As luck would have it, CNN’s weekday anchor Kyra Phillips was substituting for King’s corpse, which was undergoing routine scheduled maintenance, so Cosby’s desperate call was fielded by the guest host.

Cosby appeared not to notice.

“Listen Larry, I just want your viewers to take a look at you so they can remind themselves what an actual corpse looks like, and compare that to me, a living, breathing entertainer,” he said.

Bill Cosby may talk less than Larry King, but he's actually alive.

“No offense, Larry, but I’m only 73. I think most of your suspenders are older than that,” he added.

After a pause, he asked, “Don’t you all have a laugh track?”

“Seriously, people, I’m obviously not only alive, I’m vivacious. But the good news is that, as Larry has proven for several decades, death is no reason to give up what you love doing – so even when I do die, I ain’t going nowhere. Peace.”

With that, Cosby hung up.

When reached for comment, King’s corpse was being defragmented and unable to offer a comment before press time.

Originally posted 2010-08-04 09:30:30. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Would 2,881 game seconds have saved the day?

MILWAUKEE – On New Year’s Eve, the Milwaukee Bucs lost narrowly to the Houston Rockets in Houston, 85-81. Today, the Bucs officially filed a protest with the NBA – not over an official’s call, but over timekeeping.

The game began at 7 p.m. EST, or midnight Coordinated Universal Time (UTC). It just so happens that at that exact time, a so-called “leap second” was being added to atomic clocks to compensate for orbital drag, which scientists say slows the earth’s spin and eventually causes it to be out of synch with atomic clocks.

Without the occasional “leap second” to offset the discrepancy, eventually – that is, in about 1,000 years – the sun’s highest point in the sky – an honor reserved exclusively for the noon hour – would instead occur sacrilegiously at 1 p.m.

Although many timekeeping devices throughout the world, such as cell phones, computers and others, should have automatically inserted the extra second around 12 a.m. UTC, the Bucs say that wasn’t a factor in what happened Friday because the adjustment was made right before tip off and didn’t effect actual game time as recorded on the scoreboard.

“We’ve analyzed the game, and, sure enough, it only took 2,880 seconds (48 minutes) in scoreboard time,” said Scott Skiles, coach of the 15-18 Bucs.

“I’m not saying we would have won for sure with that extra second, but who knows? A guy could have heaved a three in that extra second and gotten fouled. Boom, four points.”

NBA officials have said games rarely start at precisely the scheduled time, in this case, 7 p.m. and zero seconds. “Given that, there would be no way for the leap second to have been inserted into play time,” said NBA Commissioner David Stern.

Stern said the NBA will study the protest but added, “Even an atomic clock couldn’t measure how much time would have to pass before I agreed with their position.”

Originally posted 2009-01-02 08:27:01. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

NEW YORK – A growing number of U.S. scientists who are outspoken about the threat of global warming have concluded that, in spite of his progressive politics, MSNBC windbag Keith Olbermann is “part of the problem” when it comes to global warming, according to Princeton University scientist Joaquim Neutron.

“At least, as long as he has his show he is,” Neutron clarified. “The best thing he could do for the fight against global warming would be to simply shut up.”

Neutron said several independent studies confirmed that while global warming is caused mainly by humans, roughly 75% of that human input can be traced directly to the massive amounts of hot air Olbermann’s jowl-jiggling tirades generate during his sanctimonious political show.

Scientists had a unique opportunity to confirm the hypothesis during Olbermann’s contrived four-day suspension. While  Olbermann was banned from the MSNBC air waves for doling out cash to three of his favorite liberal politicians, Neutron said scientists noted an average daily decrease in carbon emissions of nearly 18,000 metric tons, or roughly what the nation of China puts out every day.

“This was similar to the empirical opportunities to measure the effects of contrails after commercial aviation was suspended in the wake of 9-11,” explained Neutron. “The data really are impeccable.”

Olbermann emits a carbon-heavy outburst of hot air.

Scientists will work closely with MSNBC to convince them to permanently remove the overrated sportscaster-turned-political-pundit, known as much for his billowing jowls, pearly whites and the ridiculously large spectacle frames that somehow manage to stand out among the leviathan features of his facial landscape as he his for any original political insight.

“We think if we sit Keith down and talk him through the numbers, he’ll understand that as passionate as he his about the need to stop global warming, he’ll accept that the way he can really help us is to step to the sidelines,” said Neutron.

“If he does that, everyone can get a Hummer and we’ll still be ahead. It’s a win-win.”



