LOS ANGELES – The recent announcement from Columbia Pictures that Kid Rock will take the lead in its soon-to-be filmed remake of the 1984 cult classic “Karate Kid” has the original Daniel-san waxing angry.

When plans to use mega-star Will Smith’s young son Jaden as the lead gave way to criticisms that the boy was too young to pull off the role, casting directors turned their attentions to Kid Rock, best known for his ability to combine urban hip hop rhythms and the angst of heavy metal with the carefree folly of country music.

Director Harold Zwart feels that Kid Rock is a perfect match.  “Kid is the ultimate bad-ass.  At least it’s believable that he could paint several hundred yards of wooden fencing without passing out.  Every time I watch Karate Kid, I think [Macchio]‘s going to need a transfusion, or at least a shot of B-12.  He looks like he’s suffering from pernicious anemia throughout the entire movie.  This time, we wanted a more robust lead, someone who looks like he could kick a little ass and not have to take a nap afterward.  We’re very happy with Kid Rock in this role, if for no other reason than his arms don’t look like they’re made out of rubber bands.”

strike first, hit hard, no mercy

Martin Kove, who played Kreese, the thick-necked leader of the Cobra Kai in the original film, agrees. “He’s the perfect guy to breathe new life into the character of Daniel Larusso. I mean, look at him, if anyone looks like they might need to throw a few punches at the Beverly Hills elite, it’s Kid Rock.  He still wears a mullet, for Chrissakes.”

Ralph Macchio, who was not approached to participate in the remake despite fierce lobbying on his part, has nothing but negative things to say about the project.  “Look, 1984 was like, what, almost 20 years ago.  Why are they trying to remake history?  You can’t.  They won’t.  They shouldn’t.  I mean, why this movie?  It’s like a fine work of art, or a a really classy piece of jewelry.  You can’t take a gold necklace, melt it down and turn it into a new gold necklace.  You just can’t do that.  It’s impossible.  It goes against science.”

Jackie Chan is set to reprise the role of gentle taskmaster Mr. Miyagi, although strong consideration is being given to Tyra Banks.  “Who says Mr. Miyagi has to be Asian, or male for that matter?” said Zwart.  “Welcome to the 21st century, you know what I mean?  Besides, the first Miyagi didn’t know squat about martial arts, why mess with that formula by bringing in someone like Chan?  Ms. Banks doesn’t know squat about martial arts, or acting for that matter.  I think it could be perfect.”

Audiences will have a chance to weigh in when the film opens, sometime next year.

Originally posted 2009-03-02 21:26:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter