump are seizing upon the revelations to discredit the myopic misanthropic maladjusted miscreant journalist.

“With a deformed wee-wee and an ice-cream scooper taken to his head, it’s no wonder he is incapable of recognizing the harm his reprehensible site causes,” said McGraw. “But the fact that I now pity him still doesn’t change the fact that he should be sharing his views with the padded walls of an institution, and not the digital superhighway.”

One other bit of information revealed in Assange’s medical file is sure to astound those who have met him: he is in fact not albino, just really really creepy looking.

Originally posted 2010-07-26 09:29:19. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

To some, Easter is the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, a story made popular by the 2004 Mel Gibson film ‘The Passion of the Christ’.

Photo of the mysterious Easter phenomenon taken from the parking lot of a nearby Wal-Mart

“Even though it was His day, we’re the one’s who were blessed with a gift. It’s a miracle!” said local resident Dancy Spackle.

“Praise. The. Lord.”

The phenomenon, which appeared in the skies of the rural Kansas village, has scientists baffled.

“I’ve seen some strange cloud formations, but never in my life ones that are not only comprised of Roman alphabetical characters, but are also arranged in such a way as to spell out a word. And not just any word, but a name. And not just any name either. The Son of God’s himself,” stated Runk Bunkmeyer, Chief Meteorologist for Wichita ABC affiliate KAKE.

Skeptics, however, aren’t buying it.

“Jesus [HAY-soose] is a well known Hispanic name,” said Tenth Lipbalm, a linguistics expert. “I don’t recall of any mention of the ‘Son of God’ being born in Spain. Or Mexico for that matter.”

Local youth minister Gym Upbeat argues that it is simply God’s way of reminding us that “Hey, I’m here guys. Hello?”

“No way. It’s a warning. And it’s message is clear: God is mad at the liberals for electing Osama [sic],” Spackle insists.

While the jury may still be out on this one, one wonders: How much will the famous signature go for on eBay?

Originally posted 2009-04-13 06:00:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

As luck would have it, CNN’s weekday anchor Kyra Phillips was substituting for King’s corpse, which was undergoing routine scheduled maintenance, so Cosby’s desperate call was fielded by the guest host.

Cosby appeared not to notice.

“Listen Larry, I just want your viewers to take a look at you so they can remind themselves what an actual corpse looks like, and compare that to me, a living, breathing entertainer,” he said.

Bill Cosby may talk less than Larry King, but he's actually alive.

“No offense, Larry, but I’m only 73. I think most of your suspenders are older than that,” he added.

After a pause, he asked, “Don’t you all have a laugh track?”

“Seriously, people, I’m obviously not only alive, I’m vivacious. But the good news is that, as Larry has proven for several decades, death is no reason to give up what you love doing – so even when I do die, I ain’t going nowhere. Peace.”

With that, Cosby hung up.

When reached for comment, King’s corpse was being defragmented and unable to offer a comment before press time.

Originally posted 2010-08-04 09:30:30. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Would 2,881 game seconds have saved the day?

MILWAUKEE – On New Year’s Eve, the Milwaukee Bucs lost narrowly to the Houston Rockets in Houston, 85-81. Today, the Bucs officially filed a protest with the NBA – not over an official’s call, but over timekeeping.

The game began at 7 p.m. EST, or midnight Coordinated Universal Time (UTC). It just so happens that at that exact time, a so-called “leap second” was being added to atomic clocks to compensate for orbital drag, which scientists say slows the earth’s spin and eventually causes it to be out of synch with atomic clocks.

Without the occasional “leap second” to offset the discrepancy, eventually – that is, in about 1,000 years – the sun’s highest point in the sky – an honor reserved exclusively for the noon hour – would instead occur sacrilegiously at 1 p.m.

Although many timekeeping devices throughout the world, such as cell phones, computers and others, should have automatically inserted the extra second around 12 a.m. UTC, the Bucs say that wasn’t a factor in what happened Friday because the adjustment was made right before tip off and didn’t effect actual game time as recorded on the scoreboard.

“We’ve analyzed the game, and, sure enough, it only took 2,880 seconds (48 minutes) in scoreboard time,” said Scott Skiles, coach of the 15-18 Bucs.