Originally posted 2010-11-09 08:36:00. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

ATA member airlines carry 90 percent of U.S. airline passengers, giving most passengers little choice in the matter.

Under the program, which begins next month, passengers will need to check in a minimum of three hours prior to departure, regardless of flight time and destination. The extra time will be used to administer a potent, quick-acting laxative that the ATA says will “guarantee a powerful bowel movement prior to boarding.”

The program has been dubbed “Clear Rectums for Airline Productivity,” or CRAP.

“Our member airlines carry more than 600 million passengers per year,” said Debit Memo, managing director of non-imaginary numbers for the ATA. “If you assume just eight ounces of latent pre-flight fecal matter per passenger, the CRAP program will lighten our load annually by 300 million pounds. That would save us 3 million gallons of jet fuel per year, which translates into at least 70 million fewer pounds of carbon each year in the atmosphere.”

Despite more than doubling energy efficiency between 1978 and 2007 – a far cry from the auto industry’s dismal performance during the same period – the airline industry has come under increasing pressure from environmentalist harpies to crack down on carbon emissions. “Because of their successful governmental lobbying efforts and our own desire to spend less on fuel, we have been moved to ‘take a CRAP,’” said Memo.

But CRAP is already creating a foul odor for passenger rights groups. Kate Hanni, the self-created micro-celebrity who hurled herself into the media spotlight after being stuck for hours on a plane grounded by a once-in-a-century thunderstorm system that affected half a continent, said, “This is an outrage. Passengers should have the right to poo wherever and whenever they want, including right in their over-priced airplane seats. I do, and will even more often now as a show of support to my fellow passengers.”

Hanni said she will raise the topic on her next trip to Capitol Hill – her 57th since founding the Coalition for an Airline Passengers’ Bill of Rights.

Airport officials, who initially expressed concern, now support the idea as a potential revenue-enhancing opportunity. Many major airports plan to dramatically increase the number of airport restrooms to make it easier for passengers to respond to nature’s urgent call, but will make them pay toilets, according to Airports Council International – North America (ACI-NA), a trade group for U.S. airports.

“By doing this, we can both ensure passenger convenience while offsetting the loss in segment fees that have resulted from the dramatic cuts in airline schedules during the recession,” said Vlad Tailstrike, a spokesperson with ACI-NA.

Troubled by the fact that many of the virulent bowel movements that are known to result from the airline laxative are bound to occur during the long, snaking lines that are a TSA legacy, the agency nonetheless supports the initiative, but only after making some changes of their own to accommodate it, said Pat Ironbra, a spokeswoman.

“We will add plastic containers, similar to hospital bed pans, that passengers can pick up, like the bins they place their laptops in. They will simply be able to relieve themselves right in line, without noticeably slowing the process”

Ironbra said that although the bins will be dumped when full, they will be immediately reused. “We have to be green as well, you know. Washing them would waste time and energy.”

Going green ... the brown way.

Memo, of the ATA, said the laxatives will be dispensed at ticket counters, automated kiosks and TSA checkpoint entries. Airline officials will be posted at each location to verify ingestion of the laxatives and validate boarding passes with a stamp, much like some bag-inspection and other airport clearance procedures are currently managed.

He would not offer details on what the laxative is made of, nor how it acts, saying only, “This not your typical, off-the-shelf laxative. When you take this, you will feel the effects usually within 30 minutes, no more than an hour, and they will be remarkable.”

“It’s very important that they be quick acting, as having the passengers moving their mail inflight would be a pointless waste of time,” he said, adding that the industry was considering a fee passengers could pay for the privilege of eschewing the laxative.

“Think of it as an excess baggage fee,” he said. “If you don’t want to leave your solid waste at the airport, you’re going to have to pay us to transport it, just like tourists hauling all those silly outfits they’ll never wear do now.”

Although the policy will not be enforced until next month, the airlines plan to start educating passengers about the new program beginning next week, when an informational campaign centered around the slogan, “Be Kind, Leave it Behind,” kicks off at the nation’s 15 busiest airports. In addition to signs, posters and LED messages, hired actors dressed as friendly, smiling-turd mascots will be on hand to distribute Q&A brochures.

Originally posted 2009-04-27 20:53:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

ST. LOUIS – Future hall of famer and part-time player manager Albert Pujols today explained the bizarre hit-and-run play during Game Five of the World Series in which the runner (slow-footed Allen Craig) ran, but the hitter-manager (Albert Pujols) didn’t even swing).

