In the wake of Arizona’s tough but controversial new immigration law, Canadian nationals in the United States are steeling themselves for equal treatment as the northern border states consider similar measures.

“I’m a little bit nervous, eh,” said Gordon Tremblay, an unemployed actor from Edmonton currently living illegally in St. Paul. “I’m not a drug dealer or anything. I just want to be the next William Shatner.”

But Tremblay may find his path to stardom will be more difficult if some members of Minnesota’s legislature have their way. Currently under committee review is a measure similar to Arizona’s that would require police to investigate those suspected of being undocumented Canadians. “Now I have to worry aboot a constable pulling me to the side every 10 kilometers, or being accosted at a gasbar,” said Tremblay. “And with just a few loonies in my pocket, I’ll never afford a solicitor if I get caught.”

But Minnesota’s politicians say they are simply responding to a crisis. “Right now, we have a serious problem in Minnesota,” said Minnesota State Representative, Clifford Stuartson. “There are already too many homegrown wanna-be standup comics and actors, and not enough comedy joints or dinner theaters. Throw on top of that the massive influx of Canadians and it is unsupportable.”

Stuartson says that while the problem can likely be traced back to the early days of John Candy and Dan Ackroyd, when Canadian entertainment was cheap and plentiful compared to the domestic variety, it has become an economic nightmare after the success of famous Canadians, Jim Carrey and Michael Myers. “Suddenly, all these Canucks started sneaking in and stealing gigs from American actors and comics. Now every Canadian from Halifax to Victoria thinks he has a shot at stardom. It’s chaos.”

Under the new law, police must ask for documentation if they encounter individuals acting suspiciously Canadian.

“Well, there’s that stupid ‘eh’ that they add to the end of every sentence,” said International Falls police chief, Ray McElroy, describing traits his force will be trained to spot. “And they’re all too nice … real syrupy polite, know what I mean? Gives me the chills, if I’m being honest about it. Makes me think they’re hiding something. Or worse, that they’re not, and that they are really just that naive.”

When pressed about how police will be trained to enforce the pending bill should it become law, McElroy provided a proposed insert to the state police training manual, which includes a list of unique Canadian characteristics (there aren’t many, McElroy says) and how to spot or expose undocumented Canadians clandestinely operating in the country. Excerpts include:

• “Ask them to apologize to you. If the suspect claims he is ‘so-ree’ he is likely Canadian (though possibly just lobotomized), and you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect has a mullet but no Kentucky accent, you may require documentation.”
• “The preferred Canadian ensemble includes plaid flannel, tight-fitting knit caps, pegged stonewashed jeans, and LA Gear high tops. Same with the men . . .”
• “See if the suspect agrees with you that Alex Trebek is a brilliant and talented Canadian. First, no one but a Canadian cares or knows that Trebek is Canadian; and second, no one but a Canadian would find Trebek anything but insufferable . . .”
• “Ask the suspect to repeat the famous Gary Coleman line from the 80s TV show, ‘Different Strokes.’ If the suspect says ‘Whatchoo talkin’ ‘BOOT, Willis,” you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect is carrying an open container of maple syrup in his vehicle, you may require documentation.”
• “If you are at a grocery store and witness someone buy more Kraft Mac and Cheese then any single family could possibly consume, especially if in tandem with an equally untenable amount of ketchup, you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect is Asian, he is most certainly from Toronto and you may require documentation.”
• “Ask the suspect which is better, SCTV or Saturday Night Live. If the suspect does not respond that ‘it depends on which era of SNL you’re talking about,’ you may require documentation.”
• “If the suspect can name any NHL player besides Wayne Gretzky, or cares in the least about any hockey game except for the Miracle on Ice, you may require documentation.”
• “If, after you have proceeded through each step in this section of the manual, the suspect has not revealed himself to be Canadian but nonetheless answers your questions politely, without agitation or annoyance, and with effusive deference to your authority, or if he apologizes to YOU at the end (even without pronouncing his apology “so-ree”), then he is most assuredly Canadian and you may require documentation.”

Tremblay says he doesn’t see what the fuss is about. “I’m just here to pursue the authentic Canadian Dream, which is the dream to be a famous American.” When asked whether he believed the law would pass, Tremblay said, “I dunno, eh? They elected Al Franken so anything’s possible. He’s great, by the way. Really funny in a Eugene Levy kind of way, and a colourful personality [ed. Tremblay insisted we include the “u”].”

But McElroy isn’t convinced. “That’s what they say, sure. But what really happens is they walk around here like actual Americans – maybe a bit more milquetoast – and then they get all famous, and the next thing you know you’re watching Leno and they’re out of the closet, talking about their childhoods up in the Great White North. That’s right about the time everyone starts flicking off their TVs. I mean, nobody gives a sh** what it’s like in Canada, except for maybe a handful of American sportsmen. I think the rest of us are wondering why they don’t just apply for statehood and be done with it.”