Author Archive

Super Bowl win expected to magically cure New Orleans

Super Bowl win expected to magically cure New Orleans

“The heavens will open, sunshine will spill forth, and all the ailments of New Orleans will disappear in the healing glow of the championship! All of them! Poverty? Gone! Corruption? Gone! All those damn fru-fru sounding French names? Gone!”

Earthquake Strikes Yellowstone, Frightens Woodland Critters

Earthquake Strikes Yellowstone, Frightens Woodland Critters

Fully 1/8th of our elk herd got severely frightened. It was so bad that a Grey Wolf missed as he tried to urinate on a tree.”

Weeklong Mountain Dew™ Shortage Culminates In Office Riot; Fourteen Maimed

Weeklong Mountain Dew™ Shortage Culminates In Office Riot; Fourteen Maimed

A temporary shortage of Mountain Dew™ spiraled out of control, culminating today in a riot at the Intellivation Corporation in which fourteen people were maimed. …

Everyone Loves Black Friday

Everyone Loves Black Friday

“Bro – it’s totally awesome. I’ll just like, take my skateboard down to the mall and like, watch, dude. All these old people just totally lose it. All the yelling. People just completely embarrass themselves, bro. Fights…..it’s awesome. Compared to them, I don’t look like such a loser. It’s like Cops! Only real!”

Ordinary Person Spots Celebrity

Ordinary Person Spots Celebrity

“I really did see him. I couldn’t believe it! It was so exciting! But I didn’t want to, you know, stalk the guy or anything.”

Steven Tyler quits Aerosmith - middle aged housewives horrified

Steven Tyler quits Aerosmith - middle aged housewives horrified

…Modern Rock Radio largely dismissed the announcement as irrelevant, and is not expected to bore their listeners by reporting this announcement as news.

Nation’s children too lazy to trick or treat

Nation’s children too lazy to trick or treat

“…our children are simply too goddam lazy to walk around the goddam neighborhood anymore.”

Bono Finally Finds What He’s Looking For

Bono Finally Finds What He’s Looking For

What an ordeal! I have climbed highest mountains and run through the fields. I’ve even scaled city walls just trying to find what I was lookin’ for. That’s a lot harder than it sounds, friends - you try to find a walled city in this day and age. It ain’t the 1700s anymore, mate.

Jimmy Hoffa found in office refrigerator

Jimmy Hoffa found in office refrigerator

I think he actually discovered the body behind some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter™ and a bag of leftover Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips™.”

Serena Williams admitted to mental hospital after ‘roid-fueled temper tantrum

Serena Williams admitted to mental hospital after ‘roid-fueled temper tantrum

At the request of USTA officials, Williams will undergo both steroid and gender-confirmation testing. Additionally, she will undergo a battery of psychological testing to try and determine exactly what the hell she was thinking out there and if she is stupid or something.

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