“The what?”, Ebersol asked, following the question of Hans Dieterman of the Frankfurt Zeitung, showing a look that witnesses described as a combination of disgust and shock.

Apparently, Ebersol was not only caught off guard with the question, but experts say that his body language indicated he really had no clue as to what the skiing event actually was.

“His facial express

Skiing as an Olympic Event? Apparently NBC has other ideas.

ions, coupled with the coloring of his cheeks indicate to me that he was dumbfounded”, claimed Susan-Cater-Martin Smith, clinical psychologist with Columbia University and a nationally renowned expert on body language. Carter-Martin Smith also stated that “We often see the same symptoms with defendants in court when they are confronted with facts they are unaware of. It’s just a natural human reaction.”

This publication contacted other executives at NBC Universal Sports to get their answers to Dieterman’s question, only to find out that to the person, none of them were aware of any events taking place in the 21st Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver other than Men’s and Women’s Figure Skating.

Jennifer Colins-Alvarez, Director of Primetime Programming at NBC, never actually answered the question, preferring to tout the accolades of famous skaters such as Michelle Kwan and Katarina Witt instead. “These women really put the sport on the map”, Colins-Alvarez added. “If it weren’t for them, our ratings for broadcasting the games would have never been what they were.”

When asked to name a skier, Colins-Alvarez got defensive and explained that, while she had been skiing before, she didn’t “consider such activities to be worthy of an Olympic event.”

A follow-up call to Ebersol’s office was met with a promise by his assistant to relay our message to him. When asked why Ebersol was not available to take our call, the unnamed assistant claimed that he was watching video footage of the 2009 U.S. Figure Skating Championships and did not want to be disturbed.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi pointed out several examples of what she called “shocking, senseless and sinister displays of misguided independence.”

The Federal Government: gone but not forgotten.

“Wal-Mart is still open,” she noted. “The Grand Canyon is still there. I read that Duke beat North Carolina last night - I am shocked at the waste of energy and resources in the reckless pursuit of frivolous play even as the all-providing hand of government has been stilled.”

When told that FedEx, UPS and even the U.S. Postal service were still operating throughout all 50 states, she began sobbing, saying, “Please, please don’t make me check my premise.”

Similar anguish was expressed throughout all levels of government, from the president’s office down to rank-and-file democrats who wanted to keep running even after the wheel had stopped.

Josiah Mutterpuhl, a mid-level attorney at the Federal Interagency Committee for the Management of Noxious and Exotic Weeds (FICMNEW), was in tears after being rescued by the Washington Fire Department nearly 40 feet from his Georgetown brownstone.

“It’s so awful,” he said. “Four days without work and no car service since I rely on my staff to arrange that. Even the nanny didn’t show up. How am I supposed to know what to feed a child? Where’s the National Guard? Where’s our military when we really need them and how can life possibly continue as if it’s no big deal that the Federal Government is not here to tell everybody what to do?”

Tim Kaine, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, conceded his party would have to “reassess the apparent gap between reality and our party’s position” following an embarrassing gaffe on national television earlier in the week during an interview with CNN’s hoary, lion-haired anchor Wolf Blitzer on the eve of the blizzard.

“Wolf, I must warn our conservative friends on the threshold of ‘Snowpacalypse’* to be careful what they wish for,” said Kaine soberly. “For far too long we’ve heard them brazenly pine for a smaller, less powerful Federal Government. Well, if we have to shut down for these next few days, they’re going to learn the hard way just how difficult life becomes without a strong, centrally planned Federal Government to lead the way.”

Kaine said he became increasingly uneasy over the following four days as lives continued throughout the country unhindered by the hibernation of the Federal Government.

“I began fearing I might have to eat my words,” he said. “I’ve eaten lots of my words throughout my career, and trust me, they don’t taste good.

“When I woke up this morning and we still had power and the networks were still broadcasting, I was dumbfounded. How can they do this for four straight days without us?

“Then I saw that during those four days, the DOW posted a 756.43% Compound Annual Growth Rate. I knew then that this would not be helpful to our experiment of building a socialist America.”

