ST. LOUIS – Future hall of famer and part-time player manager Albert Pujols today explained the bizarre hit-and-run play during Game Five of the World Series in which the runner (slow-footed Allen Craig) ran, but the hitter-manager (Albert Pujols) didn’t even swing).

“The guy was a distraction for me down there on first base,” Pujols told reporters at the team’s daily media briefing today. “I wanted him gone because I couldn’t concentrate on hitting the ball out the stadium with him pestering me out of the corner of my eye.

“If I were a left-handed hitter, man, he’s still be there, or I mean he would have still been there when I hit the game-tying home run, but I’m a right hander. Not going to apologize about that.”

When asked directly if he had called the hit and run with the intent to not swing so Craig would be eliminated from first base, Pujols replied, “Him looming down at first base … it was awful. It was worse than having a splinter in your eye that you can’t get out. Yes … or maybe he’d steal the base, but then I’d have to put it on again to get him out of my sight.”

Craig has stolen five bases in his career.

After receiving the hit-and-run order from Pujols, which, according to Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, was transmitted via “buttocks – Albert touches his buttocks in a particular order to put it on,” Craig dutifully lumbered into action on the base path when the pitcher began his windup, only to watch Pujols impassively watch the pitch sail by.  

Rangers catcher Mike Napoli threw him out by several feet after pausing to tweet “watch this” to his followers.

Pujols was then intentionally walked.

“Dang, they walked me, so I didn’t even get to take a swing after getting rid of Craig,” said Pujols. “I guess that’s why Tony gets the really big bucks – he can think more than one move ahead.”

La Russa refused to criticize Pujols hit-and-take play – sort of. “Albert’s special. He’s a special guy, special ballplayer. He’s in the circle – the inside circle. He’s going to the Hall of Fame. He’s earned it, ok? He’s earned it. I have confidence in him. He’s earned the right to test that confidence by calling a hit and run and then not hitting, so we have a new play now, the take-and-run.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t call it – I thought I might have accidentally called it when I picked my nose before that at bat, but I didn’t. It was all on Albert, who is a great player.”

When asked to comment, God declined an interview, and instead chose to communicate His Message directly to the writer via divine inspiration. This is The Word of God:

“Don’t get fooled by Kurt’s understatement. Every five minutes, he’s in my ear! Between him and every other evangelist, I never have any time to get anything done around here.

“Ever wonder what I do after that 7th day – when I rest? I sit around all day and listen to people begging for every petty little triviality they can think of. Is it really MY problem who wins a football game? Thank ME that at least John Kitna’s done for the season. That alone gives me enough free time that at least I can work in the occasional game of squash.

“I’d love to do something about The Middle East, but I can’t get a spare minute, what with all the requests to win. Does Kurt think his prayers are more powerful then Troy Polomalu’s? It’s gotten bad enough that I’m tempted to send the Archangel Michael – you know, the protector of the Earth – back down to personally visit Kurt and tell him to please, for the love of Me, just give it a rest already. Have you forgotten my words that quickly? In Matthew 6:5-6, I said:

“I hate to admit this, but if you want to win a Super Bowl, you’re really better off going down to Lucifer for help. He’s a much bigger sports fan then I am. Truth be told, he’s been known to meddle in the game sometimes, too. Just ask Deion Sanders.

Although Kurt Warner apparently has a hotline to the Lord, he is apparently considered a prank caller.

“And while we’re on the subject, everybody wants to ask about the weather problems down in Hades (Of course I know that you want to ask – I’m God, I know all, remember?) It’s frozen. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I’m laughing about it. They’re laughing about it down there, too. They call it “Rest Break.” It actually happens more than you might think.

“It happened last October, when The Phillies won The Series. It happened on Election Day. It happened when another car dealer really did beat the unbeatable prices of James Chevrolet in Bala Cynwyd, PA. It’s not really as uncommon as you might think.

“Give Kurt credit, though. I deliberately gave him that wife, Brenda, as a test. I wanted to see how strong his faith was, and putting up with her, well, let’s just say that even Job would have struggled with such an ordeal. Kurt got his earthly rewards for that in 1999, though.

