As luck would have it, CNN’s weekday anchor Kyra Phillips was substituting for King’s corpse, which was undergoing routine scheduled maintenance, so Cosby’s desperate call was fielded by the guest host.

Cosby appeared not to notice.

“Listen Larry, I just want your viewers to take a look at you so they can remind themselves what an actual corpse looks like, and compare that to me, a living, breathing entertainer,” he said.

Bill Cosby may talk less than Larry King, but he's actually alive.

“No offense, Larry, but I’m only 73. I think most of your suspenders are older than that,” he added.

After a pause, he asked, “Don’t you all have a laugh track?”

“Seriously, people, I’m obviously not only alive, I’m vivacious. But the good news is that, as Larry has proven for several decades, death is no reason to give up what you love doing – so even when I do die, I ain’t going nowhere. Peace.”

With that, Cosby hung up.

When reached for comment, King’s corpse was being defragmented and unable to offer a comment before press time.

Originally posted 2010-08-04 09:30:30. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Browns Coach Eric Mangini couldn’t hide his excitement, saying, “Look at her!Her base is so wide that she looks deformed.She looks like she could shit out an ambulance.With that frame she should single-handedly shore up our run defense!“

“Besides,” Mangini continued with a grin, “from all the scouting reports, she’ll gladly take on the double team.”

Capable of shitting an ambulance in a single dump.

So is signing a vapid, brain-dead celebutard just a publicity stunt?General Manager George Kokinis acknowledged that’s part of the reason.“Lots of bad teams do PR stunts this time of year,” Kokinis admitted, “Buffalo signed Terrell Owens; Cincy has Ochocinco.We’re so bad we can’t even start a trend, but at least we can follow one.Let’s face it, we’re in desperate need some attention, and what better way than to sign the biggest attention whore around?”

Kokinis defends his decision as more than just a desperate plea for headlines, though. “Look,” Kokinis explained, “Nobody ever bought a ticket to see Kim Kardassian do anything, and our fans certainly aren’t going to buy one to watch her play football.The Browns wouldn’t do this if we didn’t need a widebody in the middle.  However, we’re also performing a service.We’re employing her in a manner where she can keep her clothes on and she doesn’t have to speak.The world ought to be grateful on both counts.”

Though her resume in the football world is every bit as thin as her resume in Hollywood (and every bit as thin as she pretends to be via airbrushing), the Browns feel that they have a diamond in the rough. “We know she’s not afraid to do the dirty work,” indicated Defensive Line Coach Bryan Cox. “We’re hoping that her desperation will rub off on the rest of the locker room.”

When asked if having a woman on the team would cause problems in the locker room, Cox answered, “With all that cellulite, we’re not particularly concerned.But the trainers have stocked up on penicillin just in case.”

Originally posted 2009-08-11 13:07:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Ani Adagio, chairman of the NEA, is convinced the upward trend is due solely to relaxed readability levels and “remedial plot structures.”

“To improve any measured success rate, you must either increase your real achievement or lower your standards. Clearly, we, as a society, have chosen the latter,” she said, pointing to recent reading fads such as “Harry Potter,” “Bridget Jones,” and “any of the pre-chewed pulp churned out by Oprah’s book club.”

The NEA claims 50.2% of U.S. adults managed to read at least one whole poem over the past year

Indeed, a generation ago, 1,000-page epics such as “Atlas Shrugged” were able to command best-seller status with complex plotlines that treated abstract concepts such as philosophy, politics and other metaphysical subjects.

“Writing like that is like flossing with piano wire to the modern reader,” said Adagio. “For today’s author, you’re much more likely to retain readers’ attentions with characters sporting Elven ears, spacesuits, or, preferably, both.”

Even more troubling, Adagio admits, is the fact that it is impossible to gauge the accuracy of the survey, in which 50.2% of U.S. adults claim to have read at least one poem, short story, play or novel in the last year.

