Long is accused of plying at least three angst-ridden urban youth, who had come to him for religious counsel, with gifts and then duping them into accepting his sexual advances as a milestone on their road to spiritual growth during his unfortunately named youth retreat, “LongFellows.”

“When you’re evaluating the potential for yield growth you want to see diversification and proof that you’re not mired in a market that has matured,” gushed Sal Rigatoni, a senior trader for Krotchgrab, Bangbold and Pukebreath, the largest Wall Street firm that specializes in trading CAA futures.

Bishop Eddie Long could represent a safe haven for investors.

“The big news out of this is that you’ve got all the market fundamentals you want but you’re tapping into a brand new market –the Southern Protestant Megachurch.”

Rigatoni cited the high social standing of the defendant; the shock-value of the claims and their ability to humiliate the bishop while incensing a sympathetic public and jury; and the fact that the atrocities supposedly occurred years ago as “rock solid fundamentals and hallmarks of substantial net growth.”

“They’re following the time-honored tradition of shaking down a church that many investors thought had peaked with the ‘I remember now’ lawsuits made against the Catholics,” explained Rigatoni, referring to the wave of court actions against the Catholic Church by people claiming to have been abused, sometimes decades earlier, and who often reaped rich payoffs, sometimes in the millions of dollars, as a result of the suits.

“That was a great model, but there was always a question of sustainability. The common thinking was that if you didn’t get in by the early 90s, you had missed most of the upside. I think the action against Bishop Eddie Long is going to move a lot of money, even from big institutional investors, off the sidelines, especially with such weak confidence in the dollar and stocks.

“The fact that his title is ‘Bishop,’ you can’t price enough into that; it’s golden,” he added. “That’s the perfect bridge to the NextGen wave of CAA trading.

“At least in the near term, we’re calling Megachuch shakedowns a viable safe haven that is a real alternative to gold.”

Rigatoni did caution that a lot of “rebranding work” remained to be done on Protestant Megachurches.

“The plaintiffs, lawyers and media that worked during the great bull cycle of Catholic CAAs did yeoman’s work in getting the masses to think ‘child molester’ whenever they heard the word ‘Catholic,’” he said.

“That laid the groundwork for a lot of slam-dunk cases. We hope to see that here as well, but we don’t think that’s realistic. There’s just not the same level of hatred and prejudice to tap into.

“But these CAAs will still be highly profitable for those who can get in early enough, and it beats the hell out of the dollar.”

Note: Wine and Excrement and some of its subsidiaries, employees, interns and pensioners own certain exchange-traded derivatives, but at press time, Wine and Excrement held no positions in CAAs or any other security mentioned in this report*

*As far as you know.

Originally posted 2010-09-24 15:49:46. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“More people fear running out of money during their retirement years than death itself,” said Boomer B. MacKenrack, senior vice president for fee enhancement for the Boston-based financial services conglomerate. “56 percent of Americans between 44 and 54 think they could have problems covering their expenses during the so-called golden years.”

“We’ve come up with a unique solution – the only in the industry that can guarantee you’ll never outlive your savings,” he added.

According to promotional materials made available during a press conference marking the kickoff of the program, customers enrolling in ERAs will first decide what they want their annual income to be during retirement. Frugality will then divide that amount into the customer’s total assets to determine the number of years remaining before the client must die.

“Normally, a retiree has to hedge his or her Golden Years spending against an unknown quantity – namely, how much longer they’re going to have to support themselves,” said MacKenrack. “ERAs take all of that scary guesswork out of retirement planning, allowing you to relax and enjoy the wealth you’ve worked so hard to accumulate.”

“And, with euthanasia, the burdensome costs of chronic, end-stage illnesses are seldom a factor,” he added. “By eliminating such waste, ERAs allow users to spend more of their savings on what really matters in life – themselves and joie de vivre.”

