After 22 years, Bono’s quixotic search has ended. The U2 singer finally found what he’s looking for. The over-publicized quest ended last Sunday in a quiet neighborhood in Edinburgh, Scotland, at which point Bono, who never saw a microphone he couldn’t patronize, called a press conference to share his relief with the world.
Alas, even famous people battle constipation.
“Ya cannot believe the joy I ‘ave right now,” Bono said at the beginning of a 30 minute monologue/press conference where he announced his findings. “To spend over twenty years a-searchin’ an’ then finally find it. What an ordeal! I have climbed highest mountains and run through the fields. I’ve even scaled city walls just trying to find what I was lookin’ for. That’s a lot harder than it sounds, my friends - you try to find a walled city in this day and age. It ain’t the 1700s anymore, mate. For Christ’s sake, I been lookin’ since before I even wrote that bloody song back in 1987!”
Bono, 49, born Paul David Hewson, is famous for his constipated voice and for loving everyone in the world - except Americans. Despite being well-known for his scruples, he never lets his feelings stand in the way of lining his pockets with American dollars. Originally the singer for the pompous alt-rock band U2, Bono transcended mere rock-stardom to take his pretentiousness into the realms of politics, where he attempts to shame people into giving their money away. Between his band and his philanthropic endeavors, he travels the globe – with cameras never far away to make sure everyone knows about his caring public persona.
That guy! Right there! He looks American! Get him out of here! But get his wallet first!
An unexpected rainstorm short-circuited the camera crews, and Bono found himself alone, sans-cameras, in a nondescript Edinburgh neighborhood where the streets have no name. As such, it appears that his discovery will be a rare undocumented moment in his life. This didn’t stop Bono from sharing the news with the world.
When a reporter from FOX News asked him if “running through fields” last Tuesday wasn’t best left to “the sort of men who sing along with The Sound Of Music,” Bono defended himself. “I am not some Nancy-boy,” his androgynous brogue rising even higher than usual. “Besides,” he added with a wry grin, “that lot that was burnin’ inside ‘er? Nothin’ a li’l penicillin couldn’t fix, ‘ey mate? And it wasn’t Tuedsay, ‘ya nitwit. It was Sunday, Bloody Sunday, got it?”
Does Bono have a taste for sheep offal? Does anyone?
So after all this time, what did Bono finally find? Despite rambling for 30 minutes about his saga, and about how Americans are “greedy bastards,” and about how there are poor children the world whose misfortunes he can manipulate, Bono never did actually tell us. Perhaps he intended to keep his finding a secret? Perhaps, on some level, he realized that for all his aggrandizing, nobody really cares? However, a source close to the band who was with Bono in Edinburgh revealed one possibility.
“Haggis,” the source revealed. “Mmm… haggis.”
So does Bono have a fancy for minced sheep offal? He has scheduled another press conference tomorrow where he’s expected to spend two hours discussing the subject while ranting about all that poverty stuff under the misguided belief that anyone gives a shit.
Originally posted 2009-10-08 13:56:51. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
