WAZIRISTAN – In yet another troubling sign that no sector of the economy is safe in the deepening recession, terrorism bellwether Al Qaeda has announced a massive round of layoffs. The Waziristan-based terror conglomerate, which had already imposed a wage freeze and a new-hire moratorium on all management positions, says it will lay off 5,000 by the end of the first quarter.

“We take this action with great regret and only after prayerful consideration of Allah’s will,” said imported Qaeda spokesman Adam Gadahn.

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Gadahn said the company was offering a number of options aimed at mitigating the effects of the job cuts on affected workers. “We are offering a transfer of any affected worker to our suicide squad division, which remains exempt from not only our layoffs but also from wage freezes.”

Because of the inherent attrition rate attached to Al Qaeda’s suicide personnel, the organization not only has exempted the division from layoffs, it continues to actively recruit there.

“It’s a unique resource for us,” said Gadahn. “Obviously, no health or pension benefits are needed, and we can turn those savings into a modest pay premium for our jihadists while insulating them from the threat of layoffs.”

The news is grimmer, however, elsewhere in the organization. “This financial collapse is just another reason for the eternal jihad we have pledged against the white devils of the West,” he said.

According to Gadahn, Al Qaeda bought up large amounts of investment vehicles made up largely of repackaged subprime mortgages from former U.S. real estate hotspots like Phoenix, Las Vegas and Orlando.

“We were tempted by the high usury levels these imposed on the infidels, and were eager to profit by them. But now, these investments are worthless,” Gadahn said, “and are directly responsible for the layoffs.

Further adding to Qaeda’s gloomy outlook, say many analysts, is the newly enshrined U.S. presidential administration. “In terms of aggressive foreign policy, we just went from sabre rattle to baby rattle,” said Mars Thor, senior apprentice of unprovoked warfare for the Crookings Institute, a Washington D.C. military and foreign policy think tank.

“Al Qaeda is a hammer, and it needs something to nail. If Obama takes their nails away, that will only deepen their crisis.”