In an example provided in a Frugality marketing pamphlet entitled “It may be the sunset of your life, but it should be high noon for your income!” a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Brantforth Covington-Fordham, retire at age 60 with liquid assets of $689,312, net of all consumer debt.

“Normally, such a retirement fund would be considered seriously under-funded, and the Covington-Fordhams might even be cautioned to delay retirement or even be reduced to taking a demeaning job in the service sector to help support their capital needs during retirement,” reads a portion of the pamphlet’s copy.

“Furthermore, the Covington-Fordhams would face the additional complexity of handicapping which of the couple would die first, how to handle insensitive questions from prospective heirs, and other irritating challenges,” continues the spiel.

“Not if the Covington-Fordhams, who need $135,000 per year to sustain the lifestyle they deserve, are ERA clients,” the advertisement concludes. “Assuming a modest 5% return on investment, the couple would receive that annual sum for six, fun-filled years, whereupon it would be depleted and they would be euthanized.”

Travel expenses to Frugality’s Euthanasia Center in Gstaad, Switzerland and the cost of the three-day euthanasia spa are prepaid, covered through annual account-service fees assessed on all ERA accounts. A selling point to clients, the prepaid expenses are an additional revenue generator for Frugality. Switzerland enjoys the most liberal euthanasia regulations in the world, which don’t even require a doctor’s involvement.

Interviews with satisfied customers were unavailable at press time.

Frugality ERA clients enjoy a lavish last meal together before being put down in a Gstaad Euthanasia Camp. Note the American design accents, a point marketed heavily by Frugality Investments

MADISON, Wisc. – Cheese markets will feel a significant and long-term impact from protests gripping the state capital, according to traders and economists. The benchmark Wholesale Cheddar 40 lb. Block price touched $3.18 per pound in intra-day futures trading, before settling at $3.03 – the highest level in three years.

The protests, led by histrionic, over-entitled state union agitators, are in their second week.

“No one wants to call a ceiling on this thing,” said Cheese Strategist Lemichael Mo, who is with Blomura, a global investment banking and securities firm that seeks to enrich its investors by stoking panic in commodity markets.

“With the decimated dollar and an underlying weak macro-economy, further pricing pressure on Wisconsin cheese will be seen as the commodity, particularly cheddar, becomes increasingly viewed as a safe haven and a hedge against the eroding, inflationary pressures besetting U.S. currency,” he added.

“We could be looking at prices in the $20-per-pound range by the summer solstice,” he warned. “By no means is it too late to get in on this bull market.”

The protests have been led by swarms of overpaid state workers upset with having to make concessions in the face of a $3.6 billion budget deficit and have featured an illegal sickout among state teachers. Democrat state senators, unable to muster numbers to defeat the budget cuts in the Republican-controlled Statehouse, have fled Wisconsin in a Leninist show of impotent solidarity.

The fact that this extensive stagecraft has not had any impact yet on physical cheese production is irrelevant, explained Mo. “Jitters and unrequited fears are far more important to the market than outdated market fundamentals like supply and demand balances,” he said.

The price volatility could wreak havoc on already-burdened consumers, who will encounter skyrocketing prices for staples such as Velveeta, fondue dip and pizza. A prolonged run in prices could even threaten the economic recovery, some economists say.

“Annual per-capita cheese consumption exceeds 30 pounds in the U.S.,” said Wilbur Wheatsickle, mid-level director of underachieving commodities for 22/7 Bank.

“These price increases will be very hard for the everyday American to bear, but bear it he must,” he added, describing Americans as “obligate cheese eaters.”

“That extra spend represents money that could have – would have – been spent on cars, tuition, and replacement legs for child amputees. It will have a trickle-up effect for sure.”

It could also threaten the core business model of many corporations in the fitness sector, he said. “While people will do everything they can to maintain their cheese consumption, some will invariably fail, even with the state aid that will be rightfully available to them. This could result in involuntary weight loss, which would be a very troubling leading indicator for the fitness sector.”

