Scientists marvel at new element's paradoxical qualities. And its uselessness.

For the first time in more than 25 years, the  International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) has announced the discovery, and naming, of a new element for inclusion in the periodic table of elements.

The most striking aspect of the discovery is the nature of the new element itself, which has been named by IUPAC as Obamanite.

“We couldn’t believe its properties,” said Enrico Patchulia of the Italian Society of Professional Chemists and member of IUPAC. “It’s a gas, but its density surpasses all other elements. In other words, despite being gaseous, and lighter than air, it is actually denser than osmium – a hard metal and the previous densest element known to man. I guess to put it in layman’s terms, it’s really flippin’ dense, and it’s also really flippin’ gaseous.”

Patchulia says that classification of the element in the periodic table was difficult. “With its multiple seemingly inapposite qualities, we actually had to create a new category, that of ‘ignoble gas.’ The noble gases, or inert gases, such as helium, are known for their tendency not to participate in chemical reactions. But Obamanite reacts to EVERYTHING. There appears no set of circumstances in which it won’t interact, and with great volatility I might add.”

While the discovery of this new gaseous, dense and meddling element is exciting news for the scientific community, its usefulness, says Patchulia, is less inspiring.

“We can’t think of a single thing it’s good for,” he said. “Other than being disruptive to the chemical processes in which it is introduced, it has no practical application. So if you want to gum up the works of whatever chemical experiment you are conducting, this is the thing for you. But if you’re actually trying to accomplish something, Obamanite is best avoided. It’ll just contaminate the effort.”

Originally posted 2011-03-31 08:17:54. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Although Steve Jobs, Apple’s beleaguered CEO, had earlier complained bitterly that reported problems with the iPhone 4’s antenna have been “blown so out of proportion,” at a news conference today he acknowledged that enough users had been impacted to warrant company action.

"Almost anyone" can perform the surgery, Apple says.

“Look, we now know this is affecting people’s lives here,” he told reporters gathered at Apple’s headquarters. “We know a dropped signal might force someone to momentarily seek stimulation elsewhere – perhaps on a clunky desktop computer, a television, or – even worse – in a book or by face-to-face interaction with another human being. We’re not about to stand still and let a tragedy like that happen – not after we’ve come so far in improving our world.”

Because the problem has been traced to some users holding the phone in a manner that hinders the transfer of signals to its integrated metal antenna, Jobs said, the company was prepared to offer “outpatient implants of powerful conductive alloys and composites to users’ heads that will massively boost the amount of radiation – and, therefore – information – that flows into the device.”

To receive maximum benefit from the fix, Jobs said users should clasp the iPhone 4 tightly to their heads when using it. “This will minimize the resistance of the organic facial material between our antenna and the implant material and allow a more complete circuit for conducting the radiation field generated between the user’s head and the device,” he said.

Users might notice a “warming sensation,” Jobs acknowledged, but stressed that they will also experience “bandwidths that were heretofore unimaginable.”

Jobs stressed that Apple will cover all medical costs related to the procedure, adding that the company had made arrangements at “clinics, drug stores, pharmacies, electronics retailers and video game stores throughout the country.”

“With the mod kit we’re rolling out, there’s no need for a surgeon or even a doctor to perform this – in fact, any health care professional or concerned citizen with a rudimentary understanding of how to slow or stop heavy bleeding can do this with the tools and checklist we’re providing.”

Users have until Sept. 30 to receive the implants at no charge.

Originally posted 2010-07-18 18:54:23. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

NEW YORK – A growing number of U.S. scientists who are outspoken about the threat of global warming have concluded that, in spite of his progressive politics, MSNBC windbag Keith Olbermann is “part of the problem” when it comes to global warming, according to Princeton University scientist Joaquim Neutron.

“At least, as long as he has his show he is,” Neutron clarified. “The best thing he could do for the fight against global warming would be to simply shut up.”

