WASHINGTON – The Air Transport Association (ATA), which represents leading U.S. airlines, announced today that its membership had reached a binding consensus on a controversial new way to combat C02 emissions – a forced reduction in passenger weight through mandatory pre-flight bowel movements.
ATA member airlines carry 90 percent of U.S. airline passengers, giving most passengers little choice in the matter.
Under the program, which begins next month, passengers will need to check in a minimum of three hours prior to departure, regardless of flight time and destination. The extra time will be used to administer a potent, quick-acting laxative that the ATA says will “guarantee a powerful bowel movement prior to boarding.”
The program has been dubbed “Clear Rectums for Airline Productivity,” or CRAP.
“Our member airlines carry more than 600 million passengers per year,” said Debit Memo, managing director of non-imaginary numbers for the ATA. “If you assume just eight ounces of latent pre-flight fecal matter per passenger, the CRAP program will lighten our load annually by 300 million pounds. That would save us 3 million gallons of jet fuel per year, which translates into at least 70 million fewer pounds of carbon each year in the atmosphere.”
Despite more than doubling energy efficiency between 1978 and 2007 – a far cry from the auto industry’s dismal performance during the same period – the airline industry has come under increasing pressure from environmentalist harpies to crack down on carbon emissions. “Because of their successful governmental lobbying efforts and our own desire to spend less on fuel, we have been moved to ‘take a CRAP,’” said Memo.
But CRAP is already creating a foul odor for passenger rights groups. Kate Hanni, the self-created micro-celebrity who hurled herself into the media spotlight after being stuck for hours on a plane grounded by a once-in-a-century thunderstorm system that affected half a continent, said, “This is an outrage. Passengers should have the right to poo wherever and whenever they want, including right in their over-priced airplane seats. I do, and will even more often now as a show of support to my fellow passengers.”
Hanni said she will raise the topic on her next trip to Capitol Hill – her 57th since founding the Coalition for an Airline Passengers’ Bill of Rights.
Airport officials, who initially expressed concern, now support the idea as a potential revenue-enhancing opportunity. Many major airports plan to dramatically increase the number of airport restrooms to make it easier for passengers to respond to nature’s urgent call, but will make them pay toilets, according to Airports Council International – North America (ACI-NA), a trade group for U.S. airports.
“By doing this, we can both ensure passenger convenience while offsetting the loss in segment fees that have resulted from the dramatic cuts in airline schedules during the recession,” said Vlad Tailstrike, a spokesperson with ACI-NA.
Troubled by the fact that many of the virulent bowel movements that are known to result from the airline laxative are bound to occur during the long, snaking lines that are a TSA legacy, the agency nonetheless supports the initiative, but only after making some changes of their own to accommodate it, said Pat Ironbra, a spokeswoman.
“We will add plastic containers, similar to hospital bed pans, that passengers can pick up, like the bins they place their laptops in. They will simply be able to relieve themselves right in line, without noticeably slowing the process”
Ironbra said that although the bins will be dumped when full, they will be immediately reused. “We have to be green as well, you know. Washing them would waste time and energy.”
Going green ... the brown way.
Memo, of the ATA, said the laxatives will be dispensed at ticket counters, automated kiosks and TSA checkpoint entries. Airline officials will be posted at each location to verify ingestion of the laxatives and validate boarding passes with a stamp, much like some bag-inspection and other airport clearance procedures are currently managed.
He would not offer details on what the laxative is made of, nor how it acts, saying only, “This not your typical, off-the-shelf laxative. When you take this, you will feel the effects usually within 30 minutes, no more than an hour, and they will be remarkable.”
“It’s very important that they be quick acting, as having the passengers moving their mail inflight would be a pointless waste of time,” he said, adding that the industry was considering a fee passengers could pay for the privilege of eschewing the laxative.
“Think of it as an excess baggage fee,” he said. “If you don’t want to leave your solid waste at the airport, you’re going to have to pay us to transport it, just like tourists hauling all those silly outfits they’ll never wear do now.”
