The meticulously oiled, endearingly ape-faced man-pastry, Mesnick, first captured the hearts of American women when he signed up to get dumped on ABC’s “The Bachelorette.”  The fan favorite was a natural to rebound into the next season of The Bachelor, but shocked and disappointed America by dumping contracted bride-to-be Melissa in favor of season finale reject Molly during the taping of the much-anticipated “After the Final Rose.”

“Evidently, it took several ABC-sponsored whorefests for me to fully appreciate my own gayness.  I’m not one to deny my feelings, not at all, I’m a big fan of following one’s heart.  In fact, that’s why I dumped Melissa, because I’m really tuned in to what the heart wants, you know?  My heart wanted the amazing Molly first, then Melissa, who really is amazing.  Then my heart really wanted Molly again, mostly because she’s so amazing.  So, my heart was satisfied. The problem is, my penis wasn’t.  I just recently found out that my penis wants Chris Harrison. Chris is just amazing, I mean really amazing.  He’s always there when you need him, he has this way of just materializing when you’ve got a tough situation to deal with, like trying to select your lifemate from a sea of estrogen-fueled man-traps.  He’s so amazing.”

Mesnick offers Harrison the final "bro-rose"

Chris Harrison, the remarkably unmemorable host of hundreds of television shows, has refused to comment, but He Loves You, He Loves You Not, West Hollywood’s premiere gay-only floral delivery service, claims they have delivered 72 dozen long stemmed red roses to Harrisons Beverly Hills mini-mansion, all sent from Mesnick.

Mesnick is currently negotiating with ABC for the top spot in the first ever “The Gay Bachelor,” which should join ABC’s fall lineup.

Originally posted 2009-03-06 11:42:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Franklin, who has given lessons on R-E-S-P-E-C-T by avoiding taxes, wearing fur, and refusing to perform with musicians who might be viewed as being more talented than she, is now demanding the chance to re-give her Inaugural performance, this time in a properly heated, indoor venue. “The violins were too loud, you could hardly hear me. My voice got tangled up in my Special Edition Hat. But, most importantly, it was cold,” says the Queen. “Everybody knows, I mean everybody knows, Aretha doesn’t sing in air conditioning. Well, God had the AC cranked way the f*ck up for Inauguration Day, didn’t He?”

Pro-fur, anti-AC

Franklin, who worries constantly that her vocal cords might become damaged if exposed to less-than-optimal conditions, requires that her concert halls be heated to a precise 88 degrees when singing, with no less than 65% humidity. Notorious for her diva-like attitude, Franklin doesn’t think twice about canceling an engagement if her stipulations are not met. “I carry a thermometer with me at all times, and that’s what I go by. If it doesn’t read 88 degrees, I’m out.”

Franklin says she was willing to relax her standards in light of the historical significance of Inauguration Day, but now feels the decision was a mistake. “I should have performed via satellite, from someplace warm.”

Criticisms were not only directed at the way Franklin sang, but also toward her general demeanor, which has been described as stoic. “To stand before the president, as ominous as a slab of granite, and to not even smile at the audience on such a momentous occasion, that seems less than gracious,” says music critic and president of Mellow Flavor Sounds, Jarrod Swells. “I know she’s been singing for hundreds of years, but at an event as significant as this, poise is just as important as performance.”

“Why should I have to do a song and dance?” mused Franklin. “He’s the president, right? Well, I’m the Queen. Queen trumps President, sorry Charlie. Don’t get me wrong, I love Obama, and I’m glad he’s president, but don’t pick on me for not smiling, not when I’m up there, doing what I do, every day. Queen gets what she wants, period, and if the president can take the oath of office more than once, then the Queen gets another crack at her song, and she doesn’t have to smile while singing it.”

In addition to warm temperatures, Franklin recommends a diet of deep fat fried products and heavy whipping cream for keeping the voice in top shape.

Originally posted 2009-01-22 19:50:29. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Native Americans are more likely than any other ethnic group to produce portly toddlers, a fact that adds insult to injury, says Marsha Whitefeather, head of the Native American Positive Image Foundation (NAPIF) and co-creator of the  new “Dora the Explorer” character, Eyanosa. “Native Americans have been marginalized for centuries. Now they’re saying that Native American kids are fatter than everyone else. It’s just not right.”

