The results, which were released today, include an executive summary that states in part, “Implicit in the hysterical public outrage over TSA pat-down procedures and so-called ‘nude’ body scans are the assertions A) The typical airline passenger possesses a physique attractive enough to be a target of unsolicited fondling or voyeurism in front of thousands of witnesses, including law enforcement, and B) Notwithstanding the thousands of witnesses and quality of passenger physique, TSA agents have an innate and apparently unique desire to fondle or lecherously peep at the typical airline passenger.

“The GAO’s exhaustive analysis of 23,714 airline passengers and 2,515 TSA agents concludes that both premises are patently false. Neither the supply side nor the demand side of the passenger genitalia dynamic can remotely support this overdone notion of ‘sexual assault,’ which is instead supported only by self-important posturing, wildly inflated perceptions of self esteem, simple paranoia, and, most commonly, a willfully specious substitution of spurious inconvenience claims for legitimate liberty or security concerns.

Really - he doesn't want to "touch your junk."

“In short, [double entendre intended] the ‘junk’ of the average airline passenger is as unpalatable to a TSA agent as it is to the rest of the general public, who, with the exception of unfortunate spouses and other close family members, wisely maintain a safe distance whenever possible from such biomass.”

Although the advanced imaging devices have been in place since 2007, the TSA began deploying them in greater numbers in March of this year. They are currently in place in 68 of the more than 450 airports in which the TSA operates.

Controversy over the enhanced TSA screening procedures came to a head last week [double entendre intended] when the latest social media gadfly arose from his lifetime slumber of unremarkable mediocrity to record his loud reprobation of a TSA agent attempting to complete the loathsome task of patting him down. He then posted it online with the ardent hope it would “go viral.”

Unfortunately but predictably, it did, and millions of viewers heard the agitator, John Tyner, declare, “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.”

Although his 15 minutes of fame will expire shortly, hordes of like-minded American consumers who share his creative imagination in inventing new rights on a seemingly daily basis have already rallied around the “don’t touch my junk” battle cry, prompting the GAO study.

“The study has a lot of great findings that support what we’ve been trying to say all along,” said an attorney for the TSA. “TSA agents already work in a bio-hazardous environment due to chronic close-in exposure to passengers removing their footwear. Their desire to see or touch the ‘junk’ of today’s mass-transit air traveler is substantially less than the passenger’s desire to undergo the procedure. No one wants this except for the terrorists.”

Originally posted 2010-11-18 17:13:49. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Cranked Tweeds, a passenger on board flight 175, was the first to alert the crew

WASHINGTON – Nine Muslim passengers were kicked off  AirTran Airways flight 175 from Washington, D.C., to Orlando, Fla. after their fellow passengers became alarmed over the group’s lack of a hangover the day after New Year’s Eve revelries.

Cranked Tweeds, a passenger on board the flight, said he and others in his group of 49 became suspicious of both the appearance and the behavior of the nine people as they boarded the aircraft.

“They was all clean pressed, like as if they had done showered the night before,” he slurred. “They was most definitely not hung over, which scared everybody. I mean, you don’t see that on hardly any AirTran flight, least of all on New Year’s Day.”

Tweeds said he rushed to alert cabin crew members, who in turn summoned the captain.

“Him got there right away,” Tweeds said of the captain. “Him handled it real good.”

AirTran Airways spokesman Hatched Snout confirmed that field sobriety tests were administered to most of the suspicious passengers. “When the tests failed to reveal any evidence of alcohol in their systems mere hours after the New Year was rung in, our worst suspicions were confirmed.”

DEA, ATF, FBI and local police forces were summoned to the aircraft and forcibly removed the group, which included an anesthesiologist, a lawyer, and their wives and children, ages two through seven.

Although a 15-hour interrogation ultimately revealed no direct plot against aviation safety, Snout stood by his airline’s actions. “Perhaps not being hung over on New Year’s Eve is not a direct threat to airline safety,” he conceded after being told of law enforcement’s findings, “but it is dangerously un-American and we commend our crew members for their vigilance.”

