Al-Queda second-in-command Ayman Al-Zawahiri condemned American support of the Israeli attacks – despite no such support from the White House – official or otherwise.  In a radio address,Al-Zawahiri said that Obama fulfilled, “…the words of Malcom X concerning House Negros…” and went on to further insult the new president by calling him a “dishonorable black.”

When asked why he directed his outrage at America, Al-Zawahiri became visibly irate.  “Hit the Zionists and Crusaders wherever and in whatever way you can!  Allahu Akbar!” Al-Zawahiri then excused himself from taking further questions, citing a doubles tennis match between him and Osama Bin Laden vs. his stockbroker and an up-and-coming Hollywood entertainment lawyer.

Representatives from the Israeli embassy were unavailable for comment, as they were all at a local synagogue partaking in a bagels and lox brunch function.

Here in America, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi refused to condemn the insults to the new President, saying that “America must be a light to the world, not just a missile.”  Exactly what that had to do with either the Israeli attacks on Gaza or the Arab protests remains unclear.  When asked to explain, she again attempted to go on the offensive by saying “protecting America from terrorism requires more than just resolve, it requires a plan. As we have seen in Iraq, planning is not the Bush Administration’s strong suit.”

Whether or not she is aware that Mr. Bush is no longer President also remains unclear at this time.

Obama - a light to the Muslim world, or just another off-white devil?

Reaction in America ranged from shocked to confused.  Moonmuffin Kliebold-Harris, a sociology major at the University of Vermont, seemed particularly puzzled.  In a recent National Public Radio person-on-the-street interview, she cried, “But we elected Obama!  That’s supposed to show we care about them.  My political science professor said that Obama said that if we were nice to them, that they’d stop hating us. Why do they still hate us?  Why, why, why?”

Jerry Sandusky, an unemployed autoworker from Flint, MI, had similar sentiments.  “Obama promised us change,” he said, “but those darned Arabs haven’t changed at all.”

On behalf of President Obama, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs insisted that the jihadists need “empathy.”  He cautioned that should their unchecked aggression continue, President Obama might be forced to shake his fist and speak in harsh tones.  If that fails, Gibbs warned, Obama might even have to resort to giving all of Islam a great big, collective hug.  In response, the jihadists ran over Obamas picture with a car.

Originally posted 2009-02-04 20:32:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Scientists marvel at new element's paradoxical qualities. And its uselessness.

For the first time in more than 25 years, the  International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) has announced the discovery, and naming, of a new element for inclusion in the periodic table of elements.

The most striking aspect of the discovery is the nature of the new element itself, which has been named by IUPAC as Obamanite.

“We couldn’t believe its properties,” said Enrico Patchulia of the Italian Society of Professional Chemists and member of IUPAC. “It’s a gas, but its density surpasses all other elements. In other words, despite being gaseous, and lighter than air, it is actually denser than osmium – a hard metal and the previous densest element known to man. I guess to put it in layman’s terms, it’s really flippin’ dense, and it’s also really flippin’ gaseous.”

Patchulia says that classification of the element in the periodic table was difficult. “With its multiple seemingly inapposite qualities, we actually had to create a new category, that of ‘ignoble gas.’ The noble gases, or inert gases, such as helium, are known for their tendency not to participate in chemical reactions. But Obamanite reacts to EVERYTHING. There appears no set of circumstances in which it won’t interact, and with great volatility I might add.”

While the discovery of this new gaseous, dense and meddling element is exciting news for the scientific community, its usefulness, says Patchulia, is less inspiring.

“We can’t think of a single thing it’s good for,” he said. “Other than being disruptive to the chemical processes in which it is introduced, it has no practical application. So if you want to gum up the works of whatever chemical experiment you are conducting, this is the thing for you. But if you’re actually trying to accomplish something, Obamanite is best avoided. It’ll just contaminate the effort.”

Originally posted 2011-03-31 08:17:54. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Demonstrators have suffered heavy and repeated losses during routines staged in the middle of bustling intersections where participants have been overrun by cars, taxis, buses and tuk-tuks, but its members hope to follow in the successful footsteps of the trendy and mysteriously contagious political revolts that have gripped the Middle East in recent weeks.