“I intended that to suffice until I resurrect him on the last day. If you want the truth, none of this is actually My Plan. In all honesty (like I’d lie!), I was sitting in on a jam with the Pearly Gates House Band; most of it anyway. It’s a little known fact that I love playing the sax. Jim Morrison, Cliff Burton, and John Bonham were there, but Jimi Hendrix was playing golf, so Stevie Ray Vaughan filled in on guitar for him.

“They were working on showing Billy Powell the songs.  We finally got a keyboard player. Anyway, we were all grooving to this righteous jam, all the while tripping balls on this killer hash I made when Kurt started praying again. I was so wasted – and believe me, it takes a LOT to get me wasted – that I forgot Kurt wasn’t on the Rams anymore. So I granted his prayer, made the ref ignore the pass interference at the end of the Eagles game, and now look at this mess.”

### end of transcript ###

Originally posted 2009-01-30 16:06:20. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

ST. LOUIS – Embittered, embattled, and perennial underachieving future Hall of Fame Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa has lodged a formal complaint against the iconic Gateway Arch of St. Louis, claiming it is distracting his club’s hitters. With the action, the arch joins a long line of inanimate objects that have been targeted by official La Russa protests, although it becomes the first National Historic Landmark to do so.

In the complaint, La Russa demands an investigation into the arch’s “unbalanced and detrimental effect on Cardinal hitters” and seeks an “injunction, to be enforced by world-renowned magician David Copperfield” on the arch until the inquiry is complete.

In addition to inanimate objects, umpires are frequent targets of La Russa's groundless gripes.

When asked by a reporter how Copperfield could deliver an injunction against a 630-foot monument, La Russa replied testily, “He can make it go away. He did that to the Statue of Liberty, didn’t he? Then he can do it here.

“And while he’s at it, maybe he can make Joey Votto, Prince Fielder, Johnny Cueto, DUI laws, and all the idiots – I mean all baseball fans who aren’t Cardinals fans – I mean maybe he can make a lot of other things go away, too, including you.”

Since the arch has been in place since 1965 – well before Busch Stadium was constructed– it is unclear why the protest is only now being lodged. But in his complaint, La Russa postulates that something about the arch may have changed “on or about June 1.”

The Cardinals are 14-16 at home since June 1 – a far cry from their usual winning ways in St. Louis, traditionally a source of exaggerated pride and league-wide taunting.

The arch protest is part of a recent outburst of accusations the squawky skipper has made in an effort to deflect blame for his club’s free-fall in the standings; after going 1-7 against the division-leading Brewers since June 1, the Cardinals stand a season-high five games removed from first place.

Lodging outlandish complaints against opponents is a core tactic of the La Russa playbook, and he has cultivated a reputation as a chronic complainer and excuse maker over a career that has spanned decades. Still, his histrionics this season, which range from accusing opponents of stealing signs to charges of a conspiracy to vary the intensity of the Miller Park scoreboard that somehow exclusively benefits the Brewers (La Russa has been dismayed over a positive correlation between the Brewers’ winning percentage and playing at home), have been considered shrill even by his standards.

Objects of complaints earlier in his career include the distance of his team hotel from a visiting ballpark, balls that were “too slippery” in Cincinnati, the height of a pitching mound in Colorado, pine tar on an opposing pitcher’s cap, the height of a mound in Cincinnati, fireworks smoke in Cincinnati, and ESPN scheduling decisions.

All of the complaints were baseless, and they shared another thing in common: they all involved a team that had the audacity to challenge the Cardinal’s self-appointed image as a divisional and league elite.

There is no word yet on how authority will be apportioned in the protest between Major League Baseball, the National Register of Historic Places, and other potential regulatory bodies.

Mendenhall made the announcement amid social media outbursts in which he criticized Americans for supporting the killing of 9-11 Mastermind Osama bin Laden and expressed doubt that bin Laden was behind the attacks and that a “plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.”

After receiving a less-than-surprising barrage of criticism, Mendenhall unleashed an even bigger bombshell: “I’m outta here,” he tweeted. “Goin’ to ball with some straight up hard-core playas in Afghanistan.”

In an interview, Mendenhall’s agent explained that the player was not unpatriotic, but just had a soft spot for “the underdog.”

“Just like his beloved Pittsburgh Steelers never get the respect they so dearly deserve, neither does Al Qaeda,” he explained. “With so much in common, and with the NFL season in question anyway, Rashard just felt it was the right time to exchange some best practices with some of the toughest men in the world.”

