CUPERTINO, Calif – Apple didn’t invent the portable music player (PMP), but with the introduction of the iPod in 2001, it proudly pioneered the role of the devices as uber-hip status symbols projecting urban youth gestalt, hip-hop elitism, and a strident allegiance to a crippling dependency on one proprietary piece of software for the transfer of music files.

Ever since Apple began selling the units, whenever iPod users needed a reminder of their superiority to those around them, they needed only glance down at the iconic, bone-white cords that connect the ear pods to the devices.

But competing brands quickly caught on, introducing knock-off units that boasted the same, all-white ear buds and cords.

The talking i-Pod - when white cords, hip gyrations, bouncy breasts and flying hair just aren't enough to properly center attention.

The company’s answer? A model that can tell its owner – literally – how superior they are.

“First, we tried to patent the color white,” recalled Parking Carrot, vice president of marketing, upwardly mobile urban youth division, for Apple’s iPod unit. “We were turned down.”

“Mistaking an off-brand PMP for an iPod just because it’s white is as absurd as thinking Tylenol and acetaminophen are the same just because they both make your headache go away,” he continued. “The problem is, our customers know that, but if the people who are looking at them don’t, the whole elitism thing is defeated.”

Initially, the company tried to bolster the consumer cachet of the iPod by shrinking the device to absurd dimensions. Although the company says the approach has worked – and indeed continues to pursue it – it is not without its challenges, even though Apple has garnered widespread praise for cutting the iPod’s size even as it increases song capacity.

“If you reduce something to the point that it’s literally no longer visible to the naked eye, you run the risk of it disappearing as a status symbol as well,” noted Carrot. “Our customers have compensated by engaging in spastic, overstated dance routines and air-guitar sessions on packed busses and subways, and they are always careful to wear our ear buds and cords on the outside of sweaters and jackets as recommended, but sometimes, that’s just not enough. It might still not be 100% clear that they are iPod owners.”

Hence, the latest incarnation of the iPod shuffle. Not only does it talk, it’s only half the size of its predecessor, yet boasts twice the capacity (4GB).

“This continues our less-is-more approach to consumer elitism,” said Carrot. “At the same time, it ensures that our customers remain the center of attention even as the iPod Shuffle  rapidly approaches microscopic dimensions.”

That’s because the device speaks – a first even for iPod. The unit calls out song names, artists, and user-customized playlist names. Critically, when making callouts, the unit switches to tiny yet powerful exterior speakers, which incorporate Bose’s patented Acoustic Wave® system.

“No matter how much ambient noise there may be, we guarantee you will be noticed when your iPod Shuffle tells you – and everyone around you – what song you’re listening to,” said Carrot.

Carrot added that the new Shuffle will also randomly shout words of encouragement to its user, including “You’re awesome,” “You’re hot,” You’re the best,” and more than a dozen additional phrases. By default, this too will be projected on the unit’s external speakers, although the function is customizable, affording customers the option of receiving private accolades.

“As consumers are confronted with an increasingly crowded product landscape, we think it’s important that he or she receive positive reinforcement and well-targeted ego strokes that correlate with brand engagement,” said Shuffle.

The new Shuffles ship today and should be generating long lines of obnoxious consumers outside of storefronts by tomorrow.

Originally posted 2009-03-11 19:38:32. Republished by Blog Post Promoter