Airline Type: Charity Cost Carrier (CCC)

GDS code: HA

Tag line: We’ll say “Buh Bye” now, just in case we don’t have time to later.

Equipment: new Airbus A666 (code named the “Fallen Angel”)

Classes of service: 3 total - Wing and a Prayer (economy pews), Kneeler (business), and Papal (like 1st but with big robes and ornate wooden chairs)

Fares: Regular fares will be $5 each way w/a $2000 pp fuel surcharge subject to change depending on how long it takes to find the WMD in Iraq. Pre-printed envelopes will be left in the seats for the surcharges. Cash only. Discounts fares available for members of the faith who are referred by their pastor and wish to pray onboard for on time departures, good weather, profitable operations, positive union interactions, safe planes, and smooth landings. Non-believers will be free if they can be converted. Unaccompanied minors fly free if they’re willing to sit unsupervised with a priest but we wouldn’t recommend this. If the FAA ever fines us, we reserve the right to levy additional donation requests. We could use all the charity and prayer we can get, especially to stay out of bankruptcy.

Service Differentiation: Pilots will be both packing heat and Bibles. Flight attendants can be identified by their heavily starched black and white uniforms and will join in silent prayer just before takeoff. We will have no pearly gate-staff or seat assignments (unless you are an altar boy), so you will be expected to seat yourself in a quiet, reverent, orderly manner much the way you do EVERY Sunday (right?). Anyone caught saving seats may be ex-communicated. Bottled holy water will be provided to all passengers upon embarkation, but in a unique service twist it will only be splashed into your mouth, not actually served in individual bottles. The only food served on board will be tasteless wafer crackers maybe a little red wine to sooth frayed nerves. The following services will be unbundled: on board marriages, annulments, confessions, and exorcisms. It is highly recommended that all luggage be fully blessed before being checked as we are not sure it will ever make it to your final destination. You might only see it again in the after-life at your true final destination. All seats will be equipped with Internet, movies/TV and phones but all content will be filtered by conservatives for family-suitability. Anyone caught sinning or coveting in their seats or in lavatories will be served severe penance. Opposite the flight safety instruction cards will be the ten commandments. Although we certainly comply with all FAA directives and control tower instructions, you will never hear the aviation term “abort” over the comm. Just not in good taste in our opinion, if ya’ know what we mean. In case of severe tarmac stranding, clergy will be available to take confession and even provide last rites, if necessary. Even though we are tolerant of all flying religions, may the lord help you if you ever utter the name Mohammed on board…we just cannot be responsible for what the air marshals may do to you to your body or face.

Reservations: 800-PRAY-2-FLY

Customer service: Absolutely none. See the big man above if you have any real beefs. Pray the Rosary, if necessary. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Stock Ticker (in case you want to invest): GOD

May the aircraft be on time to meet you.

May good weather always be at your back.

May the pilot’s loaded Glock shine warm upon your face,

and lost luggage and confiscated shampoo fall soft upon your fields.

And until you are rudely bumped or stranded again,

May the FAA hold you in the palm of their hand.

Actually, the original name I picked for the Coalition was Coalition for Reforms for Airline Passengers.

But my “team” in DC said an organization called CRAP wouldn’t Fly in Congress!

You guys left out the real financial benefit to forced poopage. Airlines will increase their margins significantly.

Keep having fun.

Kate Hanni
Executive Director
FlyersRights.org