At the ‘Qaeda camps, Mendenhall will focus on his ball-handling struggles; he has arranged to sprint through a live minefield while carrying a football and having rocket-propelled grenades fired just over his head.

In return, Mendenhall will donate several thousand “Terrible Towels” to the struggling ‘Qaeda terrorist cell, which plans to use them for a much-needed change of underwear.

The State Department could not be reached to comment on Mendenhall’s planned trip, including the legality of it.

They cite famed dog killer and Philadelphia star quarterback Michael Vick’s early boot from NFL postseason play as a precipitating event that could undo much of the PR gains the sport fought so hard to accomplish under Vick’s endorsement over the past year.

And, as Pittsburgh advances to the Super Bowl, they loathe the resurgence of their sport’s most bitter rival: rape. Pittsburgh is led by accomplished coed rapist and two-time Super Bowl Champion quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

“Michael’s defeat in the playoffs was a black swan event, a real script reverser,” frets Rick Haliburton, a retired champion dog killer who now writes a column on the sport for ESPN. “Everything was going full bore when Mike kept winning. When he lost so suddenly in the playoffs, some folks sort of had the blinders ripped right off.”

Haliburton said Vick’s early exit will especially harm recruiting efforts aimed at middle school children, a population the sport views vital to its long-term relevancy.

“There’s no longer any doubt that NFL players are the most important role models in a child’s life. So we worry not only about kids thinking dog fighting doesn’t offer them a future, we also worry will they look to rape to fill that void. The competition for kids’ hearts and minds is really tough out there. Now I know what Joe Camel went through.”

Michael Vick hopes to become the first athlete to win a Super Bowl and the Ballers' Cup, pro dog fighting's highest honor

“We as a sport came to rely on Vick’s winning dynamic,” he continued. “In the eyes of the modern parent, when an athlete wins, all of his behavior is virtuous by definition. Mike created a vital halo effect for us, and it’s going to be tough to recover.”

Initially, some expressed outrage at Vick’s heinous torture of dogs. But when he began unexpectedly winning games after his return from his token prison term, he – and dog fighting – became more popular than before his supposed fall from grace.

“It’s just a really neat example of moral relativism,” noted sports psychotherapist Winifred Simpson. “The more he won, the more compelling dog fighting apologists like Colin Cowherd became. The argument evolved from ‘It’s ok that he tortured dogs because he’s a winner’ to ‘If I torture dogs, I can be a winner.’ It’s going to be a big loss to the dog fighting industry if this line of reasoning gets dialed back a level or worse.”

But Haliburton says the industry hasn’t given up hope yet. They are holding out hope that Vick can sill capture the NFL’s Most Valuable Player award, and are lobbying to have a new annual award, Most Valuable Dog Fighter, initiated.

They are also launching social media campaigns, school fliers and even a children’s book that focus on Vick’s storied comeback in 2010, especially his historic victory against Washington, in which he became the first quarterback in history to pass for three touchdowns and rush for two in the first half of a game, and his comeback win over Washington, when he joined forces with Giants punter Matt Dodge to help Philadelphia overcome a 21-point deficit in the fourth quarter.

“The message to fans is the only difference between you and Mike Vick is that you don’t dogfight. Only you can change that. After that, the sky’s the limit.”

Originally posted 2011-01-25 22:35:42. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Now, he hopes to channel the powers that fueled Vick’s turnaround to drive similar results in other washed-up stars and overhyped prospects by offering an NFL-sponsored regimen of brutal dog fighting to eligible players.

“Michael’s is a special story,” said Goodell in a non-exclusive interview with Wine and Excrement. “The public and pundits alike went from treacly condemnation to outright adoration of him. Experts are even saying the Eagles will win because of Michael rather than despite of him.”

The public’s arbitrary adoration has become a familiar pattern that transcends the NFL. Earlier this year, MLB umpire Jim Joyce blew a call and cost Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game.

Joyce, like Vick, publicly professed his remorse and wound up more loved after his blunder than before.

Similar tales abound in Hollywood and more are likely in the making; fans of disgraced silver screen tart Lindsey Lohan breathlessly await a chance to propel her to even bigger stardom on the back of a groveling apology.