Nickelodeon spokesperson Randy Delquist wants the American public to understand that fat should transcend culture. “We want to reinforce the message that being big isn’t always about eating, it isn’t always about genetics, it isn’t always about ethnic predispositions. Many times, it’s just who we are. Some people are big, some people are small, it really doesn’t have that much to do with how much we eat, or the types of food we eat, or the types of exercise we do, or do not, do. It doesn’t have to do with our cultures, our habits, or anything like that.”

Dora weighs in

Eyanosa, which is Sioux for “big both ways,” will appear in six new episodes of Dora scheduled to air in the fall. In the episode that introduces Eyanosa, Dora meets her new friend as a hungry eagle tries to make a meal of the boy, but is unable to fly away because the boy is too heavy. “Big and round, stays on the ground!” exclaims Dora, hugging Eyanosa, when he is dropped to his dimpled knees by the exhausted eagle. Dora, Eyanosa and the eagle make an unlikely trio, as Dora and her new friend help the eagle to locate a more appropriate meal.

Whitefeather hopes that Eyanosa will do for the Native American community what Dora herself has done for the Hispanic community. “People love Hispanics now, because of Dora, and to a lesser extent, Diego. Cartoons really have a way of opening people’s eyes to the lovely differences between God’s peoples.”

Originally posted 2009-05-01 10:06:31. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

Swayze, the well-loved acting icon whose rise to fame was fueled by such films as “Dirty Dancing” and “Ghost,” passed away one day after the Video Music Awards aired. It was during the VMAs that West martyrized Taylor Swift by intimating that Beyonce should have won the award for Best Female Video instead of Swift.

Complaints and comments have been flooding the blogosphere regarding West’s condemnable action on-stage, but the criticisms have not only been directed at West. Many bloggers feel that West has already been given too much attention and that Patrick Swayze’s passing has been unfairly overlooked by the public.

“It’s an oversight that needs to be corrected,” internet user 2Juicy4Yooo uttered in a series of tweets. “Patrick Swayze was relevant, he was an icon, and he was a professional. Who the hell is Kanye West? He’s a suckling, a runt, and someone should put that motherf*cking baby in a corner.”

West, apparently disheartened by those encouraging a national shift of focus from the VMA debacle to Swayze’s death, lashed out in a recent blog entry, which mirrored his unscripted wrath to Taylor Swift onstage. West wrote: “Yo, Patrick, I’ma let you have your moment, but Michael Jackson had one of the best deaths of all time – one of the best deaths of all time!”

I spit magic

West continued his on-line rant by adding: “most celebrities, rich white celebrities, mostly, get to take breaks, they take time, they don’t get worn down. I’ve never had a break my whole life and it’s catching up to me. I’m a famous celebrity, I’m not white, but I’m plenty rich…I speak it like it is, I spit MAGIC and some people don’t like that and they get hurt. I’M SOOOOO SORRY about that, but I need a rest.”

He encouraged fans to show support by buying both Beyonce albums and Michael Jackson albums. “Patrick Swayze, everyone loves him, he’s great, but he can’t hold a candle to Michael. If you’d put it to a vote, Michael would win for best death and God is losing credibility by not setting this sh*t straight.”

West finished his tirade with this comment: “President Bush didn’t care about black people. President Obama is black and he still doesn’t care about black people. He called me an jackass. Well, at least I can get something reformed. I can get myself reformed. Put me in charge of health care and the whole system will be working inside a week. Print that.”

West’s comments remained on his Kanye Universe City blog for about 35 minutes before it was removed. It is unclear whether West himself removed the comments, or if one of his handlers deleted the post.

Originally posted 2009-09-16 19:13:21. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“I was wrongly accused of being a death-monger.  That’s just plain wrong.  I don’t even know what ‘monger’ means, but I’m pretty sure I’m not one.  I’m a good ol’ gal, a real Southern wit.  Anything I do, I do for the good of all that is good, you know, the really good things that are good.”

Playsmell-Blabbard says that having her auction canceled by Ebay put only a momentary cramp in her creative pursuits.  Having divided her time between sniffing glue and collecting vintage pornography while contemplating her next move, she now feels the time is right to once again try her hand at exploiting celebrity death.

“Look, the Caylee doll was clearly a mistake.  People just aren’t ready yet.  So, I’m focusing my tribute efforts toward older, more comfortable tragedies.  I’ve just completed a Nicole Brown Simpson tribute doll, and am just putting the finishing touches on my Charles Manson collection.”

