“There are many parallels between Port-au-Prince and New Orleans: Billions of dollars in squandered government aid money; chronic, multi-generational poverty; rampant crime and looting; unbridled government corruption; official victimhood status at the hands of the white devils; and voodoo.
NEW YORK – Orphan futures, under relentless pressure since the earthquake that devastated Haiti on Jan.23, enjoyed a dramatic turnaround today during heavy trading on the New York Mercantile Exchange.
The surge, which saw spot unit prices for March delivery of orphans spike $5, or 20%, came after traders received word that sightings of aggressive bulk [...]
WASHINGTON/OSLO – In a shocking decision announced today that revealed a sea change in the thought process of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, President Obama was crowned the 2009 winner of the award.
The decision sparked an immediate flurry of criticism from observers worldwide who pointed out that President Obama has accomplished essentially nothing in the 262 [...]
What an ordeal! I have climbed highest mountains and run through the fields. I’ve even scaled city walls just trying to find what I was lookin’ for. That’s a lot harder than it sounds, friends - you try to find a walled city in this day and age. It ain’t the 1700s anymore, mate.
During the ceremony, which took place in the Rose Garden at the White House, President Obama presented a signed, leather-bound book of Polish jokes to the Russian ambassador, noting, “Mr. Ambassador, I trust your government knew all along that the notion of the United States’ honoring the missile-defense deal with Poland and the Czech Republic was good for as many laughs as the jokes in this volume are.
PITTSBURGH – When the Group of Twenty (G-20) met earlier this year in London, the gathering of Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors of the world’s top 20 industrialized countries signed off on urgent action to temper the ravaging effects Great Depression 2.0 was having on the developing world.
Although the crux of the plan is [...]
WASHINGTON – White House and State Department officials declared the unrest in Iran over today, citing the abrupt discontinuation of all news coverage about the civil strife in the troubled theocratic state and crediting the untimely demise of demon-plagued pop star Michael Jackson as the catalyst.
“We’ve not received a single report of any unpleasantries since [...]
ROME – The U.S. State Department announced it was moving quickly to rush emergency aid to Italy in the wake of that country’s devastating 6.3-magnitude earthquake about 60 miles east of Rome. State Department spokesman Robert Wood confirmed the U.S. had presented Italy with $50,000 earlier today.
“Because of the urgency of this matter, we had [...]
Japanese Emperor Akihito announced plans today to visit Pearl Harbor this July. It will be the first visit by a member of the Imperial Family since the attack during World War II. Officially, the visit has been scheduled to promote peace and reconciliation. However, certain unnamed military commanders are troubled by indications that Akihito intends the visit as a personal reconnaissance mission prior to launching his next diabolical attempt at world domination.
TEHRAN, Iran – Thousands of Islamo-fascists lined the streets of Tehran yesterday, in protest of the recent Israeli bombing in Gaza. Protesters shouted epithets at both Israel and at “their imperial American overlords.” In addition, protestors burned a flag adorned with new President Barack Obama’s picture.
Al-Queda second-in-command Ayman Al-Zawahiri condemned American support of the Israeli [...]
NBC executives unaware of non-skating Olympic events
Country functions normally during four-day shutdown of Federal Government and Capitol, Dems in panicPort-au-Prince to receive NFL franchise
Super Bowl win expected to magically cure New OrleansOrphan futures surge on Madonna, Jolie sightings in Haiti
Earthquake Strikes Yellowstone, Frightens Woodland Critters
New Tiger Woods computer game to feature unlockable trophy women
