Specter's recently updated U.S. Senate photo

In the course of his long political career, Sen. Arlen Specter has been a Democrat, then a Republican, and most recently, a Democrat again. Now, having lost the Democratic party primary in the Pennsylvania senate race, Specter has announced he is changing parties once again, this time to the New Black Panther Party.

“It appears that the white race has deserted me,” said Specter, who appeared in black-face yesterday in front of the New Black Panther Party headquarters in Dallas, Texas. “But the good news is, I have found a new home where I truly belong. And it is here with my bruthas,” said Specter, who then assumed the classic rap pose of folded arms, pouting lips, and a down-the-nose glare at the assembled press.

Malik Zulu Shabazz, Chairman of the NBPP, was also in attendance. “We welcome our newest member to the righteous cause of freeing our enslaved black people from the bonds of tyranny,” said Shabazz while introducing the newly browned Specter. “He understands the plight of the disinfranchised opportunist, and to that we can relate. Plus, he’s got a lot of campaign cash left over.”

Specter appeared at the conference flanked on each side of the podium by NBPP commandos dressed in the iconic NBPP attire of black beret, sunglasses, camouflaged pants, and malignant expressions. “For far too long I, and my black bruthas, have endured the chains of oppression, aggression, and repression foisted upon us by the greedy white man,” said Specter, while Shabazz nodded approvingly at the well-delivered afro-centric consonance. “And for far too long I have been forced to choose between either getting elected, or instead courageously adhering to a coherent and steady moral philosophy even in spite of negative polling data,” he said.  “But in the New Black Panther Party I have found a place where the notions of rational argument and defensible philosophy are shunned in favor of reflexive over-emotional rhetoric and whatever-it-takes power-grabbing. I fit right in.”

One reporter asked Shabazz during a Q&A why NBPP was endorsing a white man, but immediately received a pistol whip to the back of the head from one of the NBPP henchman for his trouble. “What are you talking about, cracker? Can’t you see he’s a black man?” No further questions were asked by attending press members.

However, it appears that not all black leaders are pleased with Specter’s switch. “It’s disgraceful, he’s nothing but an Uncle Tom,” said black activist and former presidential candidate, Al Sharpton, yesterday. “He may be black, but he ain’t on the side of the black man. In fact, he’s miscegenatin’ with a white woman! And I think it’s Sarah Palin!” In a possibly related occurrence, Sharpton later that night was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital after being pistol-whipped in the head. Police have not identified any suspects, but believe the injury was inflicted by a NBPP henchman, or possibly Sarah Palin.

Specter’s immediate political plans are murky, but he hinted that a presidential run is not out of the question. “This country needs a black president. And it’s high time it got one,” he said. “And don’t talk to me about what’s-his-name. He don’t count. Can’t grow up in Hawaii and Indonesia and call ya self a black man. Gotta know the ‘hood. Like me, ’cause I fought for my bread in the mean streets of Wichita. I wasn’t pickin’ pineapples on some beach.”

Whether Specter’s new allegiance pans out, only time will tell. But at least one person thinks the politician has finally jumped the shark. “It’s crazy, whoring yourself out to any group that will have you just to advance your career, no matter the extent to which it compromises your integrity, or hurts your family,” said famous reality mom, Kate Gosslin. “It’s disgusting.”

UPDATE!

Early this morning, an NBPP spokesman disclosed that the organization has learned that Specter is Jewish. Coincidentally, Specter has been missing since mid-morning when he departed in his car for a NBPP fundraiser, at which he reportedly never arrived. Specter’s family states that at around 10:00 a.m. he left in his car, a newly-purchased 1974 Cadillac Seville with 4-inch white walls and a vanity plate that reads “FITE Y-T”. Authorities have asked anyone with information on Specter’s whereabouts to contact their local police.

Developing . . .

Originally posted 2010-06-04 10:07:13. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Exclusive! Obama fliming a screen test of potential Travel Channel show

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, announced at a press briefing this morning that President Obama is mulling resigning the presidency in favor of hosting his own show on The Travel Channel.

“The presidency has offered the President unparalleled opportunity to explore his true passion: travel – or more specifically, vacationing,” said Gibbs. “The Travel Channel contacted him just after, what was it, vacation number four? and pitched a new show with the President as host. Obviously, the President will weigh this offer very carefully.”

