WASHINGTON – Drug Enforcement Agency spokeswoman Special Agent Carrie Vighters held an brief press conference early this morning to address an influx of tips and complaints that have been overwhelming DEA personnel.

“We take tips seriously and investigate every rational lead, but our resources are being heavily taxed right now, thanks in large part to an recent barrage of emails and phone calls.”

DEA overburdened

The DEA says it is always appreciative of citizen participation in law enforcement efforts. “Many times, a tip leads to a worthwhile investigation, arrest, and an eventual sentence. We have, for the most part, confidence in the eyes and ears of America. In this particular case, though, our agents are becoming distracted, even hindered, by calls relating to a fictitious person.”

Vighters says she’s baffled by what she calls a “confusing campaign of stupidity”. The DEA is being repeatedly asked to investigate complaints involving a non-person. “It makes no sense why they’re asking for DEA participation. The DEA investigates drug-related activities, not pieces of fiction written about drug trafficking.”

Vighters stressed that intervening on behalf of people who don’t exist is beyond the jurisdiction of most law enforcement agencies. “We don’t really deal with imaginary friends, trolls, sprites, demons, leprechauns, goblins, brownies, or peri-menopausal fruitbats.”