“Somehow, people who make a colossal mistake, which, in the case of Michael, involved deliberately torturing defenseless dogs to death to earn profits in an illegal sporting scheme, end up more popular and more successful after they ‘own up’ and are ‘rehabilitated,’” said Goodell. “The public feels really good about itself when it can break a guy down and build him back up again and frankly our League hasn’t done enough to capitalize on that and that’s on me.”

Vick, who had been criticized throughout his career for relying on his foot speed to mask his awful passing ability, has suddenly earned acclaim as one of the best pocket passers in the NFL, based on the large, four-game sample size he has turned in thus far this year.

“Not only has the public forgotten he killed dogs for sport, it’s forgotten he sucks as a quarterback!” exclaimed Goodell. “We’re not sure which is the bigger accomplishment, but we’re sure of one thing: we need to catalyze this stupefying degree of public idiocy.”

Goodell said the following players are being offered the chance to enroll in the NFL’s new dog-fighting program:

Reggie Bush – One of the most over-hyped players in NFL history, which is itself a major feat, Bush was a No. 2 pick in 2006 and has yet to rush for 600 yards in a season.

Matt Leinart – Reggie Bush’s fellow bust, Leinart is the most unsuccessful QB in NFL history to be photographed frolicking with semi-nude co-eds and plying them with alcohol. He has 11 career TDs and 12 interceptions.

Eli Manning – Eli put nepotism back on the NFL map, but still sucks. A middle-of-the-road passer, he pulls down a Hall of Fame salary.

Jay Cutler – Another middle-of-the road QB, Cutler throws lots of touchdowns – but also lots of interceptions.

Marc Bulger – Despite earning $31 million over the past three years, Bulger has been dumped in Baltimore, where he now rides the pine behind perennial rookie sensation Joe Flacco.

Although Goodell said he’s confident that each of these stalled superstars will “excel at dog fighting,” he conceded there are “varying levels of familiarity with the sport among NFL players.”

Those who are not familiar with the popular blood sport will be enrolled in an NFL-sponsored dog fighting “boot camp,” where they will be fully indoctrinated in the intricacies of the savagery.

“It will be a fully immersive experience,” said Goodell. “Players will have no contact with their teammates or even their families during the four-week course, but I’m confident that each of these players can benefit immensely from dog fighting, and therefore so can the League.”

Goodell said a reality-TV crew will be along for “virtually every moment” of the process to produce a show, tentatively entitled “Man’s Best Friend,”which will air on the NFL Network next year.

Meanwhile, he sees a bright future for Vick.

“If it takes torturing a few hundred dogs to revive a player’s career, I think most fans can eagerly accept that,” he said. “There’s no going back now, and his injury could actually help him.”

Vick was injured during yesterday’s game against the Redskins and could miss some playing time.

A star is reborn, thanks to the new face of the NFL.

“A reformed dog killer fighting back from an injury? He could throw 60 picks this year and still win MVP,” said Goodell.

Belichick, who famously coined the phrase “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying,” was at the center of an espionage scandal in 2007 after the Patriots were caught illicitly filming the Jets practice, including coaching signals.

Some accused Belichick of using the tactic on many opponents, citing his eerie anticipation of plays freshly designed in the days of practice leading up to games, but the NFL officially acknowledged only his deceit against the Jets in assessing fines and a loss of a draft pick as punishment.

Regardless, Belichick has been closely watched ever since, and the team’s once-vibrant espionage operation has been severely limited as a result. That, say the Patriots, prompted the famously independent Belichick to consider for the first time an outsourced solution for his intelligence needs

“Our espionage team was hit hard,” said a Patriots spokesperson. “Tragically, we even had to let a few of them go, although I understand all but one got jobs with the Mossad, so we’re blessed in that regard.

“As decimated as we are, Bill felt he had no choice but to try WikiLeaks. On the plus side, it’s free, but on the down side, it’s public. If everyone has access to the Jets playbook, that somewhat diminishes the advantage we enjoy, but at least we’ll be the first to play them [since the leak].”

WikiLeaks, founded by reclusive Australian albino Julian Assange in 2006, operated in unnoticed irrelevance until this summer, when Bradley Manning, a sexually frustrated U.S. Army private skilled in computer hacking, handed over 90,000 classified documents to Assange, propelling the site to temporary stardom. .

With his entrance into the world of sports espionage, Julian Assange has likely cemented his frontrunner's standing for Time's prestigious Albino of the Year award.

