Under the agreement, industrialized nations will shelve plans to pay billions of dollars per year to the Third World in a carbon-offset program. In return, they will accept the steady influx of novel diseases spawned by the squalid overpopulations of cohabitating humans and animals and frenetic clearing of rain forests common outside the developed world

“This is a landmark agreement,” said U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon through a surgical mask and an interpreter. “Like all good agreements, it was not achieved without a lot of hard work, not without both sides feeling they had left something on the table.”

Global talks had been bogged down among the 192 participating nations as debate raged over whether the under-populated developed world should compensate the wildly overpopulated developing world over disparities in per-capita carbon emissions.

Groups like the WWF and Greenpeace had insisted developing countries give $140-$160 billion per year to Third World tyrants with the hope they might use the funds to take action to offset a projected increase in global temperatures of up to 4 degrees Celsius by the end of the century.

Scientists say such a temperature increase could have horrific effects, including floods and droughts and other oxymoronic pairings.

“All of that talk is behind us now,” said a visibly relieved Robert Gibbs, spokesperson for President Obama, confirming the U.S. will sign the agreement.

The issue had been a difficult one for the administration, as it was torn within its own party between far-left environmental groups that were indifferent to the massive destruction of natural resources outside the U.S.  and conservatives who balked at the idea of funneling billions of dollars of handouts to the Third World for the privilege of continuing to produce energy needed to fuel modern industry, including the production of food that is shipped as aid to Third World nations.

“Particularly given that we’re in the grips of Great Depression 2.0, and we’re using fake money to buy things anyway, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense to us to hand over billions more,” conceded Gibbs.

Ki-moon said there was a “eureka” moment during negotiations when, during a break, someone came down with the H1N1 virus, formerly known as Swine Flu, and was whisked away to an isolation ward.

“Someone in the room noted that this, along with H5N1 (also known as Avian Flu) and other EIDs (Emerging Infectious Diseases) had all sprung out of Third World conditions and wondered if there might not be an opportunity to trade them for carbon offsets.”

From that initial proposal, talks moved swiftly, as the group identified diseases such as AIDS, SARS, rodent-borne hemorrhagic diseases and other exciting new pathogens.

“Typically, what these afflictions have in common is that they were brought about by people penetrating deeper and deeper into ecosystems that had previously little or no contact with humanity,” said Ki-moon. “There, they are exposed to dangerous pathogens that have the potential to jump species and swiftly spread around the globe.”

Making matters worse, said Ki-moon, is the fact that many indigent populations live in close quarters with filthy swarms of livestock, creating a nurturing petri dish in which viruses can swap genetic material as they transit from human to animal host and more readily mutate into threats for which humans have no immunity.

“At the end of the day, it’s an even trade,” insisted Gibbs. “Since 1975, about 40 new infections diseases have emerged, and we expect the trend to only pick up pace as the developing world rightfully pursues parity with the western world in important metrics like per-capita meat consumption.

Civet cats are a tasty way to acquire SARS.

“They have every right to pursue the same standard of living we do, every right to burn down rainforests so they can cultivate cheap, tasty meat.”

“It’s a noble cause,” Gibbs conceded, “but it has a byproduct: nasty diseases that can wipe out millions. By the same token, our lifestyle has a byproduct, too – an invisible gas we call CO2.

“To a degree, it’s apples and oranges, but we think on balance it’s a fair trade. Plus, when the next really big superbug emerges from one of these backwater cesspools, the hundreds of millions it wipes out globally will no longer be producing carbon footprints, regardless of what th

eir diet was or where they lived.”

Originally posted 2009-09-11 09:47:24. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Peter Cordingley, a spokesman for the World Health Organization, said, “we cannot begin to describe the level of excitement here at the WHO over the swine flu.The excitement has reached level 3, and could be all the way to level 6 soon!”Cordingley did not elaborate as to what those levels mean in real world terms.

Behind this delightfully tacky exterior lies the very heart of the evil swine flu.

