The meticulously oiled, endearingly ape-faced man-pastry, Mesnick, first captured the hearts of American women when he signed up to get dumped on ABC’s “The Bachelorette.”  The fan favorite was a natural to rebound into the next season of The Bachelor, but shocked and disappointed America by dumping contracted bride-to-be Melissa in favor of season finale reject Molly during the taping of the much-anticipated “After the Final Rose.”

“Evidently, it took several ABC-sponsored whorefests for me to fully appreciate my own gayness.  I’m not one to deny my feelings, not at all, I’m a big fan of following one’s heart.  In fact, that’s why I dumped Melissa, because I’m really tuned in to what the heart wants, you know?  My heart wanted the amazing Molly first, then Melissa, who really is amazing.  Then my heart really wanted Molly again, mostly because she’s so amazing.  So, my heart was satisfied. The problem is, my penis wasn’t.  I just recently found out that my penis wants Chris Harrison. Chris is just amazing, I mean really amazing.  He’s always there when you need him, he has this way of just materializing when you’ve got a tough situation to deal with, like trying to select your lifemate from a sea of estrogen-fueled man-traps.  He’s so amazing.”

Mesnick offers Harrison the final "bro-rose"

Chris Harrison, the remarkably unmemorable host of hundreds of television shows, has refused to comment, but He Loves You, He Loves You Not, West Hollywood’s premiere gay-only floral delivery service, claims they have delivered 72 dozen long stemmed red roses to Harrisons Beverly Hills mini-mansion, all sent from Mesnick.

Mesnick is currently negotiating with ABC for the top spot in the first ever “The Gay Bachelor,” which should join ABC’s fall lineup.

Originally posted 2009-03-06 11:42:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Ferguson identified the celebrity in question as “That Guy – you know – he was in that movie with That Blond Chick and That Fat Guy – the one where all the stuff blows up.”  Ferguson observed “That Guy” walking through Terminal 3, presumably en route to a gate where he might then board an airplane.  Additionally, Ferguson fantasized about That Guy traveling to an exotic destination and doing a multitude of fabulous and interesting things, the likes of which mere commoners can only daydream.  The idea that someone of That Guy’s stature might fly coach on a puddle jumper back to Shreveport, La. to visit his maternal aunt in an obligatory, banal weekend never occurred to Ferguson.

Who is That Guy? Is it Clint Eastwood? Maybe Fred Dryer? Maybe Kelsey Grammar? If you watched That Movie Where Stuff Blows Up, you'd know.

The Chicago Investigative Bureau assigned Examiner Nick Sherlock to the case.  Sherlock promptly uncovered several inconsistencies in the reported sighting.

“First of all, we have no physical evidence here,” he began, “no footprint, no Fritos™ bag, no DNA samples, hair follicles, nothing.  Not even a latent fingerprint from a casually discarded latte cup.  Ferguson didn’t even get a cheap, low-grade cell phone picture.”

In response, Ferguson indicated, “I really did see him.  I couldn’t believe it!  It was so exciting!  But I didn’t want to, you know, stalk the guy or anything.”

Sherlock additionally questioned numerous inconsistencies in the story.  Chiefly, he challenged the idea that despite the crowded airport, not a single other soul has collaborated the sighting of “That Guy.” Also, vital details remained incomplete; Ferguson could not identify the brand of shirt, cologne, hairstyle, or other earth-shattering information that everyone absolutely must know.  Disappointingly, he described the shoes as “nice… brown loafers.”  Not only that, he didn’t even follow That Guy to his gate so that he could blab That Guy’s destination to all the other voyeurs.

Sherlock then consulted noted Psychologist Clancy Bertram, of the Chicago Psychology Institute.  Bertram indicated that celebrity observation is a common phenomenon amongst the bored and the generally pathetic.  “Many people lack fulfillment in their own lives,” he began, “so they use celebrities as a fantasy world into which they escape.  These people are generally just too lazy to get a life for themselves.  Instead, they immerse themselves in the likes of ‘People’ magazine and obsess over its contents.  Even a simple idea like getting a hobby is too much effort when they can be spoon-fed a different disposable flavor each issue.”

Bertram continued, “We must consider the distinct possibility that the patient imagined the entire sighting.  Perhaps he just saw someone who looked like a celebrity?  Perhaps he has some deep-seated issue with his mother?  Irrational behavior like this could harbor a manifestation of deeply rooted psychological trauma.”