Not content with enabling treason and the sabotage of international relations, the site has moved on to the sports world, posting the entire New York Jets playbook online. As is its custom, the site refuses to confirm how it obtained the confidential documents, although sources within the military prison where Manning is being held say he is a rabid Patriots fan, although not a fan of patriots.

In a hateful twist it calls “bonus material,” the site even defied Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) rules by posting sonogram images of expectant mother and New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan.

According to doctors who reviewed the controversial images, Ryan will give birth to a baby boy in late January or early February.

Perhaps not-so-coincidentally, the Patriots are the first Jets opponent since the team’s playbook was compromised on WikiLeaks.

Surprisingly, Ryan downplayed the espionage, although he said he was still “furious” with Belichick, promising to “really kick his ass now – not just on the field, but literally, but not until after this f—ing baby is born.”

Ryan continued, “But the thing’s [playbook] several hundred pages long and most of our players don’t understand what’s written in it anyway. Hell, I’m not even sure I’ve read the f—ing thing. F–k if I know.

“But still, that’s f—ing bush league to download our playbook like that. That’s like me trying to bang Tom Brady’s wife – you know he’s married to a supermodel – and not manning up and doing it to his face and instead downloading images of her off the Internet where some weasel posted them so I can toss off to them.”

WikiLeaks says it plans to feature more sports-related leaks, and has posted a teaser that reads, “Coming soon – the Chicago Bears playbook.”

Even more surprising was Rodman’s harsh criticism for the parents who had reared the lusty tarts.
The columnist, who relies on the nom de plume “C.J.,” bashfully wrote, “I can’t even clean up the questions he wanted me to ask their parents.”

Reached for comment today, Rodman clarified his position. “I mean, it was too easy,” he explained, noting that “at least” 1,500 of the women were willing, or at least conscious, during his sexual ministrations.

The other 500? “They were gold diggers,” he said. “Hard to believe, but they weren’t interested in my STD-riddled physique or even my sexy tattoos, just  in my paper.”

Still, Rodman allowed, “1,500 willing ho’s is a lot. I mean, it ain’t Wilt, but it’s a lot.”

Rodman was referring to Wilt “The Stilt”Chamberlain, another basketball legend and owner of every major NBA single-season and career copulation record. He retired (i.e. died) having rutted with 20,000 women.

Rodman urged parents everywhere to consider the ramifications of the fact that several thousand apparently sane women were willing to “do me on a whim.”

Rodman displays this teachable moment's textook.

“Look at me. If I was behind them at the mall, they’d call security,” he said. “But backstage at an NBA arena or team hotel, I couldn’t beat them off.

“They for sure could beat me off, though,” he quickly added.

“But the point is, where do all these ho’s come from? That’s why I did this, that’s why I got with all those girls, to teach them what their parents should have: they’re acting like buyers when they should be the sellers.”

“The lesson hurt me more than it hurt them,” he added.

Camilla Pug Fantasicle, Chairperson of non-applied Women’s Liberation Studies at the University of King of Prussia in Pennsylvania, condemned Rodman’s analysis.

“This is like a miner who has enriched himself all his life with coal turning around and cursing the fertile hills that yielded it,” she said angrily, gesturing at the Pennsylvania hills visible through the eye-level window of the men’s room where she makes her academic office.

“It is absolutely healthy and normal for a young woman to pursue sexual partners among star athletes. It’s time we desensitize and de-stigmatize forever terms like slut, ho, whore, indiscretion, humiliation, accountability, self esteem and STDs.

“Without the absent fathers, without the domestic violence, without the broken homes and multiple divorces, without the heavy drinking, our society would struggle to fill key positions in the adult entertainment and groupy industries, traditionally among the highest-paying sectors for female workers.

“I worry that parents out there will take Rodman’s lessons to heart and deny their little girls these future opportunities at self advancement.”

A week ago, Phillips hurt the Cardinals feelings when he observantly noted that the team, from its players up to its sulky manager Tony La Russa, whined a lot. Predictably, the Cardinals complained loudly about Phillips’ comments, with La Russa warning ominously that Phillips would “have his problems with his boss and his teammates” and even scurrying after St. Louis reporters to offer additional, unsolicited on-the-record complaints about his verbal antagonist.