“The guy was a distraction for me down there on first base,” Pujols told reporters at the team’s daily media briefing today. “I wanted him gone because I couldn’t concentrate on hitting the ball out the stadium with him pestering me out of the corner of my eye.

“If I were a left-handed hitter, man, he’s still be there, or I mean he would have still been there when I hit the game-tying home run, but I’m a right hander. Not going to apologize about that.”

When asked directly if he had called the hit and run with the intent to not swing so Craig would be eliminated from first base, Pujols replied, “Him looming down at first base … it was awful. It was worse than having a splinter in your eye that you can’t get out. Yes … or maybe he’d steal the base, but then I’d have to put it on again to get him out of my sight.”

Craig has stolen five bases in his career.

After receiving the hit-and-run order from Pujols, which, according to Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, was transmitted via “buttocks – Albert touches his buttocks in a particular order to put it on,” Craig dutifully lumbered into action on the base path when the pitcher began his windup, only to watch Pujols impassively watch the pitch sail by.  

Rangers catcher Mike Napoli threw him out by several feet after pausing to tweet “watch this” to his followers.

Pujols was then intentionally walked.

“Dang, they walked me, so I didn’t even get to take a swing after getting rid of Craig,” said Pujols. “I guess that’s why Tony gets the really big bucks – he can think more than one move ahead.”

La Russa refused to criticize Pujols hit-and-take play – sort of. “Albert’s special. He’s a special guy, special ballplayer. He’s in the circle – the inside circle. He’s going to the Hall of Fame. He’s earned it, ok? He’s earned it. I have confidence in him. He’s earned the right to test that confidence by calling a hit and run and then not hitting, so we have a new play now, the take-and-run.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t call it – I thought I might have accidentally called it when I picked my nose before that at bat, but I didn’t. It was all on Albert, who is a great player.”

Originally posted 2011-10-26 07:08:18. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Because of the urgency of this matter, we had to move fast,” said
Wood. “But we still managed to put some careful thought into it. As it
turns out, Italy has the seventh-largest GDP output in the world,
compared to say, Indonesia, which is only ranked 20th.

There are many earthquake-prone regions in Italy

“Naturally, we want to make our foreign policy conform with the
socialist agenda we’ve adopted at home, so we had to adjust our aid to Italy by removing a substantial success penalty from our base
allocation. It’s all part of our plan to reward failure and punish
success.”

Wood also pointed out that Italy is largely pro-Western, Christian and
generally supports the United States’ foreign policy efforts in Iraq,
Afghanistan and elsewhere. “Contrast that with Indonesia, for
example,” he continued. “Indonesia is teeming with millions of
disenfranchised Islamic youth who dream every day of seeing the
imperialist pigs – that would be us – brought to ruin within their
lifetimes. I don’t think I can make it any clearer why Italy should
receive only a fraction of the aid we offered Indonesia after their
own 6.3-magnitude quake back in 2006.”

“It’s all about the winning of hearts and minds,” he added. “We’ve won the hearts and minds of Western Europe, so why pay them?”

The U.S. provided at least $5 million in aid after the Indonesian
earthquake in 2006, in which about 6,000 died and 36,000 were injured.

“Broken down into unit costs per victim, the U.S. aid to Indonesia
translated to $119.05, and to Italy it comes to $30.67. That 288%
premium for exotic anti-American lives vs. boring old pro-American
lives sounds about right on course for this administration,” noted
Boning Barker, chief largesse analyst for Calyon, a corporate and
investment banking leviathan based in London.

Although Wood wouldn’t confirm the exact method of computing the
premium, he acknowledged the numbers “pretty much reflect our formula going in,” adding that Western countries could still qualify for big U.S. payouts. “If it were a country with more volatility, more poverty – preferably both with a strong dash of anti-Americanism – you’d see more robust numbers – maybe an Albania, maybe a Moldova, maybe even a Turkey,” he added.

Originally posted 2009-04-06 21:26:01. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Ani Adagio, chairman of the NEA, is convinced the upward trend is due solely to relaxed readability levels and “remedial plot structures.”

“To improve any measured success rate, you must either increase your real achievement or lower your standards. Clearly, we, as a society, have chosen the latter,” she said, pointing to recent reading fads such as “Harry Potter,” “Bridget Jones,” and “any of the pre-chewed pulp churned out by Oprah’s book club.”

The NEA claims 50.2% of U.S. adults managed to read at least one whole poem over the past year

Indeed, a generation ago, 1,000-page epics such as “Atlas Shrugged” were able to command best-seller status with complex plotlines that treated abstract concepts such as philosophy, politics and other metaphysical subjects.