However, Bertram does not believe this to be the case.  “Most likely,” he concluded, “this imagined connection with someone famous could be an attempt to somehow indirectly raise him up from the muck of humanity and elevate himself above his peers in their eyes.  Next thing you know, he’ll be seeing Elvis.   Or perhaps Bigfoot?  If only he would just read a book or maybe even try bowling instead – but then I wouldn’t be able to charge these exorbitant fees.”

Ferguson’s excitement would not diminish.  “I can’t wait to tell all my coworkers all about how I saw That Guy,” he exclaimed.  “Last year, Bob from Finance said he saw That Talk Show Host having an ice cream at a café on Wacker Drive, but this is even better.  This is at an airport!”

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed suburb outside Chicago, Ferguson‘s friend Maury Slocumb took off his “That Guy” Halloween costume and laughed about wearing it through O’Hare airport.

Originally posted 2009-11-19 18:52:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Well, almost.

Teen schlock flick factory Lionsgate has optioned the rights to the story with a projected release date set for fall of this year.

Desert island dilemma? Or easy excuse for suicide? You decide.

The movie, tentatively titled He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not is being billed as a dark comedy/horror feature and will focus on a heartbroken cheerleader’s revenge against her ex-boyfriend – the high school quarterback – after discovering that he – gasp – loves another girl.

The film is set to star Juno’s Ellen Page as the unstable cheerleader who snaps and High School Musical heartthrob Zac Efron as the heart-breaking quarterback. No word yet as to who will play his newfound love.

Writer/director Gosh Dreck, 39, describes the film as “a look into the dark side of the true-to-life vapid youth stereotype soul.”

“I mean, seriously, those three jokers on that show are supposed to be adults. But this puerile blubberfest shows how spoiled, stupid and useless today’s 18-34 year old’s really are. God forbid they ever breed!” Dreck added.

No tearjerkers here, unless you’re Melissa Rycroft. Sniffle.

Originally posted 2009-03-05 13:51:50. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Instead, the show’s producers insist, the action was taken purely for practical reasons.

“We like to tape in front of a studio audience of young children, and during the production of the segment with Elmo, several of the kids saw her and thought she was a wet nurse,” explained Samantha Dunbottom, an executive producer who was involved with planning the skit with Elmo and Perry.

Dunbottom explained that many of the children who enjoy access to the studio tapings come from over-privileged families in New York City where the use of wet nurses is a well-established entitlement and tactile caste differentiator, often settling the difference between run-of-the-mill elitism and authentic hauteur.

A good source of calcium? Perhaps, but not as wholesome as Ice-T.

“Anyone can have a nanny,” noted Dunbottom. “But a wet nurse? That’s taking it to an entirely different level.

“That says ‘I want the natural health benefits and moral high ground that only breast milk can deliver, but I also want the convenience of formula feeding without the guilt that comes with that, so I pay someone else to let my child milk them like a cow.

“It’s a great reminder of a family’s esteem, so a lot of these kids are familiar with the practice.”

That familiarity, says Dunbottom, proved problematic during rehearsals.

“Quite frankly, too many of the children viewed Katy as a food source and just would not concentrate on the education we were trying to provide,” she said. “It was just counterproductive.”

Dunbottom stressed that the show’s past history of questionable celebrity guests proves the decision was not a concession to parents who argued Perry, a fun-loving role model whose videos include fellatio simulations and boast of her ability to melt boys’ ‘popsicles,’  was too bawdy to appear on a children’s show.

“We’ve had Richard Pryor, Larry King, Cheech Marin, Ice-T and Kim Cattrall on,” she noted. “Clearly, none of them were appropriate for young children, but the show went on. The difference is, none of the kids wanted to eat any of them.”

Pryor and Marin were raunchy comedians when they appeared. Larry King is an undead TV personality from another era who frightens women, children and battle-hardened war veterans alike.  Ice-T espouses cop killings, and Kim Cattrall played a sex-crazed cougar on “Sex in the City.”

None received the outcry Perry’s planned appearance has.

Originally posted 2010-09-23 15:53:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Vassalboro, Maine – Controversial broodmaster Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, mother of 14 children, including the recent batch of eight that were hatched via in vitro fertilization, has agreed to accept an employment offer at a topless café in Maine, her publicist confirmed today.

“Victor,” refusing to divulge his real name, said his beleaguered client decided to accept the job offer after postponing a lucrative debut in the porn industry and after repeated publicity stunts proved fruitless.

Suleman, who is divorced and lives with her parents in their mortgage-delinquent home in Los Angeles, has faced growing criticism for increasing her brood 133 percent even as she continued to collect food stamps and disability payments for three of her preexisting children.