So what exactly is swine flu?And how did it come to America?Per Cordingley, the disease is an offshoot of the avian bird flu.When our American heroes triumphed over the evil bird flu in 2006, they apparently failed to eradicate it completely.The Americans won a triumphant battle, but chose not to invade the bird flu’s lair and topple its leadership.The weakened bird flu instead sought solace at a remote Hooters restaurant in Buffalo, NY, where it regrouped, strengthening every moment.The bird flu mysteriously transmuted itself from chicken wings into various pork products.It ultimately emerged as swine flu – a new, more dangerous hybrid-offshoot.Cordingley also described it as “pissed off and determined to extract its vengeance.”

“I also need to clarify,” Cordingley concluded, “that while swine flu is carried by pigs, we have no evidence to suggest that Kim Kardashian is yet a carrier.However, we do wish she would put a mask over her face anyway, in the name of all that’s holy.”

Here in the United States, Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano described the action.“Millions sick!Hospitals overwhelmed!Churches closed!The Surgical Mask will be this year’s ‘it’ fashion statement!If we could only somehow include a gleeful montage of exploding national landmarks, we’ll have every cliché covered.”

Cheech Wojciechowicz, a janitor at Dulles International Airport, was not looking forward to the release.“Somehow,” he said, “this must all be George Bush’s fault.”

Cheech Wojciechowicz, a janitor at Dulles International Airport, shows off this year's new look.

Already, the swine flu has generated controversy.Congressional leaders are whipping their parties into action over an emergency spending bill.Democrats wish to authorize TARP funding for swine flu, but Republican expect to fiercely resist, calling the bill “just more pork.”

Elsewhere, in advance of its inevitable encroachment upon the Asian markets, Muslim leaders in Indonesia have successfully lobbied for a ban of all pork products, including policemen, Miss Piggy, and Kevin Bacon.

Movie Critic Martin Hunter derided the swine flu, saying “it’s rather derivative … not nearly as good as SARS.”

Originally posted 2009-04-28 15:18:02. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

While the organization may find itself in agreement with some of its archenemies on the issue of the promiscuous procreator’s alleged actions, it took a very different path in getting there.  According to a statement it released, Planned Parenthood believes “This case sets a dangerous precedent. If women can so easily be acquitted of murdering their own children, the very viability of one of our important operating divisions is threatened.”

Although abortion is not the firm’s core business, the controversial procedures reportedly account for up to 15 percent of its annual revenues, and analysts who follow the company warn that layoffs and other painful cost cutting moves would be necessary should that

Pro-abortion activists protest the legalization of ex-utero child slayings

sector of its business plan be shuttered.

“No one saw this verdict coming,” said Abbey Krill, an attorney for Planned Parenthood. “Don’t quote me on this, but the Casey Anthony verdict could be to abortions what the automobile was to horse and buggies.”

Legal experts say there is little the agency can do besides making an effort to influence future juries. In fact, Krill confirmed its lobbyists are going to do just that, along with an education campaign aimed at would-be child killers.

“We’re going to push for a number of things,” she said. “IQ tests for jurors, laws requiring the prosecution’s case to be translated into coloring books that are easier for simple-minded jurors to understand – there are several avenues we’re exploring on Capitol Hill.”

“This is very important for women’s rights,” she added. “We need to raise awareness that abortion is still and always the safer option. We remind women that it’s still technically illegal to murder your child – you never know when they’ll start enforcing that again.

“Your prosecutor might beat the odds – it only takes one juror with intelligence and courage to derail your acquittal, and we’re going to be out on the streets stressing that to women.”

In making the announcement, which she staged in front of the Mayo Clinic shortly before checking in for treatment, she said she wanted to help others suffering from the condition and that it was time for her to stand up to discrimination. Streep said she has had FAS for decades.

Depending on your viewpoint, FAS is either an extremely rare neurological malady or an attention-drawing stunt poised for a rapid boost in popularity.