“Today Tunis, tomorrow Tahrir Square!” shouted one agitator. Wearing a Bieber mask and clutching a large, 1980s-style boombox, he doused himself in kerosene, stepped into traffic and set himself ablaze, his screams fading well before his melting boombox succumbed to the intense heat.

Vehicles did yield to this spectacle, and his fellow protesters hailed his sacrifice as “heroic” and “tide changing,” pointing to how their counterparts used self immolation to ignite the beginnings of political unrest only weeks earlier.

“Who can explain why several other countries should embrace anarchy just because Tunisia, more than a thousand miles away, did,” remarked one protester. “I guess it’s because people are just lemmings, which is perfect for us, since only that same behavior can explain Bieber Fever to begin with.”

Bieber fever is the latest ingredient in the Middle East powder keg.

After enraged Tunisian youth set themselves aflame and prompted President Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali to flee the country, copycat, regime-changing riots erupted in Egypt, culminating in longtime Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak’s ungainly exit from power on Feb. 11.

Meanwhile, malcontents inspired by those events are today stoking their own unrest in Yemen, Bahrain and Iran with hopes of effecting similar, if ill-planned, change.  Multiple reports indicate that Bieber Fever may be afflicting the region in much the same fashion, despite flash mob casualties numbering in the thousands.

In Tehran, a live BBC radio interview with a diplomat in the Swiss embassy in Tehran abruptly ended in screams followed by the overpowering strains of “Overboard,” the Bieber remix featuring fellow pop tart Miley Cyrus. Off the coast of Somlia, militant pirates broke off a successful attack against a mammoth oil tanker to instead pursue a cargo ship containing 76,000 tons of bootlegged Bieber DVDs headed from China to South Africa.

Iranian leaders have angrily denounced the Bieber Fever threatening to sweep the already-troubled region. Parliament Speaker Ali Larijani blamed Israel and the United States for the “heinous injection of Western, pop-music garbage into Allah’s hemisphere.”

“When we blocked the Devil’s satellites and Internet signals to keep out such filth, they sent these agitators instead. Death to them all!” he shouted in an impromptu fatwah he delivered against “all things Bieber.”

However, the Bieber movement vigorously denies ties to Israel or the United States. “Israel might be to blame for 99% of the region’s problems,” said one protester struggling to set her heavy burka on fire. “But Bieber is Canadian and he’s not even Jewish!”

“Curse these fuel shortages,” she added. “Do you know how hard it is to set a wool burka on fire with just a match?”

Originally posted 2011-02-15 22:25:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Although the crux of the plan is clearly the G-20’s commitment to release an additional $850 billion in support of emerging markets and developing countries, the organization sought an additional, symbolic way to underscore its commitment to the Third World.

A range of ideas was discussed, from inviting increased, non-voting participation from Third World tyrants to hosting a “Live Aid” style series of rock concerts throughout the 20 countries.

But ultimately, the organization settled on a move they think will have even more symbolic impact: staging the summit for the first time ever in the Third World – in this case, Pittsburgh.

“We wanted to emphatically, empathically and unequivocally signal our solidarity with the struggling people of the Third World,” said Simon Guiltprowess, a spokesman for the Central Bank of England and de facto spokesman for the G-20. “Clearly, by hosting the conference in the very bowels of the Third World, the G-20 is putting its money where its mouth is.”

Summit participants are warned to stay away from neighborhoods like this one in the troubled Heinz Field district.

Guiltprowess said the organization had to plan for a host of challenges it does not face in advance of summits held in a routine locations like Geneva, Paris, London or Berlin, citing such efforts as “proof positive” of its commitment to the Third World.

Aside from security concerns, the G-20’s advance planners had to secure potable water, indoor plumbing and electricity, he said.

“Our logistics team did a great job,” said Guiltprowess. “They made arrangements with the host hotel to temporarily upgrade its water, plumbing and power capabilities. In addition, they reached out to the local regime in Pittsburgh to construct a temporary landing strip that will allow any of our members who might encounter health problems to be medevaced back to the developed world – to Philadelphia, for example.”