At the beginning of her sudden celebrity, which some are already calling the “longest 15 minutes in history,” it appeared her wanton self indulgence might pay off. Reports quickly spread that Suleman was seeking $1 million from famously gullible Oprah Winfrey as payment for an appearance on her show.

Got milk?

Meanwhile, Suleman retained “Victor” and eagerly pursued a number of other publicity stunts, such as the publicly staged squabble with her mother over her ill-advised decision to mass-reproduce.

None of these efforts panned out, and in recent days, Octomom’s newfound fame has even turned on her. With widespread news of her financial status and with no lucrative deals yet inked, the suburban Los Angeles Kaiser Permanente Medical Centre, where Suleman spawned her brood, has reportedly warned that it might not release the children to her if it believes she cannot provide for them.

Now, in an eleventh-hour proposal to put her on stable financial footing, porn production company Vivid Entertainment has offered the postnatal pauper $1 million to star in one of its movies. To receive the payout, Suleman would have to appear in “eight different scenes with eight different men.”

“She’s struggling financially and this is a woman who wants to provide for her kids,” Vivid CEO Stephen Hirsch told Fox News. “This way she can hold her head high and not be using taxpayers money to support her family.”

Suleman rejected the offer, but not the concept. Rather than being taken aback by the concept of copulating eight-fold under the lights, her demurral sprang from concern over the unsavory spectacle that would confront porn audiences viewing her in action in her current state.  “Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away,” she said.

To financially bridge the gap while Suleman burns off her baby fat, “Victor” says she will work at Grand View Topless Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine. The coffee shop has enjoyed national news attention for its recent decision to go topless in an effort to lure more customers. “This is much safer for her and for the public. She won’t be nude, just topless. And in her state, she can offer something to customers that none of the other girls can.”

“This is a great cobranding opportunity,” agreed Buffoonery Comes, owner of the shop. “We’re especially excited about her lactating status. She will be able to offer customers cream right from the tap, and we’re also adding a breastmilk cappuccino to our menu.”

Suleman will start at the café next month.

Originally posted 2009-02-26 20:26:23. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The 46-year-old Depp, who this week was awarded People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” accolade for the second time, was aboard the Maersk Alabama in the hopes of gaining “real life” experience working with pirates. Depp is best known for his work portraying androgynous captain Jack Sparrow in Disney’s billion-dollar Pirates of the Caribbean movie series.

“We warned him of the dangers, that these were not like the romantic pirates you see in the movie,” said Paul Rochford, captain of the Maersk Alabama, “but he wouldn’t hear it. He just kept saying they were ‘his people’ and how much he wanted to immerse himself in his role more than ever before.

“He kept talking about something he called the ‘Pirate Code of the Brethren’ and said there was no way another pirate would hurt him. In fact, he said our entire ship would be safe just by his presence on board and even tried to talk us out of being armed.”

Depp - Futility on the Bounty

Hollywood Insiders speculated that Depp may have been under pressure to come up big in his third reprise of the Sparrow role, having accepted a $55 million fee to appear in “On Stranger Tides,” which is the fourth generation of the amusement park tale and had been scheduled for release next summer.

According to Rochford, Depp stayed in character during the entire voyage and insisted on wearing his gaudy 18th-century pirate costume at all times.

“We made contact with Somali pirates about 6:30 a.m. on Wednesday,” said Rochford. “They approached us in a skiff, and Johnny rushed out to the edge of the quarterdeck and kept trying to hail them, even after they opened up on us with automatic weapons fire.

“Johnny just kept yelling stuff like ‘Ahoy, me mateys,’ ‘Go on, take a caulk!’ and ‘Show me your Letters of Marque or I’ll pillage your poopdeck!’

“I’ll never forget the look on his face when they screamed back at him in Arabic, something about Allahu Akbar, and then shot him in the face.”

Rochford described the strike as a “glancing blow” that grazed the star’s famous jawline before impacting his bombastically massive hat. “They were shooting up at us from the water line, so the round bounced off Johnny’s cheek  and then went up and through his hat. It’s all we’ve got left of him, but it’s got a mighty big hole in it.”

According to Rochford, Depp was knocked off balance by the bullet and pirouetted over the side, bellowing “Avast ye, Avast! You’ll not send me to Davey Jones’ loc-” before being engulfed by the waves.

The Maersk Alabama quickly repelled the attack by returning fire and assailing the scrawny Somali brigands with a powerful acoustic weapon.

A subsequent 10-minute search of the area failed to locate Depp.

