CLEVELAND – In a surprise move today, the Cleveland Browns signed defensive tackle Kim Kardassian to bolster their defensive line.Kardassian, officially 28 (but probably closer to 31), did not attend college and has no professional experience – in football, at least.
Browns Coach Eric Mangini couldn’t hide his excitement, saying, “Look at her!Her base is so wide that she looks deformed.She looks like she could shit out an ambulance.With that frame she should single-handedly shore up our run defense!“
“Besides,” Mangini continued with a grin, “from all the scouting reports, she’ll gladly take on the double team.”
Capable of shitting an ambulance in a single dump.
So is signing a vapid, brain-dead celebutard just a publicity stunt?General Manager George Kokinis acknowledged that’s part of the reason.“Lots of bad teams do PR stunts this time of year,” Kokinis admitted, “Buffalo signed Terrell Owens; Cincy has Ochocinco.We’re so bad we can’t even start a trend, but at least we can follow one.Let’s face it, we’re in desperate need some attention, and what better way than to sign the biggest attention whore around?”
Kokinis defends his decision as more than just a desperate plea for headlines, though. “Look,” Kokinis explained, “Nobody ever bought a ticket to see Kim Kardassian do anything, and our fans certainly aren’t going to buy one to watch her play football.The Browns wouldn’t do this if we didn’t need a widebody in the middle. However, we’re also performing a service.We’re employing her in a manner where she can keep her clothes on and she doesn’t have to speak.The world ought to be grateful on both counts.”
Though her resume in the football world is every bit as thin as her resume in Hollywood (and every bit as thin as she pretends to be via airbrushing), the Browns feel that they have a diamond in the rough. “We know she’s not afraid to do the dirty work,” indicated Defensive Line Coach Bryan Cox. “We’re hoping that her desperation will rub off on the rest of the locker room.”
When asked if having a woman on the team would cause problems in the locker room, Cox answered, “With all that cellulite, we’re not particularly concerned.But the trainers have stocked up on penicillin just in case.”
Originally posted 2009-08-11 13:07:47. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
