ST. LOUIS – Future hall of famer and part-time player manager Albert Pujols today explained the bizarre hit-and-run play during Game Five of the World Series in which the runner (slow-footed Allen Craig) ran, but the hitter-manager (Albert Pujols) didn’t even swing).

“The guy was a distraction for me down there on first base,” Pujols told reporters at the team’s daily media briefing today. “I wanted him gone because I couldn’t concentrate on hitting the ball out the stadium with him pestering me out of the corner of my eye.

“If I were a left-handed hitter, man, he’s still be there, or I mean he would have still been there when I hit the game-tying home run, but I’m a right hander. Not going to apologize about that.”

When asked directly if he had called the hit and run with the intent to not swing so Craig would be eliminated from first base, Pujols replied, “Him looming down at first base … it was awful. It was worse than having a splinter in your eye that you can’t get out. Yes … or maybe he’d steal the base, but then I’d have to put it on again to get him out of my sight.”

Craig has stolen five bases in his career.

After receiving the hit-and-run order from Pujols, which, according to Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, was transmitted via “buttocks – Albert touches his buttocks in a particular order to put it on,” Craig dutifully lumbered into action on the base path when the pitcher began his windup, only to watch Pujols impassively watch the pitch sail by.  

Rangers catcher Mike Napoli threw him out by several feet after pausing to tweet “watch this” to his followers.

Pujols was then intentionally walked.

“Dang, they walked me, so I didn’t even get to take a swing after getting rid of Craig,” said Pujols. “I guess that’s why Tony gets the really big bucks – he can think more than one move ahead.”

La Russa refused to criticize Pujols hit-and-take play – sort of. “Albert’s special. He’s a special guy, special ballplayer. He’s in the circle – the inside circle. He’s going to the Hall of Fame. He’s earned it, ok? He’s earned it. I have confidence in him. He’s earned the right to test that confidence by calling a hit and run and then not hitting, so we have a new play now, the take-and-run.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t call it – I thought I might have accidentally called it when I picked my nose before that at bat, but I didn’t. It was all on Albert, who is a great player.”

'Tot Mom' mom herself a suspect?

“She seems to know an awful lot more about this case than even Casey [Anthony],” said Dick Surelock, a detective working on the case, who spoke on a condition of anonymity.

“It’s a high-profile case, and sometimes that means high-profile suspects.”

Chunk Mullets, a spokesman for the Casey Anthony defense team, lauded the announcement.

“It’s about time. It’s like we been saying all along: Casey’s innocent. Woo ha!”

FBI profiler and author of the best-selling true crime series “Everyone’s A Serial Killer Sometimes”, Hannibal Bundy isn’t surprised.

“Killers often like to share intimate knowledge of their crimes with the public. It gives them a sense of empowerment as well as a forum where they can bounce their ideas off others. They love feedback, particularly from the media. In Nancy’s case, we see someone who is already a part of the media and thus, even more empowered and awash in feedback.”

Suspicions were first raised when Grace began spending the majority of her show covering the popular Florida murder.  Grace garnered ‘person of interest’ status once her show became a seemingly non-stop source of information unknown to police.

“Ms. Grace’s obsession with Caylee, coupled by the constant praise of her own offspring, could be a sign of an outward projection of deep-seeded guilt,” said Bundy, who cautioned the analysis was purely speculative.

“I can’t know the true source of her pathology unless I have her on my couch.”

“So to speak,” he was quick to add.

Meanwhile, Grace is expected to meet with detectives in Orlando sometime next week.

Grace, best known for her breathlessly accusatory verbal screeds on overly-hyped legal cases, could not, surprisingly, be reached for comment.

However, a source close to the hawk-nosed harlot of hyperbole claims Grace is “delighted to be visiting Orlando.”

“She can’t wait to return to the scene, um, I mean, Sunshine State, where she vacations from time to time.”