Sill, Kaine hinted there may be hope.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that the only reason things have held together is the excellent emergency-response plan we put together. The challenge now is to make sure folks realize this and to turn this into an opportunity to grow the government.

“After all, next time it might be a lot longer than four days.”

*“Snowpacalypse” has been nominated as the year’s most obnoxious made-up word, even though it’s only February. While impossible to conceive of at the moment, an even worse specimen may emerge as the year progresses. If this occurs, the real apocalypse is likely upon us.

The hastily arranged conference, which was held outdoors in sweltering conditions due to the ongoing power outage, comes on the heels of the New Orleans Saints’ unlikely triumph over the Indianapolis Colts in yesterday’s Super Bowl.

As originally reported by Wine and Excrement, a Saints Super Bowl victory holds the promise of swiftly and magically reversing the ravages of Hurricane Katrina and the other chronic ills that bedevil the city and the entire Bayou region, including a level of government corruption rivaling that of Haiti itself.

Left, the "Pooper Dome" as it appeared until yesterday's New Orleans Super Bowl triump. On right, the Super Dome as it appears afterwards.

Port-au-Prince Mayor Jean Yves Jason, bellowing through a bullhorn, declared, “There are many parallels between Port-au-Prince and New Orleans: Billions of dollars in squandered government aid money; chronic, multi-generational poverty; rampant crime and looting; unbridled government corruption; official victimhood status at the hands of the white devils; and voodoo.

“We will have soon another similarity – a Super Bowl-winning American football team!”

The Mayor continued by explaining that an exhaustive analysis, funded by U.S./U.N. aid money and donations from the New Orleans Convention and Visitors Bureau and the NFL Players Association, had proven “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that the Saints’ Super Bowl conquest of the Colts was “100% responsible for the complete turnaround in New Orleans now underway.”

When asked to comment on the fact that all reports so far indicate that, aside from a moderate increase in bead purchases and public effluence, life in New Orleans remains wholly unchanged today in spite of the Saints triumph, Mayor Jason attempted to yield the podium to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who was not in attendance.

He then shouted, “Watch out for the Port-au-Prince Warlocks!” and stormed out of the conference.

An NFL spokesman confirmed that “discussions at the highest levels” were underway to send a professional team to Haiti. “We’re going to donate a franchise to them; after all, you see how the Saints’ victory has completely and totally transformed the city of New Orleans. A Super Bowl win can mean the difference between life and death.

“That one game turned a water-stained dump to a modern city state,” he proclaimed.

He added, “We can’t afford to just create a new team for them, though, so we’re going to disenfranchise a chronically underperforming team from the Mainland, a team that exists in a city largely devoid of natural disasters: the Cincinnati Bengals. No one really cares and it’s not like they were going to be scripted to win a Super Bowl any time soon.

“Besides, there’s just too much confusion between ‘Who Dey’ and ‘Who Dat.”

“But we want the Warlocks to win a Super Bowl immediately,” he continued, “just like we wanted the Saints to win this year, so we’re going to let them dump the Bengal roster, change the name of course, and draft the best players from every other team in the league. This will guarantee Haiti not only a full recovery, but total economic dominance in the Caribbean.

“Quién ils?” he then screamed in pidgin French.

“I looked that up on Google translate.”

The Saints originated in 1967 and this is their first-ever championship appearance.  Many believe that their gold and black color scheme represents the public urination and blackouts common in the French Quarter, and that the fleur-de-lis symbol on their helmets symbolizes the anchor of grim reality drowning the hopes and dreams of its citizens.  Watch any television program about New Orleans, and you’ll be dutifully reminded of the 2005 Katrinacalypse which almost destroyed the city.  During Super Bowl Hype Week™ somber announcers have obediently followed pre-planned scripts, informing us in solemn tones of “long-suffering fans” who “deserve” to have their team win, and how much “good” a championship will do for the city.

This used to be a pile of lumber.

In a speech yesterday to the New Orleans Chamber of Commerce, Mayor Ray Nagin proudly exclaimed to the masses, “If we are unified, there is nothing we can’t do!  Even Katrina couldn’t wash away the vomit stench in the French Quarter, but a Saints win will!”