Since entering office, President Obama has taken six vacations in less than 20 months, including his latest last week at Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts.  He has also logged 47 [update] 48 rounds of golf.

Later in the morning, press pool reporters following the President during his jaunt to the famous New England island asked if he was seriously considering resigning.

“Let me be clear,” said the President. “My backswing is still not where it should be, and I haven’t been to Yellowstone yet. So I have not made up my mind. Plus, I’m not sure even a travel show could match the vacation opportunities I enjoy as president.”

Details of the proposed show have slowly leaked out to the press. As host of the show (the working title of which is currently “Left-Wing Leisure Log with Barack”), the President will demonstrate the secrets of vacationing on someone else’s dime, such as avoiding hotel mini-bar fees by blaming missing booze on the previous room occupant.

“I think over the past couple of years I’ve really honed my craft,” Obama told reporters while setting up his tee for the 8th hole at the Vineyard Golf Club at Martha’s Vineyard. “Every month I get a little better. I pick better hotels, I find better restaurants,” said the President as he lined up his shot. “I’ve developed an eye for spotting the best aspects of a particular travel destination,” he said, as he awkwardly swung into a vicious slice to the left.

“Sure, there are those who will say I don’t have the experience, or that I’m too new to the industry. But they are merely obstructionists attempting to thwart my travel itinerary. I fully believe that I’ve packed more exciting and fulfilling trips into my short time in office than the average American will experience in his lifetime. And I haven’t even appointed my new Vacation Czar yet!”

Gibbs agreed. “There has never been a savvier president then this one when it comes to vacation planning. As a matter of fact, he arranged a splendid retreat for my family in the Catskills that was absolutely superb. Very relaxing. The man really knows his way around Expedia.”

When asked if President Obama should be more focused on the duties of being president – even if he intends to resign, or only serve a single term – Gibbs merely chuckled, then sat down cross-legged behind the podium and played his Game Boy.

Mr. and Mrs. Obama find themselves trapped at a gate in Martha's Vineyard. Secret Service members freed the First Couple 90 minutes later

Other world leaders agree that Obama’s travel acumen is high enough to qualify him as a travel host.

“He revealed my own country to me in a manner that was both informative and entertaining,” said former British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. “He took me to a lovely Armenian restaurant in Chelsea which I’d never noticed before. The food was delicious, reasonably priced, and Mr. Obama’s post-dinner review was, of course, articulate and enticing. Plus, he managed to get the diners at the next table to pay for it.”

A spokesman from The Travel Channel confirmed that the network has indeed offered the President the gig, and is awaiting his decision. He also said, however, that the original concept would have partnered Barack with another host. “Early on, we thought about pairing him with a co-host. However, Sarah Palin balked at the pay cut. Plus, I think Obama was a little put off that she had more travel experience than he did.”

The President says that regardless of whether or not he accepts the offer, he expects the future holds many more vacations for the First Family. “You don’t have to wait until you’re 65 to live like you’re retired, know what I mean?”

Asked what was up next on his travel radar, Obama said, “I know I should probably be heading to South Korea to discuss the deteriorating diplomatic conditions of the Korean peninsula, or to Russia to discuss the Iranian nuclear build-up, but I’m just not interested in those destinations. Instead, I’m heading to Provence to tour of some really exquisite wineries, and perhaps scout some upscale bed and breakfasts. Who knows,” the President said with a wink, “maybe the trip will make it on TV.”

Originally posted 2010-08-31 15:24:34. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“There are a number of very serious, very grave concerns about this particular dog,” said Trump during a press conference he called during the press conference he called to vigorously defend his months-long crusade impugning Obama’s U.S. citizenship.

“Number one, the dog is Portuguese,” Trump declared. “What does that mean? Why, in this down economy, does the president have to outsource his pet?

“I mean, where was Bo born? Brazil? Portugal? Guinea-Bissau? Does he even speak English?

“And, by the way, I have a lot of friends in Brazil, I do a lot of business in Portugal. It’s nothing personal – I even speak a little Spanish. But this is America, and the American people deserve to know if Bo has received the vetting required to allow him to hold such a sensitive and important position to our nation as First Pet.”