“Many of our members are old and frail,” he added. “It’s important that they have access to modern health care at all times, or at least to be within a short flight of it.”

For its part, Guiltprowess said the G-20 required attendees of the summit to undergo a vigorous cultural crash course that will allow them to more sensitively interact with locals.

“We found a great cultural sensitivity consulting group that really put our guys through the ringer,” he said. “For example, we learned that we shouldn’t be offended if the locals expose themselves or even relieve themselves in public – this is a common way to express deference or even fear in Pittsburgh, and the visitor should respond by keeping their hands visible, avoiding prolonged eye contact and speaking in soft, soothing, monosyllabic words or grunts.”

Although G-20 delegates are free and even encouraged to explore the general Pittsburgh milieu, one area is “absolutely” off limits, according to Guiltprowess: Heinz Field. An excerpt from a special travel advisory issued by the G-20 Pittsburgh explains why:

“Sports, in particularly American Football, is one of the rare perceived success stories in this forgotten corner of civilization. Residents of Pittsburgh quickly become agitated at the slightest real or imagined threat to the perceived position of hegemony ascribed to the local representative of American Football.

“Crime, typically staged by clans of street children or armed thugs, represents the most severe threat to foreign visitors to the Heinz Field district. Offenses typically include muggings, robberies, sexual assault and carjackings. Vehicles should be locked at all times, especially when stalled in heavy traffic, because of the risk of carjacking. The G-20 has received reports of armed criminals bushwhacking vehicles, especially on egress routes from the district. Because of a chronic lack of resources, local law enforcement are frequently incapable of rendering assistance during emergencies and in any case often side with the aggressors.

“In-country G-20 representatives should take precautions for their well-being. This includes keeping a high level of situational awareness, keeping a distance from crowds and generally maintaining a low profile. Do not fall into observable patterns and take care that all travel documents are current as a quick exit from Pittsburgh may be necessary with little notice. Few countries have formal diplomatic missions with Pittsburgh, and visitors should register with their home government to leave a clear record of their travel to Pittsburgh in the event of a crisis. Most importantly, take great care to avoid piercing the illusion that the local NFL football team is anything less than the most important aspect of existence. Doing otherwise can quickly lead to rapidly escalating violence that will only increase, not subside, in the face of reason.

The Pittsburgh G-20 summit begins Sept. 24 and ends Sept. 25.

Originally posted 2009-08-18 20:27:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Atif Bassam Safwan bin Badat bin Kadoorie Al-Hawwash, Qaeda’s deputy chief of Christian, Jewish and Shia slaughter, has been named the interim head of the organization and will serve in that role throughout the search for a permanent replacement or until he is killed, whichever occurs first, ‘Qaeda spokesman Adam Yahiye Gadahn confirmed in a smoke-signal interview from an undisclosed rubbish heap in rural Afghanistan.

### BREAKING NEWS ALERT: ATIF BASSAM SAFWAN BIN BADAT BIN KADOORIE AL-HAWWASH HAS BEEN KILLED BY U.S. FORCES. UPDATE TO FOLLOW ###

Gadahn, nee Adam Pearlman, is the former Orange County, California resident who successfully transformed a crippling sense of self loathing and a childish fascination with jihad into a burgeoning public relations career in the caves of Afghanistan that serve as ‘Qaeda world headquarters. He is now the firm’s senior vice president of marketing and communications and chief spokesperson and its highest-ranking American-born executive.

Even as he confirmed his organization had taken the drastic step of hiring a Western headhunting firm to replace its iconic, long-time leader, Osama bin Laden, who was shot in the face and killed by American commandos on Sunday, Gadahn downplayed the crisis gripping his company.

“We have always taken succession planning very seriously,” he noted. “Whether one of our executives, may Allah grant them the business acumen of one thousand and one MBAs, is martyred in a hail of lead by the imperialist Western pigs or simply succumbs to cholera, which happens more than you might expect when you drink poopy water as we are apt to do, sudden openings occur within our blessed hierarchy.”

Executive search firms encourage firms to think outside of the box when succession planning.

