CUPERTINO, Calif. – In response to a chorus of complaints from users of its iPhone 4, Apple announced today that it had determined the cause of the problem and was prepared to offer a solution to all affected customers.

Although Steve Jobs, Apple’s beleaguered CEO, had earlier complained bitterly that reported problems with the iPhone 4’s antenna have been “blown so out of proportion,” at a news conference today he acknowledged that enough users had been impacted to warrant company action.

"Almost anyone" can perform the surgery, Apple says.

“Look, we now know this is affecting people’s lives here,” he told reporters gathered at Apple’s headquarters. “We know a dropped signal might force someone to momentarily seek stimulation elsewhere – perhaps on a clunky desktop computer, a television, or – even worse – in a book or by face-to-face interaction with another human being. We’re not about to stand still and let a tragedy like that happen – not after we’ve come so far in improving our world.”

Because the problem has been traced to some users holding the phone in a manner that hinders the transfer of signals to its integrated metal antenna, Jobs said, the company was prepared to offer “outpatient implants of powerful conductive alloys and composites to users’ heads that will massively boost the amount of radiation – and, therefore – information – that flows into the device.”

To receive maximum benefit from the fix, Jobs said users should clasp the iPhone 4 tightly to their heads when using it. “This will minimize the resistance of the organic facial material between our antenna and the implant material and allow a more complete circuit for conducting the radiation field generated between the user’s head and the device,” he said.

Users might notice a “warming sensation,” Jobs acknowledged, but stressed that they will also experience “bandwidths that were heretofore unimaginable.”

Jobs stressed that Apple will cover all medical costs related to the procedure, adding that the company had made arrangements at “clinics, drug stores, pharmacies, electronics retailers and video game stores throughout the country.”

“With the mod kit we’re rolling out, there’s no need for a surgeon or even a doctor to perform this – in fact, any health care professional or concerned citizen with a rudimentary understanding of how to slow or stop heavy bleeding can do this with the tools and checklist we’re providing.”

Users have until Sept. 30 to receive the implants at no charge.

Originally posted 2010-07-18 18:54:23. Republished by Blog Post Promoter