Everyone Loves Black Friday

“Bro – it’s totally awesome. I’ll just like, take my skateboard down to the mall and like, watch, dude. All these old people just totally lose it. All the yelling. People just completely embarrass themselves, bro. Fights…..it’s awesome. Compared to them, I don’t look like such a loser. It’s like Cops! Only real!”

Pittsburgh-area women’s shelters thank Oakland Raiders for mitigating local domestic violence

PITTSBURGH – A coalition of Pittsburgh Women’s Shelters dedicated to combating domestic violence issued a joint press release today thanking the Oakland Raiders for sparing “untold numbers” of Pittsburgh-area women from more serious injuries Sunday evening. Earlier in the day, the Pittsburgh Steelers suffered an embarrassing, overtime loss to the struggling Kansas City Chiefs. The [...]

Ordinary Person Spots Celebrity

“I really did see him. I couldn’t believe it! It was so exciting! But I didn’t want to, you know, stalk the guy or anything.”

Johnny Depp vanishes off coast of Kenya in pirating mishap

NAIROBI, Kenya – Silver screen heart throb Johnny Depp is missing and feared dead off the cost of Kenya today in the aftermath of a gun battle between the U.S.-flagged Maersk Alabama and Somali Pirates. The 46-year-old Depp, who this week was awarded People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” accolade for the second time, was aboard [...]

Steven Tyler quits Aerosmith – middle aged housewives horrified

…Modern Rock Radio largely dismissed the announcement as irrelevant, and is not expected to bore their listeners by reporting this announcement as news.

A Square with Jokes – November 9, 2009

Nation’s children too lazy to trick or treat

“…our children are simply too goddam lazy to walk around the goddam neighborhood anymore.”