Nagin did not explain how this magic would happen.  Nor did he discuss the fact that rampant poverty, corruption and squalor raged in New Orleans prior to the devastation and that those conditions remain largely unchanged during the past five years of his mayorship.

Political Strategist and Louisiana native James Carville spoke after Nagin.  His enthusiasm soared as the prospects of a Saints Championship buoyed his spirits.

“A championship will be great for this city!”  Carville began, “The heavens will open, sunshine will spill forth, and all the ailments of New Orleans will disappear in the healing glow of the championship!  All of them!  Poverty?  Gone!  Corruption?  Gone!  All those damn fru-fru sounding French names?  Gone!  Overweight tourists will morph into Victoria’s Secret™ models before our eyes – and without the help of a few of Pat O’Brien’s™ Hurricanes!”

At this point Nagin, overcome with jubilation, rushed back to the podium, pounding Carville on the back.  “Why,” he shrieked at the crowd, “a win will even clear up ‘that thing’ on Drew Brees’ face!”

Neither man would promise that a championship could morph Reggie Bush into anything more than an over-hyped backup.  Apparently, even the magic of winning the Super Bowl has limits.

“It’s not just Who Dat Nation™ rooting for us,” Carville concluded, “It’s the entire nation!  And this church takes converts!  It doesn’t matter.  You might not get in the first pew, but you get in!  The qualification to be a citizen of ‘Who Dat Nation’ is, you’ve just gotta believe!  And speak in a French accent!  This is more than just a game.  It’s very, very important.”

Just what is that thing on his face, anyway?

Inspired by Carville’s words, “long-suffering” fans nationwide knelt down in prayer.  In places like Buffalo, Minnesota, Atlanta, and Cleveland, fans genuflected reverently in hopes that if this could happen in New Orleans, then it might someday happen in their city, too.   The lone exception was Detroit, where they know damn well that nothing, not even a sports championship, will ever fix that shithole.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was asked to comment from his offices in Baton Rouge.

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed,” he promised, “but those National Championships LSU won in ’03 and ’07 didn’t seem to help much.”

Haitian orphans have been victimized by proselytizing adoptive agencies.

The surge, which saw spot unit prices for March delivery of orphans spike $5, or 20%, came after traders received word that sightings of aggressive bulk orphan buyers Madonna and Angelina Jolie had been confirmed in Haiti.

Orphan futures had hit a five-year low last month as the Haiti quake dumped hundreds of thousands of low-priced orphans on the open market.

“This market has been devastated,” noted supply-side analyst Leaf von Shinglerod of Human Asset Management. “If Madonna and Jolie are prepared to call market bottom, and it seems they clearly are, that gives the institutional investors the courage to step in as well. I think we could be seeing the start of the sustained pricing recovery that everyone has been watching for.”

In the wake of the powerful quake, global orphan markets had plummeted 85%, even worse than the 77% fall suffered in the aftermath of the Asian tsunami in 2004.

Then, as is apparently the case now, a flurry of celebrity orphan purchases closely followed by a wave of buying by asset-management firms looking to time the bottom of the cycle ultimately marked the end of the bear market and the beginning of a sustained bull run. Orphan prices recovered 476% of their post-tsunami value before crashing after the Haiti quake.

“For the casual investors and those looking simply to add a fashionably swarthy accessory to their family, the truth is it’s probably too late to buy at below-market rates,” warned Shinglerod. “This is why it’s so risky for the individual investor and the end consumer to try to time the market. You get burned.”

After the earthquake, thousands of Americans rushed to snap up suddenly available orphans. Not only were the orphans selling at rock-bottom prices, the market was swimming with dark-skinned selections, considered de rigueur at the moment.

“Adopting a black orphan is a great way, in the minds of many white American suburban families, to simultaneously gain street cred, make a very loud statement about progressive platform favorites like zero population growth, equal opportunity and wealth distribution, and assuage feelings of white guilt,” noted Dr. Jean-Baptiste Colbert, a cultural studies professor on the faculty of Temple University. “In many – but by no means all – cases, it is on the level of buying indulgences in the medieval Catholic Church.”