“We had been in talks with executive search firms well before this godless raid,” he explained. “We were prepared and will move forward swiftly to anoint a new leader, may Allah bless him with the vision of eight hundred and seventy five telescopes and tread upon his enemies with the righteous violence of an elephant crushing a locust husk.”

When pressed, Gadahn admitted Al Qaeda Holdings would “soon” be revising downward its 2Q and full-year earnings estimates, but insisted this had more to do with the high fees demanded by corporate headhunters than the absence of its charismatic, filthy-bearded leader.

“You wouldn’t believe what these dogs charge us,” Gadahn said. “It’s almost as bad as usury.”

M. Byron Bryan, the chief executive officer of Heisenberg and Bubbles, which is based in Gary, Indiana, said rates were affected by “extraordinarily high input costs related to the life insurance premiums that the next CEO of al Qaeda would be faced with” and added that his firm would have to offer a partial refund if its recommended executive held his or her post less than a year, something he called “very likely.”

“We want to partner with them – they are a minority-owned business and are clearly their sector leaders, but we have to conform to the realities of the market place.”

Bryan said a “very long shortlist” of would-be successors had been identified, but would only release a few names on it.

“We think Charlie Sheen, Joy Behar and Ann Coulter would all bring visionary leadership to the Al Qaeda C-Suite,” he said. “But that’s just to name a few, and there’s the minor issue that al Qaeda would typically behead any American woman on sight, which might make Joy and Ann non-starters.

“But if they could just resist that understandable, gut-level reaction that, quite frankly, anyone gets when beholding Behar or Coulter, they’d understand what dynamic, hate-mongering leaders these two gals can be.

“As for Charlie Sheen, his talent really speaks for itself. He’s likely going to be our top recommendation – tiger blood goes a long way with these tribal guys.”

Both Bryan and Gadahn stressed the search will also look at internal candidates.

A decision is expected by the end of next week.

AG, Eric Holder, seen after sampling Guzman's other "gift" to the DOJ

Only a day after the announcement that a wealthy Wyoming man has donated $1.5 million to help the state of Arizona defend legal challenges to its immigration enforcement law, the Justice Department announced it has also received a contribution supporting its lawsuit against the state.

According to a press release issue by the DOJ, Mexican drug lord, Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, has matched Timothy Mellon’s gift with 1.5 million pesos of his own.

“We are just thrilled to accept Mr. Guzman’s financial support,” said Attorney General, Eric Holder. “The staff has been high-fiving each other all day. Take THAT, Governor Brewer!”

Guzman is a well-known drug kingpin in Mexico, and with the capture of cartel leader, Edgar Valdez Villarreal, he is arguably now the most powerful. But according to DOJ officials that is irrelevant, because he “get’s it.”

“This is a man who understands the danger of Arizona’s recently passed law,” Holders said. “He can see the potential for abuse. He just gets it. Here is a man with regular contacts on both sides of the, quote-unquote, ‘border,’ a man who interacts with Americans and Mexicans every day. And he’ll tell you: discrimination based on nationality has no place in his business, and it should have no place in the business of Arizona. So to have him in our corner is really, we think, a testament to the legitimacy of our case.”

Asked whether the DOJ had any reservations about accepting a donation from a known criminal, Holder said, “Absolutely not. When it comes to the reprehensible and intolerable inconvenience of being asked for an ID card, what’s a little blow, or a little weed, or a little smack, or a little X? Drug trafficking is trivial compared to the inhuman, barbarous practice of carding.”

After recovering from a spit-take involving her Diet Coke, Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, stated that she isn’t surprised by the contribution, but she thinks the DOJ will be when they learn a peso is worth less than one-tenth of a U.S. dollar. “In a legal fight of this scope and stature? They’ll probably burn through that just by holding a press conference. Hell, we’ll just file a simple motion for extension of time tomorrow, and that’ll be that.”

Brewer’s comments about the peso-to-dollar ratio were repeated to Holder at a press conference he organized later in the day. “I don’t think that’s true … I mean, that can’t- … Did you know about this?” he demanded of one of his aids flanking the podium. “Well, then let me just say this: if there are any other sympathetic drug cartels, human traffickers, sex slave tradesmen, black market organ dealers, or prescription drug smugglers in Mexico who are equally appalled by Arizona’s blatant attempt to protect its citizens at the expense of the convenience of others, then please contact the DOJ to learn how you can help.”