Originally posted 2009-04-29 07:00:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The meticulously oiled, endearingly ape-faced man-pastry, Mesnick, first captured the hearts of American women when he signed up to get dumped on ABC’s “The Bachelorette.”  The fan favorite was a natural to rebound into the next season of The Bachelor, but shocked and disappointed America by dumping contracted bride-to-be Melissa in favor of season finale reject Molly during the taping of the much-anticipated “After the Final Rose.”

“Evidently, it took several ABC-sponsored whorefests for me to fully appreciate my own gayness.  I’m not one to deny my feelings, not at all, I’m a big fan of following one’s heart.  In fact, that’s why I dumped Melissa, because I’m really tuned in to what the heart wants, you know?  My heart wanted the amazing Molly first, then Melissa, who really is amazing.  Then my heart really wanted Molly again, mostly because she’s so amazing.  So, my heart was satisfied. The problem is, my penis wasn’t.  I just recently found out that my penis wants Chris Harrison. Chris is just amazing, I mean really amazing.  He’s always there when you need him, he has this way of just materializing when you’ve got a tough situation to deal with, like trying to select your lifemate from a sea of estrogen-fueled man-traps.  He’s so amazing.”

Mesnick offers Harrison the final "bro-rose"

Chris Harrison, the remarkably unmemorable host of hundreds of television shows, has refused to comment, but He Loves You, He Loves You Not, West Hollywood’s premiere gay-only floral delivery service, claims they have delivered 72 dozen long stemmed red roses to Harrisons Beverly Hills mini-mansion, all sent from Mesnick.

Mesnick is currently negotiating with ABC for the top spot in the first ever “The Gay Bachelor,” which should join ABC’s fall lineup.

Originally posted 2009-03-06 11:42:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The bovine surplus has been building amid crashing milk prices, reduced spending by consumers terrified by Great Depression 2.0 and shrinking demand for U.S. cheese, milk and butter abroad. Meanwhile, the cost of feeding cows has skyrocketed thanks to rising corn and alfalfa prices, which continue to be bolstered by the belated ethanol craze.

“In this economy, it just don’t make no sense to keep so many cows alive,” said Culotte Tarter, a foreman at one of the largest dairy factory farms in California. “But unfortunately, there ain’t no way to get milk from a dead cow. Believe me, we done tried.”

However, in a piece of good news for the beleaguered dairy industry, there is at least one thing that can be obtained from dead cattle: meat. That idea, says Label Impasse, R.D., M.Ed., a spokesperson with the National Dairy council, came to the organization “almost like an epiphany.”

Dr. Impasse says the council was reviewing the latest numbers: 1.5 million dairy cows rendered obsolete by the recession are now up for slaughter this year alone. “We just thought to ourselves that there had to be a way to reclaim some of this product. Even just a few basis points applied to 1.5 million units was going to make a difference,” she said.

I scream, you scream, cows scream for ice cream!

That’s when the idea of meat-enhanced ice cream hit them.

“We were staring down the barrel of the wholesale destruction of our infrastructure, at least for 2009,” recalled Impasse. “Suddenly, here was a way for us to reinvest waste product right back into our own value chain without losing market share.”

Impasse was quick to stress that meat-flavored ice cream will continue to fly the flag of the dairy brand. “Don’t think for a minute this is just another example of obsolete dairy cows being surrendered to another industry to make shoe leather, car seats or even taco meat. We’re talking about perfectly viable, prime-of-service-life dairy cows with years of production otherwise ahead of them.

“Yes, they’re being slaughtered, but they will remain a dairy product from factory farm to consumer gullet.”

“This is the biggest technological and public relations breakthrough the industry has achieved since it figured out how to turn a calf into a 1,000-pound animal in a few months and convinced Americana that milk was a natural and healthy food source,” noted industry observer Dick Marlin.  “I can’t wait for the updated ‘Got Milk’ posters.”