Donald Trump fends off pesky logical questions during a blustery presser.

At the very least, Trump insisted, the president should turn over Bo’s vaccination records. “I looked this up,” he said. “In Washington, D.C., dogs must have licenses proving they are up to date on annual distemper and rabies shots. As a show of good faith, the president should at least produce these immediately, but I won’t rest until he also produces Bo’s long-form birth certificate, which is really the area of greater concern from a national-security perspective.”

When told birth certificates and citizenship laws don’t apply to animals, Trump replied, “The sooner we can move past this, the sooner we can attack the real issues. I’m the only one with the guts to bring up the trivial issues so we can move past them and get to the real ones.

“Just think – if I hadn’t pursued the issue of the president’s birth certificate for all these months, we would have prematurely dealt with actual problems. That kind of waste won’t stand – not on my watch.”

His designer spectacles were unharmed.

The attack occurred when O’Donnell confronted Rove during a speech he delivered at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. During his remarks, Rove excoriated the Tea Party favorite for her questionable financial maneuvers, which include appropriating more than $20,000 in campaign funds to pay rent and other personal bills, and for the “nutty things,” she has said, among them her reference to witchcraft.

Is that a pentagram in the background, or just the Stars and Stripes?

“We all heard a strange noise from the sky, like a cackling sound,” said Justin St. Protestant, a student at the university. “I looked up, and there’s a woman on a broomstick flying in. If I hadn’t listened to the Harry Potter books on tape, I think I would have been in a state of shock.”

According to witnesses, after landing, O’Donnell rushed up to Rove, pointed a wand at him and began accosting him, first in English, then in an unknown tongue.

“She yelled ‘You want people to see witchcraft in a sympathetic light? How’s this?’ and then started chanting. There was a flash of light from the wand and Karl was gone, replaced by a giant, fat toad, icky!” said Ashley Funstudent, a pre-med major at the university.

Earlier, on “Fox News Sunday,” Rove had irritated Team O’Donnell when he urged the Republican insurgent to “explain it [her witchcraft] and put it in its most sympathetic light and move on.”

Rove was reacting to a replay of O’Donnell’s 1999 appearance on “Politically Incorrect” during which she admitted to having “dabbled into [sic] witchcraft” but stressed that she had never formally joined a coven.

During the same appearance, she said one of her first dates had taken place on an altar that, unbeknownst to her, was of the satanic variety.

It remains unclear if non-satanic altars form a regular part of O’Donnell’s dating habitat.

Despite his forced metamorphosis into a toad, Rove continued his speech and even took questions from the audience of dozens that were assembled to hear him, according to campus security officials.

“Beyond the first row, no one could really tell anything had happened, because it really didn’t change his look that much,” said one security officer who insisted on anonymity because he didn’t want to be associated with disparaging remarks about the former mastermind of George W. Bush’s policies.

Members of the school’s biology department were summoned afterward to help classify the toad, but the results were only partially conclusive.

“We know it’s a noxious toad, but we think we’re looking at a novel species,” said Dr. Timothy Crotchfly, senior herpetologist of the school’s Amniotes Studies program.

For her part, O’Donnell made a quick escape following her conjuring, mounting her broomstick and jetting away.

State and federal officials are reviewing the incident but sources in several departments say it’s unclear if any laws were broken.

A spokesman for Rove would only offer this: “Now when people call Karl cold-blooded, it really won’t be an insult anymore, so take that.”

Photo reveals life-sized garden gnome hiding Martin Luther King's name. Photo courtesy of Hillary Clinton, who was enjoying the desk while Obama was on vacation.

In a shocking new development, President Obama has been accused of a brazen scheme to cover up an executive blunder of historic proportions.

White House interior designer, Jean-Jacques de Renault, claims that Obama has purposefully altered his design for the Oval Office, which was given a makeover last month, as part of an unsettling plot to deceive the American public.

“Zee Commander in Chief is a Commander in Thief!” said the Montreal-born de Renault. “I was commissioned to create a stunning and fabulous work space for zee president. And I did just zat! But now he has altered it. He has spat a giant loogee upon my design.”