“Are they counting online reading?” asks Adagio. “Does someone who just went online to check out the lyrics to ‘Big Pimpin’ qualify that as having read a poem? We don’t know, but we suspect so.”

Adagio suspects that an “Internet-adjusted literacy rate” of about 10% is more likely. “But we just don’t have the funding to confirm that.”

Originally posted 2009-01-13 20:05:07. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The controversial show, in production since 2004, has been beleaguered with bad PR in recent years, including the suicide of a prosecutor who was the patsy during one of the show’s heavy-handed hybridizations of law enforcement and entertainment.

The show has also been criticized for a woeful conviction rate, a conflict of interest with Perverted Justice, the organization it fronts, and for allegations of entrapment.

The latter charges spring from the fact that members of Perverted Justice enter Internet sex chat rooms where they pose as under-age lascivious teens and woo adult members with   absurdly wanton come-ons, often aggressively persisting until their marks relent and agree to participate in a preposterous, sex-filled romp at a decoy house that, unknown to the “perp,” is filled with hidden cameras, a platoon of heavily armed paramilitary assets, a gaggle of key grips, sound- and cameramen, a lissome house-elf that serves as the final visual and vocal decoy and, most ominously, Chris Hanson.

Now, producers say, the show is poised to put all of those allegations behind it, thanks to its rollout of young but seasoned porn stars, who will relieve the sprightly, foul-mouthed but untouchable, quickly vanishing tarts that have been a hallmark of the show since its inception.

The step, while radical, was the “last and best option” available, insiders say. Other tweaks, such as adding a laugh track, were considered and deemed “too safe” to have the desired impact on viewers.

“You’ve got to have that final motivation to lure the bad guys inside, especially with word of our show spreading,” said Chris Hanson, the gravelly voiced icon of the show, who is affectionately  known by Perverted Justice and other vigilante groups as “The Granddaddy of Gotcha.”

“For the lion’s share of our history, just having a sexy ‘barely legal’ with a ridiculously high-pitched voice preen around the doorway with a plate of cookies or lemonade was more than enough to get these scumbags to step inside, giving me the chance to take over,” Hanson continued. “But despite all our success, we – and our viewers – were left wanting.”

Leave it to the pros - sprightly, shrill-voiced nymphs (left) will be replaced by actual porn stars.

For one thing, Hanson says, the convictions weren’t devastating enough. “Sure, many times these were felonies, and certainly we were able to ruin dozens of lives over thought crime directed against an imaginary person, and that’s good stuff – good enough for a laugh track, but we felt there was room for more.”

That’s when producers lit upon the idea of retaining seasoned sex professionals to take the place of the effective – but hands-off – nymphets that have typically served as Hanson’s sidekicks.

“We got to thinking, there’s plenty of really talented porn stars who look like they’re underage,” noted Hanson. “We know they’re willing to give up their bodies for their profession, and we figured, ‘why not take this show up a notch?’”

Starting with the show’s next season, details of which are being closely held, a diminutive porn star will beckon the unknowing thought-perverts into the trap house, then quickly disrobe and rut with the target, all of which will be captured on camera.

Hanson will spring into frame at the climax of the scene, proffering a robe and bearing the perp’s chat transcript and his usual litany of questions.

The rest of the show will remain unchanged: following a sacerdotal inquisition by Hanson, the target will be ambushed by a film crew aimed only at humiliating the subject, the entire chain of events having already been captured in excellent quality by hidden cameras and sound equipment.

This will be followed by the standard coup de grâce in which the subject is arrested with exaggerated physical enthusiasm on the threshold of the home as he attempts to exit the property.

The big difference, stress producers, is that perps will now be able to be charged with more robust crimes, since an actual physical act will have occurred. “We’ve moved past talk, and gotten into action,” said one executive with the show who asked not to be named because he is not authorized to speak to the media without a permission slip from Chris Hansen.

“To really ratchet up charges, we’re even toying with the idea of having underage porn stars – you can get them offshore really easily – participate, after signing a waiver, of course. That would really land some serious convictions.”