Words swiftly turned into action in the game following the publication of Phillips’ comments, with shrill-voiced Cardinal catcher Yadier Molina springing up from his award-winning wide stance behind home plate to chirp in Phillips’ face during his first plate appearance. Both benches cleared and the Cardinals went on to sweep the Reds in the three-game series.

Baseball pundits across the land effectively crowned them as division champions, as the sweep reversed a two-game deficit to a one-game lead for the Cardinals in the standings.

The Cardinals were quick to credit Phillips, effectively admitting that their team of highly paid, world-class athletes needed motivation other than their large salaries and a pennant race to elicit productivity on the field. “It seemed like we were playing with a little more intensity than normal,” noted one Cardinal player.

Or, as fat-faced St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist and lapdog Cardinal apologist Bernie Miklasz put it, “Phillips couldn’t have done this any better if the Cardinals were paying him under the table to sabotage the Reds.”

Unfortunately, the motivational effects of Phillips’ insensitive but truthful remarks apparently had a limited shelf life, as the Cardinals fell flat on their faces in the final two games of the Cubs series after winning the opening game.

Eager to wrest first place again from the Reds, the Cardinals are turning once again to Phillips.

Tony La Russa delivers a motivational speech of his own to an uncooperative umpire.

“Clearly, Brandon was responsible for the string of victories we pulled off after his hateful remarks,” said Cardinals Manger Tony La Russa when reached for comment at the wine bar he had installed in the home dugout at Busch Stadium 2.0.

When asked if his team shouldn’t have already had ample motivation to compete and might have won regardless of Phillips’ comments, he raised a stern finger in interruption and said, “Our victories occurred after Brandon’s hateful and hurtful remarks, and therefore because of them.

“I’ve just employed classical first-order logic in making that argument, and while I know you can’t hope to understand it, trust me, it’s infallible.”

La Russa said negotiations were still underway with the Reds and Brandon Phillips, but he didn’t think the trade deadline would be a problem, since Phillips “won’t be playing, only motivationally speaking” for the team.

“Think of him as another coach – we have pitching coach Dave Duncan, pharmacological coach Mark McGuire, and now we’ll have motivational speaking coach Brandon Phillips.”

When Phillips was asked how negotiations were going, he said, “I’d tell you they are a bunch of whiny bitches, but I can’t say that until they start paying me.”

The feats brought him within 162 home runs and 4,000 sexual partners of two of the most cherished career records in all of sports: Barry Bonds ‘roids-fueled home run record and Wilt Chamberlain’s size-fueled conquest of 20,000 women.

At 35, A-Roid becomes the youngest player ever to hit 600 career home runs.

A-Roid: on his way to 762 and 20,000

Detailed statistics were not kept during Chamberlain’s lifelong booty campaign, and it is unknown at what age the 18,000th notch was added to his headboard.

Still, experts, say, it’s clear A-Roid is on track to eclipse both marks.

“He’s only 35, and he’s been in the Majors 16 years. For the sake of argument, let’s just say that’s how long he’s been banging chicks at a high level as well,” said Sabermetrician Doogie Dimrod, who was published once in the New York Times sports section and now runs a blog from his estranged father’s basement. “Assume he stays healthy and in playing condition another five years – he only needs to average 32 home runs per year and 800 women.

“Both of those numbers would be below well-established historical production levels.”

Dimrod said of the two, Chamberlain’s record was most in jeopardy. “I think he’ll crack both of them, but if I had to bet on one, it’d be the babes. Performance-enhancing drugs are banned on the field, but not in bedrooms, alleys, bars, dance floors, elevators, airplanes, buses, cars, roller coaster rides, theaters, etc.,” he noted.

“Besides, that’s only what, 15 women per week – hardly much of a challenge for a pro athlete in a major media market. And, if somehow he fell short for some reason, he’s going to keep producing, albeit at reduced capacity, even after his baseball career ends. So barring some unthinkable accident, he’s going to get it.

“I mean, he scored with Madonna. The dude’s a fricking centaur.”

Some critics have pointed out that pitchers sometimes offer up fat pitches to players closing in on milestone home runs and that, conversely, some women may not have been entirely willing – or even conscious – of their inclusion in the ranks of the tens of thousands of sexual conquests achieved by elites such as Chamberlain and A-Roid. They allege this can cheapen the meaning of such records.

But Dimrod dismissed such complaints. “Numbers are numbers. There’s no point in being subjective about them.”