Neutron said several independent studies confirmed that while global warming is caused mainly by humans, roughly 75% of that human input can be traced directly to the massive amounts of hot air Olbermann’s jowl-jiggling tirades generate during his sanctimonious political show.

Scientists had a unique opportunity to confirm the hypothesis during Olbermann’s contrived four-day suspension. While  Olbermann was banned from the MSNBC air waves for doling out cash to three of his favorite liberal politicians, Neutron said scientists noted an average daily decrease in carbon emissions of nearly 18,000 metric tons, or roughly what the nation of China puts out every day.

“This was similar to the empirical opportunities to measure the effects of contrails after commercial aviation was suspended in the wake of 9-11,” explained Neutron. “The data really are impeccable.”

Olbermann emits a carbon-heavy outburst of hot air.

Scientists will work closely with MSNBC to convince them to permanently remove the overrated sportscaster-turned-political-pundit, known as much for his billowing jowls, pearly whites and the ridiculously large spectacle frames that somehow manage to stand out among the leviathan features of his facial landscape as he his for any original political insight.

“We think if we sit Keith down and talk him through the numbers, he’ll understand that as passionate as he his about the need to stop global warming, he’ll accept that the way he can really help us is to step to the sidelines,” said Neutron.

“If he does that, everyone can get a Hummer and we’ll still be ahead. It’s a win-win.”



Applying the development to enhance the casual cyber meat market in which instant sexual gratification is enjoyed among amateur peers would hardly raise an eyebrow and was not only predicted, but expected, noted Dr. Barium Legrub, a professor at the University of West Hollywood who specializes in involuntary sexual aggression.

A starlet prepares to share some face time.

“Are iPhone owners looking for the sexual release they deserve going to stick with one-handed typing, VOIP and clunky Web cams when they can upgrade to this and simultaneously see each other, talk to each other, do everything but touch and smell each other? Of course not. This a much more wholesome experience,” Legrub said.

“It’s the adoption of FaceTime by the professional sex industry that is causing such a stir,” he added.

Legrub was referring to the rapid move by the adult entertainment industry to equip their starlets with FaceTime-enabled iPhones.

“This will take our industry to a new level,” boasted Anode Hug, who owns an adult sex-chat company called Clams and Worms. “Until now, the flow of visual information has been one-way – from our tricks, using Web cams, out to our johns.

“One thing we’ve heard – time and again – from our customers is that, as much as they enjoy watching our girls, they’re still left with a sense of longing, a sense that something’s missing, and that stems from their overwhelming desire – a need, really – to not only watch, but to be watched.

“They want to share their bodies as well, they want to participate. They know that financial sexual transactions should be as much about giving as taking. I think that says a lot about the integrity of our customers, and we’re just so pleased we can use this technology to make them hole, or whole even.”

Legrub added that video-enabled sex chats will also allow him to increase prices by 50 to 100 percent. “Our prices reflect demand, and demand is only going up,” he said.

But not everyone shares his enthusiasm. Several girls that work for him and for his competitors have stepped forward, claiming that porn applications of FaceTime have caused a dramatic deterioration in working conditions and, sometimes, outright health hazards. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) isinvestigating.

“Workers have the right to a safe workplace,” said OSHA spokesperson Mildred Coldshower. “Clearly, the introduction of two-way video conferencing to the sex chat industry threatens that right.”

Coldshower said the agency had received nearly 1,000 complaints in the first week of FaceTime-enabled sex chats. The complaints came from “every adult entertainment company in this country that offers the service,” she said.

“Before, when the video stream was just one way, the girls were insulated from the profound repulsiveness of the miscreants who pay for sex chats,” explained Coldshower. “Now, many have reported nausea, vomit unrelated to fetish fulfillment, and even entering a state of shock.

“For example, one girl signing in for work found herself virtually face-to-face with a nude, 700-pound man sitting on a toilet. He had devised some sort of spelunking hat and had affixed his iPhone to it so he could go ‘hands free’ and still be in the shot. She’s now undergoing industrial-grade counseling.”