The agitators' signs are nearly as irrational as skyrocketing cheese prices.

In the wake of Arizona’s tough but controversial new immigration law, Canadian nationals in the United States are steeling themselves for equal treatment as the northern border states consider similar measures.

“I’m a little bit nervous, eh,” said Gordon Tremblay, an unemployed actor from Edmonton currently living illegally in St. Paul. “I’m not a drug dealer or anything. I just want to be the next William Shatner.”

But Tremblay may find his path to stardom will be more difficult if some members of Minnesota’s legislature have their way. Currently under committee review is a measure similar to Arizona’s that would require police to investigate those suspected of being undocumented Canadians. “Now I have to worry aboot a constable pulling me to the side every 10 kilometers, or being accosted at a gasbar,” said Tremblay. “And with just a few loonies in my pocket, I’ll never afford a solicitor if I get caught.”

But Minnesota’s politicians say they are simply responding to a crisis. “Right now, we have a serious problem in Minnesota,” said Minnesota State Representative, Clifford Stuartson. “There are already too many homegrown wanna-be standup comics and actors, and not enough comedy joints or dinner theaters. Throw on top of that the massive influx of Canadians and it is unsupportable.”

Stuartson says that while the problem can likely be traced back to the early days of John Candy and Dan Ackroyd, when Canadian entertainment was cheap and plentiful compared to the domestic variety, it has become an economic nightmare after the success of famous Canadians, Jim Carrey and Michael Myers. “Suddenly, all these Canucks started sneaking in and stealing gigs from American actors and comics. Now every Canadian from Halifax to Victoria thinks he has a shot at stardom. It’s chaos.”

Under the new law, police must ask for documentation if they encounter individuals acting suspiciously Canadian.

“Well, there’s that stupid ‘eh’ that they add to the end of every sentence,” said International Falls police chief, Ray McElroy, describing traits his force will be trained to spot. “And they’re all too nice … real syrupy polite, know what I mean? Gives me the chills, if I’m being honest about it. Makes me think they’re hiding something. Or worse, that they’re not, and that they are really just that naive.”

When pressed about how police will be trained to enforce the pending bill should it become law, McElroy provided a proposed insert to the state police training manual, which includes a list of unique Canadian characteristics (there aren’t many, McElroy says) and how to spot or expose undocumented Canadians clandestinely operating in the country. Excerpts include:

• “Ask them to apologize to you. If the suspect claims he is ‘so-ree’ he is likely Canadian (though possibly just lobotomized), and you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect has a mullet but no Kentucky accent, you may require documentation.”
• “The preferred Canadian ensemble includes plaid flannel, tight-fitting knit caps, pegged stonewashed jeans, and LA Gear high tops. Same with the men . . .”
• “See if the suspect agrees with you that Alex Trebek is a brilliant and talented Canadian. First, no one but a Canadian cares or knows that Trebek is Canadian; and second, no one but a Canadian would find Trebek anything but insufferable . . .”
• “Ask the suspect to repeat the famous Gary Coleman line from the 80s TV show, ‘Different Strokes.’ If the suspect says ‘Whatchoo talkin’ ‘BOOT, Willis,” you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect is carrying an open container of maple syrup in his vehicle, you may require documentation.”
• “If you are at a grocery store and witness someone buy more Kraft Mac and Cheese then any single family could possibly consume, especially if in tandem with an equally untenable amount of ketchup, you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect is Asian, he is most certainly from Toronto and you may require documentation.”
• “Ask the suspect which is better, SCTV or Saturday Night Live. If the suspect does not respond that ‘it depends on which era of SNL you’re talking about,’ you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect can name any NHL player besides Wayne Gretzky, or cares in the least about any hockey game except for the Miracle on Ice, you may require documentation.”
• “If, after you have proceeded through each step in this section of the manual, the suspect has not revealed himself to be Canadian but nonetheless answers your questions politely, without agitation or annoyance, and with effusive deference to your authority, or if he apologizes to YOU at the end (even without pronouncing his apology “so-ree”), then he is most assuredly Canadian and you may require documentation.”