Speaking at a White House press briefing, White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said the DOJ shouldn’t be so concerned, though. “The value of the dollar will surely drop to banana republic levels by the time the suit is completed, so I’d just advise them to drag the thing out and wait.”

Gibbs refused to say whether the administration had solicited donations from any other crime groups, and instead plugged his ears and repeated “I’m not listening to you” over and over again.

At least one person, however, did not need Holder’s entreaty before deciding to contribute. Pop star, Lady Gaga, announced this morning that she would throw her celebrity weight behind the cause. Observers say this is no surprise, given her rant against the measure during a concert in Arizona last month in which she said, apparently seriously, “I will hold you, and we will hold each other, and we will peaceably protest [Arizona].” Her protest, though, has been largely ineffective given her fans generally aren’t keen on any event unrelated to Project Runway.

The possible hermaphrodite did say she intends to auction a few articles of her Versace-meets-Tron wardrobe to support the DOJ legal fund. However, a Sotheby’s representative stated that the auction house has already decided against hosting the auction. “No one employed here is willing to actually handle clothing that has been worn by Ms. Gaga, at least not without a bio-suit. Perhaps she could try Craigslist?”

Originally posted 2010-09-03 15:35:04. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Bear in mind, this is just the start of even greater things to come,” he said. “By no means is this list exhaustive.”

Below is a summary of newly banned technologies and the reasoning as presented by the president during an exposition with the country’s legal branch, which is a hybrid of civil and sharia law:

Earlier this week, the UAE declared that BlackBerry mobile technology, including Internet and e-mail services, would be banned within the country out of concerns the devices were circumventing government oversight.

“This is a brave stand against Westernization and the first step back toward righteousness for the UAE,” said Osama bin Laden, the orchestrator of the 9-11 attacks who now runs a large consulting group in Islamabad, Pakistan. “Banning BlackBerry devices in a country that boasts the region’s largest airport, an international business hub and a high standard of living shows that no matter how far down the wrong path you’ve gone, it’s never too late to turn around.”

The BlackBerry ban, said bin Zayid Al-Nuhayyan, “really got us thinking, why not take a look at other Western evils foisted upon us recently, and by recently, I mean within the past century for starters.”

bin Zayid Al-Nuhayyan “virtually guarantees” the list will grow. Although he wouldn’t specify what would be next, he did offer this word of advice:

“I heard that a lot of women are complaining about how expensive auto insurance is. Well, let’s just say they’ll soon have no need to worry about that.”

A man uses a BlackBerry in Dubai. A dangerous secularist is probably on the other line.

The effects of a lobotomy apparent, Julian Assange makes shadow puppets at New Media Days 2009

Thousands of classified documents, including those detailing military strategy in the Afghan war, were released today by WikiLeaks.org, a self-propagandizing and unscrupulous website dedicated, ostensibly, to transparency in government.

However, in a fit of what can only be called incredible stupidity, within the trove of posted documents, WikiLeaks apparently also inadvertently released the medical records of the group’s frosty-headed editor-in-chief, Julian Assange. And doubtless, those records are every bit as titillating and provocative as the aforementioned military documents.

For instance, though always widely speculated, the public now has irrefutable proof that Assange was indeed lobotomized when he was sixteen.

“No one but a blithering idiot could believe that it is in anyone’s interest to reveal top secret military strategy in an ongoing war, ultimately putting innocent men and women at significant and unnecessary risk,” said Peter McGraw, a policy consultant for the Pentagon. “So no, I’m not surprised.”

As shocking as Assange’s lobotomy, it is not nearly as strange as the reason behind the surgery.