Flavors currently under production and lab animal testing include “Prion Pecan,” “Rocky Roast,” “Chocolate Lips,” “Salisbury Strawberry,” “Udder Pecan,” “Hoof Bar Crunch,” “Chocolate Lip Hoofy Dough,” and “Vanilla Offal.”

To improve efficiency, some dairy farms-turned-slaughterhouses will experiment with freezing cattle alive and mechanically separating and processing the resulting corpses directly into ice cream. “This would allow our factory workers to avoid the costly nuisance of carving up struggling animals,” notes Impasse.

Consumers should benefit from “extra iron, Vitamin A, protein and ‘other meat stuff’ when the meat-infused ice cream begins to hit store shelves, probably around July 4.

“We don’t think consumers should have to choose between a cool, refreshingly sweet dairy treat and a satisfying serving of upper-food-chain protein,” said Impasse. “Starting this summer, that terrible choice will be behind us.”

Shopping through our amazon links helps support our site.

Originally posted 2009-02-16 22:09:41. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Al-Queda second-in-command Ayman Al-Zawahiri condemned American support of the Israeli attacks – despite no such support from the White House – official or otherwise.  In a radio address,Al-Zawahiri said that Obama fulfilled, “…the words of Malcom X concerning House Negros…” and went on to further insult the new president by calling him a “dishonorable black.”

When asked why he directed his outrage at America, Al-Zawahiri became visibly irate.  “Hit the Zionists and Crusaders wherever and in whatever way you can!  Allahu Akbar!” Al-Zawahiri then excused himself from taking further questions, citing a doubles tennis match between him and Osama Bin Laden vs. his stockbroker and an up-and-coming Hollywood entertainment lawyer.

Representatives from the Israeli embassy were unavailable for comment, as they were all at a local synagogue partaking in a bagels and lox brunch function.

Here in America, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi refused to condemn the insults to the new President, saying that “America must be a light to the world, not just a missile.”  Exactly what that had to do with either the Israeli attacks on Gaza or the Arab protests remains unclear.  When asked to explain, she again attempted to go on the offensive by saying “protecting America from terrorism requires more than just resolve, it requires a plan. As we have seen in Iraq, planning is not the Bush Administration’s strong suit.”

Whether or not she is aware that Mr. Bush is no longer President also remains unclear at this time.

Obama - a light to the Muslim world, or just another off-white devil?

Reaction in America ranged from shocked to confused.  Moonmuffin Kliebold-Harris, a sociology major at the University of Vermont, seemed particularly puzzled.  In a recent National Public Radio person-on-the-street interview, she cried, “But we elected Obama!  That’s supposed to show we care about them.  My political science professor said that Obama said that if we were nice to them, that they’d stop hating us. Why do they still hate us?  Why, why, why?”

Jerry Sandusky, an unemployed autoworker from Flint, MI, had similar sentiments.  “Obama promised us change,” he said, “but those darned Arabs haven’t changed at all.”

On behalf of President Obama, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs insisted that the jihadists need “empathy.”  He cautioned that should their unchecked aggression continue, President Obama might be forced to shake his fist and speak in harsh tones.  If that fails, Gibbs warned, Obama might even have to resort to giving all of Islam a great big, collective hug.  In response, the jihadists ran over Obamas picture with a car.

Originally posted 2009-02-04 20:32:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

But the wives aren’t entering the fray over any concern for the proletariat downtrodden. Instead, they fear that arousing their husbands from their slumber of impotence could mark an end to a period of blissfully platonic inactivity that began in 2005 when an arbitrator agreed that MPS didn’t have to provide free Viagra to the union.

The MPS estimates the cost of providing the penis-stiffening drug at nearly $800,000 per year, or enough to employ about a dozen teachers at first-year rates. The MPS argues it can’t afford such frivolous expenditures during the difficult economic conditions that are threatening the district.

The MTEA doesn’t see things that way.

Teachable moment - forget the apple, tell the kids to bring us Viagra

“What’s more important, the gainful employment of a mere 12 of our brothers and sisters, or restoring all of our male members to the aggressive and vigorous sexual lifestyles they deserve,” asked MTEA spokesman Meat Haggard.