The one drawback, the show admits, is that it will have to be heavily edited when shown on its flagship network, since NBC cannot show X-rated footage. But producers say a deal is in the works with a cable partner, where it will be made available “uncut on a pay-per-view basis.”

Originally posted 2009-06-09 17:33:54. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Accustomed to traveling incognito, the head of Al Qaeda’s global operations goes even deeper undercover to mingle anonymously with front-line workers, gauge their morale and learn first-hand how his decisions are affecting the quality of life for his terrorists,” read a CBS press release promoting the show.

“We can’t think of a more dramatic person to guest on the show,” said Charma Might, director of publicity for Undercover Boss.

Although CBS wouldn’t release the entire outline, it shared some key moments from the show, in which Bin Laden poses as a Qaeda new hire by the name of Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage.

Bin Laden in his "Undercover Boss" disguise. For religious reasons, the beard had to stay.

In one scene, Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage visits an improvised explosive device (IED) manufacturing facility, located in a large ditch in a valley along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.

During the segment, Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage is shocked to find his employees live and work in makeshift hovels, rather than the comfortable cave he enjoys at Qaeda headquarters. And, he can’t believe it when he sees them eating maggots and rotten fruit rather than the more nutritious locusts and honey-dipped beetles he enjoys at Qaeda Central.

“I was impressed with their level of sacrifice and determination to do a good job in difficult conditions,” Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage said through a CBS interpreter, before beheading him. “I am going to have Ayman al-Zawahiri, may the sweet nectar of Allah’s blessings be upon him, look into this immediately.”

Al-Zawahiri is executive vice president and chief operating for Al Qaeda Holdings, inc.

The show also helped “improve communications” within the organization, boasted Qaeda spokesperson Adam Pearlman, a former death-metal reject from California who embraced radical Islam as a way to escape his monumental mediocrity and who now lives in an Undisclosed Location among cockroaches, rat droppings and Bin Laden and goes by the nom de guerre Adam Yahiye Gadahn.

As evidence, Pearlman/ Yahiye Gadahn pointed to another scene that will be depicted on the show. In the segment, Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage arrives at a busy Qaeda infidel slaughterhouse where kidnapped Westerners are beheaded. While there, overworked terrorists complain to him about the poor quality of the scimitars they wield in beheadings.

“You would think the company, may Allah grant it peace, serenity and the suffering of millions of infidels at the point of its monotheistic sword, could at least provide us with quality tools to do our job,” complains Bandar Mishaal bin Mutaib al-Rahman bin Talal Aziz, a senior decapitator at the slaughterhouse, to Bin Laden/Abdul-Muhaimin bin Abdul-Muttalib bin Bassam bin Nazeem bin Walliyullah El-Hage.

But even as Aziz is complaining to the ostensible new-hire, he presses on in his grim task of laboriously sawing off the head of a struggling British copper miner clad in the signature orange jumpsuit Al Qaeda clothes its captured infidels in.

Although dialogue is difficult to discern during the beheading due to the infidel’s pitiful screams, it will be clear enough to viewers that a winded Aziz manages to complete the beheading in just under five minutes.

During the follow-up segment at the end of the show in which the unsuspecting frontline-terrorists are invited to Qaeda’s cave headquarters, a smiling bin Laden reveals his identity to Aziz, warmly embraces him and explains the  scimitars are dull by design.

“It greatly prolongs the suffering of the infidel, may Allah curse him a thousand-fold and deny him almond-eyed virgins,” he tells Aziz, who, gripped in sudden epiphany, then falls to his knees and is drawn up by bin Laden to receive an emotional bear hug.

“Once the frontline worker has a comprehensive understanding of both the strategy and tactics of the Company, he can better see that that which benefits the Company benefits him as well, and conversely, what which harms the Company harms him,” explained Pearlman/ Yahiye Gadahn. “This show has a clear-cut Human Resources value add for us, praise and thanksgiving be to Allah, the merciful avenger of infidel aggression.”