In particular, de Renault is apoplectic over alterations the President has made to the rug emblazoned with the Presidential seal that serves as the room’s focal point. In addition to the seal, Obama commissioned the rug to feature several of the President’s favorite quotes from historical figures, including “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice,” which Obama attributes to Martin Luther King, Jr. on the rug.

The problem is that the quote actually originated from Theodore Parker, an American reformer who died in 1860. Worse, during the 2008 presidential campaign, when Obama was routinely referencing the quote, several prominent bloggers had pointed out Obama’s attribution error, including a high profile post in the Houston Chronicle.

Now, it appears that the President’s glaring mistake will be fixed for posterity in White House carpet fibers for years. But that is not what has riled the cranky Canadian designer.

“He made a meestake, eet happens, you know?” said de Renault, “but zee way he has chosen to feex it? ZAT is what I cannot tolerate!”

The “fix” to which de Renault refers is featured in the photo accompanying this story. Rather than admit to the mistake, the President is apparently attempting to hide it. Last week, a giant garden gnome appeared in the Oval Office, conspicuously placed to cover Martin Luther King’s name, which follows the Parker quote.

“He has completely ru-eened the Feng Shui!” de Renault shrilly screamed. “The insolence and arrogance of zees man is unparalleled, even by French-Canadian standards!”

Obama quickly responded to de Renault’s accusation in typical fashion. “I inherited that garden gnome from the previous administration. I’m just trying to make do with what was left for me,” the President said while packing his suitcase for a trip to Bermuda. “Look, let me be clear, there are those who would look at that plant and say ‘No, you can’t put that Sky Miles-quality decoration in the Oval Office.’ But I say, ‘Yes, I can.’ And I also say ‘hope.’ And ‘change,’ too. Which makes perfect sense; I ‘hope’ that my ‘change’ to the décor works. I think you’ll agree with me it does. Adds a splash of color, don’t you think?”

At a White House press briefing later in the day, White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, was asked if the President has any reaction to the mis-attributed quote.

“The President is aware that there are certain racist undertones to some historians. It’s clear what’s happening here is a concerted effort to deprive Martin Luther King of his legacy,” said Gibbs.

When one reporter pointed out that even Martin Luther King correctly cited the quote as originating from Parker, Gibbs said “What quote?” and pulled out a Super Soaker from behind the podium and commenced spraying the assembled press with what is hoped to have been merely lemonade.

De Renault continues to demand that the President remove the lawn ornament from the Oval Office, if for no other reason than to prevent negative energy from further affecting his decision-making. “He ees playing with fire, zees man. You must respect the Chi. I have zeen it happen before. I designed a delicious office space for Janeane Garofalo. However, she decided to alter zee space with a full-size movie poster from ‘The Truth About Cats and Dogs.’ Now look at her. Her complexion has gone from pale to pasty, and she can only speak gibberish. I even think it caused her eyebrows to double in size.”

However, the President seems poised to stand by his decision. Responding to a press pool reporter as he was ascending the Air Force One stairs, the President said “I have nothing to fear. In fact, I believe it was Malcolm X who said–“ but was cut off as Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, lunged into the back of the President, knocking him into the aircraft and out of the path of additional questions.

AG, Eric Holder, seen after sampling Guzman's other "gift" to the DOJ

Only a day after the announcement that a wealthy Wyoming man has donated $1.5 million to help the state of Arizona defend legal challenges to its immigration enforcement law, the Justice Department announced it has also received a contribution supporting its lawsuit against the state.

According to a press release issue by the DOJ, Mexican drug lord, Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, has matched Timothy Mellon’s gift with 1.5 million pesos of his own.

“We are just thrilled to accept Mr. Guzman’s financial support,” said Attorney General, Eric Holder. “The staff has been high-fiving each other all day. Take THAT, Governor Brewer!”

Guzman is a well-known drug kingpin in Mexico, and with the capture of cartel leader, Edgar Valdez Villarreal, he is arguably now the most powerful. But according to DOJ officials that is irrelevant, because he “get’s it.”