“I’m not saying we would have won for sure with that extra second, but who knows? A guy could have heaved a three in that extra second and gotten fouled. Boom, four points.”

NBA officials have said games rarely start at precisely the scheduled time, in this case, 7 p.m. and zero seconds. “Given that, there would be no way for the leap second to have been inserted into play time,” said NBA Commissioner David Stern.

Stern said the NBA will study the protest but added, “Even an atomic clock couldn’t measure how much time would have to pass before I agreed with their position.”

Originally posted 2009-01-02 08:27:01. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

NEW YORK – A growing number of U.S. scientists who are outspoken about the threat of global warming have concluded that, in spite of his progressive politics, MSNBC windbag Keith Olbermann is “part of the problem” when it comes to global warming, according to Princeton University scientist Joaquim Neutron.

“At least, as long as he has his show he is,” Neutron clarified. “The best thing he could do for the fight against global warming would be to simply shut up.”

Neutron said several independent studies confirmed that while global warming is caused mainly by humans, roughly 75% of that human input can be traced directly to the massive amounts of hot air Olbermann’s jowl-jiggling tirades generate during his sanctimonious political show.

Scientists had a unique opportunity to confirm the hypothesis during Olbermann’s contrived four-day suspension. While  Olbermann was banned from the MSNBC air waves for doling out cash to three of his favorite liberal politicians, Neutron said scientists noted an average daily decrease in carbon emissions of nearly 18,000 metric tons, or roughly what the nation of China puts out every day.

“This was similar to the empirical opportunities to measure the effects of contrails after commercial aviation was suspended in the wake of 9-11,” explained Neutron. “The data really are impeccable.”

Olbermann emits a carbon-heavy outburst of hot air.

Scientists will work closely with MSNBC to convince them to permanently remove the overrated sportscaster-turned-political-pundit, known as much for his billowing jowls, pearly whites and the ridiculously large spectacle frames that somehow manage to stand out among the leviathan features of his facial landscape as he his for any original political insight.

“We think if we sit Keith down and talk him through the numbers, he’ll understand that as passionate as he his about the need to stop global warming, he’ll accept that the way he can really help us is to step to the sidelines,” said Neutron.

“If he does that, everyone can get a Hummer and we’ll still be ahead. It’s a win-win.”



Originally posted 2010-11-09 08:36:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

ATA member airlines carry 90 percent of U.S. airline passengers, giving most passengers little choice in the matter.

Under the program, which begins next month, passengers will need to check in a minimum of three hours prior to departure, regardless of flight time and destination. The extra time will be used to administer a potent, quick-acting laxative that the ATA says will “guarantee a powerful bowel movement prior to boarding.”

The program has been dubbed “Clear Rectums for Airline Productivity,” or CRAP.

“Our member airlines carry more than 600 million passengers per year,” said Debit Memo, managing director of non-imaginary numbers for the ATA. “If you assume just eight ounces of latent pre-flight fecal matter per passenger, the CRAP program will lighten our load annually by 300 million pounds. That would save us 3 million gallons of jet fuel per year, which translates into at least 70 million fewer pounds of carbon each year in the atmosphere.”

Despite more than doubling energy efficiency between 1978 and 2007 – a far cry from the auto industry’s dismal performance during the same period – the airline industry has come under increasing pressure from environmentalist harpies to crack down on carbon emissions. “Because of their successful governmental lobbying efforts and our own desire to spend less on fuel, we have been moved to ‘take a CRAP,’” said Memo.

But CRAP is already creating a foul odor for passenger rights groups. Kate Hanni, the self-created micro-celebrity who hurled herself into the media spotlight after being stuck for hours on a plane grounded by a once-in-a-century thunderstorm system that affected half a continent, said, “This is an outrage. Passengers should have the right to poo wherever and whenever they want, including right in their over-priced airplane seats. I do, and will even more often now as a show of support to my fellow passengers.”

Hanni said she will raise the topic on her next trip to Capitol Hill – her 57th since founding the Coalition for an Airline Passengers’ Bill of Rights.