Tremblay says he doesn’t see what the fuss is about. “I’m just here to pursue the authentic Canadian Dream, which is the dream to be a famous American.” When asked whether he believed the law would pass, Tremblay said, “I dunno, eh? They elected Al Franken so anything’s possible. He’s great, by the way. Really funny in a Eugene Levy kind of way, and a colourful personality [ed. Tremblay insisted we include the “u”].”

But McElroy isn’t convinced. “That’s what they say, sure. But what really happens is they walk around here like actual Americans – maybe a bit more milquetoast – and then they get all famous, and the next thing you know you’re watching Leno and they’re out of the closet, talking about their childhoods up in the Great White North. That’s right about the time everyone starts flicking off their TVs. I mean, nobody gives a sh** what it’s like in Canada, except for maybe a handful of American sportsmen. I think the rest of us are wondering why they don’t just apply for statehood and be done with it.”

While the development is certainly big news for the health insurance industry and its customers, the surprise announcement is quickly being copied throughout the risk-management industry.

“We’re not about to let the health insurance companies get ahead of us on this issue,” said Licked Duke, a spokesman for State Farm Insurance. “Not only are we dropping risk premiums for our customers who insist on building and rebuilding in established hurricane zones of the Gulf, we’re offering a hurricane discount. The higher your risk of hurricane damage, the lower your premium will be.

“Insure burning houses? Heck, we now offer a discount on burning houses,” he added.

In the auto insurance sector, reactions were similar. “Effective immediately, GEICO will be offering a special ‘drunk drivers’ policy. So long as you promise to have at least four drinks within one hour prior to driving, we will lower your premium,” said Ratty Rhinos, a spokeswoman with the company.

Redefining rewarding risk

“This is a fantastic development, and right in line with the financial philosophies that our fine country has adopted of late,” said Federal Reserve Bank chairperson Ben Bernanke. “This is a very clever adoption of the AIG policy, for example, of offering AAA insurance rates on bundles of worthless, subprime filth.”

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) was also quick to follow the trend. “Effective immediately, the FDIC will suspend insurance premiums collected from banks whose ability to remain a going concern is in question,” said FDIC Chairlady Sheila Blair, who also starred in the popular 1970s horror film “The Exorcist.”

Industry analysts say turning the insurance industry’s risk model on its head by offering its best rates to its most reckless customers would be a recipe for financial ruin.

Not so fast, say the very same insurance companies who are enacting the new policy, boasting that a creative way to solve that problem has been found – also, it says, in a manner consistent with the hottest political trends.

“We’re going to go ahead and get into the spirit of ‘spreading the wealth around,’ said Kilohertz Crabber, a spokesperson with America’s Health Insurance Plans (AHIP), an industry trade group. “It’s simple really, and a zero-sum equation. There’s no net loss of revenue involved here. We’re just adopting the theme of the socialists who now run the country.”

Crabber explained that as premiums for high-risk customers are lowered, those paid by low-risk customers will be proportionally raised. “Let’s say you’ve got a guy whose been driving for thirty years, no tickets, no accidents, doesn’t even pick his nose while he’s driving. Well, he’s probably been getting a break on his premiums, and it’s time for him to start pulling his weight.”

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs praised the industry’s efforts, which he called “self regulating.”

“The really neat thing about this is that it’s progressive and that they did it before we had to compel them to do it. That’s what we call proactive change. Instead of waiting for the government to change them, they changed themselves.”

Crabber, the industry spokesman, said eventually the policy would even be expanded to holders of life insurance. “A chain-smoking alcoholic who is 120 shouldn’t have to pay more just because he’s going to die any minute, at least not during the current political zeitgeist. But we’ll naturally have to offset the actuarial ramifications of that by charging an 18-year-old in perfect health say, $1,000 per month in premiums. It all works out in the end.”