“This is a man who understands the danger of Arizona’s recently passed law,” Holders said. “He can see the potential for abuse. He just gets it. Here is a man with regular contacts on both sides of the, quote-unquote, ‘border,’ a man who interacts with Americans and Mexicans every day. And he’ll tell you: discrimination based on nationality has no place in his business, and it should have no place in the business of Arizona. So to have him in our corner is really, we think, a testament to the legitimacy of our case.”

Asked whether the DOJ had any reservations about accepting a donation from a known criminal, Holder said, “Absolutely not. When it comes to the reprehensible and intolerable inconvenience of being asked for an ID card, what’s a little blow, or a little weed, or a little smack, or a little X? Drug trafficking is trivial compared to the inhuman, barbarous practice of carding.”

After recovering from a spit-take involving her Diet Coke, Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, stated that she isn’t surprised by the contribution, but she thinks the DOJ will be when they learn a peso is worth less than one-tenth of a U.S. dollar. “In a legal fight of this scope and stature? They’ll probably burn through that just by holding a press conference. Hell, we’ll just file a simple motion for extension of time tomorrow, and that’ll be that.”

Brewer’s comments about the peso-to-dollar ratio were repeated to Holder at a press conference he organized later in the day. “I don’t think that’s true … I mean, that can’t- … Did you know about this?” he demanded of one of his aids flanking the podium. “Well, then let me just say this: if there are any other sympathetic drug cartels, human traffickers, sex slave tradesmen, black market organ dealers, or prescription drug smugglers in Mexico who are equally appalled by Arizona’s blatant attempt to protect its citizens at the expense of the convenience of others, then please contact the DOJ to learn how you can help.”

Speaking at a White House press briefing, White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said the DOJ shouldn’t be so concerned, though. “The value of the dollar will surely drop to banana republic levels by the time the suit is completed, so I’d just advise them to drag the thing out and wait.”

Gibbs refused to say whether the administration had solicited donations from any other crime groups, and instead plugged his ears and repeated “I’m not listening to you” over and over again.

At least one person, however, did not need Holder’s entreaty before deciding to contribute. Pop star, Lady Gaga, announced this morning that she would throw her celebrity weight behind the cause. Observers say this is no surprise, given her rant against the measure during a concert in Arizona last month in which she said, apparently seriously, “I will hold you, and we will hold each other, and we will peaceably protest [Arizona].” Her protest, though, has been largely ineffective given her fans generally aren’t keen on any event unrelated to Project Runway.

The possible hermaphrodite did say she intends to auction a few articles of her Versace-meets-Tron wardrobe to support the DOJ legal fund. However, a Sotheby’s representative stated that the auction house has already decided against hosting the auction. “No one employed here is willing to actually handle clothing that has been worn by Ms. Gaga, at least not without a bio-suit. Perhaps she could try Craigslist?”

Originally posted 2010-09-03 15:35:04. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“The President’s approval numbers are tanking, and last I checked, I think mine are in the one’s,” said Pelosi. “That alone is enough to raise suspicion.”

House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, describes the breadth of the conspiracy she claims has led to low polling numbers

According to a Pelosi aide, the House Speaker is deeply troubled by the fact that polled Americans, by an ever increasing majority, find both President Obama’s policies and her insufferable personality off-putting.

Said the aide, “[Obama] is the first black president, and Nancy is the first female Speaker of the House. That automatically should equate to approval. Everybody knows that protected status is the number one factor for determining competence and likability. For polls to reveal something contrary? I mean, c’mon. No one can be universally despised, can they? So, yes we think that something is rotten in the state of Nebraska. And Arkansas. And Wisconsin. And all the other fly-over hillbilly enclaves that have turned on us.”

Pelosi told MSNBC’s sapphic sycophant, Rachel Maddow, that criticism of her policies demands immediate action. “We need to investigate all Americans. I want to know who is funding the American people. Where are they getting the money to exercise such rude objections? Who is sponsoring them?” she said. “I know they aren’t making money in this economy, so there has to be another explanation. Frankly, I’m fairly certain it’s the NRA and perhaps Rush Limbaugh.”

Maddow added, “And probably the Ku Klux Klan,” which led to a passionate girl-on-girl embrace (and the first ratings bump MSNBC has enjoyed since the late 90s).