Airport officials, who initially expressed concern, now support the idea as a potential revenue-enhancing opportunity. Many major airports plan to dramatically increase the number of airport restrooms to make it easier for passengers to respond to nature’s urgent call, but will make them pay toilets, according to Airports Council International – North America (ACI-NA), a trade group for U.S. airports.

“By doing this, we can both ensure passenger convenience while offsetting the loss in segment fees that have resulted from the dramatic cuts in airline schedules during the recession,” said Vlad Tailstrike, a spokesperson with ACI-NA.

Troubled by the fact that many of the virulent bowel movements that are known to result from the airline laxative are bound to occur during the long, snaking lines that are a TSA legacy, the agency nonetheless supports the initiative, but only after making some changes of their own to accommodate it, said Pat Ironbra, a spokeswoman.

“We will add plastic containers, similar to hospital bed pans, that passengers can pick up, like the bins they place their laptops in. They will simply be able to relieve themselves right in line, without noticeably slowing the process”

Ironbra said that although the bins will be dumped when full, they will be immediately reused. “We have to be green as well, you know. Washing them would waste time and energy.”

Going green ... the brown way.

Memo, of the ATA, said the laxatives will be dispensed at ticket counters, automated kiosks and TSA checkpoint entries. Airline officials will be posted at each location to verify ingestion of the laxatives and validate boarding passes with a stamp, much like some bag-inspection and other airport clearance procedures are currently managed.

He would not offer details on what the laxative is made of, nor how it acts, saying only, “This not your typical, off-the-shelf laxative. When you take this, you will feel the effects usually within 30 minutes, no more than an hour, and they will be remarkable.”

“It’s very important that they be quick acting, as having the passengers moving their mail inflight would be a pointless waste of time,” he said, adding that the industry was considering a fee passengers could pay for the privilege of eschewing the laxative.

“Think of it as an excess baggage fee,” he said. “If you don’t want to leave your solid waste at the airport, you’re going to have to pay us to transport it, just like tourists hauling all those silly outfits they’ll never wear do now.”

Although the policy will not be enforced until next month, the airlines plan to start educating passengers about the new program beginning next week, when an informational campaign centered around the slogan, “Be Kind, Leave it Behind,” kicks off at the nation’s 15 busiest airports. In addition to signs, posters and LED messages, hired actors dressed as friendly, smiling-turd mascots will be on hand to distribute Q&A brochures.

Originally posted 2009-04-27 20:53:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

ST. LOUIS – Future hall of famer and part-time player manager Albert Pujols today explained the bizarre hit-and-run play during Game Five of the World Series in which the runner (slow-footed Allen Craig) ran, but the hitter-manager (Albert Pujols) didn’t even swing).

“The guy was a distraction for me down there on first base,” Pujols told reporters at the team’s daily media briefing today. “I wanted him gone because I couldn’t concentrate on hitting the ball out the stadium with him pestering me out of the corner of my eye.

“If I were a left-handed hitter, man, he’s still be there, or I mean he would have still been there when I hit the game-tying home run, but I’m a right hander. Not going to apologize about that.”

When asked directly if he had called the hit and run with the intent to not swing so Craig would be eliminated from first base, Pujols replied, “Him looming down at first base … it was awful. It was worse than having a splinter in your eye that you can’t get out. Yes … or maybe he’d steal the base, but then I’d have to put it on again to get him out of my sight.”

Craig has stolen five bases in his career.

After receiving the hit-and-run order from Pujols, which, according to Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, was transmitted via “buttocks – Albert touches his buttocks in a particular order to put it on,” Craig dutifully lumbered into action on the base path when the pitcher began his windup, only to watch Pujols impassively watch the pitch sail by.  

Rangers catcher Mike Napoli threw him out by several feet after pausing to tweet “watch this” to his followers.

Pujols was then intentionally walked.

“Dang, they walked me, so I didn’t even get to take a swing after getting rid of Craig,” said Pujols. “I guess that’s why Tony gets the really big bucks – he can think more than one move ahead.”

La Russa refused to criticize Pujols hit-and-take play – sort of. “Albert’s special. He’s a special guy, special ballplayer. He’s in the circle – the inside circle. He’s going to the Hall of Fame. He’s earned it, ok? He’s earned it. I have confidence in him. He’s earned the right to test that confidence by calling a hit and run and then not hitting, so we have a new play now, the take-and-run.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t call it – I thought I might have accidentally called it when I picked my nose before that at bat, but I didn’t. It was all on Albert, who is a great player.”