Lent is a 40-day-long season of sacrifice observed by some Christian denominations, most notably, Roman Catholics. During the season, observers typically give up various comforts as a sign of penitence.

However, because it also plays the foil to secular traditions such as the annual rut-fest held in New Orleans, also known as Mardi Gras, it is generally well know among other religions and even militant atheists and has entered the popular lexicon. Lent begins this week.

“Not being a Papist, I don’t observe Lent myself, but I think most of us, regardless of our religious choices, grasp the concept,” the President said in making his announcement. “As I’ve tried to underscore on many occasions, our economic recovery will depend on lots of sacrifice, and the concept of sacrifice has been pretty well baked into Lent. So, this is a perfect opportunity for our banks to get into the spirit of sacrifice, to help us fully leverage the spirit of Lent.”

President Obama and his mouthpiece show support for Lenten mortgage relief

Although for now the suggestion has been phrased as a request, the administration warned it could be swiftly upgraded to a law. “If for 40 measly days they can’t help the consumers upon whose backs they’ve been laying the bricks of their ivory towers, we’ll see they spend 40 days in the desert,”  said militant Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi during arcane, rambling remarks made at her own follow-on press conference held after Obama’s announcement.

“And I know all about Lent,” she added. Pelosi, who proudly embraces her status as a prominent Cafeteria Catholic, accepts Lent but rejects other aspects of church doctrine that are inconvenient for her.  “Lent shouldn’t just be about ashes on your forehead. It should also be about helping people stay in their homes.”

Since Lent begins tomorrow, homeowners will enjoy immediate relief, as banks will be forbidden to collect mortgage payments for the following 40 days.

Clarifying the policy, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the Lent Mortgage Relief Act (LMRA), as it is called, is not simply an extended grace period. “What kind of sacrifice would it be if the banks got to recoup these payments later?” he asked. “They’d probably even expect interest. No, no. This will be a permanent reduction in the principle owed on the loan prorated according to the 40-day period that makes up Lent.”

Mosaic Manumit, president of the Deadbeats’ Executive Front Against Loan Terror (DEFALT), praised the president’s action. “This will be a lifeline to the over-extended consumer – the consumer who didn’t see this coming. Best of all, it is being extended to people of all faiths – including those who don’t observe Lent. If that’s not progressive, I’m not sure what is.”

But economists panned the plan. “This is another nail in the coffin of capitalism,” said Tackier Absinthe, who holds a doctorate in secular banking and teaches economic nihilism at Valkyrie University in Montana. “Worse still, it is also another nail in the coffin that separates Church and State.”

But according to Gibbs, LMRA is only the beginning. “We’re excited about introducing the Ramadan Mortgage Relief Act, the Advent Mortgage Relief Act and the Passover Mortgage Relief Act as well,” he said. “Of course these as well will apply to believers and infidels alike.”

Originally posted 2009-02-24 20:11:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The sudden recantation came just hours after the bank’s recent tangle with lawmakers over what one analyst called “spitting in the face of the American taxpayer.”

“With everyone complaining about government bailouts, executive bonuses and wasteful spending, we figured ‘Why not double our money the old fashioned way?’” said the bank’s CEO, Monty Swindles as he boarded his private jet near Wells Fargo’s corporate headquarters in San Francisco.

Bailout, schmailout says Wells Fargo.

“We gamble with people’s money every day,” he continued.  “And in these uncertain times, ROI’s aren’t guaranteed.  This way, we’ll know right away if it pays off or not.  Investors don’t need silly burdens like time standing in their way of profit.”

When pressed for further explanation of the brash and flippant remarks, Swindles simply responded by brandishing a rabbit’s foot charm, rubbing it softly as he disappeared into the plane.

Stunned by the news, President Obama planned an early morning press conference to address this shocking turn of events.

Originally posted 2009-02-05 22:37:43. Republished by Blog Post Promoter