Madonna and Jolie, whose actions, from profound decisions such as footwear preference all the way down to capricious minutia such as religious choice of the moment, are dutifully aped by the masses, have had a major impact on the market.

“First, they drove up demand for adopting orphans, especially exotic-looking ones that project a ‘differentness’ everywhere they are taken,” said Colbert. “Madonna and Jolie really deserve credit for elevating the foreign orphan from merely a proselytizing outlet to a fashion accessory.

“But ironically, when they move into a market, like we’re seeing in Haiti, they often cut off access to the orphan market to your typical end user.”

Shinglerod, the Wall Street analyst, agrees. “If you buy your orphan after seeing Angelina or Madonna doing the same thing, you’re probably buying way too late, if not in terms of fashion then at least in terms of price.”

That’s not deterring Brenda Waspington, of Upper Bluff, Iowa. Waspington lives on a 14,000-acre lot with her husband, who is a small business owner, and her 14 home-schooled children.

“I really, really want one of those Haitian guys,” said Waspington. “I know we should have acted right after the quake, but we wanted to make sure we waited so we could confirm we were getting a Catholic orphan – it would have been such a waste to miss an opportunity to save a child from the fires of hell.”

Waspington said that her broker had indeed secured a child from a Catholic orphanage, but conceded she was paying “seven, probably eight or even nine” times what the going rate had been two weeks ago.

“Yeah, it’s Angelina,” she conceded, “but she’s doing a great thing and so are we. So what if you can do a good thing and look good while you’re doing it? I call that a win-win.”

Meanwhile, analysts have a tip for what they say will be another hot futures market: fertility drugs.

“As people are priced out of the suddenly inaccessible orphan market, look for a return to traditional family planning. We recommend short-selling rubbers,” said Shinglerod.

W&E promptly dispatched its intern to Yellowstone for an on-site report.  After hitchhiking to the park, he reported that the quake “caused an epic disaster of biblical proportions.  If there were homes here, they would have been moderately shaken.”

When asked to elaborate (exclusively for W&E!), he informed us “there’s flooding… fires… the park is in havoc today.  Pure anarchy!  You should see the looting… the corpse defiling!  Real Old-Testament-wrath of God stuff.”

Countless woodland critters just became homeless.

Park Ranger Woody Johnson told our intern, “It’s a disaster.  Fully 1/8th of our elk herd got severely frightened.  It was so bad that a Grey Wolf missed as he tried to urinate on a tree.”

Through an interpreter, our intern arranged an exclusive sit-down interview with Fuzzy, a beaver who resides in the Yellowstone River.

“It destroyed my dam home!”  Fuzzy told us, “And I’m not the only one.  This quake broke up all the sticks and mud all up and down the river.  Every beaver in Yellowstone is now homeless and on the streets.  I guess I’ll just have to stay at the lodge for a while.  Guess I won’t be able to shave.”

Relief efforts are already underway.  Sadly, government corruption will likely hamper their efforts.  During a speech earlier today, President Obama promised to make several more speeches about how vitally important it is that Government “do something.”  Buoyed by his words, Congress held an emergency session where they raised taxes yet again, allocating a $417 quadrillion stimulus package for the park.  Once Federal, State, and Local politicians have all skimmed their share of the graft, Yellowstone expects to see real, on-site aid of 42¢, a roll of toilet paper, and a “New York Jets – 2010 Super Bowl XLIV Champs” baseball cap.

Several famous Hollywood actors have lined up interviews where they hope to raise awareness by lashing out at those who aren’t doing enough to help.  Sean Penn promised to be the first to visit the region and witness the devastation “with his own unbiased eyes.”  Likewise, the music industry has started to aid the park.  Multi-millionaire Sting has promised to perform a benefit concert to ease his conscience without having to actually dip into his wallet.

A homeless refugee elk struggles to keep warm despite the best intentions of the relief effort.