“Well,” said his Australian mum, “he was always a strange boy. Craved attention and all that. But as he got older, he became more aggressive … and a bit more deviant. This is hard to recount, but … well, one day he dressed himself in a rain slicker, and nothing else, and began flashing passing motorists from a highway overpass,” she said grimly. “But one of the vehicles was a very large semi-trailer and the driver blasted his horn. Julian’s always been a nervous boy and, well, after wetting his pants he fell off the overpass and conked his head very hard.” After wiping her eyes, she continued, “but that was nothing compared to this. I could live with the fact that I had a perverted half-brained son. But one that would perpetrate this heinous act? Publishing secret information that might put soldiers in jeopardy? I just wish I knew what I did wrong.”

Other information detailed in the medical records was equally astounding. For instance, much of Assange’s pathology – from his narcissism to his relentless pursuit of the spotlight – likely stems from (pardon the pun) a tragic mistake during his circumcision which was conducted when Assange was 10, and at his request. According to the leaked records, Assange arranged for the procedure to be performed by an Aborigine witch doctor (his mum says he distrusted regular doctors for being “in on the conspiracy”). However, the operation went horribly wrong when the witch doctor, who was evidently allergic to Assange’s Benetton cologne, sneezed.

“Oh, don’t worry, he didn’t lose it,” said his mum. “But he’ll never achieve … well, let’s say ‘anything more than half mast.’”

Opponents of Assange’s document dump are seizing upon the revelations to discredit the myopic misanthropic maladjusted miscreant journalist.

“With a deformed wee-wee and an ice-cream scooper taken to his head, it’s no wonder he is incapable of recognizing the harm his reprehensible site causes,” said McGraw. “But the fact that I now pity him still doesn’t change the fact that he should be sharing his views with the padded walls of an institution, and not the digital superhighway.”

One other bit of information revealed in Assange’s medical file is sure to astound those who have met him: he is in fact not albino, just really really creepy looking.

WASHINGTON – Greek officials were left to anguish over what might have been today after failing to finalize a promising agreement that would have canceled one third of the country’s obligations under a proposed 750 billion-euro rescue package for the failed socialist state.

The United States had been increasingly vocal with concerns about its $54 billion exposure to the loan. That’s when a young staffer with the Federal Reserve had what she later described as an “Aha! Moment” during an IMF meeting in Washington.

“Suddenly I remembered I had a CliffsNotes copy of Plato’s ‘Republic’ in my Hermès white crocodile handbag,” she recalled. “I had just bought the Plato thingy for one of my boyfriends who is cramming for his finals. Anyhow, I was thinking Plato was Greek and we’re a Republic, so maybe WE owe THEM something!”

“Hermès sounds Greek, too,” she added. “Is it?”

Officials huddled together after the interruption, and consensus quickly built that Greece should, in fact, be credited with contributing such building blocks of modern society as democracy, the Hippocratic Oath and columnar architecture.

“We were quickly able to go back and develop a retroactive, pro forma credit to the Greeks for inventing, for example, sophistry and Ouzo,” said Jean Paul Canard de Mallard, acting managing director of financial handouts for the IMF. “We had to adjust for inflation, of course, and so we came up with, conveniently enough, a sum that exactly totaled 250 billion Euros, which is the IMF’s commitment in the bailout.”

Is John Stamos really enough to negate Plato?

But the agreement was short lived. When confronted with de Mallard’s calculations, a member of the American negotiating team, Ekrem Kaplan, reminded the gathering of more recent Greek offerings to Western culture that had had “devastating effects.”

“John Stamos, for example,” Kaplan pointed out, referring to the former World Mullet Champion and 80s heartthrob actor from television’s distasteful “Full House” sitcom that consisted of poorly crafted one-liners followed by slack-jawed reaction shots of power-toddler-duo the Olsen Twins.

Kaplan said he approximated the damage inflicted by Stamos on Western culture to be “roughly in the Hurricane Katrina range, or just under $90 billion.”

“But that quickly became a moot point when we adjusted for Arianna Huffington,” Kalan said. Huffington [née Arianna Stassinopoulos] is the sluggish-tongued liberal pundit who ascended from the bowels of the blogosphere and successfully installed herself as a fixture on left-leaning talk shows.

Huffington is rated an “8″ on the Chris Matthews Leg Quiver scale, a globally acknowledged indicator of liberal morosis.