Although the policy will not be enforced until next month, the airlines plan to start educating passengers about the new program beginning next week, when an informational campaign centered around the slogan, “Be Kind, Leave it Behind,” kicks off at the nation’s 15 busiest airports. In addition to signs, posters and LED messages, hired actors dressed as friendly, smiling-turd mascots will be on hand to distribute Q&A brochures.
Originally posted 2009-04-27 20:53:36. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen someone CRAP in their seat.
Actually, the original name I picked for the Coalition was Coalition for Reforms for Airline Passengers.
But my “team” in DC said an organization called CRAP wouldn’t Fly in Congress!
You guys left out the real financial benefit to forced poopage. Airlines will increase their margins significantly.
Keep having fun.
Kate Hanni
Executive Director
FlyersRights.org
An Old Travel Blessing
May the aircraft be on time to meet you.
May good weather always be at your back.
May the pilot’s loaded Glock shine warm upon your face,
and lost luggage and confiscated shampoo fall soft upon your fields.
And until you are rudely bumped or stranded again,
May the FAA hold you in the palm of their hand.
A new type of airline launched today between JFK and Rome, JFK and Rio, and JFK and Santiago de Compostela – Hallelujah Airlines
Airline Type: Charity Cost Carrier (CCC)
GDS code: HA
Tag line: We’ll say “Buh Bye” now, just in case we don’t have time to later.
Equipment: new Airbus A666 (code named the “Fallen Angel”)
Classes of service: 3 total – Wing and a Prayer (economy pews), Kneeler (business), and Papal (like 1st but with big robes and ornate wooden chairs)
Fares: Regular fares will be $5 each way w/a $2000 pp fuel surcharge subject to change depending on how long it takes to find the WMD in Iraq. Pre-printed envelopes will be left in the seats for the surcharges. Cash only. Discounts fares available for members of the faith who are referred by their pastor and wish to pray onboard for on time departures, good weather, profitable operations, positive union interactions, safe planes, and smooth landings. Non-believers will be free if they can be converted. Unaccompanied minors fly free if they’re willing to sit unsupervised with a priest but we wouldn’t recommend this. If the FAA ever fines us, we reserve the right to levy additional donation requests. We could use all the charity and prayer we can get, especially to stay out of bankruptcy.
Service Differentiation: Pilots will be both packing heat and Bibles. Flight attendants can be identified by their heavily starched black and white uniforms and will join in silent prayer just before takeoff. We will have no pearly gate-staff or seat assignments (unless you are an altar boy), so you will be expected to seat yourself in a quiet, reverent, orderly manner much the way you do EVERY Sunday (right?). Anyone caught saving seats may be ex-communicated. Bottled holy water will be provided to all passengers upon embarkation, but in a unique service twist it will only be splashed into your mouth, not actually served in individual bottles. The only food served on board will be tasteless wafer crackers maybe a little red wine to sooth frayed nerves. The following services will be unbundled: on board marriages, annulments, confessions, and exorcisms. It is highly recommended that all luggage be fully blessed before being checked as we are not sure it will ever make it to your final destination. You might only see it again in the after-life at your true final destination. All seats will be equipped with Internet, movies/TV and phones but all content will be filtered by conservatives for family-suitability. Anyone caught sinning or coveting in their seats or in lavatories will be served severe penance. Opposite the flight safety instruction cards will be the ten commandments. Although we certainly comply with all FAA directives and control tower instructions, you will never hear the aviation term “abort” over the comm. Just not in good taste in our opinion, if ya’ know what we mean. In case of severe tarmac stranding, clergy will be available to take confession and even provide last rites, if necessary. Even though we are tolerant of all flying religions, may the lord help you if you ever utter the name Mohammed on board…we just cannot be responsible for what the air marshals may do to you to your body or face.
Reservations: 800-PRAY-2-FLY
Customer service: Absolutely none. See the big man above if you have any real beefs. Pray the Rosary, if necessary. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Stock Ticker (in case you want to invest): GOD
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Apple now has Rhapsody as an app, which is a great start, but it is currently hampered by the inability to store locally on your iPod, and has a dismal 64kbps bit rate. If this changes, then it will somewhat negate this advantage for the Zune, but the 10 songs per month will still be a big plus in Zune Pass’ favor.
To be genuine I full hold with Your judgement.
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