“I’ve called all my friends,” Sting said, “We’re tentatively calling it the ‘Wimp-Rock Schlockfest!’  Moby has been a big help organizing.  We’ve reached out to all the big stars… Celine Dion, Brian Adams, Jon Bon Jovi, that guy Oates from Hall and Oates, Coldplay, Rod Stewart, Ike Turner and of course Earth, Wind and Fire.  Sadly, U2 doesn’t think there’ll be enough media coverage to make it worth Bono’s time.”

Donations are expected to pour in from middle-aged housewives worldwide.

The Monster Energy Drink Second Stage™ will be headlined by veteran metal band Cattle Decapitation, with special guests Dethklok and several newer acts that nobody over the age of 14 gives a damn about.  The rumored acts are Julian Casablancas, Jet Black Stare, Daughtry, and Al’s Band, not that anyone cares.

Back in Yellowstone, the quake’s epicenter was located along the western edge of the park, not far from Old Faithful.  The national treasure, which erupts every 90 minutes, appeared unaffected by the initial tremor.  However, an aftershock registering 3.0 on the Richter Scale threatened to disrupt the geyser.  Tragedy was averted when a quick thinking Senior Citizens group poured all their Viagra™ into Old Faithful’s mouth, clearing the blockage.  He responded with an eruption of unprecedented power and stamina, and appears to be regularly erupting again.

In Tiger Woods' latest video game, these won't be the only trophies you can land.

Pornographic Arts (PA), which recently acquired the rights to the popular line of Tiger Woods computer and console games, announced new details about its plans for its relaunch of the series. The updated edition, tentatively titled “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11: In the Buff and the Rough” and slated for release in early 2010, will for the first time include features based on the golf savant’s off-course exploits, focusing especially on his sexual conquests.

“In the past, the games featured a lot of collateral material that boosted the user’s overall enjoyment of playing video golf without distracting from the game’s core mission, which is delivering a truly lifelike golf experience,” said Vandalised Rotundity, a spokesman for PA.

“Although the focus of the game will clearly remain golf, we wanted to take this opportunity to go beyond simple accessories like unlockable drivers, irons, shirts and other trinkets. We’re introducing an entirely new and immersive dimension to gameplay, one that encompasses the entire state of mind, body and spirit of the elite [male] golfer.”

For example, as users build up their avatar status with holes-in-one, tournament wins and – most important – cash earnings – a hierarchy of increasingly valuable concubines ranging from common street whores and golf-specialist groupies to mid-level suburban tarts and cocktail waitresses to high-maintenance club hipsters and independently wealthy cougars will become attainable trophies.

Just as in real life, access to tasty trollops will be governed by a player’s fame and cash level. “If you’re just starting out on the pro circuit, sure, you’ll get some tail, but it won’t be quality,” explains Rotundity. “I mean, it will still be a helluva lot better than what the typical married plumber can get, but it won’t be elite. That only comes with a lot of time and in-game character development. It gives the player something else to work for.”

Rotundity said the intimate off-course scenes will be displayed in graphic, “sometimes photo-realistic” detail by default, but can be toned down by the user. “At the end of the day, this is supposed to be a realistic, sophisticated simulation,” he explained. “Why show high-def, beautifully rendered holes on the course but not on the gals?”

“We want this game to bring to the average Joe the sights, the sounds and hopefully, someday the smells, of everything that goes into elite tournament golf and the whoremongering privileges that come with that status,” he added.

But also mirroring real life, the awards don’t come without risks. “There’s always a chance your character could catch a social disease that could drain your ability points,” says Rotundity. “And, if your character is married – something that provides certain stability bonuses – there’s a chance his wife might find out and make a scene, which could impact his earnings and might even prompt an expensive divorce settlement, and those are deducted from your career earnings and do affect that aspect of the leaderboard.”

But he is quick to add that, also true to the real world, even the adverse consequences of the most wonton womanizing are just bumps in the road to the elite athlete.

“In the end, the objective is to have fun. A player isn’t going to lose his sponsorship or anything crazy like that. I mean, why would we simulate responsibility when it doesn’t exist in real life?”