When asked what sort of investigation she is proposing, the Speaker replied, “Anything and everything. Nothing is off the table. Bank records, tax records, even surveillance. Bottom line: We are too important to this country to be sidetracked by the insidious forces of grass roots activism that seek to supplant us from our rightful thrones– er, seats in the American government.”

Presidential Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, was asked at a White House press briefing whether the administration agreed that Obama’s falling job approval rating is dubious, and merits the intrusive investigation into each American that Ms. Pelosi is advocating.

“I think it’s pretty clear that something is amiss. I mean, it would take a presidential performance of such epic and catastrophic ineptitude to so quickly produce such shoddy numbers that … wait, strike that, next question please.” Gibbs, however, refused to respond to any more questions and instead spent the rest of the briefing shooting spit wads at the assembled press.

Later in the day, Ms. Pelosi spoke to a handful of reporters as she enjoyed the “Industrial Grade Scrape, Suck and Stretch” package at a Carmel, California spa.

Reclined in a leather chair, face covered in an avocado and green tea mask while a likely illegal immigrant massaged her toes, Pelosi spoke about why she thinks there is a conspiracy against her. “Jealously. I’ve had to work so hard to earn what I ha– OUCH! you slant-eyed c***! I told you to watch my corns!”

“Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yes. I have worked hard for everything I have. Finding the right tycoon. Getting him to ignore my grating personality, my eternally surprised brow, my softball-kneed chicken legs, my refusal to engage in any sexual activity that requires more than a square inch of my body come in contact with his … that didn’t just happen on its own. I had to put in the effort. It took quite a bit of bargaining and blackmail. But look at me now!” she said, as a spa technician plugged in a belt sander. “Basically, I think that if America knew the real me, they’d appreciate how much they owe me, and investigations would no longer be necessary.”

According to court documents, Mr. Carter has leveled several legal challenges to President Obama, including violation of intellectual property rights.

Jimmy Carter casts an evil eye towards President Obama during a prayer breakfast in D.C. last month

Said Carter’s attorney, Vincent Nortel, “Former President Carter is protected as a fictional character by common law trademark. President Obama’s striking likeness is clearly actionable. The very things that are most identifiable to Mr. Carter, [Obama] is stealing with impunity.”

When asked how trademark of a “character” could apply to Mr. Carter, a real person, Nortel replied, “Please. No one thinks Mr. Carter is for real.”

The suit also accuses President Obama of infringing upon Mr. Carter’s right of publicity – a privacy law tort that prohibits use of a celebrity’s name, image, or likeness for personal gain. “We haven’t exactly figured out how being like Jimmy Carter should ever lead to personal gain,” said Nortel, “but it worked for him, so we presume it will work for Obama. I’m sure there is a banana republic that will set him up in his later years to monitor supposedly democratic elections, which will lead to endless television appearances, not to mention the unwarranted overvaluation of an opinion that would normally merit the same amount of respect as the opinion of a cockroach.”

Robert Gibbs stated in a press conference today that the President flatly denies any wrongdoing. “I’m not sure how Mr. Carter can conclude that the President is encroaching on any right attached to his identity,” Gibbs said with typical smug incredulousness.

“I mean – besides overseeing administrations connected with exploding job losses, skyrocketing oil prices, weakening American influence and power in foreign affairs, capitulation to nut job Iranian leaders, mass dissatisfaction of administration policies among Americans including notable discontent from his own party, tanking job approval numbers, a laughing-stock vice-president who possesses the gravitas of a rodeo clown, and a deeply entrenched sense of malaise suffered by a population weary of perpetual economic bad news and an increasingly flaccid foreign policy, combined with zero faith in the administration’s ability to enact even a single measure that will contribute to reversing the country’s course from a pitiful but inexorable decline – the two have absolutely nothing in common.”

Gibbs then stormed from the room, but not before dashing through the press pool rows and stealing the pens of each of the attending reporters.

UPDATE:

Today, the Obama camp has filed a reply in the case and specifically has asked that George Bush be a named party to the case. Stated in the memorandum in support of its motion, Obama claims that “ [i]f anyone is to blame, it most surely is George Bush.” In a strange twist, Carter joined in the motion.