“Once Arianna was entered into the equation, further valuation became moot,” said Kaplan. “We could bring up additional abominations like Jimmy the Greek, Michael Dukakis, and George Stephanopoulos, but we didn’t want to actually add to the amount the Greek nation will owe the IMF, so at that point we agreed to call it a wash and just proceed with the conventional bailout loan.”

“Loans are just another way for our financial overlords to quench their thirst for the workers’ blood,” observed Yannis Panagopoulos, chairman of the Greek labor union that effectively sets the country’s policy. “I’m talking about the kind of loans that you have to pay back, of course. If you don’t have to pay them back, then we’re ok with them, which is why we were so hopeful about this deal to finally credit Greece for the gifts it has given to Western Civilization.”

“In fact,” continued Panagopoulos, “we were so open to it, we were prepared to stop setting pregnant bank workers on fire if it were signed. Unfortunately, now it appears we’ll have no choice but to once again make these minions of the bourgeoisie estate the outlet of our righteous anger.

“Imagine expecting someone to wait until age 40 to retire with full benefits! That’s not austerity, that’s depravity – that’s something far worse than John Stamos has ever done.”

Originally posted 2010-05-12 19:05:57. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

All 96 on board died.

Kaliningrad is a Russian exclave that was gifted to the USSR at the end of World War II by the Stalinist Appeasement Treaty, also known as the Potsdam Conference. It shares a 268-mile border with northern Poland.

Although the aircraft went down in heavy fog in Smolensk, where Russia had just reluctantly approved a memorial to commemorate the 70th anniversary of the Soviet extermination of more than 20,000 Polish citizens at Katyn, Medvedev insisted the crash was “no accident,” calling it a “cleverly disguised kamikaze attack on the sovereign state of Russia.”

Some readers may be able to see the impact site at lower right. Several dozen Russian trees, shrubs and lichen were destroyed, along with a bear.

The aircraft impacted terrain approximately 650 feet from the runway, engulfing the crash site, an unpopulated wooded area, in flames.

“We suffered tangible losses in this unprovoked attack,” said Medvedev. “A peace-loving, 20-meter antenna was destroyed, not to mention 17 birch trees, five viburnum trees and at least six aspen – all of these living, breathing citizens of Russia – that is, until this shameless attack.”

“Just as tragically, uncountable numbers of Usnea florida, a particularly beautiful species of lichen that flourishes in the Motherland, were incinerated in this brazen act of war,” he continued. “These lichen can literally survive in outer space, so brave and rugged are they, yet they can hardly be blamed for their noble defeat at the hands of a cowardly suicide attack by the Polish Air Force.”

“Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention that the fallen include a bear – the very symbol of our Motherland. Could there be a louder call to action than witnessing the enemy wantonly spill the blood of the Russian Bear upon our very own soil?

“And to add insult to injury, they attack us with one of our very own planes!”

Many experts have speculated that poor visibility, which was limited to 1,600 feet, was the likely cause of the crash. Others have argued that since Kaczynski’s wife, as well as the national bank governor and other dignitaries, including parliament speakers and an Olympic Committee head, were on board, it was highly unlikely the flight was a suicidal sneak attack.

But Medvedev dismissed all such arguments as “subterfuge the aggressor would have you believe. After all, was not the commander of the flight one of their most experienced Air Force pilots?”

“Mother Russia will take action commensurate with this naked act of terror,” he insisted, although he cautioned that an outright invasion of Poland was “not yet imminent.”

“First of all, we’d feel more comfortable with a 40-1 troop advantage on the border, such as Stalin enjoyed in 1939. We’re not quite there yet.

“Second, we need Germany to take care of the eastern half of Poland, preferably with a 1.5-million-man army, as they mustered in 1939, but at the very least with whatever they’ve got on hand today. We’re confident we can achieve these requirements in less than a month.”

When reminded Poland and Germany were now fellow members of NATO, Medvedev chuckled and said, “Obama’s still in charge of the free world, right? I’m about as worried about a NATO response as I am about that missile-defense system they promised to Poland.

“It doesn’t exist, and pretty soon, neither will Poland.”

Originally posted 2010-04-14 14:59:27. Republished by Blog Post Promoter