The ordeal began innocently enough when a a seemingly innocuous malfunction in the office soda machine caused it to erroneously display “Sold Out” when employees attempted to purchase Mountain Dew™.  The effects were immediate, even if the consequences were not-yet understood.  Productivity declined by 42% that afternoon, and by close of business, many employees appeared lethargic, bordering on catatonic.

When the vendor arrived to resupply the machine the next morning, he stocked it full, but failed to notice the malfunctioning display and did not correct it.  Thus, employee-addicts were denied their precious urine-colored stimulant.  By mid-day Tuesday, the semi-comatose employees emitted zombie-like drool as they stared blankly at their monitors pretending to work.

You never mention the word “addiction” in certain company.

According to Seth Morrison, the Accounting Manager, “we heard the first hints of the oncoming ugliness on Wednesday, but we never dreamed it could get this bad.  We even began hearing reports of disgruntled employees forming a Project Mayhem revival.”

Rather than brave the remote corners of the Cube Farm, Morrison chose to remain in the safety of Office Country.  “I probably should have gone out there and looked into it,” he explained, “but I was watching my stocks.”

In a desperate, anonymous plea that afternoon, one employee even taped a sign on the soda machine which read, “For the Love of God, Please Restock the Mountain Dew!  I’m Begging!”
Alas, the confused vendor still lacked the presence of mind to check for a malfunctioning display, even with the sign telling him of the problem.  That mistake would cost him his life;  the sole fatality in the melee.

A Clear Warning

Pepsico (NYSE: PEP), the maker of both Mountain Dew™ and Diet Pepsi™, declined responsibility for the situation.  They released a statement indicating that, “while we are flattered by the brand loyalty our customers show, we cannot condone violence in the workplace.  We mourn the loss of our vendor, whatever his or her name was, and extend our condolences to his or her family and/or loved ones.  We are also highly disappointed that not a single employee used ‘Extreme!’ as a battle cry.  Despite our marketing efforts, apparently people only do that in bad movies.”

The Intellivation employees displayed a remarkable knowledge of tactics.  Rather than a confused melee, the employees formed small gangs and fought with semi-organized paramilitary maneuvers (see sidebar).

"The Charge of the Diet Pepsi Brigade" vanquished the Coffee Drinker Unionists.

Security cameras revealed genuine glee on the faces of most violent perpetrators.  Had any of them had access to assault weapons (and what sort of weapon isn’t an assault weapon?); the melee could have easily taken a lethal turn.  Instead, most workers indicate they will return to business as usual on Monday.  One employee went so far as to say, “This was the greatest day ever!  They should do this more often!”

All in all, the riot caused fourteen injuries.  EMTs described most as “blunt force trauma.”  The various bludgeonings lead to multiple concussions, several facial lacerations, and one stapler used as an enema – sideways.  Additionally, the office suffered tens of thousands of dollars in damaged office equipment.  When asked about the repairs, Morrison indicated, “It’s less of a concern then you might think.  We’ll just use the money from the Christmas Bonus pool to pay the damages.  We’ll need place a Memorandum of Corrective Action in the rioters’ HR files too.

Shortly after the animal control officers arrived around 2:30 this morning, the apparent gravity of the situation became clear when a TEAT squad was deployed. TEAT, or Tactical Elimination of Animal Terrorists, is a designator appended to heavily armed and specially trained anti-animal assets.

The use of TEAT squads, which comprise the powerful paramilitary wing of the Southern Florida Animal Control Dept, is often controversial. Neighboring homeowners who witnessed the incident were quick to voice concern.

“They used too much force,” said Belladonna Mayflower, who leases a 74-acre estate located on the third hole of Wood’s residential golf course, “and for what?”

“You could see them creeping all over the place like evil ninjas, and they had those guns with the laser-sight thingies and lots of grappling hooks,” she added.

But Sergeant Dung Tenet, on-scene commander of the TEAT unit that was deployed, defended his squad’s actions. “Any animal, especially a cougar, that is cornered, is a threat. That threat level quintuples – maybe even doubles – when that animal is injured, which we believed to be the case this morning.”

