Archive for ‘January, 2009’

Super Bowl ads to be available on pay-per-view basis only

Super Bowl ads to be available on pay-per-view basis only

TAMPA, Fla. – For the past 20 years or so, the Super Bowl has been known for a mystifying phenomenon: the giddy embrace of TV ads by consumers. Instead of using a TiVo-like device to skip past commercials during the big game, consumers are known for actually rewinding them for repeated enjoyment.
Now, NBC and the [...]

NASCAR ousts drivers, cites safety and economic concerns

NASCAR ousts drivers, cites safety and economic concerns

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. – On the eve of the sport’s upcoming season debut, the Daytona 500, NASCAR has suddenly decided to eliminate drivers from races permanently, citing both safety and economic concerns.
“These guys have families, some more than one,” said Dirt Wilting, Jr., a NASCAR spokesman. “We can’t have a bunch of wives and sons [...]

God wishes Kurt Warner would just shut up already

God wishes Kurt Warner would just shut up already

PHILADELPHIA – Kurt Warner believes The Lord has answered many of his prayers over the years. He’s asking again. When asked yesterday on the Dan Patrick Show, Kurt said, “[I] just need to put my faith in The Lord, prepare as thoroughly as I can, do my best, and trust in my teammates and trust [...]

Salmonella outbreak wreaks havoc on fetish convention

Salmonella outbreak wreaks havoc on fetish convention

PEORIA Ill – The SexxyFood Incorporated annual 3 day food fetish convention, now in its ninth year, hosted its most memorable convention to date this past weekend, but not memorable for the reasons co-creators Ellis Byron and Harley Karolina-Szabados had hoped. A rampant outbreak of salmonella, attributable to the use of tainted peanut butter [...]

Al Qaeda announces layoffs as recession spreads

Al Qaeda announces layoffs as recession spreads

WAZIRISTAN – In yet another troubling sign that no sector of the economy is safe in the deepening recession, terrorism bellwether Al Qaeda has announced a massive round of layoffs. The Waziristan-based terror conglomerate, which had already imposed a wage freeze and a new-hire moratorium on all management positions, says it will lay off 5,000 [...]

Labrador Retriever still America’s top disposable dog

Labrador Retriever still America’s top disposable dog

NEW YORK – For an unprecedented 18th straight year, the venerable Labrador Retriever has captured the top spot on the list of most disposable pure-bred dog in America. The American Kennel Club released the findings on Thursday, reporting that more than 100,000 pure-bred models were manufactured in fiscal year 2008.
Painless Rote, a spokeswoman with the [...]

Atheists demand an end to all silence in public schools

Atheists demand an end to all silence in public schools

CHICAGO – Now that a federal judge has voided a state law that mandated a moment of silence in Illinois schools, the group who lobbied against the law is seeking further action with a proposed law of its own.
Marsh Boner, a born-again atheist and Chicagoland shock jock, led the charge against the proposed law and [...]

Obama got second oath, Aretha wants seconds too

Obama got second oath, Aretha wants seconds too

DETROIT – Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul and self-proclaimed best singer in the history of the human voice, is unhappy about the way her rendition of “My Country ‘Tis of Thee” has been perceived by fans around the world. Criticisms of Franklin’s inaugural performance continue to surface on many Internet forums, with some accusing [...]

Riots erupt across U.S. as frustration mounts with pace of Obama changes

Riots erupt across U.S. as frustration mounts with pace of Obama changes

WASHINGTON – Utter pandemonium reigned in most major U.S. cities today as residents took to the streets to protest a lack of change in the wake of the nascent Obama presidency.
As the administration began its second day, confusion turned to outright anger as citizens noticed that stubborn problems such as unemployment, disease and gravity seemed [...]

Surprise commercials in Obama inaugural speech were bid to defray costs

Surprise commercials in Obama inaugural speech were bid to defray costs

WASHINGTON – It’s 2009: the dawn of a new political era. Change is no longer content simply to be in the air; it is now the prevailing wind, powering ‘round-the-clock bursts of self-serving cliché in every corner of politics.
That includes Washington, of course, and the biggest political stage of them all: Inauguration Day. But living [...]

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