MINNEAPOLIS –Tattoo aficionado and former NBA rebounding phenom Dennis “The Worm” Rodman, speaking to an unknown gossip columnist with the Minneapolis Star Tribune, unveiled a startling claim yesterday, boasting that his sexual conquests total 2,000 victims women, or nearly one tryst for every six regular-season rebounds logged during his storied career. Even more surprising was [...]
ST. LOUIS – Reeling from a devastating pair of losses to the lowly Chicago Cubs that snuffed the euphoria following their triumphant sweep of the Cincinnati Reds, the St. Louis Cardinals are taking a drastic measure. They have created a full-time motivational speaker position on the team and offered it to Brandon Phillips, the second [...]
NEW YORK – On an action-packed night in New York, Alex Rodriguez stroked his 600th career home run, a shot to straightaway center field against Toronto, then capped off the evening by trysting with three co-ed club goers at hip Manhattan nightlife spot Promenade. The feats brought him within 162 home runs and 4,000 sexual [...]
BRISTOL, Conn. – ESPN, already the self-anointed worldwide leader in sports, is now hoping to make a splash in the food safety beat. The over-hyped sports network has completed a fastidious compilation of select violations rung up against eateries at renowned sporting facilities throughout the country. In ferreting through reams of inspection results from MLB, [...]
MOBILE, Ala. – Recently released free-agent quarterback and epic NFL draft bust JaMarcus Russell is borrowing a fresh page from the LeBron James free-agency playbook. Today he announced that he has narrowed the list of teams contending to be the next chapter in his infamous career to five and that he will reveal the winning [...]
PITTSBURGH – Ever since Ben Roethlisberger’s second sexual assault allegation came to light last month, the consensus view has been that he is his own worse enemy. Yesterday, Mr. Roethlisberger legitimized this opinion after filing sexual assault charges against himself. “It was awful,” the Pittsburgh Steelers’ star quarterback told reporters at a hastily called press-conference. [...]
AUGUSTA,Ga. – The image was so moving and so romantic, it has captivated the nation’s attention: there was Phil Mickelson, only moments after securing his third Masters championship, embracing Amy, his cancer-stricken wife, with tears rolling down his face. What the camera did not capture, however, was Tiger Woods standing twenty yards away with his [...]
(NEW YORK) Suffering from a week’s worth of severe comedic writer’s block and untreated myopia, writers at The Onion discovered a 15 year-old picture of the Indianapolis skyline in Google cache and ridiculed it for not being New York’s. When asked for his reaction, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels responded: “Skyline schmiline . . . at [...]
NNEW YORK- On the eve of the opening ceremonies, Dick Ebersol, Chairman of NBC Universal Sports, was stunned today during a press conference when a German reporter asked him if the network would be covering the Men’s Giant Slalom in the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. “The what?”, Ebersol asked, following the question of [...]
PITTSBURGH – A coalition of Pittsburgh Women’s Shelters dedicated to combating domestic violence issued a joint press release today thanking the Oakland Raiders for sparing “untold numbers” of Pittsburgh-area women from more serious injuries Sunday evening. Earlier in the day, the Pittsburgh Steelers suffered an embarrassing, overtime loss to the struggling Kansas City Chiefs. The [...]
Sweeps Week shocker planned: hubby to slaughter, butcher and eat wife on ‘Man Woman Wild’
Swine flu – it’s like bird flu – only new!
Obama considers resigning presidency to host show on The Travel ChannelDennis Rodman: Conquest of 2,000 women a ‘teachable moment’ for parents
Lohan checks more items off her “Bucket List” of celebutard achievements
Pelosi alleges conspiracy by “all Americans” to thwart her poll numbersSt. Louis Cardinals to hire Brandon Phillips as motivational speaker