At the end of the show, as is customary, the undercover boss bestows gifts upon the coworkers he has surreptitiously worked alongside of. CBS won’t reveal what treats bin Laden will provide at the show’s end, but sources within the network tell W&E they include a goat, a virgin sheep and a 1996 Victoria’s Secret catalog. Editors note: while radical Islam preaches extra-marital chastity, such rules do not apply to infidel women, whom the holy warrior is free to plunder with reckless abandon or, more practically, to toss off to in a magazine.

The show is scheduled to air in late November.

Originally posted 2010-10-20 21:25:37. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The meticulously oiled, endearingly ape-faced man-pastry, Mesnick, first captured the hearts of American women when he signed up to get dumped on ABC’s “The Bachelorette.”  The fan favorite was a natural to rebound into the next season of The Bachelor, but shocked and disappointed America by dumping contracted bride-to-be Melissa in favor of season finale reject Molly during the taping of the much-anticipated “After the Final Rose.”

“Evidently, it took several ABC-sponsored whorefests for me to fully appreciate my own gayness.  I’m not one to deny my feelings, not at all, I’m a big fan of following one’s heart.  In fact, that’s why I dumped Melissa, because I’m really tuned in to what the heart wants, you know?  My heart wanted the amazing Molly first, then Melissa, who really is amazing.  Then my heart really wanted Molly again, mostly because she’s so amazing.  So, my heart was satisfied. The problem is, my penis wasn’t.  I just recently found out that my penis wants Chris Harrison. Chris is just amazing, I mean really amazing.  He’s always there when you need him, he has this way of just materializing when you’ve got a tough situation to deal with, like trying to select your lifemate from a sea of estrogen-fueled man-traps.  He’s so amazing.”

Mesnick offers Harrison the final "bro-rose"

Chris Harrison, the remarkably unmemorable host of hundreds of television shows, has refused to comment, but He Loves You, He Loves You Not, West Hollywood’s premiere gay-only floral delivery service, claims they have delivered 72 dozen long stemmed red roses to Harrisons Beverly Hills mini-mansion, all sent from Mesnick.

Mesnick is currently negotiating with ABC for the top spot in the first ever “The Gay Bachelor,” which should join ABC’s fall lineup.

Originally posted 2009-03-06 11:42:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Ferguson identified the celebrity in question as “That Guy – you know – he was in that movie with That Blond Chick and That Fat Guy – the one where all the stuff blows up.”  Ferguson observed “That Guy” walking through Terminal 3, presumably en route to a gate where he might then board an airplane.  Additionally, Ferguson fantasized about That Guy traveling to an exotic destination and doing a multitude of fabulous and interesting things, the likes of which mere commoners can only daydream.  The idea that someone of That Guy’s stature might fly coach on a puddle jumper back to Shreveport, La. to visit his maternal aunt in an obligatory, banal weekend never occurred to Ferguson.

Who is That Guy? Is it Clint Eastwood? Maybe Fred Dryer? Maybe Kelsey Grammar? If you watched That Movie Where Stuff Blows Up, you'd know.

The Chicago Investigative Bureau assigned Examiner Nick Sherlock to the case.  Sherlock promptly uncovered several inconsistencies in the reported sighting.

“First of all, we have no physical evidence here,” he began, “no footprint, no Fritos™ bag, no DNA samples, hair follicles, nothing.  Not even a latent fingerprint from a casually discarded latte cup.  Ferguson didn’t even get a cheap, low-grade cell phone picture.”

In response, Ferguson indicated, “I really did see him.  I couldn’t believe it!  It was so exciting!  But I didn’t want to, you know, stalk the guy or anything.”