In addition to trying to profit from public tragedy, Playsmell-Blabbard enjoys maintaining a narrow focus when it comes to politics, human rights, and current events.   “I’m not racist, I’m not elitist, I have plenty of multicultural friends.  Hell, my pool boy is Mexican – this is proof that I’m a humanist.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to start a new tribute doll, one that memorializes good taste, common sense, and compassion.  These are just some of the traits that have been dead to me and my cronies for years now.  I’m not sure of the details just yet, but I’m pretty sure the doll will have flowing red hair and I’ll probably call her ‘Dildo Yawn’.”

Usually, though, it’s Disney that’s  sitting in the plaintiff’s seat.  That’s the case with their current legal embroilment, which involves a U.K. reborn doll artist, currently known as Mrs. X, who has been using the name of a trademarked Disney character in her business name for years.

“Unfortunately, we are not able to reveal the name of the cartoon in dispute just yet,” said Disney spokesperson George Arden. “The owner of the business in question has been successful in procuring a gag order that forces us to remain silent until the proceedings have ended.  Apparently, she thinks she’s going to win this one and doesn’t want the publicity to negatively impact the sales of her outrageously priced collectibles.  So, at this point, all we can say is that the unnamed cartoon has been a representative of the magic of Disney for over 50 years.”

Arden says Disney was first made aware of the possible infringement in 2006, when a series of magazines printed stories about the doll artist and her reborn nursery.  “We were surprised at how difficult it became to track this woman down.  Even though we knew her name and her location, every time we’d get close, she’d slip away.  It turns out that Mrs. X is quite an accomplished photoshopper.  She photoshopped everything from addresses on file, to her business name, to publicity photos of herself.  She was skilled at repeatedly changing one small detail after another, until our legal team felt like it was chasing a ghost.  At one point, she even photoshopped the street she lived on, turning it into a river.  When our team came back with boats, they found that the river had been photoshopped into a path of molten lava.  It became very frustrating.”

It wasn’t until brilliant legal mind Pillow Spawn, Esquire stepped forward to offer her services that Disney was able to locate the woman in question.  “Ms. Spawn has more experience in writing cease and desist letters than any other person we know,” said Disney attorney, Wesley Smalls.  “She also has an acutely developed persecution complex.  By channeling her powers of paranoia, Ms. Spawn was able to visualize where Mrs. X was hiding.”

“It was easy,” says Spawn.  “I know what it’s like to have the whole world after you, to be jealous of you, to want what you have,”  said Spawn.  “I used my powers to locate Mrs. X.  It turns out she was hiding snugly betwixt the ass cheeks of one Mr. Swollen BlueComb.”

The trial is set to begin in May, but Disney expects the defense to request a string of continuances, pushing the realistic start date of the proceedings until the fall.

“The act of an adult male playing with a doll is, in itself, not that unusual,” says Dr. Vivian Wilkerson, professor of gender studies at the Remington-Barres University of Knowledge (RBUK)  “It’s the type of man that is often attracted to doll-play that becomes noteworthy.  Often times, men who pursue full time interests in doll collecting struggle from identity crises that transcend garden variety gender role confusion.  Many times what you will see is an adult man who is otherwise engaged in a ‘typical’ male lifestyle, but who secretly and desperately desires to live life as a woman.”

Researchers call this a classic reversal of the widely known and medically accepted phenomenon known as penis envy.  “Men who collect dolls, play with dolls, or associate with online doll communities often suffer from what we refer to as ‘womb envy,’” says Dr. Wilkerson.  “It can be more complicated than that, though,” she adds.  “Sometimes the underlying issue has to do with perceived sexual inadequacies, so the man acts out in the safest environment – playing with dolls.  Dolls don’t judge, don’t question, don’t criticize.  They are completely accepting of all failures.”

While this might sound like a reasonable form of self therapy, Dr. Wilkerson warns of negative outcomes. “Some men go beyond the mere desire to play with dolls and begin to practice harmful dominant behaviors, possibly in an attempt to apologize for their feminine tendencies by becoming outwardly aggressive.”