Another, she added, began her shift, signed on with a long-time preferred customer using FaceChat for the first time, and realized to her horror that the client was her father.

“She was doubly distraught,” said Coldshower. “She said her father is likely to cut her allowance now that he realizes she’s gainfully employed.”

Until OSHA completes its investigation, though, the industry is free to continue expanding its video-chat services. The investigation is expected to conclude by October in order to avoid uncertainty going into the busy holiday season.

Originally posted 2010-07-30 14:08:37. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“We’re human, and we’re not above making mistakes,” Jobs announced during a hastily-scheduled press event on Friday afternoon. “But we are always cooler at it than the competition. So who cares?”

Successful after 16 hours of waiting in the pouring rain, hipster Cody Franklyn of Marysville winces as the required AT&T contract is applied from behind.

Jobs was originally on the defensive as Apple fortunes changed dramatically in what was looking to be a blockbuster  year for the Cupertino company. Even while hundreds millions of excited new iPad owners worldwide are still trying to figure out exactly what the valid purpose of their new gadget is, the antenna problems experienced with Apple’s new iPhone 4 have resulted in bad press and concerns for stock holders.

The launch of the iPhone 4 began as one would expect with any new Apple product, with thousands of hipsters leaving their parents basements to camp on the sidewalks outside suburban malls to be among the first to claim extreme snobbery with the latest Apple gadget. However, it soon became clear that while Apple had achieved new heights in eye-popping design and elitist fashion, they failed to verify that it could actually be used as a phone.

Apple has invested $100 million in their antenna testing facility, which now bears its own logo.

In a move that market analysts are calling “brilliant”, Jobs accused customers of holding the phone too tightly, and recommended the more limp-wristed grip generally associated with Apple product users. When this proved ineffective, Jobs hastily put together a press brief on Friday and launched the new iPad mini. “Now you can do all of the things that you think you might do on the iPad, but you can do them smaller,” Jobs exclaimed to cheers from the loyal crowd.

One of the attendees applauding Jobs was twenty-two year old iBrandon Markley (who legally added the “i” to his first name two weeks after he purchased his first iPhone). “I just knew it was all part of the bigger picture, a master plan,” said Markley, sporting stylish 60s throwback “skinny” pants, freshly tousled hair à la Beck, and a Toyota Prius with the ubiquitous (and ridiculous) symbol-spelled “COEXIST” bumper sticker. “That’s why he is a gazillionaire and I am still paying my mom back for $1,200 I put on her Visa for apps.”

Jobs concluded his presentation saying, “We’re not getting out of the phone business. We’re spending $100 million on antenna design, and putting a web page out with artistic and futuristic looking photos to impress you all. We are confident that when we release our next product, we will continue to find tattooed and pierced masses waiting outside of our stores on release date.”

Apple, which will launch retail sales of the feverishly awaited product on April 3, has been struggling to meet preorder demands and today officially postponed the shipment date for such orders until April 12.

However, it now insists the delay is not due to logistical blunders, as many experts had suspected, but rather the complexity of the technological innovations required to upgrade the iPad to a fully functional feminine napkin.

Steve Jobs, the mock-turtleneck-clad CEO of the company, said during a press conference that most customers would understand and even welcome the delay as a satisfactory tradeoff allowing the debut of the E-Sanitary Napkin.

“We thought we had a great grasp on making the iPad waterproof – or I should say liquid proof,” said Jobs. “But this is a complex task. There are many other considerations as well, including extreme temperature variations and considerations for odor and bacteria resistance.”

During the press conference, Jobs announced that he was himself currently wearing a prototype iPad feminine napkin, which, he added, could also be used as a “generalized adult diaper” that would also be “perfectly capable of tackling poopy pants.”

“Ever been on a 10-hour flight in coach? I haven’t, but my handlers tell me it can be a real pain to fight your way to the bathroom. Why bother?