But Lucille Frigidpillow, the leader of the teachers wives group that has stepped forward to side with the MSD in opposing the restoration of free Viagra, painted a bleak portrait of married life should Viagra return to the scene.

“Back in 2005, we were granted what we call a sexual parole from our husbands, and we’ve been savoring every minute of it,” she said. “Now I’ve got ladies calling me in a panic, terrified about what this could mean.”

“If you saw what my husband looks like wearing nothing but his back hair and his hemorrhoids, believe me, you’d take this case seriously,” she added.

Dr Windy Brightgarten, an organic psychiatrist and doctorate in women’s literature said that the wives have a case. “There is ample clinical evidence to support the fears these ladies are expressing,” she said.

“The sudden addition of Viagra to a happily platonic marriage is often like giving a spoiled toddler a loaded revolver. Just because he doesn’t know how to use it doesn’t mean he can’t be very, very dangerous with it if it’s loaded,” she added.

An attorney for the wives group said consensus was still possible. “Both sides are in full agreement that petty, self-indulgent creature comforts should come well before the potential employment of a measly 12 teachers,” he said.

“The only question is whether it will be free boner bills or maybe just an annual cash bonus that is provided on the backs of the taxpayer and fellow union members. Either way, I’m confident the true spirit of solidarity will win the day, as it usually does when a good union puts its best minds to it.”

Originally posted 2010-08-08 20:55:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Normally, in the continental United States, there are about three accidents per month involving general aviation aircraft. In Alaska, there are even more – they average 10 per month up there,” said NTSB spokeswoman Harsher Abdomen.

In both cases, “No one really cares,” she noted. “These are small, private planes, usually with propeller engines. The traveling masses don’t use them and therefore, accidents involving them just don’t hold their attention.”

“When a GA plane goes down in Alaska – in remote, rugged terrain, often with limited visibility, not only do they care even less, they would almost expect it, assuming they were even made aware of it,” she added.

“If they don’t get worked up about a private jet crash at Teterboro (outside of New York City) they sure aren’t going to give a hoot when a prop plane goes down in flyover country or in an even less relevant place like Alaska,” she explained.

So when Monday’s crash of the DeHavilland DHC-3 Otter spawned hysterical, nationwide news coverage and drew hordes of attention-seeking aviation pundits out of the woodwork in the manner one would expect only after a major airline crash, the NTSB made it a point of its investigation to understand why.

After just three days of analysis, the agency thinks it already knows: the presence of former U.S. Senator Ted Stevens. Stevens, one of the most successful pork-barrel politicians in U.S. history, served in the U.S. senate for more than four decades.

With members of Congress installed, the NTSB thinks even crashes of antiquated single-engine aircraft in dismal Alaskan flying conditions could continue to land needed media attention.

“We usually hate to rush to judgment, but after a careful and impartial analysis of the data we’ve recovered from this accident, we’re confident in our early conclusion that the presence of Ted Stevens – and only the presence of Ted Stevens – is what garnered this GA accident the attention it has captured in the national media,” said Abdomen in a statement released by the NTSB.

Seeking to move swiftly on its findings, the NTSB has recommended to the FAA that a member of Congress be required on every G.A. flight within the United States.

“The loss of every aircraft is a tragedy,” read the NTSB statement. “Therefore, each is deserving of full media and regulatory scrutiny.”

Considering the vast number of GA flights per day, the NTSB says that the proposed regulations could be satisfied by using former senators, as Stevens was, as well as “active and former U.S. Representatives, whose lives are also routinely perceived to be of more value than the average citizen’s and therefore more deserving of a full-bore accident investigation when involved in a crash. This recommendation will save lives by diverting rightful attention to every crash, because every crash will have a current or active member of U.S. Congress on board.”