Often, the easiest and safest way to display this aggression is to become an online bully.  Participants of online doll forums are easy targets, not just because they share the common interest of doll collecting, but because these communities are frequently subjected to acts of jealousy by anonymous parties who infiltrate the communities with the sole intent of weakening their infrastructures.

Perhaps the strongest example of this lies in the recent actions of male doll collector and would-be moderator of the Internet entire, who asked to be identified only by the alias “Swollen BlueComb.”   Mr. BlueComb prides himself upon his ability to, without justification, harass web hosts into compliance with fabricated rules and regulations.

“I don’t care what people think, I only care what people type.  And they goshdarn better not type anything I don’t approve of, or I’ll go after ‘em.”  Among Mr. BlueComb’s latest conquests was a series of sites that hosted the much lauded and sensibly moderated “Dramatic Dollies” a place where most anyone was welcomed and encouraged to post.  “I admit, I got tired of them having so much fun.  I reported nonexistent violation after nonexistent violation, until I wore down the forum owners.  It was a chickenshit thing to do, no doubt, but it made me feel better.  I win!  I win!!  I’m a winner!  Look me winning!”

After several full minutes of giggling and unintelligible ranting, Mr. BlueComb added: “The world would be a better place if no one said anything bad about anyone else.  Or, at least if the bad things were said by only me, and a handful of my appointed representatives.  That’s it, though, no other bad things.  And, it would be better if we all wore pretty panties.  Look, I run my own forum, and I think that most forums are under-moderated.  We live in a global community, and it’s past time that community learned to shut its trap.  No one is interested in free speech, least of all me.  If you have an opinion that I don’t approve of, there’s a good chance I’ll shut you down.  Shut you down, I say!  I am, after all, a forum cop of sorts!”

Moderators of Dramatic Dollies are undaunted, though, and say they will continue to resurrect their online community, despite Mr. BlueComb’s efforts to shut them down.  In fact, to exemplify Dramatic Dollies’ giving nature, plans are being discussed to raise enough money to send Mr. BlueComb a year’s supply of fine silken ladies panties.

When plans to use mega-star Will Smith’s young son Jaden as the lead gave way to criticisms that the boy was too young to pull off the role, casting directors turned their attentions to Kid Rock, best known for his ability to combine urban hip hop rhythms and the angst of heavy metal with the carefree folly of country music.

Director Harold Zwart feels that Kid Rock is a perfect match.  “Kid is the ultimate bad-ass.  At least it’s believable that he could paint several hundred yards of wooden fencing without passing out.  Every time I watch Karate Kid, I think [Macchio]‘s going to need a transfusion, or at least a shot of B-12.  He looks like he’s suffering from pernicious anemia throughout the entire movie.  This time, we wanted a more robust lead, someone who looks like he could kick a little ass and not have to take a nap afterward.  We’re very happy with Kid Rock in this role, if for no other reason than his arms don’t look like they’re made out of rubber bands.”

strike first, hit hard, no mercy

Martin Kove, who played Kreese, the thick-necked leader of the Cobra Kai in the original film, agrees. “He’s the perfect guy to breathe new life into the character of Daniel Larusso. I mean, look at him, if anyone looks like they might need to throw a few punches at the Beverly Hills elite, it’s Kid Rock.  He still wears a mullet, for Chrissakes.”

Ralph Macchio, who was not approached to participate in the remake despite fierce lobbying on his part, has nothing but negative things to say about the project.  “Look, 1984 was like, what, almost 20 years ago.  Why are they trying to remake history?  You can’t.  They won’t.  They shouldn’t.  I mean, why this movie?  It’s like a fine work of art, or a a really classy piece of jewelry.  You can’t take a gold necklace, melt it down and turn it into a new gold necklace.  You just can’t do that.  It’s impossible.  It goes against science.”

Jackie Chan is set to reprise the role of gentle taskmaster Mr. Miyagi, although strong consideration is being given to Tyra Banks.  “Who says Mr. Miyagi has to be Asian, or male for that matter?” said Zwart.  “Welcome to the 21st century, you know what I mean?  Besides, the first Miyagi didn’t know squat about martial arts, why mess with that formula by bringing in someone like Chan?  Ms. Banks doesn’t know squat about martial arts, or acting for that matter.  I think it could be perfect.”

Audiences will have a chance to weigh in when the film opens, sometime next year.