“These would also be real lifesavers the next time you’re camped out with a bunch of other losers to wait in line to pay a 500% markup on an Apple product just so you can say you were first,” he added before a scantily clad, 20-something Mass Communications major bounced on stage and whispered something in his ear.

“But, just as with our other lifestyle devices, switching applications is as simple as one, two three,” continued Jobs after a brief pause, slipping something that looked like a padded table mat from beneath his britches. He then revealed that the device was actually a flexible, absorbent version of the iPad.

A model demonstrates side-saddle usage of the iPad with optional iColostomy upgrade package.

“Look – complete electronic functionality in addition to being 343% more absorbent than cotton,” he said, punching on an interactive screen that lit up upon activation.

“Ladies, you can do this on the subway in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” he said. “Just wring it out first so the screen is more legible – that way, it’s also ready to absorb more discharge when you dock it again. And if we’re dealing with more substantial, solid waste, we just have to wipe it down a bit more vigorously – the device is also stain resistant, of course.”

Although iPads capable of serving double duty as sanitary napkins will cost $800 on top of the already ridiculously priced units, they will come with a special microfiber screen wipe that utilizes “seventh-generation” nanotechnology, which, Jobs noted, “would cost about $200 on their own. At least, that’s what we charge for them in our Apple stores.”

Originally posted 2010-03-29 13:46:44. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Our Newest Border Patrol Agent

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla.  – The Space Shuttle Atlantis launched yesterday, allegedly on a repair mission to extend the life of the Hubble Telescope. However, sources reveal that the mission actually intends radical modifications to the telescope, changing it into a powerful weapon in the fight against illegal immigration.

According to sources within NASA, Hubble has outlived its usefulness as a telescope over the past two decades. Other, more modern telescopes will continue astronomy research, but Hubble will turn its gaze away from the heavens and instead look upon Earth in its new mission safeguarding the freedoms of peace loving Americans. The Astronauts will allegedly claim a catastrophic failure of this weeks repair mission, while secretly reconfiguring the telescope to function as a powerful death ray.

In this configuration, the death ray will apparently collect space particles from unknown sources, convert them into a giant red beam which looks suspiciously light-like, and direct that beam toward earth-based targets. This giant ray gun has the ability to destroy targets of various sizes, including people, buildings, crops and vehicles, but for reasons yet unknown it cannot destroy Frito’s™ corn chips or Wilford Brimley. Highly classified documents show that unlike most bad science fiction, the ray does not vaporize its target. Instead, it reduces targets into what the Air Force has dubbed “Hubble Rubble.”

A collaborating source close to people who know high-level officials within the Immigration and Naturalization Service hinted that the Air Force/NASA would cede control of the Hubble Death Ray™ to INS to eradicate the flow of illegal aliens entering the country through our southwest border. Hubble could patrol the entire border from 350 miles out in space, and heat signatures of anyone crossing the border would be treated as probable cause for their permanent removal from, or addition to, US soil. When asked about due process for these people, the INS official allegedly laughed and indicated that he didn’t care because “illegal aliens can’t afford lawyers.”

Super-secret Plans for the new Hubble Death Ray™

An Air Force General who opposed the project indicated that the Bush Administration originally conceived the idea and sanctioned the Space Shuttle reconfiguration mission in late 2003. Repeated delays after the 2004 elections pushed the project back several times, until the shuttle finally launched yesterday. Allegedly, after the change of power in Election 2008, high-level Air Force officials, working in conjunction with the INS, chose to continue in an unsanctioned capacity rather than briefing President Obama about the redesigned telescope, largely due to the belief that the President is too much of a pantywaist to ever go along with such a scheme.

Hubble, which has been producing appealing images since 1991, is expected to smash those durn forn’rs on our southern border into little itty bitty pieces for the next 20 years. Its current functions as a telescope will be replaced by the James Webb Telescope, tentatively scheduled for launch in 2013. It too, will someday be reconfigured into a giant death-dealing weapon, possibly as soon as 2014.