The NTSB noted in an aside that an additional benefit of the proposal would be to “organically induce a de facto term limit among at least a portion of Congress, determined on an impartial and indeed random basis. There are several GA crashes per month. Although not all produce fatalities, the Congressional herd will nonetheless be thinned.”

The NTSB has asked the FAA to respond within 30 days to its recommendation, but it cannot compel the FAA to take action. In the past, the FAA has complained that the NTSB has made suggestions that are not feasible or even possible.

Although the FAA declined to say whether it would ultimately implement the proposal, it did issue a statement agreeing to test the policy using disgraced windbag and current U.S. Congressman Charles Rangel.

Originally posted 2010-08-13 09:58:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Founded in 1811, Possum Holler has never been part of the electricity grid, a fact not lost on locals who were dumbstruck when utility crews came through the area last Friday to erect poles and wire.

“I had no idea what they were doin’” said Lemma McLane, 28, a lifelong resident of neighboring Skunk Crossing. “I mean, I seen trucks before when my uncle took me on a date to the tractor pull in Paducah a few years back, but I never imagined they’d come here,” said Mc Lane.

Apparently, she isn’t alone in her amazement.

Moonshine, an economic staple of the area, is not dependent upon electricity.

Mayor Jeb Damron was in total awe as trucks came into the small town to install electric lines. “We had no idea what they was planning’ on puttin’ in,” said Damron.  “We weren’t gonna argue with ‘em,’ he said, “but we wish they’d have called us before comin’ to town.”

Late Wednesday, Possum Holler was still scrambling to figure out how to deal with the new-fangled invention. Once locals spotted utility trucks moving into the area, a city council meeting was convened to make plans on dealing with the addition of electricity to the impoverished hamlet.

“Hopefully, we’ll figure out a way to connect to the grid” said Mayor Damron in a media interview. “If not, I guess we’ll make do without it, just like we’ve always done.”

Originally posted 2009-02-17 20:06:01. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Ferguson identified the celebrity in question as “That Guy – you know – he was in that movie with That Blond Chick and That Fat Guy – the one where all the stuff blows up.”  Ferguson observed “That Guy” walking through Terminal 3, presumably en route to a gate where he might then board an airplane.  Additionally, Ferguson fantasized about That Guy traveling to an exotic destination and doing a multitude of fabulous and interesting things, the likes of which mere commoners can only daydream.  The idea that someone of That Guy’s stature might fly coach on a puddle jumper back to Shreveport, La. to visit his maternal aunt in an obligatory, banal weekend never occurred to Ferguson.

Who is That Guy? Is it Clint Eastwood? Maybe Fred Dryer? Maybe Kelsey Grammar? If you watched That Movie Where Stuff Blows Up, you'd know.

The Chicago Investigative Bureau assigned Examiner Nick Sherlock to the case.  Sherlock promptly uncovered several inconsistencies in the reported sighting.

“First of all, we have no physical evidence here,” he began, “no footprint, no Fritos™ bag, no DNA samples, hair follicles, nothing.  Not even a latent fingerprint from a casually discarded latte cup.  Ferguson didn’t even get a cheap, low-grade cell phone picture.”

In response, Ferguson indicated, “I really did see him.  I couldn’t believe it!  It was so exciting!  But I didn’t want to, you know, stalk the guy or anything.”

Sherlock additionally questioned numerous inconsistencies in the story.  Chiefly, he challenged the idea that despite the crowded airport, not a single other soul has collaborated the sighting of “That Guy.” Also, vital details remained incomplete; Ferguson could not identify the brand of shirt, cologne, hairstyle, or other earth-shattering information that everyone absolutely must know.  Disappointingly, he described the shoes as “nice… brown loafers.”  Not only that, he didn’t even follow That Guy to his gate so that he could blab That Guy’s destination to all the other voyeurs.