Former Vice President, Al Gore, preening before a night out on the town

“It starts off pretty deadpan,” said lead investigator, Paul Pearson. “You know, typical droning Al Gore stuff. It’s the reason why we didn’t release it until now. We just couldn’t force ourselves to sit through it. But by the end, he’s off the deep end. You’d think he was accusing her of betraying the country.”

A spokesperson for the former Vice President and failed candidate of at least three Presidential election counts said in a written statement that Gore denies the authenticity of the recording. “The issue is decided. There can be no more debate. It doesn’t matter that there is contradictory evidence, or suspicion of foul play,” read the statement.

Below is the full release of the transcript, with “W” as the “Woman” and “A” as Al Gore:

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[sound of phone picked up]
W:  Hello?
[sound of heavy breathing]
W:  Helllloooo??
A:  I’m very disappointed in you.
W:  Who is this?
A:  You should know that I can’t be toyed with.
W:  Is this Ben Stein?
A:  I — what? No! No, it’s not Ben Stein. Ben Stei– why in the world would you think–
W:  Cause you sound like Ben Stein. Or someone on quaaludes.
A:  Look, I haven’t been on quaaludes since 1974 when Tipper and I–
W:  OH! It’s you Al. Hey, I thought I told you not to call me any more, you freak.
A:  As I was saying, I’m very disappoint–
W:  Look, I told you I don’t want anything to do with you.
A:  Well, that’s unfortunate. You should know I’m a very powerful man –
W:  Phhhttt … You have man breasts.
A:  — and I could — seriously? That’s not very nice. You should show some respect, I’m old enough to be your father, young lady and–
W:  Ewwww!
A:  Now, there you go again, that’s not very polite.
M:  What’s not polite is you groping my ass with those praying mantis pinchers you call hands. Did you know you left a bruise, you pointy-fingered troll?
A:  I was just trying to– really? A bruise? [chuckles]. I AM pretty powerful aren’t I …
W:  No, you’re a flippin’ lunatic! I always thought you were ASEXUAL! But my friends said you’d eventually get around to making a move on me, and I thought “no way, that dude?” I thought they were full of it.
A:  Which friends? Do I know them? What else did they say about me?
W:  Ha! As if I’m tellin you.
A:  Well, I think if you had just given me a chance, you’d find that I’m quite the sexy gentleman–
W:  Really? REALLY?? C’mon, Al. Everyone saw you kiss that bloated wife of yours at the convention! It was horrifying! It looked like her face was being eaten by a giant number two pencil. Disgusting.
A:  What! That was a passionate embrace! Didn’t you see how I swept her up in my arms? Ya know, I could sweep you up in my arms the same way–
W:  Ugh! Quit it! Do you honestly think I would let you within two feet of me now, you, you–
A:  Now, let’s calm down here –
W:  — you freakin’ TIN MAN!!
A:  I was just — what? What did you call me? [louder] What did you just say?!?
W:  Tin man!
A:  Stop tha-
W:  TIN MAN!
A:  I said–
W:  TIN MAN! TIN MAN! TIN MAN!
A:  All right you little middle-class tart! That’s ENOUGH!
W:  [singing] If I only had a heaaaaaart…
A:  You’ve left me no choice! I told you I’ve got connections, you’re gonna pay for this! Nobody talks to me like this! I’ll have you taken care of, that’s right, put you in a … a … uhhh … a LOCKBOX! Yeah, a LOCKBOX! You see, right now you’re not in a lockbox, because the lockbox doesn’t exist, but there should be one, and there will be one, and you’ll be in that lockbox when I’m through with–
W:  Are you threatening me, you old geezer?
A:  Oh, it’s no threat! I’ll do it! And you know what? I’ll fill that lockbox with all kinds of nasty things, hydrofluorocarbons … and, and styrofoam cups … and, uh, incadescent lightbulbs! You’ll get WARMED to death! Slowly! And over time! But oh, yes! It WILL happen, and then you’ll say to yourself “gosh, he was right! I didn’t believe him, but it happened just like he said–”
W:  [laughing]
A:  What? You think that’s funny? You think I’m just making this stuff up? [shouting] I AM THE ALPHA MALE, BABY!!!
W:  [uncontrollable laughing]
A:  Stop laughing at me! Stop–
[sound of receiver being hung up followed by dial tone]
– hello? hello?