“It’s kind of sad,” said Rochford. “I think the guy really thought he was a pirate. But we don’t have time to drift around out here looking for him. We’ve got shipments to make and besides, there are more real pirates out here.”

Disney has said it is already conducting a search for Depp’s replacement. It would not provide details about who was on the short list other than to stress that it did not include Richard Grieco despite an active lobbying campaign by his publicist.

Originally posted 2009-11-18 19:47:26. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Native Americans are more likely than any other ethnic group to produce portly toddlers, a fact that adds insult to injury, says Marsha Whitefeather, head of the Native American Positive Image Foundation (NAPIF) and co-creator of the  new “Dora the Explorer” character, Eyanosa. “Native Americans have been marginalized for centuries. Now they’re saying that Native American kids are fatter than everyone else. It’s just not right.”

Nickelodeon spokesperson Randy Delquist wants the American public to understand that fat should transcend culture. “We want to reinforce the message that being big isn’t always about eating, it isn’t always about genetics, it isn’t always about ethnic predispositions. Many times, it’s just who we are. Some people are big, some people are small, it really doesn’t have that much to do with how much we eat, or the types of food we eat, or the types of exercise we do, or do not, do. It doesn’t have to do with our cultures, our habits, or anything like that.”

Dora weighs in

Eyanosa, which is Sioux for “big both ways,” will appear in six new episodes of Dora scheduled to air in the fall. In the episode that introduces Eyanosa, Dora meets her new friend as a hungry eagle tries to make a meal of the boy, but is unable to fly away because the boy is too heavy. “Big and round, stays on the ground!” exclaims Dora, hugging Eyanosa, when he is dropped to his dimpled knees by the exhausted eagle. Dora, Eyanosa and the eagle make an unlikely trio, as Dora and her new friend help the eagle to locate a more appropriate meal.

Whitefeather hopes that Eyanosa will do for the Native American community what Dora herself has done for the Hispanic community. “People love Hispanics now, because of Dora, and to a lesser extent, Diego. Cartoons really have a way of opening people’s eyes to the lovely differences between God’s peoples.”

Originally posted 2009-05-01 10:06:31. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Exclusive! Obama fliming a screen test of potential Travel Channel show

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, announced at a press briefing this morning that President Obama is mulling resigning the presidency in favor of hosting his own show on The Travel Channel.

“The presidency has offered the President unparalleled opportunity to explore his true passion: travel – or more specifically, vacationing,” said Gibbs. “The Travel Channel contacted him just after, what was it, vacation number four? and pitched a new show with the President as host. Obviously, the President will weigh this offer very carefully.”

Since entering office, President Obama has taken six vacations in less than 20 months, including his latest last week at Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts.  He has also logged 47 [update] 48 rounds of golf.

Later in the morning, press pool reporters following the President during his jaunt to the famous New England island asked if he was seriously considering resigning.

“Let me be clear,” said the President. “My backswing is still not where it should be, and I haven’t been to Yellowstone yet. So I have not made up my mind. Plus, I’m not sure even a travel show could match the vacation opportunities I enjoy as president.”

Details of the proposed show have slowly leaked out to the press. As host of the show (the working title of which is currently “Left-Wing Leisure Log with Barack”), the President will demonstrate the secrets of vacationing on someone else’s dime, such as avoiding hotel mini-bar fees by blaming missing booze on the previous room occupant.

“I think over the past couple of years I’ve really honed my craft,” Obama told reporters while setting up his tee for the 8th hole at the Vineyard Golf Club at Martha’s Vineyard. “Every month I get a little better. I pick better hotels, I find better restaurants,” said the President as he lined up his shot. “I’ve developed an eye for spotting the best aspects of a particular travel destination,” he said, as he awkwardly swung into a vicious slice to the left.

“Sure, there are those who will say I don’t have the experience, or that I’m too new to the industry. But they are merely obstructionists attempting to thwart my travel itinerary. I fully believe that I’ve packed more exciting and fulfilling trips into my short time in office than the average American will experience in his lifetime. And I haven’t even appointed my new Vacation Czar yet!”

Gibbs agreed. “There has never been a savvier president then this one when it comes to vacation planning. As a matter of fact, he arranged a splendid retreat for my family in the Catskills that was absolutely superb. Very relaxing. The man really knows his way around Expedia.”

When asked if President Obama should be more focused on the duties of being president – even if he intends to resign, or only serve a single term – Gibbs merely chuckled, then sat down cross-legged behind the podium and played his Game Boy.