Originally posted 2009-01-02 13:08:53. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

'Tot Mom' mom herself a suspect?

“She seems to know an awful lot more about this case than even Casey [Anthony],” said Dick Surelock, a detective working on the case, who spoke on a condition of anonymity.

“It’s a high-profile case, and sometimes that means high-profile suspects.”

Chunk Mullets, a spokesman for the Casey Anthony defense team, lauded the announcement.

“It’s about time. It’s like we been saying all along: Casey’s innocent. Woo ha!”

FBI profiler and author of the best-selling true crime series “Everyone’s A Serial Killer Sometimes”, Hannibal Bundy isn’t surprised.

“Killers often like to share intimate knowledge of their crimes with the public. It gives them a sense of empowerment as well as a forum where they can bounce their ideas off others. They love feedback, particularly from the media. In Nancy’s case, we see someone who is already a part of the media and thus, even more empowered and awash in feedback.”

Suspicions were first raised when Grace began spending the majority of her show covering the popular Florida murder.  Grace garnered ‘person of interest’ status once her show became a seemingly non-stop source of information unknown to police.

“Ms. Grace’s obsession with Caylee, coupled by the constant praise of her own offspring, could be a sign of an outward projection of deep-seeded guilt,” said Bundy, who cautioned the analysis was purely speculative.

“I can’t know the true source of her pathology unless I have her on my couch.”

“So to speak,” he was quick to add.

Meanwhile, Grace is expected to meet with detectives in Orlando sometime next week.

Grace, best known for her breathlessly accusatory verbal screeds on overly-hyped legal cases, could not, surprisingly, be reached for comment.

However, a source close to the hawk-nosed harlot of hyperbole claims Grace is “delighted to be visiting Orlando.”

“She can’t wait to return to the scene, um, I mean, Sunshine State, where she vacations from time to time.”

Originally posted 2009-04-29 07:00:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The bovine surplus has been building amid crashing milk prices, reduced spending by consumers terrified by Great Depression 2.0 and shrinking demand for U.S. cheese, milk and butter abroad. Meanwhile, the cost of feeding cows has skyrocketed thanks to rising corn and alfalfa prices, which continue to be bolstered by the belated ethanol craze.

“In this economy, it just don’t make no sense to keep so many cows alive,” said Culotte Tarter, a foreman at one of the largest dairy factory farms in California. “But unfortunately, there ain’t no way to get milk from a dead cow. Believe me, we done tried.”

However, in a piece of good news for the beleaguered dairy industry, there is at least one thing that can be obtained from dead cattle: meat. That idea, says Label Impasse, R.D., M.Ed., a spokesperson with the National Dairy council, came to the organization “almost like an epiphany.”

Dr. Impasse says the council was reviewing the latest numbers: 1.5 million dairy cows rendered obsolete by the recession are now up for slaughter this year alone. “We just thought to ourselves that there had to be a way to reclaim some of this product. Even just a few basis points applied to 1.5 million units was going to make a difference,” she said.

I scream, you scream, cows scream for ice cream!

That’s when the idea of meat-enhanced ice cream hit them.

“We were staring down the barrel of the wholesale destruction of our infrastructure, at least for 2009,” recalled Impasse. “Suddenly, here was a way for us to reinvest waste product right back into our own value chain without losing market share.”

Impasse was quick to stress that meat-flavored ice cream will continue to fly the flag of the dairy brand. “Don’t think for a minute this is just another example of obsolete dairy cows being surrendered to another industry to make shoe leather, car seats or even taco meat. We’re talking about perfectly viable, prime-of-service-life dairy cows with years of production otherwise ahead of them.

“Yes, they’re being slaughtered, but they will remain a dairy product from factory farm to consumer gullet.”

“This is the biggest technological and public relations breakthrough the industry has achieved since it figured out how to turn a calf into a 1,000-pound animal in a few months and convinced Americana that milk was a natural and healthy food source,” noted industry observer Dick Marlin.  “I can’t wait for the updated ‘Got Milk’ posters.”

