In a shocking development, the Portland Police Bureau in Oregon has released a transcript of what it says is an audio tape of a ranting Al Gore threatening the woman who has alleged that he sexually assaulted her.

Former Vice President, Al Gore, preening before a night out on the town

“It starts off pretty deadpan,” said lead investigator, Paul Pearson. “You know, typical droning Al Gore stuff. It’s the reason why we didn’t release it until now. We just couldn’t force ourselves to sit through it. But by the end, he’s off the deep end. You’d think he was accusing her of betraying the country.”

A spokesperson for the former Vice President and failed candidate of at least three Presidential election counts said in a written statement that Gore denies the authenticity of the recording. “The issue is decided. There can be no more debate. It doesn’t matter that there is contradictory evidence, or suspicion of foul play,” read the statement.

Below is the full release of the transcript, with “W” as the “Woman” and “A” as Al Gore:

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

[sound of phone picked up]
W:  Hello?
[sound of heavy breathing]
W:  Helllloooo??
A:  I’m very disappointed in you.
W:  Who is this?
A:  You should know that I can’t be toyed with.
W:  Is this Ben Stein?
A:  I — what? No! No, it’s not Ben Stein. Ben Stei– why in the world would you think–
W:  Cause you sound like Ben Stein. Or someone on quaaludes.
A:  Look, I haven’t been on quaaludes since 1974 when Tipper and I–
W:  OH! It’s you Al. Hey, I thought I told you not to call me any more, you freak.
A:  As I was saying, I’m very disappoint–
W:  Look, I told you I don’t want anything to do with you.
A:  Well, that’s unfortunate. You should know I’m a very powerful man –
W:  Phhhttt … You have man breasts.
A:  — and I could — seriously? That’s not very nice. You should show some respect, I’m old enough to be your father, young lady and–
W:  Ewwww!
A:  Now, there you go again, that’s not very polite.
M:  What’s not polite is you groping my ass with those praying mantis pinchers you call hands. Did you know you left a bruise, you pointy-fingered troll?
A:  I was just trying to– really? A bruise? [chuckles]. I AM pretty powerful aren’t I …
W:  No, you’re a flippin’ lunatic! I always thought you were ASEXUAL! But my friends said you’d eventually get around to making a move on me, and I thought “no way, that dude?” I thought they were full of it.
A:  Which friends? Do I know them? What else did they say about me?
W:  Ha! As if I’m tellin you.
A:  Well, I think if you had just given me a chance, you’d find that I’m quite the sexy gentleman–
W:  Really? REALLY?? C’mon, Al. Everyone saw you kiss that bloated wife of yours at the convention! It was horrifying! It looked like her face was being eaten by a giant number two pencil. Disgusting.
A:  What! That was a passionate embrace! Didn’t you see how I swept her up in my arms? Ya know, I could sweep you up in my arms the same way–
W:  Ugh! Quit it! Do you honestly think I would let you within two feet of me now, you, you–
A:  Now, let’s calm down here –
W:  — you freakin’ TIN MAN!!
A:  I was just — what? What did you call me? [louder] What did you just say?!?
W:  Tin man!
A:  Stop tha-
W:  TIN MAN!
A:  I said–
W:  TIN MAN! TIN MAN! TIN MAN!
A:  All right you little middle-class tart! That’s ENOUGH!
W:  [singing] If I only had a heaaaaaart…
A:  You’ve left me no choice! I told you I’ve got connections, you’re gonna pay for this! Nobody talks to me like this! I’ll have you taken care of, that’s right, put you in a … a … uhhh … a LOCKBOX! Yeah, a LOCKBOX! You see, right now you’re not in a lockbox, because the lockbox doesn’t exist, but there should be one, and there will be one, and you’ll be in that lockbox when I’m through with–
W:  Are you threatening me, you old geezer?
A:  Oh, it’s no threat! I’ll do it! And you know what? I’ll fill that lockbox with all kinds of nasty things, hydrofluorocarbons … and, and styrofoam cups … and, uh, incadescent lightbulbs! You’ll get WARMED to death! Slowly! And over time! But oh, yes! It WILL happen, and then you’ll say to yourself “gosh, he was right! I didn’t believe him, but it happened just like he said–”
W:  [laughing]
A:  What? You think that’s funny? You think I’m just making this stuff up? [shouting] I AM THE ALPHA MALE, BABY!!!
W:  [uncontrollable laughing]
A:  Stop laughing at me! Stop–
[sound of receiver being hung up followed by dial tone]
– hello? hello?

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Gore "persuading" an audience of global warming skeptics earlier this year

One of the woman’s friends is evidently the source of the recording. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she stated that more recordings are in her possession. “That was just the first one. He called several more times and was as clueless in all of them. It was weird, like he just couldn’t get over being rejected. It was as if he thought that the NEXT time he called her would be different, no matter how many times he was swatted down. Creepy, really, the way he denied reality.”

Police are still investigating the allegations. However, recently the alleged victim failed a lie detector test.

“Well, I’m not sure what to make of that,” said Pearson. “During the session, every time we asked her to describe the sexual advances he perpetrated on her, she just broke down. Not crying, mind you, but in hysterical fits of laughter. We think that may have skewed the results.”