David Leckrone, the NASA Senior Engineer in charge of the Hubble Program, denied the report, stating “the Hubble Telescope would continue to function as always. Sorry, people,” he continued, “It’s not a ray gun. It’s still just a really expensive point-and-shoot camera. It’s still just going to take pretty pictures of random space stuff in an attempt to drive internet traffic to www.nationalgeographic.com.”

Originally posted 2009-05-14 08:21:53. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Nuclear winter, like man-made global warming itself, is only a theory, but is widely accepted. Scientists say that in the aftermath of a nuclear exchange, massive amounts of the aerosolized remnants of incinerated buildings, people and vehicles would spew into the upper atmosphere and act like a giant sunscreen, greatly reducing the amount of heat that reaches earth.

While nuclear winter has traditionally been considered a terrifying ordeal that would kill off much of the life spared by the more immediate devastation wrought by shockwaves and radiation, Holdren sees new hope in its unique ability to chill the global climate.

“At first, we considered rather restrained approaches, like creating giant artificial volcanoes that would shoot light-reflecting pollution particles into the atmosphere,” said Holdren. “But we just can’t afford to limit our thinking to only the orthodox, the conservative, the safest approaches.”

“Nuclear winter is really just artificial volcanoes on a grander scale,” he added. “It’s not something we should reject out of hand.”

Holdren, who says he has buy in from the Pentagon, said the plan as he conceived it involves launching a “relatively small” salvo of nuclear missiles, probably “a few dozen at most.”

An early sticking point in his plan was the fact that the missiles would have to have real targets and not simply explode over undeveloped areas. “Unfortunately, you can’t just rely on vaporizing prairieland, desert or ocean areas,” said Holdren. “To maximize soot particles, you want lots of buildings, lots of vehicles, lots of people.”

The plan moved forward after former Vice President Al Gore delivered an emergency, seven-hour PowerPoint presentation to President Obama and members of his staff.

The good news, according to Holdren, is that even a small regional nuclear exchange could lower global temperatures for a decade or more. “All we’d need is about 20 modern nuclear bombs to be discharged, and we’d have a much cooler planet for a good while,” he said.

Holdren continued, “The annihilation of 20 cities around the world is a small price to pay for an end to global warming. As an added benefit, we could probably look forward to the loss of nearly 20 million human lives and hopefully hundreds of millions of animals. If you’re trying to reduce the carbon footprint, getting rid of the feet that produce them is a very efficient way to approach the problem.”

Holdren refused to speculate which 20 cities would be targeted, saying that was a political issue, not a scientific one, “as long as they are major cities and not the one I live in. My research must carry on.”

A Pentagon spokesman wouldn’t confirm the targets either, but did say the administration had pledged to the U.N. that it would turn its nuclear salvo on at least eight major American cities.

Whitehouse Spokesman Robert Gibbs confirmed the Pentagon’s statement, adding, “This will concretize our pledge to bear our rightful share of the sacrifices needed to return the world from the brink of global warming.

Gibbs said “many cities” in Western Europe would be targeted as well, leaving only a “handful, probably two or three” that would be targeted in the developing world. “We don’t think it’s fair to ask the folks who have been producing the lowest amount of CO2 to take on as much of this challenge as the industrialized world,” he said.

Sometimes, you really can fight fire with fire.

“Sadly, though, we needed to target a few third-world cities in order to get a uniform distribution of soot particles around the globe. But the United States stands ready with prepared disaster-relief rescue packages for each of the third-world targets.”

Once the plan receives final sign off by President Obama, Gibbs said it will be enacted immediately and without warning. “We need all the folks in the targeted cities to go about their daily routines until they are vaporized,” he said. “That’s the only way to ensure we get enough soot particles up there in the sky to create a proper cooling effect.”

Gibbs did confirm one specific detail. Washington will not be among the targets.