Flavors currently under production and lab animal testing include “Prion Pecan,” “Rocky Roast,” “Chocolate Lips,” “Salisbury Strawberry,” “Udder Pecan,” “Hoof Bar Crunch,” “Chocolate Lip Hoofy Dough,” and “Vanilla Offal.”

To improve efficiency, some dairy farms-turned-slaughterhouses will experiment with freezing cattle alive and mechanically separating and processing the resulting corpses directly into ice cream. “This would allow our factory workers to avoid the costly nuisance of carving up struggling animals,” notes Impasse.

Consumers should benefit from “extra iron, Vitamin A, protein and ‘other meat stuff’ when the meat-infused ice cream begins to hit store shelves, probably around July 4.

“We don’t think consumers should have to choose between a cool, refreshingly sweet dairy treat and a satisfying serving of upper-food-chain protein,” said Impasse. “Starting this summer, that terrible choice will be behind us.”

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Originally posted 2009-02-16 22:09:41. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

But the wives aren’t entering the fray over any concern for the proletariat downtrodden. Instead, they fear that arousing their husbands from their slumber of impotence could mark an end to a period of blissfully platonic inactivity that began in 2005 when an arbitrator agreed that MPS didn’t have to provide free Viagra to the union.

The MPS estimates the cost of providing the penis-stiffening drug at nearly $800,000 per year, or enough to employ about a dozen teachers at first-year rates. The MPS argues it can’t afford such frivolous expenditures during the difficult economic conditions that are threatening the district.

The MTEA doesn’t see things that way.

Teachable moment - forget the apple, tell the kids to bring us Viagra

“What’s more important, the gainful employment of a mere 12 of our brothers and sisters, or restoring all of our male members to the aggressive and vigorous sexual lifestyles they deserve,” asked MTEA spokesman Meat Haggard.

But Lucille Frigidpillow, the leader of the teachers wives group that has stepped forward to side with the MSD in opposing the restoration of free Viagra, painted a bleak portrait of married life should Viagra return to the scene.

“Back in 2005, we were granted what we call a sexual parole from our husbands, and we’ve been savoring every minute of it,” she said. “Now I’ve got ladies calling me in a panic, terrified about what this could mean.”

“If you saw what my husband looks like wearing nothing but his back hair and his hemorrhoids, believe me, you’d take this case seriously,” she added.

Dr Windy Brightgarten, an organic psychiatrist and doctorate in women’s literature said that the wives have a case. “There is ample clinical evidence to support the fears these ladies are expressing,” she said.

“The sudden addition of Viagra to a happily platonic marriage is often like giving a spoiled toddler a loaded revolver. Just because he doesn’t know how to use it doesn’t mean he can’t be very, very dangerous with it if it’s loaded,” she added.

An attorney for the wives group said consensus was still possible. “Both sides are in full agreement that petty, self-indulgent creature comforts should come well before the potential employment of a measly 12 teachers,” he said.

“The only question is whether it will be free boner bills or maybe just an annual cash bonus that is provided on the backs of the taxpayer and fellow union members. Either way, I’m confident the true spirit of solidarity will win the day, as it usually does when a good union puts its best minds to it.”

Originally posted 2010-08-08 20:55:25. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Normally, in the continental United States, there are about three accidents per month involving general aviation aircraft. In Alaska, there are even more – they average 10 per month up there,” said NTSB spokeswoman Harsher Abdomen.

In both cases, “No one really cares,” she noted. “These are small, private planes, usually with propeller engines. The traveling masses don’t use them and therefore, accidents involving them just don’t hold their attention.”

“When a GA plane goes down in Alaska – in remote, rugged terrain, often with limited visibility, not only do they care even less, they would almost expect it, assuming they were even made aware of it,” she added.

“If they don’t get worked up about a private jet crash at Teterboro (outside of New York City) they sure aren’t going to give a hoot when a prop plane goes down in flyover country or in an even less relevant place like Alaska,” she explained.

So when Monday’s crash of the DeHavilland DHC-3 Otter spawned hysterical, nationwide news coverage and drew hordes of attention-seeking aviation pundits out of the woodwork in the manner one would expect only after a major airline crash, the NTSB made it a point of its investigation to understand why.