“Writing like that is like flossing with piano wire to the modern reader,” said Adagio. “For today’s author, you’re much more likely to retain readers’ attentions with characters sporting Elven ears, spacesuits, or, preferably, both.”

Even more troubling, Adagio admits, is the fact that it is impossible to gauge the accuracy of the survey, in which 50.2% of U.S. adults claim to have read at least one poem, short story, play or novel in the last year.

“Are they counting online reading?” asks Adagio. “Does someone who just went online to check out the lyrics to ‘Big Pimpin’ qualify that as having read a poem? We don’t know, but we suspect so.”

Adagio suspects that an “Internet-adjusted literacy rate” of about 10% is more likely. “But we just don’t have the funding to confirm that.”

Originally posted 2009-01-13 20:05:07. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“I know it sounds crazy,” stated NFL spokesman Bobbin Zilch, “but we think the fans will love it.”

In this artist's rendition, a player struggles to make a defensive field goal

The NFL has been under pressure lately to increase scoring. Some fans are even calling for it to keep pace with the production of NBA games, which routinely feature three-digit output on both sides of the ball.

“There’s something magical about three-digit sports scores,” said Ritalin Huffer, a spokesperson for the National Attention Deficit Disorder Foundation (NADD). “Our people have been moving over to the NBA but … what? Oh yeah, we like football, but it needs more scoring.”

“Although a few extra field goal attempts by players woefully unqualified for kicking would not significantly increase scoring in the near term, it could cause a buzz among both fervent and lapsed fans,” said Hive Tat, a TV ratings analyst based in Studio City, Calif.

The proposed defensive scoring option would work like this: Once the ball is no longer playable by the offense and still in bounds, as in the case of an incomplete pass, loose ball or interception, a member of the defense would have the option to individually attempt a dropkick-style field goal.

If the ball makes it through the opposing team’s uprights, it will count the same as an offensive field goal earning the defensive team three points. The scoring team would then kick off normally to their opponent.

If the attempt fails, then the offense would retain possession with a first down at the spot of where the “punt goal” kick was made.

As an added incentive to an interceptor attempting a kick, a successful field goal following an interception would be worth 10 points, since the defensive team would be risking a fresh possession in attempting its kick.

But some league purists have spoken out strongly against the proposal, cautioning it will take the sport “dangerously close to rugby.”

“This is football, darn it. This ain’t rugby. Rugby is godless and, even worse, communist,” said Jape Smother, spokesman for the Association for Semi-Retarded Footballers, Coaches and Vendors. “You want rugby, go to Europe.”

Indeed, the new scoring proposal has yet to gain a single team’s support – even the league’s worst.

“A what?! You got to be [expletive deleted] kidding me!” exclaimed Dart Feelings, newly named head coach to the winless Lions, when asked about the proposal.

Zilch, however, remains optimistic. “When you look at the numbers, it’s the defense that’s winning games out there. This way, they’ll now have the opportunity to not only score touchdowns and safeties, but field goals as well. Now that’s what I call evening the playing field!”

Originally posted 2009-01-04 19:41:09. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

His designer spectacles were unharmed.

The attack occurred when O’Donnell confronted Rove during a speech he delivered at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. During his remarks, Rove excoriated the Tea Party favorite for her questionable financial maneuvers, which include appropriating more than $20,000 in campaign funds to pay rent and other personal bills, and for the “nutty things,” she has said, among them her reference to witchcraft.

Is that a pentagram in the background, or just the Stars and Stripes?

“We all heard a strange noise from the sky, like a cackling sound,” said Justin St. Protestant, a student at the university. “I looked up, and there’s a woman on a broomstick flying in. If I hadn’t listened to the Harry Potter books on tape, I think I would have been in a state of shock.”

According to witnesses, after landing, O’Donnell rushed up to Rove, pointed a wand at him and began accosting him, first in English, then in an unknown tongue.

“She yelled ‘You want people to see witchcraft in a sympathetic light? How’s this?’ and then started chanting. There was a flash of light from the wand and Karl was gone, replaced by a giant, fat toad, icky!” said Ashley Funstudent, a pre-med major at the university.

Earlier, on “Fox News Sunday,” Rove had irritated Team O’Donnell when he urged the Republican insurgent to “explain it [her witchcraft] and put it in its most sympathetic light and move on.”

Rove was reacting to a replay of O’Donnell’s 1999 appearance on “Politically Incorrect” during which she admitted to having “dabbled into [sic] witchcraft” but stressed that she had never formally joined a coven.