Originally posted 2011-10-26 07:08:18. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Because of the urgency of this matter, we had to move fast,” said
Wood. “But we still managed to put some careful thought into it. As it
turns out, Italy has the seventh-largest GDP output in the world,
compared to say, Indonesia, which is only ranked 20th.

There are many earthquake-prone regions in Italy

“Naturally, we want to make our foreign policy conform with the
socialist agenda we’ve adopted at home, so we had to adjust our aid to Italy by removing a substantial success penalty from our base
allocation. It’s all part of our plan to reward failure and punish
success.”

Wood also pointed out that Italy is largely pro-Western, Christian and
generally supports the United States’ foreign policy efforts in Iraq,
Afghanistan and elsewhere. “Contrast that with Indonesia, for
example,” he continued. “Indonesia is teeming with millions of
disenfranchised Islamic youth who dream every day of seeing the
imperialist pigs – that would be us – brought to ruin within their
lifetimes. I don’t think I can make it any clearer why Italy should
receive only a fraction of the aid we offered Indonesia after their
own 6.3-magnitude quake back in 2006.”

“It’s all about the winning of hearts and minds,” he added. “We’ve won the hearts and minds of Western Europe, so why pay them?”

The U.S. provided at least $5 million in aid after the Indonesian
earthquake in 2006, in which about 6,000 died and 36,000 were injured.

“Broken down into unit costs per victim, the U.S. aid to Indonesia
translated to $119.05, and to Italy it comes to $30.67. That 288%
premium for exotic anti-American lives vs. boring old pro-American
lives sounds about right on course for this administration,” noted
Boning Barker, chief largesse analyst for Calyon, a corporate and
investment banking leviathan based in London.

Although Wood wouldn’t confirm the exact method of computing the
premium, he acknowledged the numbers “pretty much reflect our formula going in,” adding that Western countries could still qualify for big U.S. payouts. “If it were a country with more volatility, more poverty – preferably both with a strong dash of anti-Americanism – you’d see more robust numbers – maybe an Albania, maybe a Moldova, maybe even a Turkey,” he added.

Originally posted 2009-04-06 21:26:01. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Browns Coach Eric Mangini couldn’t hide his excitement, saying, “Look at her!Her base is so wide that she looks deformed.She looks like she could shit out an ambulance.With that frame she should single-handedly shore up our run defense!“

“Besides,” Mangini continued with a grin, “from all the scouting reports, she’ll gladly take on the double team.”

Capable of shitting an ambulance in a single dump.

So is signing a vapid, brain-dead celebutard just a publicity stunt?General Manager George Kokinis acknowledged that’s part of the reason.“Lots of bad teams do PR stunts this time of year,” Kokinis admitted, “Buffalo signed Terrell Owens; Cincy has Ochocinco.We’re so bad we can’t even start a trend, but at least we can follow one.Let’s face it, we’re in desperate need some attention, and what better way than to sign the biggest attention whore around?”

Kokinis defends his decision as more than just a desperate plea for headlines, though. “Look,” Kokinis explained, “Nobody ever bought a ticket to see Kim Kardassian do anything, and our fans certainly aren’t going to buy one to watch her play football.The Browns wouldn’t do this if we didn’t need a widebody in the middle.  However, we’re also performing a service.We’re employing her in a manner where she can keep her clothes on and she doesn’t have to speak.The world ought to be grateful on both counts.”

Though her resume in the football world is every bit as thin as her resume in Hollywood (and every bit as thin as she pretends to be via airbrushing), the Browns feel that they have a diamond in the rough. “We know she’s not afraid to do the dirty work,” indicated Defensive Line Coach Bryan Cox. “We’re hoping that her desperation will rub off on the rest of the locker room.”

When asked if having a woman on the team would cause problems in the locker room, Cox answered, “With all that cellulite, we’re not particularly concerned.But the trainers have stocked up on penicillin just in case.”

Originally posted 2009-08-11 13:07:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter