MINNEAPOLIS –Tattoo aficionado and former NBA rebounding phenom Dennis “The Worm” Rodman, speaking to an unknown gossip columnist with the Minneapolis Star Tribune, unveiled a startling claim yesterday, boasting that his sexual conquests total 2,000 victims women, or nearly one tryst for every six regular-season rebounds logged during his storied career.

Even more surprising was Rodman’s harsh criticism for the parents who had reared the lusty tarts.
The columnist, who relies on the nom de plume “C.J.,” bashfully wrote, “I can’t even clean up the questions he wanted me to ask their parents.”

Reached for comment today, Rodman clarified his position. “I mean, it was too easy,” he explained, noting that “at least” 1,500 of the women were willing, or at least conscious, during his sexual ministrations.

The other 500? “They were gold diggers,” he said. “Hard to believe, but they weren’t interested in my STD-riddled physique or even my sexy tattoos, just  in my paper.”

Still, Rodman allowed, “1,500 willing ho’s is a lot. I mean, it ain’t Wilt, but it’s a lot.”

Rodman was referring to Wilt “The Stilt”Chamberlain, another basketball legend and owner of every major NBA single-season and career copulation record. He retired (i.e. died) having rutted with 20,000 women.

Rodman urged parents everywhere to consider the ramifications of the fact that several thousand apparently sane women were willing to “do me on a whim.”

Rodman displays this teachable moment's textook.

“Look at me. If I was behind them at the mall, they’d call security,” he said. “But backstage at an NBA arena or team hotel, I couldn’t beat them off.

“They for sure could beat me off, though,” he quickly added.

“But the point is, where do all these ho’s come from? That’s why I did this, that’s why I got with all those girls, to teach them what their parents should have: they’re acting like buyers when they should be the sellers.”

“The lesson hurt me more than it hurt them,” he added.

Camilla Pug Fantasicle, Chairperson of non-applied Women’s Liberation Studies at the University of King of Prussia in Pennsylvania, condemned Rodman’s analysis.

“This is like a miner who has enriched himself all his life with coal turning around and cursing the fertile hills that yielded it,” she said angrily, gesturing at the Pennsylvania hills visible through the eye-level window of the men’s room where she makes her academic office.

“It is absolutely healthy and normal for a young woman to pursue sexual partners among star athletes. It’s time we desensitize and de-stigmatize forever terms like slut, ho, whore, indiscretion, humiliation, accountability, self esteem and STDs.

“Without the absent fathers, without the domestic violence, without the broken homes and multiple divorces, without the heavy drinking, our society would struggle to fill key positions in the adult entertainment and groupy industries, traditionally among the highest-paying sectors for female workers.

“I worry that parents out there will take Rodman’s lessons to heart and deny their little girls these future opportunities at self advancement.”