Originally posted 2009-04-14 20:53:38. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

But until the latest version of the iPhone, which is scheduled for release this summer, one thing remained beyond the ability of the device – the copying, cutting and pasting of text. Even as the device boasted increasing layers of add-ons such as GPS receivers, interactive fondue menus, virtual pets, soft-porn Japanimation renderers and countless other hi-tech toys, Apple engineers struggled to master one of the industry’s oldest technologies.

The latest iPhone boasts a host of new features, many of them useless

Nate Miles, Apple’s junior vice president for applied iPhone technology, said it was “not obvious” to his staff of engineers how to solve the cut-and-paste problem. “It’s one thing to offer your users the ability to run a physics engine that can simulate water draining out of a rain barrel, or to give them a phone that can shuffle songs simply with a carefree, masturbatory motion of the hand. Figuring out how to make a bunch of unformatted, neutral-font letters disappear from one  screen and reappear in another, at the user’s command? That was tough.”

So tough, in fact, that rival companies accuse Apple of sending industrial spies to their facilities in a desperate attempt to capture the elusive technology.

“We had several employees here last year who were suspicious from the get go,” said Jake Desantis, under-director of keystroke technologies for Research in Motion, maker of the Blackberry line of smartphones.  “I remember we were all sitting around having a discussion about how absurdly unrealistic it is that every character in Hollywood movies is using a Mac. They were the only guys who weren’t laughing.”

Desantis says that his suspicions were further confirmed when one of the employees was audited by the company’s IT department. “For one solid week – 40 hours, not counting overtime – all he did was cut and paste text on one of our test models.”

Similar charges have been leveled by other iPhone competitors, including Palm, Inc., maker of Palm Pilot, Treo and Centro devices. Stephanie Condon, assistant vice president for anti-corporate espionage, confirmed her company also dismissed several suspicious employees around the same time as Research in Motion. According to Condon, these “stool pigeons” were obsessed with copying and pasting text and lingered at the facility’s labs long after others had gone home.

“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that shortly after these characters leave Research in Motion, Palm and other companies that ‘presto’ – Apple figures out how to copy and paste,” said Johnny Blanchard, a corporate security expert who follows the industry and agreed to speak on the record for a fee. “There’s no question in my mind that Apple is using stolen technology on their third-generation iPhone.”

While Blanchard admitted that the allegedly stolen technology could as easily have been attained via public-domain channels “starting around 1986,” he believes the fruit-named company’s actions were in “bad taste.”

“If it wouldn’t cost more in lawyers than they’d gain in a settlement, I’d urge them to sue Apple,” he added.

The newest iPhone should hit stores in June.

Originally posted 2009-03-25 20:08:20. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The outrage stems from NASA’s failure to delay the launch despite the bat’s presence on one of the shuttle’s external fuel tanks.

“I’ve heard of people setting up barbecues, you know, and camping out for the space ship launchings and the like. But a bat? Using that blast furnace of a gas gobbler to cook it? Appalling!” said Nattering Poe, self-proclaimed ‘spokestestor’ for PETA, the protest’s organizer.

“Might as well call it ‘Eastern Sizzler’, I mean, come on!”

Yuck Combover, a witness to the launch had a different take on things.

“Awesome!” bellowed Combover, an FSU student and rabid launch fan, “It was like ‘Batman Ends’, get it? ‘The Dark Meat Knight’, right?”

He then burst out into uncontrollable laughter and was swiftly struck in the face by a protest sign that read ‘Bats are People Too.’

Triumph of man or critter cooker? You decide.

NASA’s response?

“The animal did not pose any threat to the crew or the mission,” said Clipboard Buttons, Terrestrial Beast Chief for NASA. “Everything was a go…and it went.”

He, too, was struck by the same protest sign.

PETA plans a memorial service for the flying rodent, but has yet to set a date.

Originally posted 2009-03-19 08:32:02. Republished by Blog Post Promoter