LEXINGTON, Ky. – Official reports from a state conservation officer say a female deer trampled a dog to death after the canine barked at it, possibly in an effort to protect its newborn fawn.  That official story, however, appears to serve as a Government-sponsored smokescreen to mask the truth.

According to the disputed official reports, the dog’s owner claims that the fawn sneaked into his backyard and rushed the barking dog, named Bobby-Lee.  William Hill, the owner, hollered and reached for his shotgun to fend off the attacking deer.  The weapon failed to discharge, apparently due to Hill’s “forgetting to release the safety in all that excitement,” and the deer proceeded to trample the dog, killing it.

Bobby-Lee, shortly after the attack.

At that point Hill called the police, who referred the matter to the Kentucky Department of Natural Resources, Fishin’, Huntin’ & Killin’ (KDNRFHK).  KDNRFHK Conservation Officer G. Thaxton Showalter says the attack “was an isolated incident.  This sorta thing is rare.  It ain’t likely gonna happen again.”  He further restated the claim that the doe probably showed hostility to protect its newborn fawn.

However, further investigation revealed holes in the story.  Deer tend to give birth in April and May.  By June, a fawn would no longer be newborn and would likely not require that level of protection from its mother.  Also, an anonymous tip revealed that the safety could not have been released as the shotgun, a Springfield M6 Scout, does not have a safety in the first place.

So what caused the deer to attack?  Why is the Kentucky Government covering it up?  Since when does a Kentuckian not know how to fire a shotgun?

In truth, as it turns out, Bobby-Lee could talk.  Such a shocking development seems unbelievable at first, yet now it can be revealed that the dog either escaped or possibly was stolen from a top secret Government installation at Fort Campbell, where a nameless, ultra-secret government agency breeds literate dogs for espionage purposes.

Since when does a Kentuckian not no how to fire a shotgun?

It all went wrong in this case because Bobby-Lee learned his vocabulary in the Hill double-wide instead of at Fort Campbell.  The Hills are a much lower-class breed then Bobby-Lee.  Ignorantly, they raised the pup on a steady diet of COPS, Jackass, The View and Entertainment Tonight, stunting its poor mind and reinforcing substandard behavior patterns.  Allegedly, Bobby-Lee even lapped Schlitz™ Beer from his water bowl and could be found gazing at the cover of People™ magazine, as if he could read.  Despite such obstacles, Bobby-Lee still learned to speak, but grew up into a full-grown (but hardly mature) Gossip Hound.  Other dogs in the program could both speak and read, but neither of the Hill’s possessed the literacy to teach Bobby-Lee any reading skills.  Typical for the sort of failures who watch such trash TV, Bobby-Lee had nothing of value to say, and never learned how to just shut the hell up already.

Perhaps William Hill and his old lady didn’t know any better than to constantly have that crap on TV all the time?  The doe, however, certainly knew better.  With the help of an expert tracker, this reporter traced the deer’s path deep into the Daniel Boone National Forest, where the deer once crossed paths with Chuck Norris.  Apparently inspired by the brief encounter, she became born-again hard-core.  Given the circumstances, it’s easy to understand why she wouldn’t tolerate any such crap from Bobby-Lee and instead opted, through sheer savage badassery, to establish a permanent solution to the problem.

Poor Bobby-Lee never stood a chance against the Norris protégé.  The dog proved all bark, no bite.

The Deer was profoundly influenced by Chuck Norris - and his dentist.

When asked to comment, the deer chose not to speak.  Likely, it not only can’t speak, but learned from Chuck Norris that actions speak louder than words.  Instead of commenting, she planted a well-placed hoof in the backside of the reporter for being so stupid as to ask a deer to talk in the first place.

Representatives for Fort Campbell, the United States Army, the Kentucky State Police, and the KDNRFHK declined all knowledge of talking animals.

Originally posted 2009-06-19 13:23:15. Republished by Blog Post Promoter