YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. – An earthquake struck Yellowstone National Park today, rendering uncounted numbers of animals homeless.  Seven people told investigators that they felt the quake, which measured 3.3 on the Richter Scale.  Preliminary reports estimate that it caused a staggering $11 in damages.

W&E promptly dispatched its intern to Yellowstone for an on-site report.  After hitchhiking to the park, he reported that the quake “caused an epic disaster of biblical proportions.  If there were homes here, they would have been moderately shaken.”

When asked to elaborate (exclusively for W&E!), he informed us “there’s flooding… fires… the park is in havoc today.  Pure anarchy!  You should see the looting… the corpse defiling!  Real Old-Testament-wrath of God stuff.”

Countless woodland critters just became homeless.

Park Ranger Woody Johnson told our intern, “It’s a disaster.  Fully 1/8th of our elk herd got severely frightened.  It was so bad that a Grey Wolf missed as he tried to urinate on a tree.”

Through an interpreter, our intern arranged an exclusive sit-down interview with Fuzzy, a beaver who resides in the Yellowstone River.

“It destroyed my dam home!”  Fuzzy told us, “And I’m not the only one.  This quake broke up all the sticks and mud all up and down the river.  Every beaver in Yellowstone is now homeless and on the streets.  I guess I’ll just have to stay at the lodge for a while.  Guess I won’t be able to shave.”

Relief efforts are already underway.  Sadly, government corruption will likely hamper their efforts.  During a speech earlier today, President Obama promised to make several more speeches about how vitally important it is that Government “do something.”  Buoyed by his words, Congress held an emergency session where they raised taxes yet again, allocating a $417 quadrillion stimulus package for the park.  Once Federal, State, and Local politicians have all skimmed their share of the graft, Yellowstone expects to see real, on-site aid of 42¢, a roll of toilet paper, and a “New York Jets – 2010 Super Bowl XLIV Champs” baseball cap.

Several famous Hollywood actors have lined up interviews where they hope to raise awareness by lashing out at those who aren’t doing enough to help.  Sean Penn promised to be the first to visit the region and witness the devastation “with his own unbiased eyes.”  Likewise, the music industry has started to aid the park.  Multi-millionaire Sting has promised to perform a benefit concert to ease his conscience without having to actually dip into his wallet.

A homeless refugee elk struggles to keep warm despite the best intentions of the relief effort.

“I’ve called all my friends,” Sting said, “We’re tentatively calling it the ‘Wimp-Rock Schlockfest!’  Moby has been a big help organizing.  We’ve reached out to all the big stars… Celine Dion, Brian Adams, Jon Bon Jovi, that guy Oates from Hall and Oates, Coldplay, Rod Stewart, Ike Turner and of course Earth, Wind and Fire.  Sadly, U2 doesn’t think there’ll be enough media coverage to make it worth Bono’s time.”

Donations are expected to pour in from middle-aged housewives worldwide.

The Monster Energy Drink Second Stage™ will be headlined by veteran metal band Cattle Decapitation, with special guests Dethklok and several newer acts that nobody over the age of 14 gives a damn about.  The rumored acts are Julian Casablancas, Jet Black Stare, Daughtry, and Al’s Band, not that anyone cares.

Back in Yellowstone, the quake’s epicenter was located along the western edge of the park, not far from Old Faithful.  The national treasure, which erupts every 90 minutes, appeared unaffected by the initial tremor.  However, an aftershock registering 3.0 on the Richter Scale threatened to disrupt the geyser.  Tragedy was averted when a quick thinking Senior Citizens group poured all their Viagra™ into Old Faithful’s mouth, clearing the blockage.  He responded with an eruption of unprecedented power and stamina, and appears to be regularly erupting again.

Originally posted 2010-01-28 13:59:58. Republished by Blog Post Promoter