During the same appearance, she said one of her first dates had taken place on an altar that, unbeknownst to her, was of the satanic variety.

It remains unclear if non-satanic altars form a regular part of O’Donnell’s dating habitat.

Despite his forced metamorphosis into a toad, Rove continued his speech and even took questions from the audience of dozens that were assembled to hear him, according to campus security officials.

“Beyond the first row, no one could really tell anything had happened, because it really didn’t change his look that much,” said one security officer who insisted on anonymity because he didn’t want to be associated with disparaging remarks about the former mastermind of George W. Bush’s policies.

Members of the school’s biology department were summoned afterward to help classify the toad, but the results were only partially conclusive.

“We know it’s a noxious toad, but we think we’re looking at a novel species,” said Dr. Timothy Crotchfly, senior herpetologist of the school’s Amniotes Studies program.

For her part, O’Donnell made a quick escape following her conjuring, mounting her broomstick and jetting away.

State and federal officials are reviewing the incident but sources in several departments say it’s unclear if any laws were broken.

A spokesman for Rove would only offer this: “Now when people call Karl cold-blooded, it really won’t be an insult anymore, so take that.”

Originally posted 2010-09-21 14:04:04. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

The decision sparked an immediate flurry of criticism from observers worldwide who pointed out that President Obama has accomplished essentially nothing in the 262 days he’s been in office, or at the very least nothing pertaining to a Nobel Peace Prize.

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin ...

As examples of nothing, critics pointed out the health care reform efforts that remained stalled despite both Houses of Congress being occupied by socialist majorities, a “Bush business as usual” approach to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and the continuing, decades-long impasse between Israel and the occupied territories in the Middle East.

Responding to the criticism, the Nobel Committee has moved quickly to explain its selection of Obama, hoping that by elaborating on the decision-making process they can quell the uproar.

“Once people understand our thought process, they will join us in congratulating Mr. Obama for this well-deserved honor,” insisted Nobel Committee Chairman Thorbjoern Jagland.

Jagland explained that last year, the Committee challenged itself to rethink the entire concept of peace. As a result, they formed a subcommittee made up of neo-stoic philosophers, left-bank Parisian baristas and board-certified Bodhisattvas.

After a month-long retreat in the Himalayas last December, the subcommittee reached a unanimous recommendation to the Nobel Committee: the ultimate incarnation of peace is inaction.

“We realized right away that the subcommittee had unearthed an Absolute Truth – be sure to capitalize that phrase,” said Jagland. “Right away, it changed our approach as we screened the nominees.”

Once affected by that paradigm shift, the Committee required little time to settle on the president, who was “obviously perfect and perfectly obvious,” said Jagland.

“We needed someone who embodies passivity, someone who knows how to use rhetoric to forestall action yet, at the same time, someone dynamic, energetic and famous. Obama was ideal.”

Even better, says Jagland, is that the non-actions of the president are the very things that, had they actually been accomplished, would be most likely to garner a peace prize under the old requirements of the award.

“He talks about free health care for everyone, about making peace in the Middle East, about finding water on the moon, about curing cancer and about holstering nuclear weapons. I think once he even talked about how nice it would be if we could reverse aging and control gravity.”

“He’s leading by example,” continued Jagland. “He knows his own inaction creates space for action on the part of the disenfranchised. This is what the rest of the world, especially the Russians, Iranian, Chinese and Al Qaeda, so dearly appreciate.

“This selection is pure genius,” said Jean-Philippe Pompeux, a professor of dysteleological ethics at Paris’ Center for Philosophical Inquiry who was not involved in the selection process. “Here we are reminded that as long as one is eternally becoming, one need not preoccupy oneself with being.

“It is not the destination – or even if one arrives at all – it is the journey that matters.”

Responding to criticism from conservatives that a policy of inaction and appeasement by the U.S. will only be rewarded by continued acts of demagoguery and violent expansion on the part of totalitarian countries, Jagland dismissed the notion of passing judgment on such developments.

“The U.S. is advanced; it’s a Western Democracy,” he said. “These other countries are still evolving, so you can’t apply a universal set of standards here. You don’t spank an unruly toddler, you allow him to keep expressing himself, keep bettering himself. Sometimes, things get broken along the way, but that’s the price of self discovery, and it’s well worth it.

“The man who recognizes that, who is willing to pay that price, is a true man of peace. President Obama has the world’s gratitude.”

Originally posted 2009-10-09 13:55:05. Republished by Blog Post Promoter