Posted by LOS ANGELES – Former UCLA Bruin quarterback Troy Aikman completed two college courses this week and will finally graduate, twenty years after he left school for the NFL. In addition to fulfilling a promise to his mother, the NFL Hall of Famer’s story served as an inspiration to at least one teammate. Backfield-mate Emmitt Smith, who somehow received a diploma from the University of Florida in 1996, has returned to Bellview Elementary School in his hometown of Pensacola, FL, to learn remedial English.
“I first notice there was… …were some speakin problem when I got fired from job at ESPN, where on NFL Countdowns,” said Smith, “but I knew it were time to gets help when I tried to type up my resu… my res… my List of Job. Not only did my word prospector get blowed up, but my computer gets blowed up, too.”
ESPN doesn't pay Emmitt to speak. Oh, wait.
Bellview Principal Orville Burgess originally declined comment, citing privacy reasons. She eventually agreed to the following statement:
“Emmitt is functionally illiterate. The staff at Bellview Elementary and I are pleased to assist him in any way we can. Please allow him the privacy to sit in the little kiddies’ desk without public scrutiny in this brave time and please no cameras during recess. I must admit to laughing when he said that ‘Tom Brady needs to get in his lineman’s behind.’ It’s almost a shame we won’t hear any more such wisdom.”
At press time, this publication is still attempting to confirm that the school specifically banned Troy Aikman from visiting Smith due to allegations that he scared several of the little boys.
Reaction at the University of Florida, Smiths alma mater, was mixed. “We certainly wish Emmitt all the best.” said University Chancellor Dr Bernard Machen. “He may be illiterate, but he’s still a Gator.”
“Unfortunately, there were a lot of things that happened back when Steve Spurrier was coach which we aren’t proud of now,” Machen continued. “Emmitt is just one disgrace of many from that era. A little part of me died every time he went on TV and tried to speak. I just hope he’s really trying to learn this time. He certainly never applied himself when he was here. I’m actually embarrassed that this university gave him a degree. On the other hand, some moron at ESPN actually thought it would be a good idea to pay him real money to speak in public.”
In Dallas, where Smith made his fame, the reaction was unconfirmed.
“How ‘bout them Cowboys?!” hollered one fan when asked about Emmitt. When asked his name, he simply yelled again, “How ‘bout them Cowboys?”
The fan took a deep breath, presumably to ask a third time – just in case anyone within the acre hadn’t heard him – but a mysterious man in a green jersey promptly punched him square in the mouth. The man in green then described his actions as “community service.” Next, he then proceeded to grab the Dallas fans Stetson hat and pass wind upon it, presumably continuing his community service project. Upon completion of this act, he next removed the fans Texas-shaped belt buckle from his designer jeans and introduced it elbow-deep into the fans intestinal cavity, where it now resides in close proximity to the Dallas fans head. Any relationship between the man in the green jersey and the writer should be dismissed as “purely coincidental.”
Estimates vary as to how long it will take Smith to complete his remedial training, but most experts figure it will take anywhere from 4 to 6 years for Smith to un-screw himself. Smith, however, is undeterred.
“This is important to… uh, for… uh, to… me,” Smith pleaded, “Like Jimmy V said, ‘don’t quit. Don’t even quit.’ And as my grammar get better, my writin get that much more better. And if Troy can graduamate, then why nots I? I has to change the stripes of this doggone leopard.”
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Is this supposed to be funny?
seriously? this is not funny… almost racists
The point of satire is to be humorous. You missed the point.
I agree with andrew….shouldnt satire be at least witty?
This wasnt even ‘lame SNL cute’
The writer is obviously an idiot lacking any real sense of humor. Probably a Phuck-head Philly fan who’s got the red ass about still not having any super bowl wins. Clearly a Cowboy hater. How ’bout you’re allowed to be funny when Philly wins a super bowl. Dumbass….
hahaha “your allowed to being fun when philly….”
agree 100 percent… this writer is a clown, only a coward would see something as positive as a grown man humbling himself enough to go back to college and get his degree and try to spin it as a “humerous” bashing of another individual who was not fortunate enough to have coaches, teachers, peers, or anyone for that matter who actually cared about him. this is sick and a waste of time. i hope this “gentlemen” (now thats satire) is not getting paid a dime for his mind fart he thought was worthy enough to be posted anywhere. this is trash
Nice job trying to take a stab at Spurrier, but Emmit left Florida the year before Spurrier’s first season as coach
haha
point and check lol
This person is an idiot.
