WASHINGTON – Reeling from back-to-back blizzards that dumped more than three feet of snow on the Washington, D.C. area, the Federal Government and U.S. Capitol remained shuttered for a record fourth consecutive day today.  Nevertheless, life continued as normal throughout the 50 states, unnerving democrats everywhere.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi pointed out several examples of what she called “shocking, senseless and sinister displays of misguided independence.”

The Federal Government: gone but not forgotten.

“Wal-Mart is still open,” she noted. “The Grand Canyon is still there. I read that Duke beat North Carolina last night – I am shocked at the waste of energy and resources in the reckless pursuit of frivolous play even as the all-providing hand of government has been stilled.”

When told that FedEx, UPS and even the U.S. Postal service were still operating throughout all 50 states, she began sobbing, saying, “Please, please don’t make me check my premise.”

Similar anguish was expressed throughout all levels of government, from the president’s office down to rank-and-file democrats who wanted to keep running even after the wheel had stopped.

Josiah Mutterpuhl, a mid-level attorney at the Federal Interagency Committee for the Management of Noxious and Exotic Weeds (FICMNEW), was in tears after being rescued by the Washington Fire Department nearly 40 feet from his Georgetown brownstone.

“It’s so awful,” he said. “Four days without work and no car service since I rely on my staff to arrange that. Even the nanny didn’t show up. How am I supposed to know what to feed a child? Where’s the National Guard? Where’s our military when we really need them and how can life possibly continue as if it’s no big deal that the Federal Government is not here to tell everybody what to do?”

Tim Kaine, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, conceded his party would have to “reassess the apparent gap between reality and our party’s position” following an embarrassing gaffe on national television earlier in the week during an interview with CNN’s hoary, lion-haired anchor Wolf Blitzer on the eve of the blizzard.

“Wolf, I must warn our conservative friends on the threshold of ‘Snowpacalypse’* to be careful what they wish for,” said Kaine soberly. “For far too long we’ve heard them brazenly pine for a smaller, less powerful Federal Government. Well, if we have to shut down for these next few days, they’re going to learn the hard way just how difficult life becomes without a strong, centrally planned Federal Government to lead the way.”

Kaine said he became increasingly uneasy over the following four days as lives continued throughout the country unhindered by the hibernation of the Federal Government.

“I began fearing I might have to eat my words,” he said. “I’ve eaten lots of my words throughout my career, and trust me, they don’t taste good.

“When I woke up this morning and we still had power and the networks were still broadcasting, I was dumbfounded. How can they do this for four straight days without us?

“Then I saw that during those four days, the DOW posted a 756.43% Compound Annual Growth Rate. I knew then that this would not be helpful to our experiment of building a socialist America.”

Sill, Kaine hinted there may be hope.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that the only reason things have held together is the excellent emergency-response plan we put together. The challenge now is to make sure folks realize this and to turn this into an opportunity to grow the government.

“After all, next time it might be a lot longer than four days.”

*“Snowpacalypse” has been nominated as the year’s most obnoxious made-up word, even though it’s only February. While impossible to conceive of at the moment, an even worse specimen may emerge as the year progresses. If this occurs, the real apocalypse is likely upon us.

Originally posted 2010-02-11 20:57:45. Republished by Blog Post Promoter