Although diagnoses had averaged less than one per year since the early 1940s, a flurry of recent media attention driven by an Oregonian dental patient who emerged from an aesthetic-aided tooth extraction with a distasteful approximation of a British accent has increased public awareness of the condition.

Now, scientists, con artists and other experts expect the renowned actress’ bombshell admission to fuel a major uptick in reported cases.

In her tearful announcement, the two-time Academy Award winner lamented her long silence on her malady, especially considering the “heroic public battles some of my fellow Hollywood elites have waged with conditions nearly as daunting.”

Struggling to maintain her composure, she even confessed that her famous and widely hailed ability to ape foreign accents was, in reality, just a symptom of her disease.

“Sometimes I could manage my disease, other times I couldn’t. The times I couldn’t turned into roles like ‘Out of Africa’ [fake Dutch] and ‘The Bridges of Madison County’ [fake Italian].

“But is it wrong to turn an illness into strength? I think not. My only regret is not speaking up sooner so I could be a beacon of strength for others, like Rock and Michael did.”

Streep added, “To those of you who think this is fake, I only pray you never suffer from it. Besides, is a fake medical condition really any worse than a fake accent?”

[editors note: this last quote was nearly unintelligible due to the Basque-Icelandic pidgin accent Streep delivered it in. Because it would be impossible to convey in print, no attempt was made to do so.]

Streep's self outing could inspire thousands of Americans to achieve instant panache. Experts say that the upside is the same whether one feigns a disease or an accent - or both.

Literary experts, linguistic psychologists and other frauds warn Streep’s self-outing could hold grave consequences for long-accepted bulwarks in the Western literary canon.

“What if it turns out that Mark Twain, Joel Chandler Harris, and E. E. Cummings, inter alios, weren’t just masters at projecting dialect in the written word but simply suffered from FAS?” frets Sir Piping Wainscott, a convicted pederast and tenured professor of literary deconstruction at Berkley.

But others discounted such concerns. “Who cares if they had to work at it or it was simply the result of disease or dumb luck?” argued Bret St. Michaels, a shop steward in the Reunited Union of Tasteful Telephotojournalism’s (RUNT) Local 757, a guild representing paparazzi.

“Beauty is dumb luck too, and that’s the reason behind 99% of an actress’ success. This is no different. This announcement in no way diminishes the body of Streep’s work.

“And it doesn’t affect her movies, either.”

WASHINGTON – Health and Human Services Secretary, Katherine Sebelius, announced a bold program yesterday in the fight to inform consumers of nutritional information of food products. Working through the Food and Drug Administration, the new program asks that companies include nutritional information on the front of packaging instead of the back.

“On my way home from  a D.C. cocktail party last week, my driver must have driven me past at least a dozen obese people roaming the streets. It got me wondering how they got that way. With so much information available on the Internet or through one’s personal trainers, in-house chefs, and office staff, how can they not be informed about what they are putting into their bodies, their enormous bodies, really,” said Sebelius. “That’s when I had my Eureka moment … Of course! The labels are on the BACK!”

Sebelius returned to her Georgetown condo and worked through the night crafting her plan to coerce companies into presenting nutritional information on the front of packaging, using the bottle of Beefeaters on her desk as a prop to imagine possible labeling solutions. “Luckily, when I left the party my husband was still chatting with one of my young interns, so I had the house myself,” stated Sebelius. “Well into morning, as a matter of fact.”

Staff members of the Health and Human Services Department have already begun testing front-facing labeling in focus groups to determine the effectiveness. One staffer noted that while he is not discouraged yet, the tests have not demonstrated a dramatic shift in purchasing behavior. “We set up two mock grocery store cereal aisles, one with shelves containing the traditional rear-labeled cereal boxes and the other with front-labeled boxes.  Unfortunately, it appears that many of the people who couldn’t be bothered to flip over the box in the traditional aisle either didn’t read, couldn’t read, or didn’t care what they read when presented with front-labeled packaging in our new aisle. They still gravitated toward sugar-loaded cereals with cleverly drawn cartoon characters and cute names ending in ‘O’S’ or ‘EE’S’.”