After just three days of analysis, the agency thinks it already knows: the presence of former U.S. Senator Ted Stevens. Stevens, one of the most successful pork-barrel politicians in U.S. history, served in the U.S. senate for more than four decades.

With members of Congress installed, the NTSB thinks even crashes of antiquated single-engine aircraft in dismal Alaskan flying conditions could continue to land needed media attention.

“We usually hate to rush to judgment, but after a careful and impartial analysis of the data we’ve recovered from this accident, we’re confident in our early conclusion that the presence of Ted Stevens – and only the presence of Ted Stevens – is what garnered this GA accident the attention it has captured in the national media,” said Abdomen in a statement released by the NTSB.

Seeking to move swiftly on its findings, the NTSB has recommended to the FAA that a member of Congress be required on every G.A. flight within the United States.

“The loss of every aircraft is a tragedy,” read the NTSB statement. “Therefore, each is deserving of full media and regulatory scrutiny.”

Considering the vast number of GA flights per day, the NTSB says that the proposed regulations could be satisfied by using former senators, as Stevens was, as well as “active and former U.S. Representatives, whose lives are also routinely perceived to be of more value than the average citizen’s and therefore more deserving of a full-bore accident investigation when involved in a crash. This recommendation will save lives by diverting rightful attention to every crash, because every crash will have a current or active member of U.S. Congress on board.”

The NTSB noted in an aside that an additional benefit of the proposal would be to “organically induce a de facto term limit among at least a portion of Congress, determined on an impartial and indeed random basis. There are several GA crashes per month. Although not all produce fatalities, the Congressional herd will nonetheless be thinned.”

The NTSB has asked the FAA to respond within 30 days to its recommendation, but it cannot compel the FAA to take action. In the past, the FAA has complained that the NTSB has made suggestions that are not feasible or even possible.

Although the FAA declined to say whether it would ultimately implement the proposal, it did issue a statement agreeing to test the policy using disgraced windbag and current U.S. Congressman Charles Rangel.

Originally posted 2010-08-13 09:58:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Founded in 1811, Possum Holler has never been part of the electricity grid, a fact not lost on locals who were dumbstruck when utility crews came through the area last Friday to erect poles and wire.

“I had no idea what they were doin’” said Lemma McLane, 28, a lifelong resident of neighboring Skunk Crossing. “I mean, I seen trucks before when my uncle took me on a date to the tractor pull in Paducah a few years back, but I never imagined they’d come here,” said Mc Lane.

Apparently, she isn’t alone in her amazement.

Moonshine, an economic staple of the area, is not dependent upon electricity.

Mayor Jeb Damron was in total awe as trucks came into the small town to install electric lines. “We had no idea what they was planning’ on puttin’ in,” said Damron.  “We weren’t gonna argue with ‘em,’ he said, “but we wish they’d have called us before comin’ to town.”

Late Wednesday, Possum Holler was still scrambling to figure out how to deal with the new-fangled invention. Once locals spotted utility trucks moving into the area, a city council meeting was convened to make plans on dealing with the addition of electricity to the impoverished hamlet.

“Hopefully, we’ll figure out a way to connect to the grid” said Mayor Damron in a media interview. “If not, I guess we’ll make do without it, just like we’ve always done.”

Originally posted 2009-02-17 20:06:01. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Fecal Harpy, a spokeswoman for former Vice President Dick Cheney, said Obama’s decision to release the memos had forced Cheney and other members of the Bush administration to counter with their own disclosures of sensitive information. Cheney was a tireless advocate of waterboarding in the aftermath of 9-11.

“We hate to do this, because we respect HIPAA, but we feel we have no choice. What we can confirm today is that yes, Khalid was waterboarded 183 times but no, this was not simply the vicious indulgence of the understandable urge to torture the man responsible for 9-11. Khalid had a horrible case of head lice when he entered our custody – the worst we’d ever seen – and he had awful dandruff, too. He urgently needed treatment.”