Tenet added that ultimately, nothing was killed, other than “a few possums and a gator, and a hell of a lot of caladiums, but only because they were in our L.Z.”

“We may have taken out a few undocumented illegals, too, but that don’t count because they ain’t animals,” he added.

Eventually, Tenet was forced to surrender tactical command of the scene to civilian emergency-response officials when it became clear that the term “cougar” did not refer to an actual animal but to a middle-aged woman who was seeking medical attention on the premises.

“We almost had her captured,” said Tenet, who said his troops had driven the terrified cougar into a moat that surrounds a 16th century Austrian castle that the golf wunderkind had purchased, disassembled, shipped to the U.S. and reconstructed in his backyard. “But then we were ordered to stand down - it was really frustrating”

Although details are being closely held by officials involved, a law enforcement source confirmed that there were “misunderstandings on multiple levels. The call went out that a middle-aged woman was in distress at Tiger’s place, and several agencies dispatched on report of a wounded cougar there, so it was really difficult to determine which should be the responding agency.”

The study confirmed the well known belief that in cities and towns nationwide, hoards of women will brave the predawn crush to stand in line at their favorite retailer in hopes of securing the elusive “doorbuster special.”

A woman struggles with the Doorbuster Specials while her husband stays home and watches the game.

Penny Weiss, the director of the Center described the phenomenon as “Retailers have all this useless junk that we, I mean they, couldn’t sell all year, and suddenly people can’t get enough of it.  It’s awesome.”

W&E assigned our intrepid research department (i.e. the intern) to the local strip-mall to gauge the mood this year.

One woman, apparently shopping for herself, squealed with anticipation as she told a friend that “I heard they have these cute little single-toed shoes.  That way I only have to paint one toe!”

It remains unclear why, but the simple fact “they have cocoa butter!” seemed to validate another woman’s entire shopping experience.

It’s not just women, though.  Black Friday crosses traditional gender boundaries.  According to the study even men, it seems, love Black Friday.

“I pretend to hate it, but really I don’t,” said ‘Joe’ on condition of anonymity.  “It’s a whole day with all football and no nagging.  My wife gets excited about the savings but the truth is she doesn’t spend any less.  It just takes her ten times as long.”

The Olde Uptowne Centre Malle does not take kindly to shoplifters.

One young man, Cheech, indicated that he likes braving the stores.  “Bro – it’s totally awesome.  I’ll just like, take my skateboard down to the mall and like, watch, dude.  All these old people just totally lose it.  All the yelling.  People just completely embarrass themselves, bro.  Fights…..it’s awesome.  Compared to them, I don’t look like such a loser.  It’s like Cops!  Only real!”

(W&E Editorial Staff would like to disavow the rumors that Cheech is our intern.)

The only segment of the population which indicated a clear dislike for the day was our nation’s janitors.

Phil McRevis, a Custodial Engineer at The Olde Uptowne Centre Malle in Tulsa, Okla., indicated that Black Friday presents extreme challenges which he dreads for weeks prior.

Is this really necessary, people?

“Ugh, it’s brutal,” he explained.  “The worst.  All these trolls spend Thanksgiving shoving gut-busting amounts of turkey down their fat gullets and then waddle around my mall.  What do you think will happen?  They come in the next morning and just crush my restrooms.  I can only clean so fast, people!”

According to McRevis, even outside the lavatories, Black Friday represents “the most burdensome challenge all year to the malls air freshener and methane removal systems.”

He continued, stabbing the air with his plunger as he struggled to control his rage.  “You people fart like cows!”

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he continued to describe the unpleasant montage in painstaking detail, painting a post-apocalyptic visual of overworked commodes battle-strewn with ribbons of wasted toilet tissue combined with strained plumbing, unused soap dispensers, diapers, fresh graffiti, dingy puddles of questionable water and particles of mysterious origin sullying the mirrors.

“Someone actually cracked the porcelain last year,” he whimpered, “In the name of Jesus, how do you do that?”