Sherlock additionally questioned numerous inconsistencies in the story.  Chiefly, he challenged the idea that despite the crowded airport, not a single other soul has collaborated the sighting of “That Guy.” Also, vital details remained incomplete; Ferguson could not identify the brand of shirt, cologne, hairstyle, or other earth-shattering information that everyone absolutely must know.  Disappointingly, he described the shoes as “nice… brown loafers.”  Not only that, he didn’t even follow That Guy to his gate so that he could blab That Guy’s destination to all the other voyeurs.

Sherlock then consulted noted Psychologist Clancy Bertram, of the Chicago Psychology Institute.  Bertram indicated that celebrity observation is a common phenomenon amongst the bored and the generally pathetic.  “Many people lack fulfillment in their own lives,” he began, “so they use celebrities as a fantasy world into which they escape.  These people are generally just too lazy to get a life for themselves.  Instead, they immerse themselves in the likes of ‘People’ magazine and obsess over its contents.  Even a simple idea like getting a hobby is too much effort when they can be spoon-fed a different disposable flavor each issue.”

Bertram continued, “We must consider the distinct possibility that the patient imagined the entire sighting.  Perhaps he just saw someone who looked like a celebrity?  Perhaps he has some deep-seated issue with his mother?  Irrational behavior like this could harbor a manifestation of deeply rooted psychological trauma.”

However, Bertram does not believe this to be the case.  “Most likely,” he concluded, “this imagined connection with someone famous could be an attempt to somehow indirectly raise him up from the muck of humanity and elevate himself above his peers in their eyes.  Next thing you know, he’ll be seeing Elvis.   Or perhaps Bigfoot?  If only he would just read a book or maybe even try bowling instead – but then I wouldn’t be able to charge these exorbitant fees.”

Ferguson’s excitement would not diminish.  “I can’t wait to tell all my coworkers all about how I saw That Guy,” he exclaimed.  “Last year, Bob from Finance said he saw That Talk Show Host having an ice cream at a café on Wacker Drive, but this is even better.  This is at an airport!”

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed suburb outside Chicago, Ferguson‘s friend Maury Slocumb took off his “That Guy” Halloween costume and laughed about wearing it through O’Hare airport.

Originally posted 2009-11-19 18:52:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Well, almost.

Teen schlock flick factory Lionsgate has optioned the rights to the story with a projected release date set for fall of this year.

Desert island dilemma? Or easy excuse for suicide? You decide.

The movie, tentatively titled He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not is being billed as a dark comedy/horror feature and will focus on a heartbroken cheerleader’s revenge against her ex-boyfriend – the high school quarterback – after discovering that he – gasp – loves another girl.

The film is set to star Juno’s Ellen Page as the unstable cheerleader who snaps and High School Musical heartthrob Zac Efron as the heart-breaking quarterback. No word yet as to who will play his newfound love.

Writer/director Gosh Dreck, 39, describes the film as “a look into the dark side of the true-to-life vapid youth stereotype soul.”

“I mean, seriously, those three jokers on that show are supposed to be adults. But this puerile blubberfest shows how spoiled, stupid and useless today’s 18-34 year old’s really are. God forbid they ever breed!” Dreck added.

No tearjerkers here, unless you’re Melissa Rycroft. Sniffle.

Originally posted 2009-03-05 13:51:50. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Instead, the show’s producers insist, the action was taken purely for practical reasons.

“We like to tape in front of a studio audience of young children, and during the production of the segment with Elmo, several of the kids saw her and thought she was a wet nurse,” explained Samantha Dunbottom, an executive producer who was involved with planning the skit with Elmo and Perry.

Dunbottom explained that many of the children who enjoy access to the studio tapings come from over-privileged families in New York City where the use of wet nurses is a well-established entitlement and tactile caste differentiator, often settling the difference between run-of-the-mill elitism and authentic hauteur.

A good source of calcium? Perhaps, but not as wholesome as Ice-T.

“Anyone can have a nanny,” noted Dunbottom. “But a wet nurse? That’s taking it to an entirely different level.

“That says ‘I want the natural health benefits and moral high ground that only breast milk can deliver, but I also want the convenience of formula feeding without the guilt that comes with that, so I pay someone else to let my child milk them like a cow.

