“Millions sick! Hospitals overwhelmed! Churches closed! The Surgical Mask will be this year’s ‘it’ fashion statement! If we could only somehow include a gleeful montage of exploding national landmarks, we’ll have every cliché covered.”
“The heavens will open, sunshine will spill forth, and all the ailments of New Orleans will disappear in the healing glow of the championship! All of them! Poverty? Gone! Corruption? Gone! All those damn fru-fru sounding French names? Gone!”
Fully 1/8th of our elk herd got severely frightened. It was so bad that a Grey Wolf missed as he tried to urinate on a tree.”
A temporary shortage of Mountain Dew™ spiraled out of control, culminating today in a riot at the Intellivation Corporation in which fourteen people were maimed. …
“Bro – it’s totally awesome. I’ll just like, take my skateboard down to the mall and like, watch, dude. All these old people just totally lose it. All the yelling. People just completely embarrass themselves, bro. Fights…..it’s awesome. Compared to them, I don’t look like such a loser. It’s like Cops! Only real!”
“I really did see him. I couldn’t believe it! It was so exciting! But I didn’t want to, you know, stalk the guy or anything.”
…Modern Rock Radio largely dismissed the announcement as irrelevant, and is not expected to bore their listeners by reporting this announcement as news.
“…our children are simply too goddam lazy to walk around the goddam neighborhood anymore.”
What an ordeal! I have climbed highest mountains and run through the fields. I’ve even scaled city walls just trying to find what I was lookin’ for. That’s a lot harder than it sounds, friends – you try to find a walled city in this day and age. It ain’t the 1700s anymore, mate.
I think he actually discovered the body behind some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter™ and a bag of leftover Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips™.”
Sweeps Week shocker planned: hubby to slaughter, butcher and eat wife on ‘Man Woman Wild’Swine flu – it’s like bird flu – only new!
Obama considers resigning presidency to host show on The Travel Channel
Dennis Rodman: Conquest of 2,000 women a ‘teachable moment’ for parents
Lohan checks more items off her “Bucket List” of celebutard achievements
Pelosi alleges conspiracy by “all Americans” to thwart her poll numbers
St. Louis Cardinals to hire Brandon Phillips as motivational speaker