Originally posted 2009-03-02 21:26:11. Republished by Blog Post Promoter

“Rihanna’s been blessed with an outpouring of love- her fans have always been solid,” said Rihanna spokeswoman Casheeda Orlinn. “She’s received everything from boxes of chocolate, to bouquets of flowers, to 50% off coupons for [the local video rental store]. Her fans are thoughtful that way, they are sending her tokens of support that will allow her to enjoy some quiet time at home, a chance for her to recover and regroup free from the public magnifying lens.”

But arguably, the gift that has made the biggest statement is the poem and a custom made, combination Benelli M1 Super 90 Shotgun Umbrella that was left anonymously with the doorman of Rihanna’s New York City penthouse.

The fully functional semi-automatic shotgun, housed in the handle of a purple umbrella (also working) and encrusted with thousands of glittering Swarovsky crystals, is fitted with a 14 karat gold target aperture sight. Included with the gift was a custom silver leather umbrella holster equipped to hold 20 rounds of ammunition.

Protects against Chris Brown and the weather

“There have been other umbrella shotguns on the market, but this weapon is really something quite extraordinary,” said gun collector and fashion designer Farland O’Duefer. “Not only is it a fine specimen of a Super 90, but it is an exquisitely crafted fashion accessory as well.”

The gun was left with a handwritten note in the style of the chorus of Rihanna’s pop hit “Umbrella” and read:

“Keep your head up, girl. We got your back, and so does this new Gunbrella. Next time, sing this:

When the gun shoot
You’ll bleed forever
Now that you’re bleeding more than ever
I don’t want to get chunks in my hair
Open my ‘brella stick it up into the air
And it sure keeps blood away like weather
Know that you’ll never hit another
You got blasted with my gunbrella
You got blasted with my gunbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Blastin’ my gunbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
With my gunbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
With my gunbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)”

Orlinn says that Rihanna, although touched by the sentiment behind the gift, is not yet prepared to sport the violent accessory, at least not in public. “Safety remains a top priority with Rihanna, but she’s not quite comfortable with flaunting a weapon this obvious. She might be interested in traveling with a smaller umbrella weapon, though, perhaps a poison dart gun fitted in a paper drink umbrella. She loves the idea of self-defense items that have been inspired by her music and is now considering working with a weapons artisan to design a product line that revolves around her music.”

Possible themed weapons include a knife with a breakaway blade inspired by the song “Break It Off” and a bullwhip inspired by the not-yet-released single “Slap Leather.”

“Most mothers have had sex. But not me. My entire life, I’ve wanted children, but I’ve never wanted to deal with a husband, or boyfriend, or any one who would make sexual demands of me. When you love children the way I do, there’s no time for the distractions of domestic partnership. A man would only get in the way and I’ve got babies to hold. No man has ever sullied my life-oven with his flesh sword, and no man ever will.”

Standing womb only

Brewster Wilefacto, who says he dated Suleman in high school, has no trouble believing that Suleman’s virginity is intact. “We went out about a half a dozen times. She told me that she would never have sex. I told her I thought girls who wanted to wait for marriage were hot. She told me that marriage wasn’t an option for her, because it would get in the way of motherhood. Crazy.”

Even as questions and criticisms continue to mount around the controversial breeder and the medical team that implanted the shocking number of embryos into her attention-hungry womb, Suleman is planning to further expand her family.

“My doctor tells me that, since I’ve already had octuplets, my uterus is very stretchy. He thinks I could probably handle 10, maybe even a dozen babies next time. Frankly, I’m ecstatic at the idea.”

Members of Suleman’s family have come forth saying that Suleman is incapable of caring for so many children and that to add more would be beyond conscionable.

To those who question Suleman’s ability to care for such a large family, she has this to say: “How many mothers really hold their children? Nobody holds their children. I think I’m probably the first mother in the history of the world who has ever held her children. And, because I’m so good at it, God gave me 14 of them to hold. I really do think I’m answering God’s call by growing cropfuls of children. Sometimes the Word of God can be heard in the whisper of the wind, sometimes it can be heard in the babble of a brook, and sometimes, it comes to you cradled lovingly in a petri dish.”

Suleman crossed herself before adding: “It’s possible, even likely, that since my children are immaculately conceived, that I could be the mother to the next Christ child. That would make a great reality show, wouldn’t it?”
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Originally posted 2009-02-10 08:55:10. Republished by Blog Post Promoter