HIPAA is the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, which protects the privacy of patient information.

"Many tens of billions" of head lice made a home in the terrorist's hair, according to the CIA

“When anyone becomes a prisoner of the United States – domestic or otherwise – his or her health care becomes the responsibility of our government,” Harpy continued. “In Khalid’s case, his head lice was so bad, we were concerned about blood loss. He had lots of hair, which gives the lice countless places to hide, but it was still our obligation to do our best to ease his suffering.”

Vance Icehorse, a former CIA officer, confirmed Harpy’s account. “We mixed in several medicinal shampoos with the water that we applied during his waterboardings,” he said. “In exchange for his free head lice and dandruff treatment, he seemed suddenly willing to offer up strategic information about the Al Qaeda network.”

Icehorse said that even after 150 treatments, Mohammed was still plagued by head lice, although the dandruff had subsided. “Much like the Al Qaeda hosts they snack on, this strain of head lice become deeply entrenched and difficult to root out, but we were determined to continue the treatment until he was fully cured,” he said.

“As it turns out, it took 183 sessions, but Khalid now has the cleanest hair of anyone in the custody of the U.S. Justice System, and that’s not something he could say when we initially acquired him.”

Waterboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which water is poured over a subject’s plastic- or cloth-wrapped face to simulate drowning. It has been used to wrest information – real and imagined – from prisoners since at least the time of the Inquisition.

When asked why the CIA didn’t simply shave Mohammed’s head to treat the virulent head lice, Icehorse said, “We did make that option available to him, but the lice were so bad we would have had to scalp him, so he chose to go the waterboarding route. Who would have thought it would have taken so many applications?”

Originally posted 2009-04-20 18:40:27. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“We have a firefighter with us over here today.  Let me, if I can, just interrupt for one second.  Now, let everybody look at you.  This is Jesse Graves, everybody, and he’s here fighting the blaze.  What a piece of man candy he is, right?  Can we get a quick word with you Jesse?”

GRAVES: “Uh, I’m kinda busy with this hose.”

ROKER: “We’ll try to get back to Jesse.  Maybe in the meantime, we can show you the hose.  Wait ‘till you see what comes out of there.  Water!  High pressure water just shooting all over that house.  Doesn’t it look like a giant spray can of whipped cream shooting all over a strawberry-rhubarb pie?  And who doesn’t like pie?  I know I could go for a nice slice of pie just as soon as I’m done here.  Maybe two!

“Wait.  What’s this?  I’m told we have the owner of the house available to speak with us over here.

“This is Vernon Pike, everybody, and he owns the house which they’re currently dousing with large amounts of water.  I guess the first question everybody has, Vernon, is how does it feel, having your house burn down in the wildfires?”

PIKE: “It’s a terrible feeling, Al.”

ROKER: “Terrible?”

PIKE:  “Yup.”

ROKER: “Uh, You have insurance, though, right?”

PIKE: “Nope.  Insurance comp’ny’s ‘r jest evil.  I don’t do business with ‘em.  Profit-mongers.”

ROKER: “So, Vernon, what are you going to do?”

PIKE: “I got me a truck an’ some salt pork an’ a rifle.  I’m gonna be OK.”

ROKER: “There you have it, folks.  A real, honest, man’s man.  But I have to ask, Vernon, what are you doing here?  The government issued an evacuation order.  Why didn’t you evacuate with all your neighbors?”

PIKE: “No gub’ment gonna tell me where to go.  Way I reckon it, if’n I leave, Obama’ll just take my house while I’m gone.  I ain’t exactly figured out how, but he’d do it if’n you give him half a minute.  He’d just take my house and give it to some border-jumper, let him.  And probably ain’t got no job at that.  All them gub’ment folks are all sneaky like that.  Watch ‘em.  Gub’ment prob’ly set these here fires just to clear out some decent honest folk an’ steal their land from ‘em.”

ROKER:  “That’s the longest speech you’ve ever given in your life, isn’t it?”

PIKE:  [spits]

ROKER: “None of us can worry about that, though, because it’s not something we can control.  What we can control is what we do in each of our own hometowns.  To that end, that’s what’s going on in the country, now here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods.”

Originally posted 2009-09-15 19:52:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Specter's recently updated U.S. Senate photo

In the course of his long political career, Sen. Arlen Specter has been a Democrat, then a Republican, and most recently, a Democrat again. Now, having lost the Democratic party primary in the Pennsylvania senate race, Specter has announced he is changing parties once again, this time to the New Black Panther Party.

“It appears that the white race has deserted me,” said Specter, who appeared in black-face yesterday in front of the New Black Panther Party headquarters in Dallas, Texas. “But the good news is, I have found a new home where I truly belong. And it is here with my bruthas,” said Specter, who then assumed the classic rap pose of folded arms, pouting lips, and a down-the-nose glare at the assembled press.

Malik Zulu Shabazz, Chairman of the NBPP, was also in attendance. “We welcome our newest member to the righteous cause of freeing our enslaved black people from the bonds of tyranny,” said Shabazz while introducing the newly browned Specter. “He understands the plight of the disinfranchised opportunist, and to that we can relate. Plus, he’s got a lot of campaign cash left over.”

Specter appeared at the conference flanked on each side of the podium by NBPP commandos dressed in the iconic NBPP attire of black beret, sunglasses, camouflaged pants, and malignant expressions. “For far too long I, and my black bruthas, have endured the chains of oppression, aggression, and repression foisted upon us by the greedy white man,” said Specter, while Shabazz nodded approvingly at the well-delivered afro-centric consonance. “And for far too long I have been forced to choose between either getting elected, or instead courageously adhering to a coherent and steady moral philosophy even in spite of negative polling data,” he said.  “But in the New Black Panther Party I have found a place where the notions of rational argument and defensible philosophy are shunned in favor of reflexive over-emotional rhetoric and whatever-it-takes power-grabbing. I fit right in.”

One reporter asked Shabazz during a Q&A why NBPP was endorsing a white man, but immediately received a pistol whip to the back of the head from one of the NBPP henchman for his trouble. “What are you talking about, cracker? Can’t you see he’s a black man?” No further questions were asked by attending press members.

However, it appears that not all black leaders are pleased with Specter’s switch. “It’s disgraceful, he’s nothing but an Uncle Tom,” said black activist and former presidential candidate, Al Sharpton, yesterday. “He may be black, but he ain’t on the side of the black man. In fact, he’s miscegenatin’ with a white woman! And I think it’s Sarah Palin!” In a possibly related occurrence, Sharpton later that night was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital after being pistol-whipped in the head. Police have not identified any suspects, but believe the injury was inflicted by a NBPP henchman, or possibly Sarah Palin.

Specter’s immediate political plans are murky, but he hinted that a presidential run is not out of the question. “This country needs a black president. And it’s high time it got one,” he said. “And don’t talk to me about what’s-his-name. He don’t count. Can’t grow up in Hawaii and Indonesia and call ya self a black man. Gotta know the ‘hood. Like me, ’cause I fought for my bread in the mean streets of Wichita. I wasn’t pickin’ pineapples on some beach.”

Whether Specter’s new allegiance pans out, only time will tell. But at least one person thinks the politician has finally jumped the shark. “It’s crazy, whoring yourself out to any group that will have you just to advance your career, no matter the extent to which it compromises your integrity, or hurts your family,” said famous reality mom, Kate Gosslin. “It’s disgusting.”

UPDATE!

Early this morning, an NBPP spokesman disclosed that the organization has learned that Specter is Jewish. Coincidentally, Specter has been missing since mid-morning when he departed in his car for a NBPP fundraiser, at which he reportedly never arrived. Specter’s family states that at around 10:00 a.m. he left in his car, a newly-purchased 1974 Cadillac Seville with 4-inch white walls and a vanity plate that reads “FITE Y-T”. Authorities have asked anyone with information on Specter’s whereabouts to contact their local police.

Developing . . .

Originally posted 2010-06-04 10:07:13. Republished by Blog Post Promoter