(NEW YORK) Suffering from a week’s worth of severe comedic writer’s block and untreated myopia, writers at The Onion discovered a 15 year-old picture of the Indianapolis skyline in Google cache and ridiculed it for not being New York’s.
When asked for his reaction, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels responded: “Skyline schmiline . . . at least the city’s most prominent suburb isn’t New Jersey, and our state flower isn’t a smokestack.” For his part, Governor Patterson of New York, chose to keep his trap shut for a change, except to ask your reporter if he knew any good defense attorneys.
In other media, the controversy has made it to the late night circuit as Late Show host, David Letterman – a native Hoosier but current New Yorker – joined the bandwagon with an attempt to smear his home state on his nightly Top Ten List, but instead managed only to offend, in no particular order: the disabled, women, minorities, Sarah Palin, midgets, Episcopal ministers, firefighters, the children’s terminal ward at Cedar Sinai, and Capt. “Sully” Sullenberger, the famed US Airways hero-pilot.
Finally, in related news, New York icon Spike Lee has been admitted to a public hospital for observation after seeing the Onion article and its attached Indy skyline image that included Market Square Arena, which was demolished in 2001. Lee reported chest pains, massive headaches, and was reportedly heard screaming “REGGIE! REGGIE! REGGIE!” as paramedics brought him into the emergency room. Public Hospital officials declined to report on Lee’s condition, instead directing press inquiries to a public website that has since been shut down by the ISP due to New York State’s multi-billion dollar budget deficits.
[FLASH UPDATE:]
An anonymous source on The Onion’s staff has provided Wine and Excrement certain inter-office emails detailing events transpiring before and after the article was posted. The editorial staff was evidently miffed by the attention Indianapolis was receiving for the NCAA Final Four Tournament despite New York being so much, well, bigger. That’s when one of The Onion’s writers commented to a senior editor that “Indianapolis also has much smaller buildings than New York, ya know.” And thus, an article was born.
According to the emails, after celebrating the article with $12 domestic beers, the material-challenged writers rode the subway home while sitting next to a man who last bathed when the Jets won a conference Championship game (he was later identified as native New Yorker, Rosie O’Donnell). Copy editor, Eugene Goldblatt, spent the remainder of his evening banging loudly on the ceiling of his $2500 per month, 500 square-foot apartment in the hope that new neighbor Vinnie from Queens would beat his woman more quietly. Vinnie allegedly responded by pissing in the hallway outside of Mr. Goldblatt’s front door. However Mr. Goldblatt declined to call the authorities because there was no way to prove which urine stain belonged to Vinnie.
The evening was even less peaceful for Onion intern, Robert Pastey, of Astoria, who was rushed to the hospital with a gunshot wound to his left leg. Mr. Pastey was injured when he inadvertently walked into an armed conflict among gang members that police describe as a “table salt deal gone bad.” No arrests have been made, although police did recover two and a half pounds of table salt, estimated to be worth $25,000 on Manhattan streets, as well as 10 bags of strangely unappetizing McDonald’s fries. This was the largest recovery of illicit sodium chloride since the so-called “Morton’s Mafioso” bust last November, and nearly matched the record haul for seized foodstuff that was set when the Port Authority intercepted a trans fat-ridden shipment of KFC en route from Hoboken in January.
Originally posted 2010-04-05 21:48:49. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