“It’s a great reminder of a family’s esteem, so a lot of these kids are familiar with the practice.”

That familiarity, says Dunbottom, proved problematic during rehearsals.

“Quite frankly, too many of the children viewed Katy as a food source and just would not concentrate on the education we were trying to provide,” she said. “It was just counterproductive.”

Dunbottom stressed that the show’s past history of questionable celebrity guests proves the decision was not a concession to parents who argued Perry, a fun-loving role model whose videos include fellatio simulations and boast of her ability to melt boys’ ‘popsicles,’  was too bawdy to appear on a children’s show.

“We’ve had Richard Pryor, Larry King, Cheech Marin, Ice-T and Kim Cattrall on,” she noted. “Clearly, none of them were appropriate for young children, but the show went on. The difference is, none of the kids wanted to eat any of them.”

Pryor and Marin were raunchy comedians when they appeared. Larry King is an undead TV personality from another era who frightens women, children and battle-hardened war veterans alike.  Ice-T espouses cop killings, and Kim Cattrall played a sex-crazed cougar on “Sex in the City.”

None received the outcry Perry’s planned appearance has.

Originally posted 2010-09-23 15:53:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Vassalboro, Maine – Controversial broodmaster Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, mother of 14 children, including the recent batch of eight that were hatched via in vitro fertilization, has agreed to accept an employment offer at a topless café in Maine, her publicist confirmed today.

“Victor,” refusing to divulge his real name, said his beleaguered client decided to accept the job offer after postponing a lucrative debut in the porn industry and after repeated publicity stunts proved fruitless.

Suleman, who is divorced and lives with her parents in their mortgage-delinquent home in Los Angeles, has faced growing criticism for increasing her brood 133 percent even as she continued to collect food stamps and disability payments for three of her preexisting children.

At the beginning of her sudden celebrity, which some are already calling the “longest 15 minutes in history,” it appeared her wanton self indulgence might pay off. Reports quickly spread that Suleman was seeking $1 million from famously gullible Oprah Winfrey as payment for an appearance on her show.

Got milk?

Meanwhile, Suleman retained “Victor” and eagerly pursued a number of other publicity stunts, such as the publicly staged squabble with her mother over her ill-advised decision to mass-reproduce.

None of these efforts panned out, and in recent days, Octomom’s newfound fame has even turned on her. With widespread news of her financial status and with no lucrative deals yet inked, the suburban Los Angeles Kaiser Permanente Medical Centre, where Suleman spawned her brood, has reportedly warned that it might not release the children to her if it believes she cannot provide for them.

Now, in an eleventh-hour proposal to put her on stable financial footing, porn production company Vivid Entertainment has offered the postnatal pauper $1 million to star in one of its movies. To receive the payout, Suleman would have to appear in “eight different scenes with eight different men.”

“She’s struggling financially and this is a woman who wants to provide for her kids,” Vivid CEO Stephen Hirsch told Fox News. “This way she can hold her head high and not be using taxpayers money to support her family.”

Suleman rejected the offer, but not the concept. Rather than being taken aback by the concept of copulating eight-fold under the lights, her demurral sprang from concern over the unsavory spectacle that would confront porn audiences viewing her in action in her current state.  “Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away,” she said.

To financially bridge the gap while Suleman burns off her baby fat, “Victor” says she will work at Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine. The coffee shop has enjoyed national news attention for its recent decision to go topless in an effort to lure more customers. “This is much safer for her and for the public. She won’t be nude, just topless. And in her state, she can offer something to customers that none of the other girls can.”

“This is a great cobranding opportunity,” agreed Buffoonery Comes, owner of the shop. “We’re especially excited about her lactating status. She will be able to offer customers cream right from the tap, and we’re also adding a breastmilk cappuccino to our menu.”

Suleman will start at the café next month.

Originally posted 2009-02-26 20:26:23. Republished by Blog Post Promoter