Mr. and Mrs. Obama find themselves trapped at a gate in Martha's Vineyard. Secret Service members freed the First Couple 90 minutes later

Other world leaders agree that Obama’s travel acumen is high enough to qualify him as a travel host.

“He revealed my own country to me in a manner that was both informative and entertaining,” said former British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. “He took me to a lovely Armenian restaurant in Chelsea which I’d never noticed before. The food was delicious, reasonably priced, and Mr. Obama’s post-dinner review was, of course, articulate and enticing. Plus, he managed to get the diners at the next table to pay for it.”

A spokesman from The Travel Channel confirmed that the network has indeed offered the President the gig, and is awaiting his decision. He also said, however, that the original concept would have partnered Barack with another host. “Early on, we thought about pairing him with a co-host. However, Sarah Palin balked at the pay cut. Plus, I think Obama was a little put off that she had more travel experience than he did.”

The President says that regardless of whether or not he accepts the offer, he expects the future holds many more vacations for the First Family. “You don’t have to wait until you’re 65 to live like you’re retired, know what I mean?”

Asked what was up next on his travel radar, Obama said, “I know I should probably be heading to South Korea to discuss the deteriorating diplomatic conditions of the Korean peninsula, or to Russia to discuss the Iranian nuclear build-up, but I’m just not interested in those destinations. Instead, I’m heading to Provence to tour of some really exquisite wineries, and perhaps scout some upscale bed and breakfasts. Who knows,” the President said with a wink, “maybe the trip will make it on TV.”

Originally posted 2010-08-31 15:24:34. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Compare someone to Hitler –anyone,” implored Jake Rotgutt, one of the millions of football fans who enjoy Sunday and Monday night football but “can’t stand the awful music they insist on leading off with.”

“We look for hope anywhere, even in Hitler analogies,” he said tearfully.

However, that hope is tempered by the realization that it took 20 years to get rid of Williams.

“20 god-awful years of that god-awful song,” said Rotgutt, referring to the second-generation country wailer’s grotesque adaptation of his own already-hideous song, “All My Rowdy Friends,” which has assaulted the ears of Monday Night Football fans before every game since 1991.

“Will it take Faith 20 years to come up with her own Hitler analogy? Let’s hope she’s quicker than he is,” said TV critic Foster Peeples, who, like 99% of non-deaf people, experience flulike symptoms when exposed to Hill’s take on “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night,” an appalling recast of Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself For Loving You.”

Music critic Skeet van der Grunge noted, “Ironically, although “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night” was bastardized from a far better song than we experienced with the self-plagiary of Hank Williams Jr., the end result was far worse, especially when considering the visual malady created by the arthritic gyrations of Faith Hill in an overstuffed leather suit.

“Apparently she still thinks she’s sexy, but any appeal she has left is quickly overwhelmed by prancing vulgarities like Ray Lewis, who are green-screened behind her.”

When asked if NBC would commit to firing Faith Hill the moment she unveils her own Hitler analogy, network spokesman Brad Pumpernickle said, “That’s like asking Hitler in 1938 if he had plans to invade Poland. Let’s not speculate, Why worry about things that haven’t happened yet?”

Macchio, clad in in a wife beater and black pants, strutted around the stage and opened the night by bellowing trite, scripted Gaga tribute couched in faux sarcasm in the same castrato pitch that characterized his brief acting career before screeching out a performance of her latest effort, “You and I.”

At one point during his threshing, he appeared poised to attempt a reprisal of his famed “crane kick” before thinking better of it. He would later say backstage that he aborted the maneuver because he realized no one in the crowd recognized him.

“They thought I was Lady Gaga in drag or something,” he said. “No way! My voice is way higher than hers.”

Lady Gaga said she agreed to let Macchio open the show in exchange for the original Gi he wore in Karate Kid and the ridiculously oversized headband that accessorized it. The Gi ensemble consists of jacket, pants, and belt, all of which Gaga has promised to incorporate in an upcoming costume, although she refused to provide details other than that they were “last washed in 1984 by ‘Pat’ Morita.”

For his part, Macchio is hoping the surprise appearance will reignite his flagging acting career and allow him to recapture the Karate Kid role from teen actor Jaden Smith, who starred in the franchise’s most recent update.

“Look at me,” a breathless Macchio said after being ushered out of the Nokia theatre by security personnel. “I look as young as Jaden.

Macchio today (right) appears every bit as pre-pubescent as he did in the 80s (left).

I can kick as high as him. These [security] guys are lucky I’m saving myself for the movies – I can still do this.”