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Gore "persuading" an audience of global warming skeptics earlier this year

One of the woman’s friends is evidently the source of the recording. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she stated that more recordings are in her possession. “That was just the first one. He called several more times and was as clueless in all of them. It was weird, like he just couldn’t get over being rejected. It was as if he thought that the NEXT time he called her would be different, no matter how many times he was swatted down. Creepy, really, the way he denied reality.”

Police are still investigating the allegations. However, recently the alleged victim failed a lie detector test.

“Well, I’m not sure what to make of that,” said Pearson. “During the session, every time we asked her to describe the sexual advances he perpetrated on her, she just broke down. Not crying, mind you, but in hysterical fits of laughter. We think that may have skewed the results.”

While many complain that the Supreme Court is far too white, or too Catholic, or too male, Obama explained in a press conference that he instead felt the court was too gender-identifiable.

“Look,” said the President, “we’ve got these men and women on the court that we all knew from the start were men or women. Well, except for Sotomayor, but then she outed herself as a wise Latina woman. But who is representing this country’s androgynous population? Who will speak for ‘Pat’?” he said, referring to the recurring Saturday Night Live character portrayed as indistinguishable as male or female.

The response to Obama’s nominee has been mixed on both sides of the aisle.

“I thought we knew it was a she? She’s a lesbian, right?” said Democratic Senator, Patrick Leahy. “No,” disagreed fellow Democrat, Tom Harkin. “It’s clearly a he. I saw bulge. At least I think I saw bulge . . .oh don’t look at me like that, I meant his ADAM’S APPLE you twit!”

On the Republican side, Indiana Congressman, Mike Pence, couldn’t stop laughing long enough to provide W&E a response, but Senator Richard Boehner offered that “ be it man, woman, or mutant, we will oppose its nomination on the principled grounds that it’s crazy as a cuckoo clock.”

With curiosity boiling over, the Senate Judiciary Committee even altered the standard questionnaire that is completed by all prospective SCOTUS jurists prior to confirmation hearings. “We asked whether Kagan pees standing up, for instance,” said California Representative, Diane Feinstein. “Kagan responded ‘Yes.’ However, the nominee also complained of arthritic knees and finds sitting uncomfortable. So that was no help.”

Washington isn’t the only group exploring the new nominee’s status. Hollywood and the entertainment industry are also weighing in. For instance, the Indigo Girls and Sir Elton John have posted on their Twitter accounts which chromosomes Kagan possesses. While they came down with different answers, each agreed Kagan is homosexual. “He’s clearly a gay male, you can tell by his hands,” said John, while Indigo Girl, Emily Saliers (the redhead) countered that “she is most definitely a lesbian, of the stout variety. See the haircut?”

However, Anne Heche and Jodie Foster issued a joint statement declaring Kagan’s gender immaterial when judging the qualifications of a potential Supreme Court justice. “We condemn the discriminatory and offensive commentary being expressed about Kagan. What difference does it really make? Sometimes what you are on the inside is different than the outside, or vice versa, and sometimes you don’t know what’s on the inside until you explore the outside, or maybe you have to explore your insides before your outside catches up, or maybe you simply have no clue what’s inside OR outside but if you try enough things and meet enough people, something will just come to you.”

Congress stumped by SCOTUS nominee

On what kind of judge Kagan will make, experts claim it is impossible to tell given the dearth of material to examine. “Kagan’s legal philosophy is as indiscernible as Kagan’s gender,” said Constitutional scholar, Michael McFeely. “And who knows where she – or is it he? ugh – will fall on women’s issues, or men’s issues, or gay issues, or transgender issues, or … or on any issues, really. I’m not sure we can even rule out a special affinity for animal rights at this point,” McFeely shrugged.

The President, however, seemed unfazed by the rampant speculation surrounding his nominee’s legal stances, and his/her gender. “Kagan is qualified precisely BECAUSE of that ambiguity. Let me be clear – actually let me not be clear in this case, because I don’t think I can be clear, but the bottom line is Democrats should be happy to have a special interest represented on the court, even if we don’t know what that interest is, and the Republicans should be happy because Kagan represents the middle. Maybe not ideologically, but perhaps anatomically.”

Originally posted 2010-05-11 16:11:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter