WASHINGTON – Reeling from back-to-back blizzards that dumped more than three feet of snow on the Washington, D.C. area, the Federal Government and U.S. Capitol remained shuttered for a record fourth consecutive day today. Nevertheless, life continued as normal throughout the 50 states, unnerving democrats everywhere.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi pointed out several examples [...]
February 11, 2010 | Posted in
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“The heavens will open, sunshine will spill forth, and all the ailments of New Orleans will disappear in the healing glow of the championship! All of them! Poverty? Gone! Corruption? Gone! All those damn fru-fru sounding French names? Gone!”
February 2, 2010 | Posted in
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Fully 1/8th of our elk herd got severely frightened. It was so bad that a Grey Wolf missed as he tried to urinate on a tree.”
January 28, 2010 | Posted in
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A temporary shortage of Mountain Dew™ spiraled out of control, culminating today in a riot at the Intellivation Corporation in which fourteen people were maimed. …
December 15, 2009 | Posted in
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“Bro – it’s totally awesome. I’ll just like, take my skateboard down to the mall and like, watch, dude. All these old people just totally lose it. All the yelling. People just completely embarrass themselves, bro. Fights…..it’s awesome. Compared to them, I don’t look like such a loser. It’s like Cops! Only real!”
November 24, 2009 | Posted in
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“…our children are simply too goddam lazy to walk around the goddam neighborhood anymore.”
November 2, 2009 | Posted in
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WANTAGE, N.J. – During a hastily convened press conference late last night, an emotional Lou Dobbs stood on his front lawn and excoriated the practice of using imported firearms and ammunition.
Less than an hour earlier, a preliminary crime lab report had come back confirming the type of bullet and gun used in the Oct. 5 [...]
October 31, 2009 | Posted in
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NEW YORK - NBC’s breathless coverage of the farcical fraud cooked up by Richard and Mayumi Heene last week drew widespread ridicule among the handful of viewers intelligent enough to notice. Now, despite the fact that that portion of its demographic is shrinking on a daily basis, the network is seeking to repair its image [...]
October 19, 2009 | Posted in
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PITTSBURGH – Police who patrolled the grounds of the G20 summit held in Pittsburgh last week have drawn international condemnation for using a controversial new anti-riot weapon that projects loud bursts of sound at target subjects.
A week later, dozens of protesters remain in the hospital after being subjected to the cutting-edge sonic weapon. Observers blame [...]
October 5, 2009 | Posted in
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I think he actually discovered the body behind some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter™ and a bag of leftover Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips™.”
September 24, 2009 | Posted in
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