While the program is still in its infancy, it hasn’t stopped Sebelius from envisioning the potential application to other consumer markets in which the public requires judicious prodding to make choices she finds acceptable. “This is just the beginning,” said Sebelius. For instance, she says that this strategy would work well in the office supply industry. “Imagine, every time you grab some printer paper, in bold 64-point font right there in the middle of the sheet would be the message ‘Please Be Green! Recycle!’ Every document would be a reminder of how we should treat Mother Earth, and no one could claim that they weren’t properly armed with information.”

Not everyone is thrilled with the front-labeling idea. An executive with a food production company who asked to remain anonymous stated, “If they really wanted to inform the public to make smarter choices, they’d make every Washington bureaucrat walk around with a piece of sandwich board strapped to their turkey-waddled neck listing every disastrously dumbass idea that has ever managed to escape the vacuous black holes they call their heads. Maybe if Ms. Sebelius had done so from the beginning, the voters of Kansas would never have foisted this snooty-nosed pee-brained valium-popping transsexual on the rest of us. What … she is transsexual, right?”

Sebelius offers a palpable demonstration to Congress of the confusion that can paralyze hapless shoppers if important nutritional information is hidden on the backs of boxes.

While the program is currently voluntary, Sebelius believes her department will ultimately issue a Notice of Proposed Rulemaking to begin the process of establishing regulations that will force companies to comply. “You can’t trust people to do things on their own. Whether it is eating a well balanced diet, or making that burdensome effort to turn over a box of Hamburger Helper, people need someone of a certain intellectual pedigree, like me, to guide them in the right direction.”

“We saw record numbers this year, we had an A-list of celebrity participants and performers lined up. An epidemic of vomiting and diarrhea is not something we had expected or planned for,” said Byron. “Peanut butter has always been a hot item for food fetishists, it’s spreadable, edible, it acts as a natural lubricant, it’s a great transition point for people wanting to move into safe dog play.”

“The Peanut Butter Bounce House has always been one of our most popular activities,” Karolini-Szabados said. “You can go in wearing a bathing suit, or nude; we leave it up to the customer. We recently extended the time limit to a full 30 minutes, 15 minutes longer than past conventions. We’re very careful about sanitation, we provide a variety of condoms on site, and we always, always, always clean the bounce house between uses with 145 degree water and a chemical wash. We really thought we were being safe.”

With a proven track record of success and satisfaction, and with safety as a top priority, event organizers were more than surprised when, on the second day of the convention, the laughter, bouncing, and amorous cavorting of giddy participants began to turn into a nightmarish scene of fully engaged fetishists succumbing to the rigors of explosive gastrointestinal upset.

“A person can start exhibiting symptoms of salmonellosis within 6 hours of exposure,” says Dr. Royce LaFond, who was employed in a volunteer capacity at the convention’s Fruit by the Foot booth when the outbreak began. “Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Bounce House was stationed quite far from the lavatories. I mean, there are showers there, but the actual toilets were a good 200 feet away. It made it very difficult for people to control the illness in a hygienic manner.”

Spreading more than joy

One participant described the chaos as a “marvelous yet horrifying human canvas of browns, yellows, and greens.”

Fetishes are usually harmless, sex experts will say. “A fetish, when acted upon by willing participants, in an agreed-upon manner, should be a rewarding pursuit,” says sex expert, Peter Werfel. “I think most people would agree that this year’s fetish convention was not a rewarding pursuit, although those that found the salmonella outbreak invigorating should not be discounted.”

News of the illness, along with the smell, traveled quickly through the Peoria Civic Center. The third day of the convention, traditionally known as Funday Sunday, had to be canceled. Clean-up efforts will continue throughout the week.

Originally posted 2009-01-29 15:13:31. Republished by Blog Post Promoter