Black Friday, the largest shopping day of the year, draws annual squeals of excitement from women nationwide.  However, a recent study commissioned by the Center for Retail Advertisement and Propagation shows that men also look forward to the day, but for very different reasons.

The study confirmed the well known belief that in cities and towns nationwide, hoards of women will brave the predawn crush to stand in line at their favorite retailer in hopes of securing the elusive “doorbuster special.”

A woman struggles with the Doorbuster Specials while her husband stays home and watches the game.

Penny Weiss, the director of the Center described the phenomenon as “Retailers have all this useless junk that we, I mean they, couldn’t sell all year, and suddenly people can’t get enough of it.  It’s awesome.”

W&E assigned our intrepid research department (i.e. the intern) to the local strip-mall to gauge the mood this year.

One woman, apparently shopping for herself, squealed with anticipation as she told a friend that “I heard they have these cute little single-toed shoes.  That way I only have to paint one toe!”

It remains unclear why, but the simple fact “they have cocoa butter!” seemed to validate another woman’s entire shopping experience.

It’s not just women, though.  Black Friday crosses traditional gender boundaries.  According to the study even men, it seems, love Black Friday.

“I pretend to hate it, but really I don’t,” said ‘Joe’ on condition of anonymity.  “It’s a whole day with all football and no nagging.  My wife gets excited about the savings but the truth is she doesn’t spend any less.  It just takes her ten times as long.”

The Olde Uptowne Centre Malle does not take kindly to shoplifters.

One young man, Cheech, indicated that he likes braving the stores.  “Bro – it’s totally awesome.  I’ll just like, take my skateboard down to the mall and like, watch, dude.  All these old people just totally lose it.  All the yelling.  People just completely embarrass themselves, bro.  Fights…..it’s awesome.  Compared to them, I don’t look like such a loser.  It’s like Cops!  Only real!”

(W&E Editorial Staff would like to disavow the rumors that Cheech is our intern.)

The only segment of the population which indicated a clear dislike for the day was our nation’s janitors.

Phil McRevis, a Custodial Engineer at The Olde Uptowne Centre Malle in Tulsa, Okla., indicated that Black Friday presents extreme challenges which he dreads for weeks prior.

Is this really necessary, people?

“Ugh, it’s brutal,” he explained.  “The worst.  All these trolls spend Thanksgiving shoving gut-busting amounts of turkey down their fat gullets and then waddle around my mall.  What do you think will happen?  They come in the next morning and just crush my restrooms.  I can only clean so fast, people!”

According to McRevis, even outside the lavatories, Black Friday represents “the most burdensome challenge all year to the malls air freshener and methane removal systems.”

He continued, stabbing the air with his plunger as he struggled to control his rage.  “You people fart like cows!”

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he continued to describe the unpleasant montage in painstaking detail, painting a post-apocalyptic visual of overworked commodes battle-strewn with ribbons of wasted toilet tissue combined with strained plumbing, unused soap dispensers, diapers, fresh graffiti, dingy puddles of questionable water and particles of mysterious origin sullying the mirrors.

“Someone actually cracked the porcelain last year,” he whimpered, “In the name of Jesus, how do you do that?”

Originally posted 2009-11-24 16:26:45. Republished by Blog Post Promoter