This article is on exactly the correct site - Whine & Excrement…
My daughter pointed me to this post, and boy, now I’ve got to have a conversation with her about why she did that. And why she would ever read anything like this and why she would pass it on to me.
This post, which Prometheus evidently thinks is funny or satire or at the very least not just shit he wiped off his ass this morning… is shit.
Not funny.
Not satire.
It’s pathetic.
Now, I’ve got a phone call to make.
Please elaborate on why this is pathetic and shit?
Hmm, I think you might just be over reacting just a tad bit. A bit too much drama!
RT
http://www.anon-tools.us.tc
Oh please, sounds like you are all a bunch of butt hurt Cowboys fans. While this is not some ground breaking, uber humor, there is a hint of truth and humor.
I mean, have you ever watched Emmit on Fox? Its kind of sad.
We all know about the issues surrounding education with college and pro ball players.
I’ll give you a 6 outta 10 for this story. Not quite ‘TheOnion” but still a few lulz!
Lighten up, mouth breathers. Are all of you Gator or Cowboy fans? Jeez. Quit graduating / drafting morons if this burns you so much. And how is this even remotely racist, Robert? Are you implying black men and women all talk like this? Stupidity is color blind.
Sadly, most of the quotes within the quotes are Emmitt Smith’s actual utterances. He can’t conjugate verbs for crying out loud.
Garyb50: why did your daughter point you to this post? Maybe because she has a sense of humor, unlike her dullard for a dad.
Thank you, Prometheus for a good laugh today. Please ignore the politically correct a-holes who insist on ruining the lives of the rest of us because their skin is a micrometer thick and disproportional to their skulls. God bless America and the freedom of speech.
Thank you, Steve. Emmitt Smith came across as a blithering idiot on ESPN. Let the man be judged not by the color of his skin, but the stupidity of his words.
STEVE, thanks for that thoughtful comment. And I’m just so very very sorry for ruining your life.
Do you mind if I use that ” micrometer thick and disproportional to their skulls” quote? Because that is GENIUS ! ! !
TIA
this is hilarious…and if it were on the onion it would probably be the greatest article you ever read
and how is this racist? the author doesn’t mention anything about emmitt smith being black…morons…
Good stuff, there. The best satire leaves you wondering if it just might be true, and given how moronic Emmitt sounds when he opens his mouth, you do have to wonder… As a group, sports commentators are less-than-brilliant.(Gary Dornhoefer: “The way for the Flyers to beat this hockey club is to score more goals than they do.” I mean, come on.) And Emmitt made the rest of ‘em look smart.
If you can’t laugh at the kids on the short bus, then what can you laugh at? What’s this country coming to?
Keep up the good work, Prometheus. This was funny as hell.
Straight from the Emmit’s mouth:
http://walterfootball.com/emmitt.php
You ain’t sayin’ that Emmit looks like a horse, is you, Bob Wanker?
IS YOU???
If this story is racist, then me calling ben worthlessburger a dumbass is racist.
There is no such thing as racism…or cowards…or…clowns. Idiots.
WooHoo…. How ’bout them Cowboys! Hey, but if Donovan hadn’t got that headache against the Pats you’d have a SuperBowl win, too. Then you’d only be 4 behind the Pokes. WooHoo…. How ’bout them Cowboys!
this story kinda uhhh well it wasn’t really funny
Slightly funny but still pretty lame.
Lol, great article.
But on another note, it is good to see Troy Aikman graduate. Hopefully this sets a good example for other students and/or athletes who never finished college, but are thinking about coming back.
Dan,
Graduation Stoles
[...] Belated Aikman Graduation An Inspiration To Illiterate Teammate … [...]
Obviously there are many people who don’t see humor in the fact that a great many athletes, who have attended college, either lack the knowledge or the desire to conjugate verbs and speak properly. When simply noticing this fact labels someone as racist, I’d say we have officially lost as a society. All of us.