Sherlock then consulted noted Psychologist Clancy Bertram, of the Chicago Psychology Institute.  Bertram indicated that celebrity observation is a common phenomenon amongst the bored and the generally pathetic.  “Many people lack fulfillment in their own lives,” he began, “so they use celebrities as a fantasy world into which they escape.  These people are generally just too lazy to get a life for themselves.  Instead, they immerse themselves in the likes of ‘People’ magazine and obsess over its contents.  Even a simple idea like getting a hobby is too much effort when they can be spoon-fed a different disposable flavor each issue.”

Bertram continued, “We must consider the distinct possibility that the patient imagined the entire sighting.  Perhaps he just saw someone who looked like a celebrity?  Perhaps he has some deep-seated issue with his mother?  Irrational behavior like this could harbor a manifestation of deeply rooted psychological trauma.”

However, Bertram does not believe this to be the case.  “Most likely,” he concluded, “this imagined connection with someone famous could be an attempt to somehow indirectly raise him up from the muck of humanity and elevate himself above his peers in their eyes.  Next thing you know, he’ll be seeing Elvis.   Or perhaps Bigfoot?  If only he would just read a book or maybe even try bowling instead – but then I wouldn’t be able to charge these exorbitant fees.”

Ferguson’s excitement would not diminish.  “I can’t wait to tell all my coworkers all about how I saw That Guy,” he exclaimed.  “Last year, Bob from Finance said he saw That Talk Show Host having an ice cream at a café on Wacker Drive, but this is even better.  This is at an airport!”

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed suburb outside Chicago, Ferguson‘s friend Maury Slocumb took off his “That Guy” Halloween costume and laughed about wearing it through O’Hare airport.

Originally posted 2009-11-19 18:52:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Fecal Harpy, a spokeswoman for former Vice President Dick Cheney, said Obama’s decision to release the memos had forced Cheney and other members of the Bush administration to counter with their own disclosures of sensitive information. Cheney was a tireless advocate of waterboarding in the aftermath of 9-11.

“We hate to do this, because we respect HIPAA, but we feel we have no choice. What we can confirm today is that yes, Khalid was waterboarded 183 times but no, this was not simply the vicious indulgence of the understandable urge to torture the man responsible for 9-11. Khalid had a horrible case of head lice when he entered our custody – the worst we’d ever seen – and he had awful dandruff, too. He urgently needed treatment.”

HIPAA is the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, which protects the privacy of patient information.

"Many tens of billions" of head lice made a home in the terrorist's hair, according to the CIA

“When anyone becomes a prisoner of the United States – domestic or otherwise – his or her health care becomes the responsibility of our government,” Harpy continued. “In Khalid’s case, his head lice was so bad, we were concerned about blood loss. He had lots of hair, which gives the lice countless places to hide, but it was still our obligation to do our best to ease his suffering.”

Vance Icehorse, a former CIA officer, confirmed Harpy’s account. “We mixed in several medicinal shampoos with the water that we applied during his waterboardings,” he said. “In exchange for his free head lice and dandruff treatment, he seemed suddenly willing to offer up strategic information about the Al Qaeda network.”

Icehorse said that even after 150 treatments, Mohammed was still plagued by head lice, although the dandruff had subsided. “Much like the Al Qaeda hosts they snack on, this strain of head lice become deeply entrenched and difficult to root out, but we were determined to continue the treatment until he was fully cured,” he said.

“As it turns out, it took 183 sessions, but Khalid now has the cleanest hair of anyone in the custody of the U.S. Justice System, and that’s not something he could say when we initially acquired him.”

Waterboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which water is poured over a subject’s plastic- or cloth-wrapped face to simulate drowning. It has been used to wrest information – real and imagined – from prisoners since at least the time of the Inquisition.

When asked why the CIA didn’t simply shave Mohammed’s head to treat the virulent head lice, Icehorse said, “We did make that option available to him, but the lice were so bad we would have had to scalp him, so he chose to go the waterboarding route. Who would have thought it would have taken so many applications?”

Originally posted 2009-04-20 18:40:27. Republished by Blog Post Promoter