SAN FRANCISCO – Just days away from the official launch date of its iPad tablet computer, Apple has announced a major new option for the wildly popular device: The iPad line will offer a version in which it can be configured as a sanitary napkin for menstruating women.

Apple, which will launch retail sales of the feverishly awaited product on April 3, has been struggling to meet preorder demands and today officially postponed the shipment date for such orders until April 12.

However, it now insists the delay is not due to logistical blunders, as many experts had suspected, but rather the complexity of the technological innovations required to upgrade the iPad to a fully functional feminine napkin.

Steve Jobs, the mock-turtleneck-clad CEO of the company, said during a press conference that most customers would understand and even welcome the delay as a satisfactory tradeoff allowing the debut of the E-Sanitary Napkin.

“We thought we had a great grasp on making the iPad waterproof – or I should say liquid proof,” said Jobs. “But this is a complex task. There are many other considerations as well, including extreme temperature variations and considerations for odor and bacteria resistance.”

During the press conference, Jobs announced that he was himself currently wearing a prototype iPad feminine napkin, which, he added, could also be used as a “generalized adult diaper” that would also be “perfectly capable of tackling poopy pants.”

“Ever been on a 10-hour flight in coach? I haven’t, but my handlers tell me it can be a real pain to fight your way to the bathroom. Why bother?

“These would also be real lifesavers the next time you’re camped out with a bunch of other losers to wait in line to pay a 500% markup on an Apple product just so you can say you were first,” he added before a scantily clad, 20-something Mass Communications major bounced on stage and whispered something in his ear.

“But, just as with our other lifestyle devices, switching applications is as simple as one, two three,” continued Jobs after a brief pause, slipping something that looked like a padded table mat from beneath his britches. He then revealed that the device was actually a flexible, absorbent version of the iPad.

A model demonstrates side-saddle usage of the iPad with optional iColostomy upgrade package.

“Look – complete electronic functionality in addition to being 343% more absorbent than cotton,” he said, punching on an interactive screen that lit up upon activation.

“Ladies, you can do this on the subway in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” he said. “Just wring it out first so the screen is more legible – that way, it’s also ready to absorb more discharge when you dock it again. And if we’re dealing with more substantial, solid waste, we just have to wipe it down a bit more vigorously – the device is also stain resistant, of course.”

Although iPads capable of serving double duty as sanitary napkins will cost $800 on top of the already ridiculously priced units, they will come with a special microfiber screen wipe that utilizes “seventh-generation” nanotechnology, which, Jobs noted, “would cost about $200 on their own. At least, that’s what we charge for them in our Apple stores.”

Originally posted 2010-03-29 13:46:44. Republished by Blog Post Promoter